Raising an eyebrow, I looked up from my breakfast, mouth filled to bursting with Cornflakes, to see some brown-haired chick staring at me with dream-glazed blue-green eyes. Swallowing the cereal in my mouth, I cleared my throat and said, "Uh, can I help you?"

"No, you're doing fine as you are," she replied airily, giving another fluttery sigh.

Bitch was making me feel really fucking uncomfortable. "Is there any reason why you're staring at me?" I asked, regretting prying further when she just sighed again and batted her eyelashes. "It's really kinda freaking me out."

"I can't help it." Great. One of those. "I just… feel the need to completely ignore the fact that I'm a lesbian and stare at you, wanting you all over and in me, claiming me as yours, taking me multiple times a night. Even though I, you know, don't like cock."

I choked on my spoon and flushed so very, very red. "W-Well, overlooking the fact that I do like cock, there's really no logical explanation for—"

"You're just so hot, so desirable, so… attractive. Am I," here she leaned over the table a smidge, giving me a very unwelcome view down her shirt, "attractive to you?"

"Look, bitch—"


"—Henrietta, I don't know if you've heard a damn word I've said, but I'm gay. As in, I don't like chicks. As in, I like boys. As in, I'd rather suck on a dick than eat you out any day, so go the fuck away." Nostrils flaring, I huffed and proceeded to hold my spoon in a death grip. "There are only three things that interest me: Mello, technology, and food. If you haven't noticed, you're not one of those three things, so kindly gee-tee-eff-oh before I kick your sorry ass so hard your grandchildren will feel it."

She pouted, shifting her knee beneath the table. "C'mon, don't be that way," she whined, just as her probing kneecap found purchase somewhere it shouldn't have and I stiffened.

. . .

When I came storming into my and Mello's room after breakfast, he just looked at me knowingly and returned to his book. "Another one?" he asked, obviously already knowing the answer to the question. "What was it this time?"

"Bad touch in the no-no zone."

He cocked an eyebrow. "Hand on dick?"

I shook my head. "Knee rubbing dick."

He made a noise of understanding, turning the page and saying, "What'd she get for it?"

"Half-eaten bowl of cereal dumped on her head. Plus I tripped her while she was running away crying," I replied, kicking off my jeans and snuggling next to Mello on the bed, him moving a hand from his book to pet my head while I purred contently. "It's like all the girls just turn it up to eleven once I try to tell them that I'm gay. God, females are so stupid."

I didn't notice he'd put his book down until I felt him wrap both arms around me and pull me closer to him, burying his nose into the top of my head. "Yeah, girls are fucking dumbasses. Isn't that why you're gay in the first place?"

Smiling, I dug my face into his chest and snaked my arms around his back, responding, "It's part of the reason. But not the main one."

Author's Note: Boy howdy, I do believe I just made a mockery of my own character. D:


Enjoy the parody, ladies and… ladies. (Don't lie. We're all girls on the internet.)

Once again, felt the need to make fun of the traditional female OC that comes in guns a-blazin', captures the heart of Matt/Mello/Near/L/Light/insert male character here, and proceeds to have sexxi tiems with them for no fucking reason at all.

And yay Matt for sticking to his guns. :D