If iCarly were written by yours truly, and it was also a teen drama fest geared towards pervy hopeless romantics like me, then this is how the next one would go.
Previously on Dawson's Creek, errr... iCarly,
Sam: Shrinks back guiltily and watches Freddie's blank reaction.
Freddie: shakes head infinitesimally and mumbles, "It's cool…"
We stood frozen like statues staring at each other for what seemed like hours. I was afraid to breathe, afraid to blink, afraid the noise of my heart beating was going to make me go deaf it was so loud.
Why wouldn't he say something? I had put it all out there, damn it! Those were his words, "But you'll never know unless…." Well, now was my "unless".
He knew now that his stupid software indicated that I was in love, and now that I'd kissed him, he'd have to have put the pieces together by now. I wasn't into Brad like that, I'd made that clear. But I didn't tell him that his software didn't work, I just said that I didn't care what it said, I wasn't into Brad. All true.
Had I known that "in love" was a mood, I never would have volunteered to be a test subject. Seriously, "In Love"? When has that ever been considered a mood? "Hey John, how are you today? Oh, IN LOVE." Lame. But since I volunteered, and the damage had been done, I figured I might as well go for it. I'd been living with this secret for too damn long.
But, god damn it boys are so stupid! How could he not get the "hate" reference? How did he not remember that those were the same words he said to me after we kissed the first time, the words that obviously meant something different? He was supposed to be the smart one! Why else would I want to spend time with someone I "HATED" doing a project for school? I was doing all the things that a girl was supposed to do when she wanted a guy to know she liked him. I was nice to him; I was spending time with him without Carly whenever possible. I put up with his suspicious actions towards my new "nice and considerate" behavior because frankly, it was suspicious. I WAS acting this way for a reason, although I was hoping that he'd be a bit quicker on the uptake than he was being. And I was really hoping that I didn't have to resort to the drastic measures that I'd just resorted to.
Maybe I could have had a rational conversation with Freddie about my feelings for him. Maybe I could have written a letter, or even talked to Carly, who would have known what to do. But with Carly, there's a conflict of interest, and I was already conflicted enough about worrying about Freddie's feelings for her and how Carly would feel about my feelings toward Freddie to be able to talk to her about it.
But actions speak louder than words. So, in the end, I guess I'm glad I acted in my Sam-like impulsive ways. At least this would be out there now. If he would just react already.
I felt like screaming all of this at him, but was instead frozen and breathing shallowly, watching his eyes and the blank expression he was looking at me with.
He swallowed loudly and cleared his throat. "So, you…you don't hate me then?"
I rolled my eyes and huffed, irritated that I was still the one who was having to declare this information, not having any idea how he felt about me.
He stared at me, and I refused to answer, crossing my arms and preparing for the inevitable rejection that was coming my way. I mean, the boy sat there motionless while I kissed him. He didn't stop me, sure, but he sure as hell didn't wrap his arms around me and pull me closer either. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but his frozen motionless response wasn't it.
He smirked a little and shook his head minutely like he was in on some joke, and walked over to the step where I was sitting before he came out, and sat down. The tug I felt to be closer to him strengthened, and I had the overwhelming urge to sit down next to him. But I resisted, and instead took a few steps toward where he was and continued standing. I wanted to be able to run away as soon as he'd told me he wasn't into me that way.
He grabbed for my water bottle and I almost spoke up, but smiled and waited while he took a swig and then spit it out immediately.
"What is this? Straight vokda?" He sputtered.
I laughed heartily, nodding. "You think I'd have the nerve to do that sober?" I joked. I wasn't drunk, and had only acquired the bottle a few moments before from Wendy, but maybe blaming my actions on the alcohol would lessen the sting of the rejection.
He shook his head and took a small sip of the liquid, watching his face grimace as he swallowed.
"It's disgusting." He commentated. I nodded in complete agreement.
I sat down, finally relenting to the urge to be closer to him again. I sat close enough where I could feel the warmth coming off of his arm and our knees briefly brushed together.
I bit my lip and waited for him to talk, afraid that if I said anything, it would all come spilling out.
"Have you wanted to do that for a while?" He asked softly, neither of us looking at each other, but instead at the ground in front of us.
I huffed again. Why was he doing this to me? Was this payback for all the time I'd tortured him? Did he just want to see me humiliate myself even more before telling me that I wasn't his type?
He let out an annoyed sigh and said exasperatedly, "Sam, why can't you just talk to me?"
My eyes jerked up to him, "No, you don't get to be annoyed because I won't answer you! You're a smart guy, you know the answers already, and you just want to torture me more by making me say it out loud! That's fucked up and MEAN, Benson. So just tell me that I'm not your type, and that I shouldn't have-"
I was interrupted by the feel of his hand pulling my face to his and the touch of his lips on mine. This time, he wasn't the statue. This time, it was his lips moving against mine, and it took all of a second for the shock to wear off and my lips to melt into his. It was slow and sweet and I may have let out a really embarrassing sigh as I felt the languid way our mouths worked together. I loved the way his hand was cradling the side of my head and the gentle way his thumb was caressing my cheek. The whole experience was serene and out of body. I never wanted it to end. I hadn't wanted the last kiss to end either, but it felt a little awkward kissing him without him really responding, and I became terrified that I was nearing the point of assaulting him.
