Disclaimer: We don't own the twilight saga or the characters and plots found therein.

Summary: Bella is forty. She's desperate. Her two gay bff's want to help her out.

Word Count: 1541

Author's Note: This collaborate effort, between ms-ambrosia and shoefreak37, is an entry for the Pineapple awards. Just so you know, the term "pineapple" refers to the worst lemon imaginable. So, yeah, this is terrible. To see all entries for the contest, visit teabaggingtwilight(dot)blogspot(dot)com Also, this story contains slash, adult situations, and a really disgusting threesome between Bella, Edward and Carlisle.

Opening the door, Bella took in the room. In the corner, a heart shape jacuzzi happily bubbled. Towards the middle of the room resided a king-sized bed, a machine next to it proclaiming "$.25 For Fifteen Minutes of Vibration!"

It was the classiest hotel room she had ever seen.

Turning to Carlisle, she smiled in earnest, and he placed a hand lightly on her cheek, brushing her bushy, out of control mop of brown hair away from her eyes. Carlisle gazed into her chocolaty orbs of perfection, framed by her pale fleshy face, and felt not even the slightest bit of desire stir in his loins. Nope, his red helmeted love warrior was infuriatingly flaccid.

Carlisle had no interest in Bella's nether lips or 'playing the slots' as it were. The only thing he truly desired, completely craved and dreamt of, was Edward's jive sausage. Just thinking of that man, his strong, corded muscles rippling as he pushed his beautiful round globes until they were flush with Carlisle's hips made the blond man groan. Bella mistook his reaction.

"Not long now, Carlisle," Bella said, rubbing her hands over her minuscule breasts and licking her lips. The paisley muumuu she wore shifted gently with her movements, her open-toed Dr. Scholl's sandals revealing her curling toes. Carlisle swallowed.

Edward chose that moment to show, pulling a large suitcase behind him, an overnight bag slung over his shoulder. Bella's cheeks flamed and she ceased her gyrating, looking down at her feet.

"This suitcase weighs a ton!" Edward exclaimed, throwing it on the bed. Promptly, something began vibrating.

"Edward," Carlisle chided. "You set off the bed."

Edward furrowed his perfect brow-even an expression of confusion made him look like some kind of bewildered Adonis. "No, it's Bella's suitcase," he said, beginning to unzip it as Bella rushed to his side.

"Stop!" Bella exclaimed, but it was too late.

A look of horror crossed Edward's face as he took in the assortment of toys and implements contained within Bella's suitcase. He quickly found the offending object-a gold-colored vibrator aptly named the "Bangin' Beaver." Thoughts of Bella's beaver immediately made his cum tube practically recoil into his body. He dropped the vibrator back into the suitcase, wiping his now tainted hand on his neatly pressed khakis.

"What is all this stuff?" Carlisle asked, wondering if Bella would be offended if he and Edward borrowed her red rubber whip. The image of his cock sliding and pumping into Edward's hot, tight ass as he smacked him with the whip made Carlisle's rectum rooter start to stir. He and Edward never really got into the kinky stuff much-well, unless handcuffs, ball gags, and nipple clamps were considered kinky.

"I said I was a virgin, not that I didn't like to jill off. I thought this stuff might be fun." Bella's eyes became hooded and she rubbed her thighs together. Both men knew she did this because of the rustling of her control top panty hose that made her sound like a giant cricket. "One of you get in me now! Forty years with no meat mallet is long enough."

Edward sighed. It was true; Bella was forty and her hymen was still in tact. He looked at his partner Carlisle, so beautiful, loving and caring, and he pondered how terrible life would be without the meat enema that Carlisle dealt him daily, sometimes twice. No matter how unpleasant the task before him might seem, Edward was determined to help his frumpy friend discard her maidenhood. The two men looked at each other and gave a resolute nod.

"Bella," Edward began, "take off your clothes."

Several minutes later, after Bella had carefully removed her cat's eye glasses and placed them in a case, put in contact lenses, shed her sandals and removed her girdle, peeled off her panty hose, shimmied out of her muumuu, sashayed out of her Playtex cross-your-heart bra, and hooked her thumbs into her parachute panties, Bella was almost naked.

"Are you guys ready?" she asked, trying to sound breathy but actually sounding asthmatic. Carlisle and Edward held onto each other tightly and nodded.

Bella slid the underwear down her legs slowly, revealing a lustrous mound of flowing tendrils. The tresses that protruded from her pelvis were flowing, frizzy, and delicately curly. They reached out towards her thighs-which glistened with her slut juice-and billowed in the slight breeze from the A/C unit that hummed merrily in the background. Then, the delicate cadence stopped.

