Title: When Spring Rain turns to Summer Sky
Rating: M (change in rating)
Pairing: Tsukishima Shizuo x Hachimenroppi Izaya (DVD cover art characters. My profile has pictures of them)
Prompt from the Drrr Kink Meme: younger seme X older uke. Since Tsuki!Shizuo came out later (DVD 13), I'd like him to be younger and shorter than Roppi!Izaya, but still be the seme. XD Anon would like the story to revolve around the pains of pursuing somebody who's older and wiser (Roppi!Izaya).
Disclaimer: I own none of these characters!
THIS STORY CONTAINS MALExMALE RELATIONSHIPS. You have been warned.
Tsuki held the older man in his arms and rocked back and forth, saying sweet nothings into his ears, trying to calm the man down. Roppi cried hard, pouring his heart out until there were no more tears to shed.
Hours passed. Roppi finally stopped crying and hiccuping as Tsuki brushed the strands of dark hair on the back of his head. The caress was meant to be soothing. Tsuki didn't look down as Roppi buried his face under his chin...
'I wonder if he's embarrassed...'
If Tsuki was the older male and just cried his heart out to a younger man... yeah he would most likely be embarrassed.
'There's nothing to be ashamed of...' Tsuki wanted to say. He had so many questions he wanted to ask too, but decided to keep his mouth shut. Leaning against the door inside Roppi's room which he had closed earlier on right after Roppi's attack so that they wouldn't be bothered, Tsuki waited.
Finally Roppi spoke.
Tsuki blinked, being caught off guard. "Sorry, can you repeat that? I... wasn't paying attention." Tsuki apologized. Though in truth, part of it was because Roppi spoke with a small ragged voice.
The pale man spoke softly as he lay his head to rest on the blond's chest.
"I had... someone I loved. A long time ago," he said as he began his tale. "At first I didn't love him. But he loved me fiercely and I couldn't refuse. He taught me that I was arrogant, that because I was so good at everything, I became a coward who didn't want to truly show how weak I can be. It... opened my eyes when he called me out on my insecurities. He knew that I worked hard to be a perfectionist because I felt that it was all I had."
'… the stalker.' Tsuki thought. The lover who had turned into a stalker... but from the way Roppi explained, it didn't look like it was as bad as Delic had explained it to him.
"I grew to listen to his criticisms. I started to let go when things were imperfect. I believe... I was happy with him. He loved me despite my faults. I had thought that before, no one would love me if they truly knew who I was. But with him, it was different. I felt... free. That he truly loved me for who I am."
Roppi let out a defeated sigh. "But that was where I was wrong. You see, he was the sort of guy who criticized everything. It wasn't that he was seeing the true me, but was finding criticism in everything and everyone around him. He started to criticize the main family, how it was unfair that they had so much power over the branch family. He viewed that the main family kept to themselves more even at the festivals, that there was bias and discrimination.
"And I agreed with him at the time. When in truth, it's to be expected. The families meet only during the festivals. Most people are too shy to mingle with people they only meet once a year. But at the time, I believed he was right, that the main family was discriminating. And I sided with him."
"I thought... that our love would be... would be... like an example to others... like a bridge between the main family and the branch..."
Roppi let out a shuddering sigh, as if it pained him to finally say them.
"You don't have to tell me... Roppi-san." Tsuki said, holding those trembling shoulders.
"No. I need to tell you." Roppi looked up. His eyes seemed very sad. "Because I want you to know, what I'm like.
"I... am not perfect. I've made some terrible mistakes, mistakes that I can't go back and fix. Mistakes that I can't forgive myself to ever forget. Mistakes that I can't erase."
Roppi turned his head to stare at the burned wall and the blue painting that Tsuki had tried to cover up with. Somehow... Tsuki understood where Roppi was getting at, and why he was so angry.
"Let me finish." Roppi cut him off. The blonde closed his mouth when Roppi's penetrating crimson eyes stared at him intensely. He sat up in Tsuki's lap, straddling him as he straightened his back.
"The relationship... wasn't healthy. I realized it too late, but there was no turning back. I felt like I had to be the perfect example. Once again I was falling back to how I was, stubbornly holding on to a mistake thinking I could fix it. I could still make it work instead of letting it go. I told myself that there was no turning back. Now that we had... made it clear that we would be the prime example of how the main family and the branch families should work together, we couldn't break apart. We... just couldn't."
"How... did it end?" Tsuki asked, staring up at those sad dark ruby eyes.
"He... was angry with me. He accused me that.. I didn't love him back anymore. Rather, he was going crazy and blamed that... I was still in the relationship only to set an example. I told him that he was wrong and that I did love him. But he was draining. I was more exhausted when I was with him instead of feeling loved. I felt suffocated."
'It sounds pretty suffocating...' Tsuki agreed silently. But he didn't voice it. What can he say? What can he add? It was hard for him to think of anything right to say in this situation.
"He started... abusing me. Physically that is... he was already abusing me psychologically but... he started to..." Roppi's voice drifted away as his eyes grew distant. Tsuki's own eyes widened as he quickly tried to bring back Roppi, scared that the man would lapse back into his trance.
