So, I was standing in my shower today, and I thought of this. I know, right? A quick warning, I cried like a baby while I was thinking about this/writing it.
I don't own Castle, just this idea and my uncontrollable tears.

April17,2011* Thank you all so much for all the reviews and favorites! Seriously, just this morning, I woke up and checked my email. I had 78, and 76 of them were fanfiction related. I never thought this story would get this much love/good hate. I warned you all it was sad!
Anyway... I just wanted to point out some things that I probably should've mentioned the first time around.
1. This is, as the title suggests, a book dedication. Specifically, the book dedication in the last book of the Nikki Heat series. It's long, but I feel like if this actually happened, he wouldn't be able to keep it short.
2. All those dates... yeah, I actually sat here with a calculator in front of me and was trying to figure out the number of days according to when the episodes aired. Is that nerdy? Yeah...
3. THIS IS PURELY FICTIONAL. It was just one of those things that got stuck in my head and I couldn't get out so I wrote it down. And then shared it with all of you (which may or may not be a good thing... I apologize for causing so many tears.)

Now, without further ado...


On the day this book, the fourth and final installment of the Nikki Heat Series is published, it will be exactly 5 years since the day I met you. That is 1,826 days since the moment you walked into my book party and changed my life forever. And it has been 1,823 days since I shook your world and started following you as research. It will be 1,674 days since I broke your trust for the first time and you kicked me off your team. It has been 1,616 days since you took me back. It will be 974 days since you killed the man who killed your mother in order to save my life. 882 days since your apartment blew up and I thought I lost you. It has been 721 days since the first time you referred to me as your partner. 720 days since I first promised you "always." I meant it. It will officially be 686 days since I realized how lucky I was, the day I finally got the chance to save you. 642 days since you took me to the movies. I never told you, but I've seen that movie hundreds of times. 635 days since you told me you were a one-writer kind of girl. 600 days since the fundraiser for your mother's scholarship. I couldn't take my eyes off of you that night, but then again, when have I ever been able to look away from you whenever you're in the room? It will be 581 days since the first time I met your father, when the two of you came up to my beach house to celebrate the 4h of the July with my family. 580 days since I first saw you in a swimsuit. 337 days since the first time I got shot. 334 days since the moment I woke up in the hospital to find you asleep in a chair next to the bed, holding my hand. 297 days have passed since you leaned over your desk that day at the precinct and gave me a brief kiss on the cheek. 269 days since I asked you out to dinner, and you said yes.

On the day this book is published, it will officially be 268 days since the day you took your last breath. 265 days since we buried you in a plot next to your mother and I felt an odd sense of contentment that you were with her again. I know you missed her so much. It will be 253 days since Ryan and Esposito caught the man who took you away from us. It will be 226 days since your father, Lanie, and I cleared out your apartment, sorting through your clothes and your jewelry and all the old pictures you never showed me. 225 days since your father handed me your necklace with your mother's ring on it, saying that you would've wanted me to have it. I haven't taken it off. 224 days since I took your mother's murder board from your window and put it up in my office. It will be 196 days since I realized what was missing and the boys and I found the man who ordered the hit on your mother. We all cried. We were just so happy for you. On the day this book is published, it will be 134 days after the original release date. It was selfish of me, but I just couldn't let you go. It will be 98 days since I put your picture up in the Old Haunt above the booth you and the boys used to sit at it. You'd probably hate it, but it makes me feel like you're still here. It will be 78 days since the last time I walked out of the 12th, carrying out the contents of your desk in cardboard boxes that I've unpacked and made room for in my own desk. And you wouldn't have wanted me to tell people, but this book will be published 3 days after what would have been your 36th birthday.

I've missed you every second since you left.

To the extraordinary Kate Beckett,
268 days ago, you used your last breath to tell me you love me.
I never got to return the favor.

I love you.
Always have. Always will.


Why do I torture myself this way? I literally am still crying. Am I just a huge softy? Because I think this is such a beautiful type of sadness.

Let me know what you think.