Author's Note: Here's that prequel to My Black Dahlia that I've been working on. I suggest you read "My Black Dahlia and In the Arms of the Angels before reading this. This is rated M for the mature themes. There will be some scenes of rape, but I wouldn't really say that it's Lemon. I don't go into the details because I don't write Lemon. This is Xion's perspective, and when she is raped, her mind tries to block the trauma out so she concentrates on other things. Enjoy guys...
I do not own Kingdom Hearts or the lyrics to "Scars Remain" by Disciple. The story itself is my idea though.
It was the first day of summer. I was so happy to finally be out of school. It meant more time to spend with my friends and that meant less time with my abusive uncle, Cid. Kairi and I had been forced to live with him since our mom died about five years ago from breast cancer and our worthless father abandoned us. Mom's death put me through an awful stage of depression. If it wasn't for Kairi, Roxas, Sora, Namine, and Axel, I don't know what I would have done. Before mom died, I had beautiful, wine-colored hair like my twin sister, Kairi. I dyed it black after the funeral. I drew away from my friends, skipped school constantly and even thought about killing myself. I didn't want to live anymore. Cid made the thought of suicide even more appealing. He did horrible things to us. He would beat us every day and cut every inch of our bodies with broken glass and dirty, used razors. And when he was especially pissed at the world, he…he…he would rape us. I hated that sick, twisted man so much. The thought of what he did to us made me want to cry, and when he would do it, it made me wish I were dead.
I eventually recovered from the depression. I started to let my friends back into my life. I kept the short, black hair because I felt that it suited me better. Roxas seemed to like it as well, and I liked the thought of that. But Cid still abused us. I was sad that my first time had been taken away from me by my piece-of-crap uncle. I wanted it to be special with someone I really loved! Kairi understood because she was raped by him too. I think he raped her more than he did me though. I could hear her soft cries in the middle of the night from her room. I'd open my door and see Cid walking out of the room. If he saw me, he would run to my room and beat me until I was within an inch of my life. Then he would berate me about how weak and worthless I was. He would tell me that no one would want me because he had defiled me. Well, he had a harsher word for it than "defiled', but I didn't like to cuss, especially when Kairi was around. She was a Christian and I could tell it bothered her when she heard me and Cid cuss each other out. I don't know how she still had faith after all we had gone through, but she did. Maybe that was what kept her sane. Did she know something I didn't? I tried not to think about it too much.
I got out of bed, which was almost always the hardest part of the day considering how crappy my home life was, and walked to the bathroom. I undressed and stepped in the shower. I turned the water on until it was hot enough and let the steamy water run down my body. The steam cleared my head and woke me up. The hot water relaxed my aching muscles.
After the shower, I stepped out and dried myself off. I stopped in front of the full-length mirror and scanned over my body. It had once been like anyone else's body, but not anymore. I had deep scars going across my chest, stomach, legs, and arms from where Cid would cut me. There were also cigarette burns that Cid had given me. I gently touched the scars that marred my body and a few painful tears escaped my eyes. Why did he have to do this to me? What had I done to deserve this abuse?
Kairi and I would have moved out in a heartbeat. We were seventeen, we had every right to, but Kairi and I didn't have anywhere to go. Of course, anywhere would have been better than there. Even Cid's own daughter didn't live here. Namine lived with her best friend, Tifa Lockhart. Cid was pretty pathetic to drive away his own daughter.
I walked to my closet and fished out some clothes. I found a black tank top and a pair of shorts. I wore my bathing suit underneath my clothes in case we all decided to go to the beach. Kairi and I would be hanging out with Roxas, Axel, Sora, and Namine today. Tifa would have come, but she had to work at her bar, Seventh Heaven, all night tonight and needed to sleep all day so she could stay awake tonight. I liked it when Tifa would show up. She was nice, and having someone like her around made me have a little more faith that humanity wasn't completely screwed up.
I met my sister in the hallway. "Hey, Xion," she said. "Good morning."
"Good morning, Kairi," I said. "Let's get out of here before Cid finds us."
