My Mutant Goldfish Ate My Flesh!

Chapter One
'Yui's Amazing Speech!'

"Don't you think Ton-chan looks lonely?"

"What Ton-chan feels isn't relevant to our up-coming concert," said Nakano Azusa through clenched teeth, glaring at Yui sourly.

Yui, however, was blessed with an incredibly blithe nature; or maybe she was just stupid (Ui, of course, thought Yui was a genius- but Ui's opinion was just a little biased). Yui happily ignored Azusa's (incredibly realistic) concerns; instead, she opted to live in cheerful Yui-land, which was a completely separate universe to 'real life' where cakes rained from the sky and mice could sing and you didn't need to revise for tests to get perfect grades and drinking tea really was an acceptable replacement for band practice.

"I think Ton-chan looks lonely," Yui continued, her fingertips still pressed against Ton-chan's glass tank; just like a small child at an aquarium.

Azusa sighed.

"Be that as it may, we still need to practice."

"Azu-nyan, you have no heart!~" Yui shot back, turning to give the twin-tailed guitarist her best puppy dog eyes. "Think of poor Ton-chan!"

"Yui-senpai, it's a turtle."

"'It' has a name!" Yui declared, her lower lip trembling. "J-just because Ton-chan's a turtle it doesn't mean she doesn't have any feelings! You're so cruel, Azusa! You don't understanddd!~"

"Oh, I understand," said Azusa, voice deadpan, folding her arms. "I understand perfectly."

At this, Yui's eyes brightened up, as though somebody had told her cakes were very beneficial for your health and you should eat them five times a day (not that health advice would've really stopped Yui eating her sugar-coated pastries; she devoured them regardless of their calorie content, and she never gained an ounce of weight. Hirasawa Yui- fuelled by sugar and stupidity; she really was a miracle of modern science).

"Do you understand, Azu-nyan?" Yui squealed, rushing forwards to the give the younger girl an over-enthusiastic hug. "I knew you would!~ You're a kind person behind your cruel exterior aren't you? You understand poor Ton-chan's plight, yes? Yes? Yayyy!"

Azusa sighed. She'd known Hirasawa Yui for a year and a half- and, by this point, she knew it was pointless trying to prise Yui off her. That girl was scarily determined when it came to pulling Azusa into bone-shattering hugs- and she clung on, limpet like, to the twin-tailed guitarist whether she wanted her to or not.

"My heart bleeds for poor Ton-chan," said Azusa stiffly, "but that's beside the point. You're stalling for time, aren't you, Yui-senpai?"

"Whatever do you mean, Azu-nyan?~" asked Yui innocently, eyes wide.

"You haven't practiced for the upcoming concert, and you have no desire to, and you're trying to distract me."

"Eh! N-no!~" Yui squealed, drawing away from Azusa as though she'd been electrocuted. "T-that's so mean, Azu-nyan!"

"But it's what you're doing."

"Well…" Yui pouted, pressing the tips of her two index fingers together. "Maa~aaybe."

Azusa sighed. Even though Yui was her 'senpai', Azusa often felt like a parent with a small child when she was with Hirasawa Yui.

"I thought so," said Azusa simply, flipping a twin tail over her shoulder. "Now let's practice."

"B-but the others aren't here yet!" Yui protested, her arms flailing like undercooked noodles.

Azusa's dark eyes remained impassive, and her voice was cool when she said, "So?"

"So we haven't had any tea or cake yet!"

"We don't need it," said Azusa, frowning. "You always say you'll practice after one more slice of gateau or one more cup of tea, but it never works like that! For the sake of the band, I think we should skip out on the food this time."

Azusa made her way across the clubroom with a series of determined footsteps. She took her Fender Mustang out of its case and slung it over her shoulder, her eyes still blazing with the fires of intense concentration Yui only got when she saw a large array of cakes and desperately wanted to sample them all.

Yui wasn't sure if it was possible to tune a guitar 'angrily', but Azusa seemed able to do it. Her eyes were narrowed, her shoulders were tense, and everything about her screamed 'don't irritate me!'

Unfortunately, Yui was never very good at reading the atmosphere.

Either that, or she just liked irritating Azusa.

"Hey, Azu-nyannn~" said Yui, her voice adapating a sing-song lilt.

"What?" asked Azusa, looking from her guitar. "You should be practicing, too. We'll give the others a nice surprise."

