Location: 10 Miles Outside Of South Park, Colorado
Mission Leader: Mysterion
Mission: Recover Professor Chaos & General Disarray From The Coon To Extract Vital Information
The blonde teen in a skin-tight dark purple jump suit that had a question mark bouncing from the top like something The Riddler from Batman would have sighed and dropped the mission file on the long table in front of him. Why did every government that sent them a mission insist that he was the leader? Granted, he had "street cred" from the incident with Cthulu back when he was nine, but it got so damned annoying.
Besides, why would he want to rescue Professor Chaos? He left him for The Coon months ago. Even if Professor Chaos was in danger, why should Mysterion care?
"Hey," the black haired teen next to him who looked like a tool otaku*, Tool Shed, said to get his attention, "what's the mission?"
When he still didn't answer, another teen in gray spandex with a kite attached to his back, Human Kite spoke up: "Mysterion! What're we doing?"
Mysterion jumped at his friend's voice, finally snapping back to reality. He sighed and crossed his arms over his chest as he looked at his allies, his friends. Tool Shed to his immediate left and Human Kite to his immediate right. Next to Tool Shed was who once was a black teen, Tupperware. Across from him was Mosquito, a half-human half-mosquito teen that quite frankly creeped Mysterion out. Next to him was a former teenager, Iron Maiden, who literally was just that, an iron maiden. And finally, across from him was the half-human, half-cereal-puffball Mint-Berry Crunch, who had thankfully returned from his home world when summoned by Mysterion.
He cleared his throat and braced his hands against the table. "Sorry about that. We have to get Professor Chaos and General Disarray from The Coon."
Tool Shed's eyes widened. "Oh dude…sorry."
"Well," Human Kite chimed in, "are we gonna go?"
Mysterion's eyes narrowed. That was a good question, one that he didn't have an answer for. He squeezed his eyes closed. He hadn't seen Professor Chaos since they broke off their relationship six months ago, when he left him for The Coon…
…Six Months Ago…
"Hey," a blonde in an orange parka and dark blue skinny jeans ran up to where his friends were waiting at the bus stop as always, "has anyone seen Butters?"
A black-haired teen in a brown jacket and baggy jeans exchanged a look with the redhead in an orange jacket, tight blue jeans, and light green ushanka he was holding hands with. He shook his head. "No, not since yesterday. Why? He disappeared again?"
The blonde nodded. "His parents said he was still home last night when they went to bed, but just was…gone this morning. They thought that maybe he came to the bus stop early."
The redhead shook his head as well. "Sorry Kenny, but we haven't seen him."
Kenny sighed and scratched his head. "Dammit."
"You know what's strange though," the redhead said as-a-matter-of-factly, "is that I haven't seen Cartman since before school let out yesterday either. He's normally here right before you and Butters, Ken."
"Oh yeah, I guess he isn't here. Huh…" The black-haired teen scratched absently at his chin. Cartman's disappearance wasn't too big of a deal. No one ever seemed to care when he skipped.
Kenny's eyes narrowed. "They couldn't be tied together Kyle, that's impossible." Even though he said that, every part of his mind was telling him that he was just saying that.
Kyle shrugged. "Who knows, right? But, I mean, come on, Cartman rarely skips since he got together with Wendy, this being the first time in months, and it just so happens that Butters goes missing when he skips. I highly doubt that's a coincidence dude."
The black-haired teen sighed at the sight of Kenny's face becoming doused in worry. "Jesus Kyle, did you have to go and freak him out?"
"I'm just speaking my opinion Stan!" Kyle huffed. "Look, maybe it is a coincidence, but that's just hard for me to accept. Besides, Butters doesn't skip, he's too afraid of getting grounded to skip."
Kenny crossed his arms over his chest and knit his eyebrows together. Even though he hated to admit it, what Kyle said made perfect sense. Cartman rarely skipped anymore and Butters never did. So maybe there is something going on. If there is, it would be because of Cartman, he'd always hated Butters and constantly made plans to humiliate or attempt to kill him - those pretty much stopped once Kenny became involved with the innocent blonde though. He looked at his friends. "Come on, we're skipping today too!"
"Huh?" Stan raised an eyebrow. Though Kenny wasn't the person who loved school, he never skipped unless he had an emergency of some kind.
"I can't Kenny," Kyle said with an apologetic tone, "I have a test seventh hour."
"We'll get back to school by then at the very latest, okay?" Kenny clapped his hands together in a praying way and gave his friend the irresistible puppy dog eyes. "Please guys?"
