Act 3, Scene 1

Enter Kenny McCormick, Butters Stotch, and various others.

Butters: Please, Kenny, can we go inside somewhere? It's way too hot outside to do anything, and the Broflovskis are out. If we meet with them, there's no way we're avoiding a fight.

Kenny: Pfft. You sound like one of those guys who goes to a bar after fighting with his wife, cursing and swearing never to go back to her, only to end up crying like a little shit hours later, begging her to take him back.

Butters: Am I?

Kenny: Oh come on Butters, you have to admit. You're as easily provoked to anger and as easily made angry at having been provoked. Of course, you're all talk. You're just a sweet little Buttercup, aren't you~?

Butters: I-I can be scary if I want to! Really!

Kenny: (rolls his eyes) Yeah, you would argue with a guy for eating blueberries, for no other reason but because you have blue eyes. What person but you would look for such a fight? You've argued with a guy for coughing in the street because he woke up your dog sleeping in the sun. And yet you scold me for my arguing!

Butters: I'm really not so quick to get mad as you say…? (rubs his knuckles together) No, those are only things that annoyed me that I told you about. I never really…argue…

Enter Ike Broflovski, generic dude, and others.

Butters: Oh hamburgers, here come the Broflovskis.

Kenny: Who gives a rat's ass?

Ike: Oh gentlemen, good afternoon. Can I talk to one of you for a sec?

Kenny: Just one word with one of us? Why don't you add something to it: a word and a blow.

Ike: I have no intention of getting on my knees for you, Kenny. If you meant a fight, sure. Just give me a reason.

Kenny: Couldn't you just do it without reason?

Ike: Kenny, you consort with Stan.

Kenny: Con…sort? Hey, just because I'm gay doesn't mean I'm fucking every guy I know! What the hell is your problem, Canadian midget? (reaches for his sword)

Butters: Kenny, where did you get a sword?

Kenny: Umm…plot device, Butters. Plot device.

Butters: We're out in public! Either go somewhere private or talk things over calmly, or leave. People are staring!

Kenny: Eyes were made to look, Butters. I'm not leaving.

Enter Stan Marsh.

Ike: Well, I have no reason to fight. Here comes my man.

Kenny: I'll happily be hanged if Stan was yours. I thought you said you weren't of my orientation, egghead?

Ike: (ignoring Kenny) Stan, the love I feel for you can be described no better than this: you are an asshole douche.

Stan: …wow, what an unexpected greeting. Ike, the reason I have to love you excuses the fact that I'm not angry at being called as such by you. I'm not an asshole douche. At that, goodbye. I see you don't know me.

Ike: I won't excuse the embarrassment and injuries you have caused me. Turn and draw!

Stan: I never did anything to you, but love you better than you can imagine until you know the reason of my love. And so, good Broflovski, which name I hold as dearly as my own, be satisfied.

Kenny: (to Butters) Uhhhhhhmmmm…is Stan trying to tell us something, you think? (to Ike) Oy! You think you can get away so easily?

Ike: What do you want from me?

Kenny: Nothing, nothing at all, King of Cats, but one of your nine lives. And, depending on how you behave afterwards, the rest of them! (draws his sword)

Ike: Alright then. (draws his sword) Gotta love that plot device, huh? A 16th century fight in modern times?

Kenny: I see nothing wrong with it.

(Kenny McCormick and Ike Broflovski fight.)

Stan: (draws his sword) Come on, Butters, draw! We have to beat down their weapons. I mean sure, none of us have used a sword a day in our lives and god knows we've never taken lessons, but we can fight as if we've had professional training since birth! It makes complete sense; don't doubt it!

Butters: Stan, when did you get a sword?

Stan: I'm pretty sure it was either the plot device or that guy who gave us those ninja weapons a long time ago.

- Dudes, stop! Seriously, Ike, Kenny! The Dark Prince forbade this fighting in South Park's streets. Guys!

(Stan Marsh tries to break up fight and Ike Broflovski stabs Kenny McCormick under Stan Marsh's arm.)