"B-but I thought he was your stalker? I heard that you two broke up and the main house..."
Roppi snapped out of his trance as he looked back down at Tsuki with eyes filled with regret. "... that was a lie, Tsuki. The main family had to keep it a secret about the truth in case the branch family revolted."
"A lie? But why would they... lie?"
"Because he died. In this very room."
Tsuki felt a shiver run down his spine. As if the large legs of the spider just slid down his back. He looked up at the black looming mark on the ceiling and the long scorched scar that looked like legs.
"He burned himself. In front of me. So that... I'll remember him. He wanted to haunt me in all my waking moments as well as my dreams. So that we'll be together. Forever."
Tsuki stared bewildered, trying to think what he could say, what he could do, to comfort him. But try as he might, he drew blank. There was nothing he could do or say that would make it better. He knew that there was nothing he could do to erase the scars on Roppi's heart. There was nothing he could say that would erase the past.
"Roppi… san…" Tsuki gathered the broken man into his arms and hugged him tightly. Tsuki had never felt so helpless in his life. The depth of despair in his heart was deeper than anything he had ever felt but he also knew that it was nothing compared to the pain Roppi had harbored for so long.
"Let's… first get you to bed." Tsuki decided, picking up the man. He felt light. He always felt light. 'He needs to eat more…' Tsuki thought. He wanted to make something delicious for Roppi. He wanted Roppi to rest without any haunting nightmares. He wanted more than anything for Roppi to smile freely without a hint of shadow that marred his features.
The blond carefully laid the man on his bed and pulled the covers. "Should I… stay with you?" Tsuki asked, caressing Roppi's hands. They were icy cold.
Roppi looked up at him at first with what seemed like hopeful eyes but then they darkened.
"No, best not stay with me… in this room."
"What, because the ghost is here? I'm not afraid." Tsuki normally was scared to death of ghosts. But somehow, Roppi gave him the courage to say those words without a hint of fear. "Let me rephrase the question. May I stay with you… Roppi-san?" The blond looked down with serious eyes too mature for his age. "I want to… stay."
Roppi wavered, hesitating. Then he nodded slowly in agreement. Tsuki went back to close the door. When he came back, he first sat on the bed… then decided to get under the sheets, surprising Roppi as he gathered the man once more into his arms and hugged him.
The older man suddenly felt shy, his heart pounding in his chest too loudly in his ears. He was afraid Tsuki could hear how loud his heart was throbbing right now. "Tsuki…. we shouldn't…"
"Why?" Tsuki said. "I'm just holding you so you can sleep, Roppi-san."
'But… he died here.' Roppi thought. 'He touched me here… tortured me here… forced me to…. open up for him.' He couldn't help but shudder. It was almost as if he could feel his presence here even when he was dead. The long black stretched marks on the walls and ceiling looming above him, its claw-like limbs slowly choking him.
"Tsuki… I… really think… you shouldn't…" Roppi stammered. What was he so afraid of? A dead man's ghost?
"Roppi-san. I love you."
Those simple words froze Roppi's wildly beating heart for a millimeter of a second.
"Tsuki?" Roppi looked up, wondering if he had heard him right.
"I love you, very much Roppi-san." Tsuki turned over, straddling Roppi as he loomed above him. "You said… to come confess to you when I'm taller. Well… I am. So… I want you to know that… I love you."
Roppi looked up at Tsuki with very confused eyes so the blond continued. "I just want you to know, I… I'm not losing to some ghost who died a long time ago." His words sounded braver than how he felt. Inside, Tsuki's heart was racing like a mad horse on the run.
Roppi smiled sadly. "Tsukishima-kun… exactly what do you love about me? You barely know me."
Tsuki nodded, his blond bangs slightly covering his eyes. "Yes… I know. I barely know you. But the moment I met you, I felt… something. I know that whole love at first sight sort of thing is quite unbelievable but… it's true." Tsuki looked back up now, looking into Roppi's eyes deeply. "The more I know about you, the more I… fall for you."
"I love how you have respect for yourself Roppi-san and respect for others. I love how you take responsibility seriously and despite how terrible in shape you are, you try to finish your duties." Tsuki started listing. But Roppi laughed, his laughter hollow. "All I'm good for are duties, Tsukishima-kun. I don't have anything else left—"
Tsuki's hand fell on Roppi's cheek and caressed him. "Let me finish, Roppi-san. There's more." It silenced the raven haired man as he looked up into Tsuki's passionately crimson eyes.
"I love how you care about your family, Roppi-san. And I love how you even care for people who abuse you or hate you. I love that you don't give things up easily. And I love the way you love… always trying hard to make things right."
"Tsuki…" Roppi whispered his name, feeling bitter as he felt that everything Tsuki said he could retaliate with something negative… but still Tsuki wasn't 100% wrong. There was truth to it and that made Roppi's cheeks burn with embarrassment. He hadn't heard someone say how much they loved him for so many years… he felt like a child. He felt his heart slowly melting under each 'I love you.'
