I was completely and mentally insane when I wrote this from lack of sleep. If nothing makes sense, good it's not really supposed to. Have fun, you have been warned
By the way, I wrote this when my username was Samantha Eleanor Lestrange which is why it doesn't say Nellie Potter or whatever username I have now when you read this.
It was typical normal day, or at least, as normal as it can get for a death-eater. Just not for Voldemort. He had just finished torturing and killing some kid named Daniel Radcliffe when a square box with a screen on a desk had caught his eye.
Curiosity got the best of the Dark Lord and he went to the mysterious device. He grabbed the mouse and clicked it, entirely unaware of what he was doing. Then, the black screen changed to a blue screen with a small picture in the middle of it and a bar below it asking for a password.
Desperate to access the secrets of the box, Voldemort thought of what the password might be. After a few minutes, he typed in 'Gryffindor' knowing that this Daniel Radcliffe was the type of person to have a password like that. However, it didn't work. Voldemort tried again instead typing, 'Order of the Phoenix'. This did nothing as well.
After a few more moments, Voldemort finally decided on typing in 'The Dark Lord is Totally Awesome'. It worked.
"Huzzah!" exclaimed Voldemort. "I have conquered the password box of evil!"
But overcoming the password box of evil did not satisfy him enough. Voldemort clicked on the button that said "internet explorer". He was immediately brought to a page that said www. Fanfiction. net . At the top there were options like "movie", "books", and "TV shows". He chose movies first. To his great surprise, up came a number of movie titles. Of course, having no idea what a movie is, he chose a random one. He chose Sweeney Todd.
An hour later, Voldemort had read a bunch of poems and one-shots (as he learned what they were called) about this so called Sweeney Todd movie. Then, he thought it was time to move on to another movie: Alice in Wonderland, 2010. He only spent a half hour in this section.
It occurred to him that he should share this amazing discovery with his followers. He summoned them, and of course, Bellatrix Lestrange was the first to appear.
"My Lord, and to what do I owe the pleasure to be summoned before someone as evil and super hot, as yourself." She gave an over exaggerated bow, hearts in her eyes, ignoring the pain that the Dark Mark caused her. She glanced down and saw the dead body of Daniel Radcliffe. "Hey, isn't he the guy who plays Harry Potter in those muggle movies?"
Voldemort responded, "Yeah, I can't seem to ever be able to kill the real one, so I just went for second best." Even though he's not suppose to know what a movie is, or that there's a real Harry Potter, and a fake one that he just murdered. "Anyways, I called you and the other Death-Eaters because I have just made an amazing discovery!"
The very next second, Lucius Malfoy appeared with glittering pink hair extensions. "You called for me oh-awesome-one."
Voldemort tried to suppress a laugh, but Bellatrix didn't care. "Lucius…care to…explain?" she said in between cackles of delight. It took Lucius awhile to realize what she was talking about, and when he did, he blushed the same shade of pink of his extensions.
"I heard Hannah Montana was going to do something like it and I wanted it first since she so stole my original hairstyle." The older Malfoy flipped his hair and let out an exasperated sigh.
Several other Death-Eaters appeared over a period of ten minutes and all gathered around the computer on Voldemort's command. He had clicked on the "Book" section.
Despite all the shouts of Death-Eaters calling out for what they want to read, Voldemort kept scrolling down until something caught his eye. The one that read Harry Potter. Everyone agreed that this was the option to choose (except for Lucius who wanted to see what PS, I love you was all about).
There were thousands of stories to choose from! Over 500,000 to be exact! At the thought of having to read so much, all the Death-Eaters left except for Lucius, Draco, and Bellatrix. Voldemort clicked on one that had Hermione G. and Draco M. as the characters. After the first few chapters, Draco couldn't read it anymore.
"Why in the Wizarding World would people think I would go out with someone like Hermione Granger?" he shouted angrily.
"But Draco," the older Malfoy said in a soothing tone, "You do go out with her, remember?"
"Oh yeah!" Draco exclaimed, recalling his present girlfriend. "Beaver dam, how am I supposed to explain this to Astoria?"
They all agreed to move onto a different story. Bellatrix decided to choose one this time. Of course it had to be the one where she and I are madly in love and have kids together! thought Voldemort. Really? We adopt a kid, and it's Potter? Just then, a small child around five and who looks a lot like a young Harry Potter walks up to Voldemort and laughs happily, "Daddy!"