"You two didn't think you could get away from me, did ya?" Cid said in his thick, country accent. He sounded like Larry the Cable Guy. "You ain't leavin' here without a little family time!" That's what he would call it when he tortured us, "family time". Last time I checked, families didn't act like that. Families loved, not abused.
"Kairi, run!" I said. About the time I said that, Cid picked up an old, autographed baseball from the table and pitched it at me. I tasted the metallic flavor of my blood in my mouth when it hit me in the jaw. It didn't hurt as much as it used to because I was used to pain being a part of everyday life.
"Xion!" Kairi yelled. I snapped out of the daze the impact from the baseball put me in and ran through the cluttered house. I almost tripped over Cid's banjo. I thought about stepping on the neck and snapping it in half, but Cid would have killed me when I got home later that day. And I mean he would have literally taken my life.
We made it out of the house and jumped in Kairi's car. She started the ignition and peeled out of the driveway before Cid could get one of his guns. I just knew we were in for it when we got home. And we would eventually have to come home. But for now, we were free and safe. Actually, I think we would have been safer with a Mafia hitman than we were with Cid.
I sighed in relief that we were finally out of firing range. "That was close," I said.
"Yeah, really," Kairi responded. "Hey, Xion, are you ok? You're bleeding pretty bad." I looked in the mirror at my mouth and I had been bleeding from where Cid hit me with that baseball.
"I'm fine," I lied. I always lied when people asked me that. Truth is, I was never fine. My whole life was one bad thing after another. Mom dying, dad leaving us, Cid beating us, and far too many more to name. I didn't think things would ever get better.
"Ok," she said. She knew I was lying. The reason she knew was that she went through the exact same things I did. She would get beaten, cut, burned, and raped just like I would. The scars on her body matched mine. I was just glad we had such understanding friends. We used to be too ashamed to wear bathing suits in front of them, but then they saw the scars on our arms and legs and told us that they understood. I knew that they didn't really understand, but they knew that it wasn't our fault and they still loved us. The one I was most afraid of seeing my scars was Roxas. I was afraid he wouldn't find me attractive with all the scars on my body. But he didn't seem to mind. He still loved me anyway.
I looked over toward my twin and smiled. She was the only person on earth that understood everything I went through. I don't know what I would have done without her. She was my rock, my anchor. I loved my sister so much. She glanced over to me and smiled. Then, she reached for the stereo and turned on some music. The song, "Scars Remain" by Disciple was playing. In all honesty, it was our song. The lyrics were so true to our lives:
What is all this
The question I am asking
It's not what is
I feel like I was promised.
This hurts, this leaves
A lasting laceration
I can't believe that this is what my faith was for.
The Scars Remain
Reminds of pain
The Scars Remain.
When I see you I see scars that are matching
When I see you I see scars that are matching
I know what I'm feeling, you are feeling
Scars remaining through
When I see you I see scars that are matching.
My feet will sink
In this quicksand around me
Unless something or someone comes to save me
This hurts, this leaves
A lasting laceration
I can't believe that this is what my faith was for.
The Scars Remain
Reminds of pain
The Scars Remain.
We arrived at Roxas and Axel's house. Kairi put her car in park and pulled the keys out of the ignition. We walked up to Roxas' house. It was a very nice house. It looked about like any other suburban home. I rang the doorbell and was greeted by a tall man with flaming red hair that was pulled back in a ponytail.
"Hey Reno," I said. Reno was Roxas and Axel's half-brother. They had the same father, but Reno had a different mom. She died before Roxas and Axel were born. "Are Roxas and Axel home? We were supposed to hang out today."
"Hey Xion, hey Kairi," he said. Reno was cool. He looked just like Axel. "They're here. Come on it and sit down." I didn't know Reno was going to be here. He lived in Twilight Town. It was a decent distance from here, the Destiny Islands. But I was glad; I liked it when Reno came. "Roxas, your girlfriend and her sister are here! Get your lazy butt down here!" I blushed when he said "girlfriend". Roxas and I hadn't officially started dating. We went out a couple of times, though. And he kissed me on the cheek last time we went out, but that doesn't mean anything. Not like a real kiss.