Kyle made a face that clearly said he was trying to resist the puppy dog eyes but failing. He sighed and then nodded. "Fine, I'll come along."
Stan chuckled and moved so that he had his arm draped over Kyle's shoulders. "Count me in too!"
Kenny smiled. "Thanks for this guys."
"No problem." Kyle returned the smile. "So, where should we start looking?"
Everyone thought for a while, trying to remember all the places Cartman usually went with Butters to humiliate him ever since they were kids. They all drew up the same conclusion: his basement, the "lair" of Coon and Friends when they were in the fourth grade, where they had kept Butters, at that time known as Professor Chaos, locked in a makeshift cell. That, above all else that they knew of, was the one thing Cartman had done that truly embarrassed Butters completely and totally.
Kenny groaned when they agreed to search Cartman's basement. "This should be fun," he said sarcastically.
"Oh yeah." Kyle rolled his eyes.
Stan grabbed onto Kyle's hand as they trio began walking towards Cartman's house. "We haven't been in his basement since we had that stupid Coon and Friends club."
"Yeah, I really didn't wanna have to go back, ever," the redhead sighed.
"Me neither," Kenny agreed.
"Well, if anything, we just need to make sure that Cartman isn't trying to kill Butters or something." Stan shrugged. "Hopefully we're way off though."
Kenny nodded his agreement as they stopped in front of the door into Cartman's house. He raised his fist to knock, but an overly chipper fat brunette in a white t-shirt that had a hastily drawn "C" on the front and black jeans answered the door. The three boys at the door stared blankly at him, not just because of the t-shirt and pants that mimicked his old costume for when he was The Coon, but also because he had a raccoon tail, raccoon ears, whiskers, and sharpened nails that resembled claws to boot. Seriously? He was seriously wearing that?
"Why hello guys," he greeted, "so nice of you to come!"
"Cartman," Kyle pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance, "what the hell are you wearing?"
"Clothes, Kahl, clothes." Cartman smirked.
"Not that, fat ass, I meant that goddamn costume! Why are you wearing that?"
"Costume?" He looked down at himself and then laughed. "Oh my, this is no costume Kahl."
"Yes it is retard!" Kyle yelled. "That's that damn Coon costume from when we were nine!"
"Oh, well, yes, when we were nine it was a costume…back then anyway."
"What're you talking about?" Stan asked with an exasperated sigh.
"Come with me and I'll show you." Cartman turned to walk to his basement, his friends following.
"Cartman," Kenny spoke up as they walked down the darkened stairs to the basement, "we came here to ask you if you know where Butters is, not to see if you've gone completely insane."
Cartman laughed again. "No, I can't say I have, at least not for a few hours."
"Where'd he go?"
"You'll see in just a moment."
Kenny's eyebrows knit together and his ground his teeth. He was getting a really bad feeling the further they descended the stairs, and the feeling he was getting from the two behind him said they had the same feeling.
When the four finally reached the bottom of the stairs, Cartman flipped the light switch on to shoe that he'd done a complete overhaul on the basement. Three of the four walls were lined with full-sized, fully functional super computers only found in sci-fi or superhero movies, the fourth wall had a long mirror installed into it, behind which, another room now existed. Smaller super computers that resembled something out of Battlestar Galactica lined areas ten feet away from the larger super computers, and four more of those same ones surrounded a large device that closely resembled a transporter from Star Trek in the exact center of the room. The walls, floor, and ceiling were made completely of sheet metal.
Stan, Kyle, and Kenny stared at the once-basement with astonishment. It was impossible for that to actually exist, right? There was no possible way Cartman could've built that, could've renovated his basement into something straight out of a kick-ass sci-fi film…right?
"Holy shit dude," Kenny said with amazement thick in his voice.
"You can say that again," Stan agreed.
"W-What the hell…?" Kyle looked over at Cartman. "How did you do this?"
Cartman smirked and crossed his arms over his chest. "I had some help from an old enemy turned friend." He pointed over to where someone was slumped over messing with some wires in one of the super computers. "Hey butt hole, introduce yourself."
The figure stood and turned around. His face was bordered in a silver metal sci-fi crown that had a single red ruby in the top center, on his hands were bracers that were made of dark brown cloth and more silver metal, and a dark green silk cape was tied around his neck. That wasn't what Kenny noticed though; it was the short unruly blonde hair, the narrow light blue eyes, the light blue tank top, green pants, and black Converse that he noticed first off. It was Butters dressed as Professor Chaos and holding wrench.