The room was as silent as death.

Edward wept and buried his face in the crook of Carlisle's neck.

"I know," Bella whispered. "I feel it, too."

"Go lie on the bed, Bella," Carlisle said. Bella swiftly complied, sprawling out spread eagle, her fur burger displayed for all to see. She reached down and spread apart her beef curtains, revealing her heat, her center, her pulsating motherboard of femininity.

Edward turned to Carlisle and whispered, "I don't know if I can. Oh, god, Carlisle, she has a vagina. Just look at it. It looks so mean."

"Shhh," Carlisle shushed, kissing away the worried lines on Edward's forehead. "This is about Bella, not us. It'll be over soon enough." Edward steadied himself, lips in a straight line, and he walked over to Bella's suitcase. He closed his eyes and grabbed the first thing he could find.

"Oh, Billy!" Bella purred when she saw the toy that Edward brought to her. Edward and Carlisle both looked at the black rod, reading the sparkly lettering that proclaimed 'BILLY THE BUTTPLUG.' "Oh, Edward, fill my tight ass with a gorgeous, impersonal piece of rubber!"

Without further prelude, Edward directed Carlisle to hold up Bella's leg and spread her milky globes while Edward rammed the joy stick past Bella's tight ring of muscle and turned it on high. Because everyone knows that assholes are self lubricating. Bella shouted at the pleasure of it and began rubbing her sensitive mound, bits of chocolate from the candy bar she consumed on the ride over standing out clearly on her hands against the pale pink of her woman parts.

Carlisle grabbed Edward-completely turned on by the merciless way Edward pounded Bella with Billy-and kissed him with bruising force. The two men ripped off each others clothes, releasing their veiny, straining cocks. Bella groaned at the sight of their throbbing members, each one a full ten inches. Oh, how beautiful they were; two steel rods swathed in inches of man flesh, purple heads weeping salty seed.

"Please take my temperature with your %100 all beef thermometers!" Bella screamed.

Carlisle trailed his hands down Edward's chest, admiring the sprinkling of sparse, bronze hair that led to his family jewels. He took Edward's diamond-hard cock in his hand, pumping him furiously.

"It's time to pick Bella's special flower," he whispered into Edward's ear, the scent of his Orbitz gum wafting into Edward's nostrils. Carlisle always did have a dirty mouth.

Edward turned to face Bella again, watching as her sweet lady cream ran down her thighs and dripped from her juicy bits. Bella continued to flick her love button, her fingers pumping in and out of her curly curtains.

"Oh, Edward. Please, please put your purple-headed yogurt slinger in my whisker biscuit."

Grabbing her thighs, Edward pulled Bella closer, tugging Billy from her ass as he prepared to guide his glorious mayonnaise launcher into her juice box. The thought of sticking his skin flute in an actual pussy was too much for Edward, however. His magic wand began to shrivel and deflate like a pin-pricked balloon.

Knowing Edward couldn't do this alone, Carlisle spread Edward's cheeks apart and rammed his cream stick into Edward's corn hole. Edward felt the fire racing through his loins as Carlisle continued to ram it home. Approaching Bella once more, Edward guided his skin flute into her, only he missed her hair pie, hitting the Hershey Highway instead.

Bella screamed with pleasure, her twin peaks heaving as she began to move against Edward's meat hook. She moaned and squealed like a little pig, pinching her nipples with her chubby fingers. Her forehead was covered in sweat, her frizzy hair stuck to it. She was breathing loudly through her open mouth, her shuttering breaths the only accompaniment to the sound of slapping skin.

"Holy shit, Edward!" Bella shouted. "Whitewash my back porch while Carlisle fucks you with his Kentucky Telescope."

"How do you like plowing Bella's field while I plumb your bottomless pit of passion?" Carlisle asked Edward, causing the spam of the sandwich to groan.

"!" Edward whispered.

"We're going to cum!" They all shouted.

A cry rent the air like none had ever heard as Bella, Carlisle and Edward exploded in a sticky mess of virile seed. The two men had never released such a thick, continuous load as they did; the proof was found in the brown tinged semen that trickled down in creamy rivulets on Edward and Bella's thighs. It was glorious.

They collapsed on the bed, the sounds of love farts the only percussion to their heavy breathing.

"Uh, guys," Bella said, parting the sea of brown hair in her face. "I still have my hymen."

"Damn it," replied Carlisle and Edward in unison.