A 'heart attack', more like. The idea of Hirasawa Yui doing more work than necessary, and not being completely slovenly, would've been enough to give poor Mio a cardiac arrest; and there was nothing scarier than a determined Yui.

It was really in Mio's best interests, therefore, that Yui had decided to sit down, doing more strenuous than smiling at the irritable Azusa.

Yui only had Mio's best interests at heart.

"Azu-nyan," Yui continued, smiling blithely, "are you on a diet?"

Azusa's face went bright red. "W-what? H-how is that relevant…?"

"Well, you're being really mean towards the poor cakes," said Yui, as though it were the simplest thing in the world. "And there's no reason for it, unless you're on a diet, so…"

"T-that has nothing to do with it! I-I just want to practice-"

"But Azu-nyan, you're not even fat!" Yui continued, her eyes sparkling. "Even if you get a little bit chubby I wouldn't mind, 'cause then there'd be more Azu-nyan to love! You'd be all round and soft and squishy! Yayy! Chubby Azu-nyan! It's so cuuute!"

Azusa's left eye twitched.

"I-I say what I mean!" Azusa retorted, her voice stuttering- fragmented with embarrassment. "I'm not on a diet, okay? I-I just thought somebody should take responsibility around here, g-geez! I'm sure Mugi-chan won't mind if we miss out on the cakes this once-"

At that moment, Azusa's angry retort was cut off by the sound of the club room door opening. All at once, the scent of some delicate flower- maybe lilies- filled the room, washing away the negative vibe Azusa had spewed everywhere with her dour-faced guitar tuning and assurances that no, she wasn't on a diet.

An air of calm surrounded the club room.

An air of calm that could only belong to two rather prominent eyebrows- and the good-natured, smiling girl attached to them.

"Hello, everybody. I hope I'm not interrupting anything," said Tsumugi, walking into the room with the grace of a ballerina in Swan Lake. "Today I thought we could have strawberry daifuku and marshmallow tea- if that's acceptable? Oh, and Azusa-chan… Why are you holding your guitar?"

…Because they were members of the light music club, perhaps?

Azusa groaned.

Once more, it looked like another day where they wouldn't get any work done.

Oh, hooray.

Azusa picked at her cake with an expression that could curdle milk, her eyes downcast. It was true the dessert was delicious- as was all the food Mugi brought in for them to sample- but, somehow, the moment she put it into her mouth it began to taste of cardboard.

Azusa had wanted to practice so badly- and that bitter disappointment left a filthy taste in her mouth.

She knew the other members of HTT were going to graduate soon; and when they left, where would that leave her? She wanted their last few months together to be productive- leaving her with happy memories of how well they'd played together. Eating cakes and drinking tea was fine, but- as a music club- they really should have been playing their instruments more.

If Azusa had wanted to drink tea, she would've taken tea ceremony!

However, the others seemed impervious to Azusa's gloomy nature; save for perhaps Mio, who gave the twin-tailed guitarist a small, encouraging smile.

Mugi, Ritsu and Yui, however, were all crowded round Ton-chan's tank; Yui peering into the crystalline water with a plate of strawberry daifuku in one hand, a fork pressed between her lips, and a ponderous expression on her face.

"D'nt y'h thnk Ton-chan looks lon'ly?" Yui muttered indistinctively through her fork.

Azusa only understood what Yui said because the brunette had posed the same question to her whilst stalling for time; but how Ritsu managed to distinguish Yui's unintelligible muttering was a mystery worthy of a series of best-selling detective novels. Then again, Ritsu and Yui shared very similar mentalities; perhaps they also possessed some strange, telepathic bond?

"You're right," said Ritsu, tapping the glass of Ton-chan's tank thoughtfully. "I'd be miserable if somebody cooped me up in a class cage."

"Sometimes I think that would be the best place for you," said Mio, sighing. "You'd pose less of a danger to us 'normal people' that way."

"Hey!" Ritsu gave a mock-indignant cry, turning to glare at Mio. "For the third time, my forehead did not make that little kid cry, okay?"

"Poor Ton-chan," said Mugi, in her typical dreamy tones, intercepting some witty comeback Mio had probably intended to make. "I never before stopped to think how lonely it would be, enclosed in a glass tank with no close company…"

"Ton-chan ha' us, b't ju't n't same," Yui agreed (at least, Azusa thought she was agreeing; she couldn't really hear Yui too well through the prongs of her fork).