Ike and other Broflovskis exit.

Kenny: Aw shit. Shit, shit, shit. Seriously? Is he gone with fucking nothing and me this?

Butters: K-Kenny? Are you hurt?

Kenny: Uh, yeah. It's just a scratch, really. I'll be fine. –Go, somebody get a surgeon.

Stan: Man up, Kenny. You'll be fine.

Kenny: Oh yes, I'll be fine. It's not as deep as a well or wide as a fucking door, God no. I'll be just fine. Ask for me tomorrow and you'll be directed to a graveyard. I'm done with this world. Or at least, a normal person would be. Hell, I'll probably be back tomorrow. Fuck, I will be back tomorrow. You assholes won't even remember either, and that's the best part. You never remember. A plague on both your houses! Why the hell did you come between us; I was hurt under your arm!

Stan: I-I thought it was for the best…

Kenny: Help me into some house, Butters, or I'm going to faint. A plague on your houses! Ugh, you've killed me this time, you bastards!

Kenny McCormick and Butters Stotch exit.

Stan: My f-f-friend…is going to die because of me. Because of Ike- and he's only been my cousin for an hour! Oh Kyle, your beauty has made me weak.

Enter Butters Stotch.

Butters: Stan, Stan! K-Kenny is dead! He's dead! Oh my God…

Stan: Bastards!

Enter Ike Broflovski.

Butters: I-It's Ike again.

Stan: Him alive and Kenny dead? Ike! I'm not an asshole douche; take it back, for Kenny's soul is still just a little above our heads, waiting for you to keep him company. Either you or I, or both, will join him.

Ike: Asshole douche. I'm not taking it back; make me!

Stan: You're so damn childish, Ike!

They fight. Ike Broflovski falls.

Butters: Stan, get out of here! The townspeople are up in arms, and Ike is dead. Don't stand here! Damien will sentence you to death if you are caught! Get out of here!

Stan Marsh exits.

Enter Townspeople.

Townsperson: Where did the guy who killed Kenny go? That bastard, Ike, where is he?

Butters: Th-There's Ike.

Townsperson: (to Butters Stotch) Come with me. In the name of the Dark Prince, follow.

Enter Damien, Randy Marsh, Gerald Broflovski, their wives, and all.

Damien: Son of a-! Alright, who the hell started this? Where are they?

Butters: U-Um, I can tell you who they were that started this. That right there, th-that's Ike, killed by Stan, because Ike killed Kenny.

Mrs. Broflovski: Ike! Oh God, Ike! No, no, no, no, my bubbe…

Damien: You, you're Kenny's twink. What happened here?

Butters: W-Well, Ike and Kenny got in a fight and Stan tried to stop them, but ended up getting Kenny killed instead. Ike killed Kenny, and since he was Stan's friend he wanted to avenge him. So he killed Ike.

Damien: Well. Thank God; I was expecting a long, overly-explained, drawn-out, completely unnecessary speech.

Butters: It was cut. The editor figured that it was easier to explain in the most cut-dry way.

Damien: But of course.

Mrs. Broflovski: He is with Marsh; he must be lying! Please, Dark Prince, I beg for justice! Stan killed my little boy; he must not live.

Damien: Stan killed him. He killed Kenny. Who the hell is at fault here?

Randy Marsh: Not Stan, that's for damn sure. Listen to me, I'm a geologist. Stan was Kenny's friend; he only did what the law would do anyway: kill Ike.

Damien: It is decided then. For this offense, in order to keep certain parties happy, Stan is banished from South Park. If ever he is found here again, I will have no choice but to kill him.

They exit (with Ike Broflovski's body).

Annnnnnnd Kenny's dead. Those bastards. D: Well well, we're getting somewhere in this story, yeah? Sweet. A long chapter for you guys, after many many short ones. Gotta love that plot device, right? Right? OTL

J'aime reviews, mais je n'aime pas flames. ;D Well I mean, I do. Flames make me laugh. I digress; Reviews for this poor French soul?