Then something hit Roppi. "Tsuki? You said…. It was love at first sight, right?"
Tsuki's cheeks flushed as he slowly nodded. Roppi thought that was interesting… how this boy had no problem directly saying 'I love you' but was shy when it came to other matters.
"Then… normally… wouldn't you be… in love with my looks?" Roppi had realized, Tsuki was avoiding saying any compliments to his physics.
Tsuki's face was flaming red as he pulled up slightly, "I… I… I….." he stammered, not quite knowing what to say.
Roppi tilted his head, observing the suddenly flustered boy. "Am I wrong? Or I'm ugly?"
"No-no! Roppi-san's too beautiful!" Tsuki shouted a bit too loudly before he realized what he said and clamped his mouth with his two hands, his ears burning shamefully now. Roppi regarded the boy straddling his hips thoughtfully.
"Are you a virgin?"
At the direct questions, Tsuki looked up with wide eyes like a doe caught with bright lights shining directly into her eyes.
"Heh… so you've never kissed?" Roppi smiled, only a corner of his lips turning. "Does it bother you to talk about… my body?" Then the teasing smile disappeared. "Or… is my body too dirty?"
"N-no, no, no-no-nonono! No! Roppi-san is never dirty!" Tsuki waved the two hands in front of him like a child too embarrassed to face pornography for the first time. "R-Roppi-san's too beautiful! I… I can't even… I didn't even… think of…. k-k-kissing… you…" Tsuki was so flustered, he didn't even know what he was saying. 'Oh gawd what am I saying…' Tsuki wanted to go crawl into a hole and die.
"You really… never thought of kissing me?" Roppi couldn't help but ask. This child was too… innocent. Almost too pure… "What did you think lovers did when they were together? Did you really expect to tell me you love me… and do nothing about it?"
Tsuki looked too drained from hyperventilating as he tried his best to explain himself. "No-no, t-that's not it! I… I just… I just wanted you to know… I love you. You don't have to love me back or do anything! I just wanted… I just wanted you to know and…"
"And? And what if… I said I loved you back. What then?" Roppi sat up to look at Tsuki. Tsuki swallowed hard, his eyes looking everywhere but at Roppi.
"I… I didn't even think that far! I… never thought… you… I mean, you don't right? I'm just… kinda dumb, stupid, clumsy… no good for anything…"
"Tsuki… look at me when you're talking. Unless you think I'm too dirty."
"Y-you aren't!" Tsuki quickly went back to looking at Roppi. It was embarrassing to face him… but he didn't want Roppi to ever think he was too 'dirty.'
"Good. Now then." Roppi grabbed Tsuki's wrist and placed the blond's hand on his own chest. Tsuki could feel Roppi's heart pounding beneath his touch.
"I can't… say I love you back, not yet." Roppi hesitated. He wasn't like Tsuki who could boldly confess so easily. "But… I want to try." Then Roppi left Tsuki's hand on his chest, the blond too scared and stiff to pull away… as the raven moved to start unbuttoning his own black shirt. Tsuki's eyes widened even more and his heart beat even more wildly as Roppi pulled off the shirt, sliding it above his head with Tsuki's arm still stiff and frozen in place. Now Tsuki's hand was touching Roppi's bare chest. Tsuki could hear Roppi's heart loud and clear, beating just as fast as his even though Roppi's expression was calm.
'Roppi-san… said… he wants to love me back…' Tsuki's brain didn't know what to do with that information. He hadn't even dared to think, nor imagine… that Roppi could love him back. He had just wanted Roppi to know that he loved him. He was planning to be satisfied with that.
But here he was, in Roppi's bed… with Roppi taking off his shirt…. And now his fingers were…
… unbuckling his pants!
Tsuki shouted some animalistic noise as his nose burst with blood. He practically fainted dead away from seeing the sight of Roppi's boxers… which was red with black rims.
"Tsuki? Tsuki?" Roppi stopped as he quickly leaned over to the nosebleeding blond. "Are you alright?"
"Y-yes…. I… I'm so sorry, Roppi-san…" Tsuki's head was spinning wildly with the image of Roppi taking off his clothes, more blood spurting out of his nose from the sight.
Roppi laughed half in disbelief. "Here, tissue." Roppi handed him some from on top of his bedside table which Tsuki took gratefully as he stuffed up his shame.
"I must admit, I have never had someone bleed on me while I stripped." Roppi sighed though there was a small smile mixed with it.
"I… I'm so sorry Roppi-san…." Tsuki looked very ashamed so the raven decided not to push him any further. However… he still wasn't planning to let the boy go that easily.
"Tsuki… you really do love me, don't you?"
"I… I do!" Tsuki looked up with a bit too-eager eyes.
"Then… don't look away." Roppi fingered his button on his pants before he unbuttoned it slowly.
Tsuki's eyes were again rotating and wavering but he quickly focused. "I… I won't!"
"Then… help me take this off." Roppi reached out to grab Tsuki's hands and placed them on his hips, his fingers playing with the hem of his pants.
Tsuki gulped. His fingers trembling, he unzipped the pants and pulled gently as if he was opening a delicate present.