"Ah!" screamed Voldemort, "Avada Kedavra!" and the five year old Harry Potter dropped dead.
"Oh sexy one! You did it! You just killed Harry Potter!" Bellatrix cried out in joy, hoping that this would be the moment that Voldemort finally noticed her and would take her to Dairy Queen like she always dreamed he would and get her the new mini Blizzard.
"Huh, I guess I did. Ah well, back to the Fan Fictions!" Voldemort made a gesture, like he was brandishing a sword heroically, and turned back to the computer.
It didn't take them long to find one by an author who called herself, Samantha Eleanor Lestrange.
"Ooh Bella, I didn't know you had a daughter?" Lucius squealed while they read chapter one of: Stepping Stones. "And you're married to Tom Riddle!"
Voldemort's eyes got wide. He married Bellatrix when he was Tom? No!
"I don't! At least I don't think I do. Do I?" Bellatrix questioned herself, trying to remember if she had a kid or not. Finally she came up with the conclusion that she didn't, and if she did, that kid would probably have died from neglect by now. "You know what, I think we should find this Samantha Eleanor Lestrange and make sure she gets her facts straight."
"Wonderful idea Bellatrix!" Voldemort said in a kind of girly, almost gay way, jumping from the chair he was sitting in. Lucius put down the cup of coffee that he had made himself using the stuff in the dead guy's kitchen.
"Wait, wait, wait, we don't even know where this girl lives." He pointed out. This came as a big disappointment to the other three. Then, Draco thought of an idea.
"Why don't we just click on her profile like this." he took a vacuum cleaner, used it to knock Voldemort out of the way and set to work on the computer. "And then click the button that says email." He clicked on the button that the author stupidly allowed for people to access. Forty minutes later, after doing what seemed like years of research on how to find someone's location with just their email on, they found Samantha's location.
They apparated to somewhere in the United States of America, right behind Samantha, who was working on her Stepping Stones story while watching episodes of Charlie Teh Unicron: episode two.
"Ahem." Voldemort gave a high pitched cough that he learned how to do just like Umbridge after watching a Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix movie trailer thirty times, which he managed to have time for even though if you look back in this story, there is no possible way he could've done that.
Samantha turned around, frustrated that she had to stop typing the finale of her story. A look of delight came across her face when she saw who had disturbed her creative process. "OMG it's you guys, it's really you!" she exclaimed in a really girly tone as she got up and did a little happy dance, proof that she was currently on a sugar high.
"Listen girly, we just came here to set things straight. Since when did I have a kid?" Bellatrix asked menacingly, pulling her wand out.
"Uh, never, that's kind of the point of fan fiction; people make stuff up for their own stories." Samantha explained to the witch in a "duh" tone of voice. Bellatrix wouldn't hear of it.
"You correct your story now, or I will use Rictresempra the daylights out of you."
"You do know that that's the Tickling Charm right?" Draco whispered to his aunt.
"Yeah, but she doesn't know that." Bellatrix whispered right back.
"Hope you guys know that you're only about two feet away from me, and are really bad whisperers." Sam jumped into the conversation. "And I'm aware of what spell is which."
It was Voldemort's turn for the threatening, "Just change the story beaver dam it! Or I'll make that 50 pound tub of ice cream of yours disappear…for a week!"
"No! I've put so much work and effort into the story! I tell you what, how's about I write the finale and kill off Piper, make you two madly in love and get married," she pointed to Voldemort and Bellatrix, then turned to Draco, "kill off Astoria so you don't have to explain to her the whole Hermione thing," Sam turned to Lucius, "and make sure that you become the most popular superstar evah."
"More popular than Hannah Montana?" Lucius asked, excitement glowing in his eyes.
"More popular than Lady Gaga." Sam reassured him. He let out a small squeak of joy.
Voldemort spoke, "So I guess that wraps up everything. Bella no longer has a kid and gets married to the awesomest Dark Lord ever, Draco gets to be with Hermione and go to a funeral, and Lucius gets to be more popular than Lady Gaga. Guys, I think we should all go home."
Everyone waved goodbye like people do in a sappy Disney movie, and the Death-Eaters apparated out. Samantha was left home alone again, smiling evilly to herself, "Suckers."