Axel came down first. He had spikey red hair like Reno's and green eyes. He was about as tall as Reno even though Reno was way older than him. Roxas followed him down. Roxas had deep, blue eyes like the ocean. His hair was a spikey, dirty blond mess. I honestly didn't know how they got their hair to do that. Sora's was the same way, only chocolate brown. "Hey guys," Roxas said. "You ready to go?"
"Yeah, Namine and Sora are meeting us at the beach," I said. Kairi really liked Sora. She confided in me that she wanted to ask him out, but made me promise to never tell another living soul.
"Awesome! Let's get going," Roxas said. "See ya later, Reno."
"Bye guys," he said.
"You sure you don't want to come with us, bro?" Axel asked.
"Nah, I burn way too easy. You guys have fun," Reno replied.
We all piled in to Kairi's car. We talked and laughed the whole way to the part of the beach we were meeting Sora and Namine at. Roxas turned up the music without Kairi's permission and almost blew her speakers out. He had put in his Metallica CD, Ride the Lightning. Kairi turned it down a little so we wouldn't go deaf. We all liked similar kinds of music and the one band we could all agree on was Metallica. We had planned to go see them later this summer when they came to the Radiant Garden Expo Center. We had the tickets ordered ahead of time. We would be very close to the stage, close enough to see the sweat on Lars Ulrich's face. We were all so excited.
We arrived at the beach a few minutes later. Sora and Namine both brought all the blankets, chairs, and snacks. They understood that Kairi and I couldn't risk staying at the house to pack anything to bring. Both of their cars were crammed with stuff. I helped unload everything and get it all set up. After that I took off my shirt and shorts so I was wearing my black and purple bikini and I walked down to the water. Everyone else changed into their swimsuits as well. The sun felt so good. I knew I'd regret it later though because I burn very easily. Cid liked it when I was burned. It made it hurt worse when he beat me and violated me.
I was snapped out of my deep thought about Cid when Kairi splashed me. I squealed because the water felt cold on my hot skin at first. "Kairi," I said in surprise.
She giggled with amusement. "What, I was just trying to get you used to the water."
"I'll show you," I said, barely able to control my laughter. I ran up to her and tackled her back into the water. I wished I hadn't because salty water shot up my nose and down my throat! I gagged at the bitter taste. Kairi didn't get any water in her nose. She laughed even harder at me.
"What were you saying, Xion?" she said. "Were you trying to teach me a lesson?" Now she was just asking for it. I nodded to Sora, who was standing behind her, and we both bombarded her with splashes of water. I was having the time of my life! I couldn't remember when Kairi and I had had so much fun!
Sora eventually turned on me. He pulled out two small water guns that he had hidden and opened fire. I ran toward the beach as fast as I could to grab the even bigger water gun that was in Namine's trunk. This one was one of those that had the little compartment in it that you could stick a long piece of ice in it and make the water freezing cold. "Oh crap," Sora said when he saw me coming with the water gun. He turned around to try and run away, but I was faster than him. I pumped the water gun and unleashed my fury from his betrayal. The cold water made him squeal like a little girl.
"Hey, Xion," Roxas said. He seemed a little nervous about something, "will you take a walk with me? I need to ask you something important."
"Of course, Roxas," I said, brushing a lock of my midnight-colored hair from my face. He stared at me with his cerulean eyes.
"Thanks," he said. I was anxious to hear what he had to say. We walked in silence until we were far away from everyone else. "Xion, we need to talk…about us."
A feeling of dread crept into my heart. What did he mean by that? Was he breaking up with me before we even started dating? "What about us, Roxas?" I stuttered, fear inhibiting my speech.
"I've wanted to say this for a while, Xion, but I've been too nervous. I'm just going to say it. I love you, Xion. I have for a long time, but I've been too scared to tell you because I was afraid you wouldn't feel the same way as I did," he managed to say in one breath. I stared at him in disbelief.
"Roxas…I don't know what to say! I'm so happy! I love you too!" I said. "But are you sure you want to get involved with me? I mean…you know that Cid abuses me." Kairi and I never told anyone else that he would constantly rape us. It was just too much to talk about. And would he still love me if he found out?
"I don't care about Cid, I care about you," he said. "Cid can go and die for all I care."
