Hey everyone! I was watching the Worst Witch one night and was basically just thinking that Heckety Broomhead would be hilarious in the "Spam" sketch of "Monty Python" so I made an adaptation of that for the Worst Witch. It's not all word-for-word to the actual Monty Python but to get some certain funny parts I'd recommend (to those who haven't already) to check it out on Youtube.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Worst Witch premise, premises for the story or the characters, they belong to the amazing Jill Murphy and any adaptations from the book belong to the writers/producers of the show.

Disclaimer: I do not own the "Spam" concept, that honour lies with the amazing Monty Python Writers etc.

Hope you enjoy this!


That awkward moment when Heckety Broomhead arrives at Cackle's Academy and nobody knew what to do. They didn't know why she was there, where she came from, who sent her there, or most importantly, why she was contented by sitting in the staffroom doing nothing. Was that not wasting time?

Constance was sitting in the corner, and as quickly as she possibly could, was devising new teacher/student development plans. Amelia was sitting next to her cupboard with the secret cake compartment that everybody knew about - she always left a trail of crumbs - and Davina was locked up safely in her cupboard. Imogen sat reading a sports magazine, with Heckety staring at her…..incessantly.

She continued to do so until the teachers couldn't possibly become any more tense. She spoke.

"I've always wondered why women bother with sports" she mused, eyes locked on Imogen until she eventually plucked up the courage to look up, "it's all very masculine," she continued. Imogen was about to defend herself when Heckety cut in again, "I've never seen any point to it."

"Well…" Imogen began nervously, not quite sure where to begin, "it teaches the girls co-ordination, teamwork; increases their health and they get to conquer the great outdoors!" It's evident how proud of herself she was.

"But what's the point? Running away will not help solve a potions problem!"

"Ummmmm…." Imogen murmured unsurely.

"Also, when I was inspecting your bedrooms I couldn't help but notice many erotic letters, often to "my dear Miss Thrill", I always thought you were Miss Drill. I was even more confused to see it from "Serge", I always thought Serge was a masculine name."

"Ummmmm….." Miss Drill said again, blushing deeply.

Davina, in the nick of time, burst forth from the cupboard.

"Lunch, Mistress Broomhead?" she asked.

"What's available?" she replied coldly.

"Eggs, eye of nuit, frogs' legs and spam; spam, fermented pond slime and spam; spam, spam, daisies and spam; spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam; spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam and spam; cat's tails spam, spam, pot-noodles with spam-flavoured spam and spam; spam, spam, spam, bat-flavoured broth and spam-"

"BAT FLAVOURED!" she exclaimed, horrified.

"Eye-flavoured noodles with vegetables and spam; spam, spam and spam; or my personal favourite, spam, spam, spam, cat food, spam, rose-flavoured daffodils with a side of spam, sunflower oil and spam surprise."

"Haven't you got anything without spyam in it?"

"Eye of nuit, frogs' legs and spam."

"But that's got spyam in it."

"It's not got much spam in it."

"I don't want any spyam."

"I'll have you spam, Mistress Broomhead," Amelia offered, "I love spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam."

"Look, can I just have eye of nuit, frogs' legs and spyam without the spyam?"


"I dewn't lyek spyam."

"Just have spam, spam, spam, daisies and spam."

"I'll have it without the spyam".


"Why not?"

" you can't have spam, spam, daisies and spam without the spam, can you!"

"I DEWN'T LYEK SPYAM!" Heckety screamed.

"Really?" Davina shrieked in return as she burst into the cupboard.

"Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam," Miss Cackle sang to herself.

"Miss Cackle, I would rather enjoy some of those cream cakes and some of that cheesecake that you have in that cupboard of yours."

Awkward. Constance and Imogen looked up to see what would happen next. Davina's head crept out of the cupboard.

Miss Cackle continued to glare at Heckety.

"Look! A bat eating spam!"

"I DEWN'T LYEK BATS! I DEWN'T LYEK SPYAM! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" she screamed as she ran out like lightning. All was well in Cackle's again!

Well that's it! Hope you enjoyed it! Please review and let me know what you think. =) And if you don't get it, then I do recommend you check out the real sketch in Youtube - it's one of the most comical things I've ever watched! Thanks for reading!