"Butters?" Kenny's mouth dropped open in surprise. "Y-You helped him with this?"
Butters chuckled bashfully and scratched the back of his head. "Not really. You see, The Coon already had the Soul Modifier built. Unfortunately, it was only good for one go, so he chose me so that I could give it a fine tune to suit an unlimited–"
"Wait, wait," Kyle said quickly. "'Soul Modifier?' And why are you referring to Cartman as The Coon again?"
"W-Well, that's because he is The Coon now. The Soul Modifier changed him into the physical form of what his soul truly feels he is, like it did with me. The moment I stepped out of the Soul Modifier, I really did become Professor Chaos."
There wasn't any response for a minute or two, but finally Kyle said harshly, "That's retarded. Cartman tricked you into believing that you really changed into Professor Chaos so that you could 'help' him build this ridiculous themed basement."
Still, Butters shook his head. "No Kyle, it's true."
"Yes Kahl," Cartman chimed in with yet another smirk gracing his face, "it's all true."
Stan sighed and ran one hand through his hair. "Cartman, this isn't even funny, it's stupid. We need to get to school."
Kenny nodded. "Come on Butters," he held out one hand to his boyfriend, "let's go."
Butters shook his head. "I know everything I need to now, I don't need to go to school."
Kenny shot a glare at Cartman. "Listen Butters, you shouldn't listen to that dumbass, he doesn't know what he's talking about."
"Exactly!" Kyle agreed.
Cartman sighed and rolled his eyes. "Fine, if you guys don't believe me," he gestured to the machine in the center of the room, "then you'll have no problems with just testing out the Soul Modifier for yourselves."
"Fine." Kyle threw his hands into the air and walked forward into the center of the machine. "When this doesn't work, we're all going to school and I'm going to tell everyone just how fucking stupid you acted."
"Fine." Cartman shrugged. "Kenny, Stan, will you kindly join me and Professor Chaos in the safety chamber?"
Kyle raised a concerned eyebrow at the mention of the words "safety chamber." He watched the four teens go through the automatic sliding door and into the room behind the window. He watched through the window as Butters hit multiple buttons, a few moments later, the two halves of the Soul Modifier began softly glowing, catching Kyle's surprised attention.
"What the hell?" Kyle looked up at the top half of the machine in astonishment. Surely it wasn't actually going to work. It'd do a light show and then stop, that was all…right?
"Kyle," Butters voice rang through speakers placed in all four corners of the room, "you're gonna feel a little pinch, but don't worry about it. It'll only last a few seconds, if that."
"Uh," Kyle looked at the others through the window nervously, "okay…?" A pinch? Really? Surely not. Butters was just saying that because Cartman told him to is all.
Just then, the Soul Modifier began humming and whirring and the once soft glowing light became brighter all at once. Kyle's eyes widened before he averted them away from the harsh white light coming from above and below him. A second later, the light shot out from both above and below, encasing him in a cylinder of white light that somehow caused him to defy gravity for a full minute as he floated with his back arched. He felt the pinch for all of half a second, but it was enough to freak him out. Something was happening; his soul was welling up inside of him and then all at once felt like it exploded. He let a short scream escape his throat just before he drop down to his knees on the floor of the Soul Modifier.
The door to the safety room flew open and Stan ran out. "Kyle!" He dropped down on his knees next to his boyfriend. "Are you okay?"
Kyle let out a breath he'd been holding and nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine." He looked up at Cartman, who was standing right in front of him now. "I don't feel any different fat ass. Now let's go."
Cartman smirked down at the redhead. "It worked, I know it did."
Kyle's eyes narrowed. "It didn't work."
"Yes it did you fucking Jew rat."
"Stop belittling my people you fat fuck!" As he yelled, a blast of wind came from nowhere and slammed Cartman back into the back panel of one of the small super computers surrounding the Soul Modifier. Kyle's eyes widened again. "W-What the hell?" He breathed out.
Stan's eyes widened. "Kyle? What was that?"
"I don't know." Kyle lifted his hand, palm up, in front of his face. A tiny wind cyclone formed in the center of his hand. He began shaking. "What's going on?"
Cartman coughed out a laugh as he regained his breath. "You have become the side of yourself that your soul has longed to become. You're now truly Human Kite."
*Otaku=a person who is obsessed with something or has an insane amount of knowledge on a particular subject.
Pairings: Style (Shed/Kite), Bunny (Mysterion/Chaos), Cartters (Coon/Chaos), Clyde/Token (Mosquito/Tupperware)