"You don't know how many times every day I wish he was dead," I said. And there were certain parts about him that made me wish I was dead!
"Well, he's an old man. How much longer can he live?" Roxas asked rhetorically. He chuckled a little and I smiled. He stared into my eyes for a while and smiled even more. He stepped closer to me until I was backed up against the cliffside we were walking along. He planted a passionate kiss on my lips. I returned it with equal passion. I twisted my fingers through his blond mess of hair as his hands became lost in my oil-black hair. I felt his hands descend down my body slowly. He was memorizing every curve. Every nerve ending that his fingers made contact with felt like live wires. His hands stopped at my bikini bottom and he started to pull it down.
"Roxas…please stop," I said. "Let's wait a while. I don't think I'm ready for this yet. I love you, but it's just too soon." I was telling the truth for once in my life. I wasn't ready to have sex yet. All the sex I'd had before was unwanted and forced upon. All I'd ever known was being raped…all I'd ever known was the physical and emotional pain of being violated in the worst way anyone can be. But there was another reason I didn't tell him. He knew I hadn't had many boyfriends before, and they weren't even anything serious. I was afraid he would find out I was raped when he saw I wasn't a virgin anymore. I could see in his eyes that he suspected Cid did more than beat us, but I'd never revealed it to him. I was too ashamed.
"But, Xion," he said. He complied though. "Ok, if that's what you want, I won't force myself on you. I love you too much to ever hurt you." His fingers gently traced one of the shallower scars on my waist. Roxas never saw my scars as something that made me unattractive. He still loved me even though I was damaged.
"Thank you, Roxas," I said as I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face into his chest. "I love you." After our little moment, we walked back to the beach with everyone. Sora teased us about disappearing for so long and Roxas threw a decent-sized seashell at his head. The shell hit him square between the eyes. He fell backwards; acting like Roxas had killed him. Kairi ran to his side, held him in her arms, and faked crying. She got a little theatrical with it like someone who was doing a very bad version of the suicide scene in Romeo and Juliet. We all laughed so hard, we couldn't breathe. I loved this little escape. Still, I knew that it had to end eventually and I'd have to leave Heaven and go back to my own, personal Hell.
The sun had almost set and we packed everything back into Sora and Namine's cars. Namine took Roxas and Axel back home because she was going that way anyway to go home. Kairi and I got into her car. She started the ignition and put it in drive. "You ready to go back, Kai," I asked.
"I'm never ready to go home. I hate it there, but what can we do about it?" she mused.
"Nothing, that's what we can do about it. Absolutely nothing," I said sourly.
"I guess it will be like this until we're finally able to move out," she said. We planned to get a small apartment in Twilight Town together after we graduated this year. We would have to sneak out when Cid was asleep because he would probably kill us if we ever tried to leave. An evil side of me wished he would die before then.
"Yeah, I guess it will be," I said, despair providing a thick coating for my voice.
We arrived home and Kairi parked her car in the driveway. Cid's truck was home and the lights were on in the house. We sat there in the darkness of the night. It was the last sanctuary we would have that night. We knew all too well what would happen the moment we stepped through that door.
Kairi got out first and I followed soon after. We walked up to our crappy little dump that we called home and I opened the door. Cid was sitting in his chair watching TV with a half-empty bottle of cheap whiskey in his hand. "Great," I thought. He was always worse when he was drinking. Mean drunk isn't the phrase to describe him. But there are many, more colorful words that could!
He didn't seem to notice us at first. We tried to sneak to our rooms. I hoped he had drunk himself to death or something. We almost made it to the hallway when we heard his thick, southern drawl behind us. "You girls didn' think ya'll were a'gonna get away with not havin' a little 'family time' did ya?"
"Kairi, run and lock yourself in your room, now!" I yelled at my twin.
"But Xion," she pleaded.
"Just go! I'll handle him tonight," I said. I was willing to sacrifice myself to save Kairi from the horrible things he was going to do to her. She turned around and ran for her room. She locked the door and probably barricaded it with a chair or her dresser. Cid slowly staggered toward me. "Just get it over with, old man," I said bitterly. The pure hate I felt for the worthless thing standing in front of me was thick in my voice.