When this kiss ended, it didn't feel so scary this time. He pulled back but left his hand holding my cheek and rested his forehead against mine.
"This seems to be the only way we can communicate, Sam." He whispered and then let out a dry chuckle.
I shrugged and leaned in for another kiss, "I'm okay with that."
I walked back to my workstation in a daze. I'm not even how I got there. I looked up and saw Spencer sitting down in the chamber, his face pressed against the glass as he slept. I saw Gibby leaning against the glass on the other side, also fast asleep. So much for pulling an all night work session.
Not that I would have been able to contribute anything anyway. I was in shock.
I plopped into a chair and allowed my mind to process what I'd just witnessed.
After telling Freddie about the disaster that was my attempt to hook up Brad and Sam, I realized how pushy I'd been and how bad I'd felt trying to shove her into something she didn't want. I went to apologize. When I saw Freddie talking to her, I was actually really happy. I mean, I know he's not her favorite person in the world, but he was really trying to make her feel better. I could see she was trying to push him away, but he didn't let her keep him out, but then she…she kissed him.
She definitely just….kissed him.
So, she was "in love" like that pear pad app said. She just wasn't in love with Brad. She was in love with Freddie!
The information just wouldn't sink in. It just didn't make sense.
She hated Freddie. Freddie irritated the crap out of her. She was incessantly talking about how much he annoyed her.
I smacked my forehead when it finally clicked.
She was incessantly talking about him. Sam didn't incessantly talk about anyone BUT him. If anyone knew about Sam and her emotional….well her emotional retartedness, it was me. Of COURSE she didn't act like a normal girl around a boy she liked, she had no idea how to do that. The one and only time she mentioned she liked a boy and wanted my help, I pushed her into something that wasn't her.
It dawned on me then that the shock really wasn't the fact that Sam and Freddie kissed, it was the shock that she liked him…wait…loved him? And I didn't know it. I didn't know that my BEST FRIEND was in love with my OTHER BEST FRIEND? It seems so farfetched, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense.
I was hurt that she didn't tell me, but I knew why she didn't. I remembered how much I freaked out when I found out they'd kissed the first time. No wonder she kept it a secret.
I don't know how I would have reacted if she'd told me. My initial reaction was to think that I would have pushed. I would have "put the two horses in the barn and turned down the lights". It would have made things awkward for all of us on iCarly, that's for sure.
But, as much as I didn't want to, since I knew how much chaos it caused last time, I WAS freaking out. Did this mean that she felt this way when Freddie and I were going out? Did this mean that she said all that stuff to Freddie to break us up because she wanted him for herself? I tried to squash the feelings of jealousy and possessiveness in me, but they were coming out in full force.
I wouldn't make judgments like that until I'd talked to her. I'd try not to anyway. I contemplated waking up Spencer to talk to me about it, but I figured he needed to get some rest after all the torture Gibby and I had put him through.
I glanced over at Gibby and smiled in spite of myself. I wonder what precious nuggets of advice he'd have to say about the whole thing. Gibby was great at laying out the simplest yet most effective plans in cases like these.
It didn't occur to me until just then, that I had no idea how Freddie felt about the whole thing. Did he want Sam to kiss him? Did he like it? Did he like HER like that? I felt incredibly conflicted.
For my sake, I didn't want him to be into her like that. It was incredibly selfish of me, but he was only supposed to like ME like that. I was the one that he wanted to be with. But, for Sam, my best friend, I could only imagine how messed up she'd be if she'd put herself out there, something I'd only seen once, and ironically enough, it was for Freddie when she admitted that she'd never kissed anyone on iCarly, only to be rejected because he wasn't into her.
Would she hate me if that was the case? Would this cause problems for us as best friends?
The very idea that a romantic love triangle involving Freddie would be the cause of us not being friends was ludicrous, and I snorted out loud at the absurd nature of it.
I tried to look at Freddie in a romantic light, and once again was left feeling nothing but platonic friendship. I'd tried for so many years to see him in a romantic light. It would have been so easy for him to be my boyfriend. But the only thing other than friendship I'd felt for him was a hero complex. And after I'd gotten over that, it was back to pure platonic feelings. The jealousy and possessive feelings were merely a byproduct of my suspicions of Sam's intentions during our short lived "romance". Something I'd have to talk to Sam about later.
And Sam and I WOULD talk later, whether I had to drag her to the dentist and get her high on laughing gas or not.
But I could be better this time. I could be the supportive friend she needed, and hopefully, she'd let me.
Thanks to my lovely friend and Beta, Aussiemma, who deserves a medal for her fan-fucking-tastic praise that she gives for my silly little hobby. I love you bb!
Validation is the reason I do it..so please review?