AN: For the record, I have absolutely no idea where this story came from, but when I thought about it it struck me as being really funny and I decided to write it instead of revising my class work like I was supposed to. So, basically, I hope you guys find this funny instead of just really, really, stupid. Enjoy!
P.S. Obviously I don't own SP or its characters, otherwise I wouldn't be doing this.
Gerald Broflovski and Stuart McCormick watched both of their sons as they grew and came closer and closer to adulthood. Both fathers watched as their sons became young men, graduated from each grade, hung out with their friends, and most importantly, the way their sons interacted with one another, the light-hearted masculine playfulness between them. It was this that prompted a brief reconciliation between Gerald Broflovski and Stuart McCormick.
"Broflovski residence, hello?"
"Gerald, it's Stuart. We need to talk to our boys."
Both phones were hung up without another word and Gerald sighed as he waited for his son to return from his latest outing with his three closest friends. He had waited for this day for a long time, since the day his son had become friends with the McCormick boy. He had hoped it wouldn't come to this, but he knew very well how inevitable this all was.
The day after Gerald Broflovski had his brief conversation with his once friend he made his way up the stairs to his son's room, taking a deep breath before he stepped through the open doorway.
"Kyle, we need to have a talk."
Kyle looked up from his computer and asked his dad a little pleadingly, "Dad I know Mom wanted me to study for the SATs until three today, but can't I just go now? It's Saturday and I already went through half of the book she gave me and I promised the guys I'd meet them at Stark's Pond at one. I have all my chores and everything else done already too."
"Kyle, it's not about that," Gerald said as he closed the door behind him and sat down on the edge of his son's bed, next to the desk Kyle was sitting at, "we need to have a serious conversation about something. Man to man, while you're mother isn't home."
Kyle groaned in response. "Dad I'm not drinking, doing drugs, skipping school, tagging buildings, beating up Ike, or having sex," the teenager listed off the frequent, and irrational, worries that his parents had tried to talk to him about, blushing in discomfort at the end.
"Now Kyle, I know you say that now, but you're a growing young man and you're going to have certain…urges that I think we need to talk about now before you get yourself into any kind of trouble." Gerald reasoned as he watched his son with stern and serious eyes.
"Oh god Dad, please don't talk to me about STDs and protection. Not again." Kyle shuddered at the memory of last year, when the force of nature that was Sheila Broflovski had marched into his room unannounced and proceeded to, without hesitation or preamble, go over every detail of sexually transmitted diseases, contraception, and the need for intimacy, either unaware or ignoring the obvious and extreme discomfort her sixteen year old son was vocalizing through gagging protests.
Gerald looked at his son sympathetically, but resolutely. "Now Kyle, we need to have this talk. I'm concerned for you and I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did. Now, you and Kenny McCormick have been friends for quite some time."
At first Kyle rolled his eyes. Of course, that's why his dad wanted to have this talk with him, so that Kyle wouldn't repeat the mistakes of his father. His dad apparently had little faith that Kyle wouldn't act as stupidly as his he had, just like it had been with the cat pee addiction, that thing about not driving over three times the speed limit with your eyes closed on a dare, and a million other stupid little tid-bits of advice Kyle had never really felt the need to know. When Kyle heard his friend's name, however, his ears perked up in interest and confusion. This was certainly not what he had expected to hear.
"Uh, yeah," Kyle said bemusedly, "Look Dad, if this is about those rumors about Kenny I think a lot of them are false. Actually I think Kenny probably makes up some of them himself. I mean I don't think a number that high is actually possible."
"No, Kyle this isn't about that," Gerald said after a shocked pause, "This is about the curse of the McCormick charm."
"The what?" Kyle asked incredulously, eyebrow raised in disbelief.
"The McCormick charm. It's a curse that's haunted our family as long as I can remember. From your great-grandparents to your grandparents to me and now to you."
Oh god, Kyle thought, was this how Stan's dad sounded before he went off on some dumb-ass tear about something?
"Okay. The curse of the McCormick charm…So, what the hell are you talking about Dad?"