Ritsu, Mugi and Yui all sighed in unison- "Poor Ton-chan."

Azusa frowned.

"Never mind poor Ton-chan," said the twin-tailed girl. "Poor our audience, when they hear how terrible we sound because we haven't practiced."

"Azu-nyan," said Yui, pulling her fork out of her mouth so her words were perfectly understandable to human ears- sadly, at the wrong point in the conversation- "I already said I'd love you no matter how fat you are."

"Huh?" said Ritsu, turning to look at Azusa. "Azusa's not fat…"

"She doesn't appear to be," said Mugi, still using those honey-coated, silky-smooth tones- but something very strange began to twist her airy words. "But it's difficult to tell a person's true weight with all those clothes in the way…"

Azusa's face went bright red- and her blush only intensified when Yui said, "oh, that's a good idea."

"O-okay!" said Azusa, wrapping her arms protectively round her middle. "Y-you're not allowed to strip me, okay, Yui-senpai? A-and I already said I wasn't on a diet!"

But, apparently, Yui had had enough of that particular topic of conversation- even though Tsumugi looked just a tad disappointed. Azusa didn't want to know what the blonde girl was imagining; but she probably wouldn't like it.

"Azu-nyan, I understand you're going through a very difficult time," said Yui- her voice unusually serious, for once. "I know… that one day- very soon- we're all going to graduate and leave you…"

All of a sudden, Azusa felt a lump well up in her throat.

From humiliation/anger to sappy sentimentalism; Yui really could push Azusa's buttons as no other could. Sometimes, Azusa thought Yui could play her better than she could play her beloved Gitah.

"And when I look at Ton-chan, all lost and lonely, it kind of makes me think of you," said Yui, smiling- just a little; though her sudden, knowledgeable expression was sullied, somewhat, by the crumbs around her mouth. "And I just got to thinking, I like seeing lonely people. And even if I can't help graduating or growing up-"

No, Yui-senpai, thought Azusa- though not unkindly, no matter how old you get, you'll never grow up.

"-so I'm going to have to leave you for a short while," Yui continued. "But… Um… Hehehe, this might sound silly, but I can make sure Ton-chan doesn't get too lonely."

Azusa's eyes widened.

Despite the cake crumbs, and despite the fork in her hands, and despite the small, almost goofy smile on her face, Yui looked a lot more mature than she had ever done before.

Against her wishes- against her greater judgements- Azusa felt herself beginning to get emotional. She'd been trying to ignore her upperclassmen's impending graduation; and maybe that was why she was so desperate to practice, because when she sat and ate cakes it was too easy reminding herself it wouldn't last…

She'd tried to forget.

But Yui had brought it all back up again.

Yui, with her small smile, wouldn't let Azusa forget.


"And so…" Yui continued, her voice becoming more exuberant as she stabbed her fist into the air, "I think we should all go out, post haste, and buy a new friend for Ton-chan!"

"Yeah! That's an excellent idea!" said Ritsu, giving Yui a high five. "That totally beats rehearsing!~"

"Like you'd rehearse anyway," said Mio, rolling her eyes; but there was no malice behind it. "But… That could be fun… I suppose."

"I-I'd do anything to ensure Ton-chan isn't lonely!" said Mugi, her eyes filled with determination. "It was selfish of me not to have thought of it earlier…"

Azusa, meanwhile, could only sigh.

Had Yui made that 'we'll be graduating soon' speech just so she could go and buy another new (completely unnecessary) pet for the club room? Azusa couldn't help but feel manipulated, just slightly.

And yet, despite that…


The rest of the band were looking at her expectantly; their eyes all pleading (save perhaps Mio's, who didn't seem to care much either way).


Azusa sighed.

How could she say no now?

a/n: This fic has perhaps the best title ever XDD Actually, it was kind of based on the title of an old 'horror' movie called 'Mutant Weasels Rip My Flesh', which was… interesting… The 'weasels' in question were either weird, off-scale models or stock footage of hamsters or w/e, and there was a shark at the end.

So, yeah, I love cheesy old horror movies XD And I decided to write a K-On! fic based on a similar premise to those old movies; i.e. it attempts to be scary, but the 'monster' is so completely ridiculous/stupid you can't take it seriously. So yeah, horror/humor. If I could choose another genre category I'd choose friendship, but I can't, so ffff XD

This fic will be about 7 chapters long and they'll all be reasonably short.

~renahhchen xoxo