"What's the matter, little whore?" he said. "Not in the mood tonight?" he managed to slur through his intoxication. He tackled me and grabbed me by my hair. He dragged me to his bedroom and locked the door. It was always the same routine. He repeatedly punched me in the face until one of my lips bled. When I was weakened, he stripped me naked. Cid grabbed a piece of glass from where some kids broke his window last week. He made long, deep cuts across my body with the makeshift knife. I looked down at my exposed, vulnerable body to see it was pouring blood the color of mine and Kairi's hair. Well, my natural hair color anyway.
I groaned in pain from the wounds he had inflicted. It turned him on even more! I closed my eyes because I knew what was coming next. "Cid…please…stop!" I begged. Begging never did any good at all. But I didn't know what else to do. I cringed as I felt him desecrate the most sacred place of my body. He was rough. It hurt so much!
"Shut up, you whiny little slut!" he said hatefully as he destroyed my spirit and broke my heart. I couldn't stop thinking about Roxas. He wouldn't do this to me. He wouldn't hurt me. He would be gentle and loving. He wouldn't do anything I didn't want him to. "Tell me this is the best you ever had! Say it now!" he yelled at the top of his lungs. I know Kairi heard it through the thin walls.
"It's the best I've ever had," I whimpered through my heavy sobbing. I knew that it would be over with quicker if I just did as he said and didn't resist. Cid had broken my spirit years ago. I can't even remember the first time he raped me. I think it was our first night here. My face was stained with tears.
"That's a good little whore," he said mockingly. I hated it when he called me a whore. I wasn't a whore! I could never decide what hurt worse: the rape, the beatings, or his cruel, heart-breaking words. I could hear Kairi in her room screaming and crying out to God. She was begging him to protect me. I didn't see what good it was doing, but then again, that could have been the reason Cid never killed me for all I knew. Cid heard her too, apparently.
"What's Sister Christian doin' in there?" he said. "Hey, shut up!" he yelled. It only made Kairi cry harder. I loved and respected Kairi so much. She held firm to her convictions and she never backed down. She wasn't perfect, but she never claimed to be perfect. She just tried her hardest to live the way she felt was right in her heart.
I thought I was going to pass out from the pain, humiliation, and loss of blood. Cid saw he had pretty much used up all the fun he was going to get from me. He pulled away from me and coldly tossed my bikini to me. He almost tripped over my shorts and I thought he was going to fall. The way he would have fallen, he would have hit his head on the nightstand. "Get out before I decide I'm not done with ya," he said coldly. He didn't have to tell me twice. I got up and got out of there.
I knocked on Kairi's door. "Kai, it's me," I said. "Can you let me in?" I asked. She opened her door. "Can I stay in here with you tonight?" Tears were streaming from my eyes. Her eyes were puffy and red from crying.
"Of course, Xion," she said. She saw the fresh cuts all over my broken body and fished the first aid kit from under her bed. We had both gotten used to treating each other's wounds. If we didn't, we would probably die of infections. The stuff he used to cut us wasn't exactly clean. "Xion, I'm sorry," she said apologetically.
"What do you have to be sorry about, Kai?" I asked.
"You had to go through all that and I didn't," she said. "I should have never run away."
"But then he would have raped both of us, sis," I said. "I'm willing to go through anything if it means keeping you safe." I said.
"Thank you, Xion," she said. "I love you, sis."
"I love you too, Kairi," I said. When she was finished bandaging me up, I scooted closer to her and wrapped my arms around her. I loved my twin sister more than anything. She was literally my other half. She was the only real family I had left. We knew everything about each other. Sometimes, I even believed we could know what the other was thinking. We were so alike; both mentally and physically. Actually, if I hadn't dyed my hair black, no one would be able to tell us apart.
Kairi's bed was big enough that we could both sleep on it comfortably. I drifted off into a deep and dreamless sleep.
So guys, what do you think? Chapter two is in the works. It's going to take a closer look into their past. This story is going to take place during the whole summer. I'm actually going to write the Metallica concert in a much later chapter. I may even continue through their senior year. Until next time...