"Look Kyle, this is something that has plagued every Broflovski by birth since the first time a Broflovski met a McCormick. Ike is safe, but you're not, especially since you're such close friends with a McCormick already. McCormicks know how to charm, it's something they inherit just like hair color, they instinctively know just how to get you. You're a young man now and it's only a matter of time before you're charmed into, well…bed…with a McCormick, such is the curse."
Kyle stared at his father, his jaw opening and closing like a fish as he tried to find something, anything, to say. He tried to think through what his father had just told him; actually he tried to reason out what his father just told him without thinking about the horrible details implied in his explanation. Okay, he reasoned, this had to be wrong. After all, he barely knew Karen McCormick and she was way too young, so this had to be wrong. The only other option, Kyle wanted to avoid thinking about completely.
"Kyle," Gerald said with a sigh as he stared hard into his son's eyes, "what I'm trying to say is this. Always make sure he uses a condom."
If Kyle's fish face had looked shocked and horrified before he now looked like he was about to stroke out from his shock and horror; he tried to regain some normalcy as he tried to block out the disgusting idea of his and Kenny's dads having sex, apparently sans condom, and avoid the notion of he and Kenny having sex, which was apparently his fate. He took a second to try to calmly and rationally respond to the ludicrous idea his father had spouted, but he was his mother's son and he failed…completely.
"What!" Kyle shouted, his voice as loud and piercing as his scarlet face was red.
Having said his piece, Gerald Broflovski stood up, clasped a fatherly hand on his son's shoulder and said one last time, "It happens to all of us son. Just remember, always use a condom."
And without further ado Kyle's dad exited the room, the door left open behind him with a gaping Kyle in its wake. Shocked and feeling more than a little queasy Kyle stood up shakily from his computer desk and slowly made his way over to doorway. Passing his father in the living room and trying to fight off any combination of his father, Stuart McCormick, and sex he now hastily made his way out the front door and into the street.
The crisp mountain air hit his face and Kyle nodded to himself. Yes, yes, this was just what he needed, fresh air. A lot of fresh air. Possibly for weeks.
Drawing in deep breaths of mountain air he began to calm himself down as he wandered the sidewalks of South Park. After a few minutes he began to feel more like himself and he shook his head, smirking a little smugly.
Okay, so his dad was kind of a weirdo. He had known this already, since the whole "cheesing" incident when he was ten anyway. Just because his father had done those things didn't mean he would, he had never had any inclination to do anything like his father in the past, why would it start now? Smiling in triumph at his bulletproof logic Kyle held his head high as he walked on. At least he did until he saw a familiar person in a familiar parka standing in front of him.
"Hey Kyle," Kenny said as he approached his friend, one hand in his pocket and the other clutched around something small.
Kyle suddenly felt very, very uncomfortable again and Kenny's tone wasn't helping. He could swear he heard that confident slyness in the blond boy's voice, the kind of tone Kenny used when he knew something that gave the upper hand.
"H-hey Kenny," Kyle tried to reply as evenly as he could manage.
"Dude, are we still meeting Stan and Cartman at Stark's?"
Right, right, of course, Kyle felt relief course throughout his body. They were going to all meet up, no need to freak out. This was a Saturday like any other, everything was normal; his dad was just being a freak, nothing new there. Kyle smiled and was about to reply when he caught side of the edges poking through Kenny's closed fist.
He felt all the blood completely drain out of his face.
Without a word Kyle spun around on his heel and started off in the direction of the pond, suddenly very eager to be around someone whose father had not had sex with his own. Despite this, however, he heard Kenny's footsteps jog up behind him and felt the collision of a limb with his neck, Kenny's previously pocketed hand now hanging over his left shoulder as Kenny's arm draped across his neck. Kyle tried to fight off the flush creeping into his cheeks when Kenny pulled him in a little closer than usual as they marched down the street together, but he felt like he had just experienced the first symptom of a contagious and contracted disease. His mortified flush only deepened as fluttering sensation began in his gut when Kenny, with his face pressed cheek-to-cheek against Kyle's conspiratorially, opened his mouth and spoke slyly and huskily.
AN: Hope you enjoyed and please review either way! All comments are appreciated because I can learn what I'm doing both right and wrong. Oh and if you guys liked it/wanna read more maybe I'll do a Kenny and Stuart convo chapter.