Author's Notes: Based on this prompt from hetalia_kink: "All the states in Australia fight with one another constantly, and all have their individual sterotypes. I imagine Australia's states are all female and start having a massive argument at a world meeting, until they pretty much brawl it out, Australian style. " Notes explaining things are down the bottom.
North, South, East and West
New South Wales's food lands in Victoria's hair.
They're all doomed.
"Oww! What the hell do you think you're doing, you bogan piece of shit!" she shrieks. "Stay the fuck away from me! You'll get shit on my clothes!"
"Jeez, chill lil' sis. It was an accident. You'd never let such philistines as us get anything on you. You like those fancy foreign European men more, right? You know, with that stick up your ass it's amazing they can even fit–"
"Fuck. You," snaps Victoria. "And I am not your little sister, okay; do not call me that. Just because you've got such a fucking inferiority complex you act like you're some great... and by the way, last time I checked, it was you who was getting most of the foreign attention. Not that I'm surprised. Feeling insecure because you're a piece of shit? Want those big strong men to make you feel better?"
"God, you're a bitch."
Australia wants to do what SA is doing down the table – pray.
"Guys, cut it out already," he pleads with them. "Seriously. This is our family lunch. No pointless family rivalries at the lunch table."
New South Wales looks confused. "But that's what's happened every single time we've ever eaten together, or, well, all been in the same room for more than two minutes."
"You start it," says Victoria.
"Fuck you. You're the arrogant cow who thinks she's so much better than every other fucking state in this country..."
"As opposed to the arrogant dick who thinks he's so much more important than every other fucking state in this country..."
"No, cut it out!" Australia cries. Fuck it, why do they always do this? "I don't care if you two hate each other, we are having a nice, normal family lunch."
"Think that's plan's fucked, Dad," chuckles Queensland, taking a gulp of her beer. "Them's a fucking stupid rivalry, you know? Hate each other for no fucking reason. Ya know, you make me sick, you two, you really do–"
"Shut up, Queeny. No-one wants to hear the wasted, racist slut whining about things that have nothing to do with you."
"You asshole," yells Queensland. Australia gives her a panicked look; please don't tell me she's about to cry again – no, it seemed clear. She's just as pissed off as the rest of them. Australia's looking forward to this so much. "That's the prob'm with ya fuckin' southern states; always acting like you rule the fucking place when – shit, we all put in twice the work you do and whadda we get fer it? Nothin'! Greedy lumps o' shit!"
"Hey, I didn't call you a wasted, racist slut," Victoria defends herself. "I mean, you are, but that's not the point."
"You snobby whore..."
"Hey, hey, calm down!" Australia says again, stepping between them before the two of his girls get into a full-blown catfight (because he'd fucking expect France to materialize out of nowhere just to perv, and maybe fighting off the invading force would reunite his states or some shit, but still, France is a creep and he doesn't want the guy anywhere near his kids). "Vic, NSW, leave your sister alone. I thought you hated each other, for fuck's sake."
"We do, it's just that everyone agrees on what's wrong with her."
"Fuck off!" Queensland yells, slamming her beer against the table. Australia almost sobs when he sees the amount that splashes of the side. Oh the waste of soothing booze. "There ain't nothin' wrong with me! It's just you southern states are so fucking arrogant you can't see what's doin' your country good, your heads are shoved so far up your own asses. God, you two you fuck all of us over, 'n then you go playing the victim card–"
"Yeah, because you're getting your tax money taken to pay for someone else's shit, right? Oh wait, no."
"Again, fuckin' victim card. We all know you hate the fact ya actually have to do shit for the rest of us in this fuckin' country; you only do it 'cause dad forces ya, so don't act like it's some noble gesture."
South Australia scoffs and rolls her eyes. "Eastern states," she says.
Australia makes a sound of distress not unlike Greece's cats.
"...Et tu, South Australia?"
Everyone ignores him. Victoria's entered that stage where she just hates everyone equally (usually, there's a hierarchy to it). "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you through the sounds of pointlessness and backwoodsness."
South Australia glares. "Nice, Vic. Real mature."
"Seriously, though, what is the point of you?" Victoria asks.
"Shut up, Vicky," Australia warns her.
"I mean, really, nothing happens and you weren't a colony to start – why do we bother even having you?" As if she's proving her point, she reaches down and grabs South Australia's water glass. "Shit. Even your water looks fucking medieval."
"Yeah, because you and South-Wales take all the water from the Murray before I can get to it," South Australia defends herself. "If you're going to push me around and leave me to last, the least you could do is not try and turn the consequences of that as something against me."
"Oh, boo-hoo," says Victoria, which Australia thinks might be her response when she doesn't actually have an argument.
He looks around desperately, searching for a way out of this mess. He looks down at his tiny capital territory, who is watching it all unfold with almost the same amount of horror as Australia himself. "...Ya can't do anything about this, can you ACT?"
The ACT looks up disbelieving. "Are you kidding? They hardly even realise I exist."
"That's because you're with me, aren'tcha mate?" New South Wales declares, dragging the smaller man to his feet and earning a surprised 'Gah!'. "C'mon, show 'em who's boss, hey?"
"How?" asks the ACT at the same time Australia howls "No!"
No-one pays attention to either of them.
"Come on, that's not fair!" yells Victoria. "Wasn't he meant to be the medium between us? Of course, the capital city wound up way closer to you and he's pretty much completely in your state, so screw that then. Why was that again, dad?"
All eyes turn to him, and Australia freezes on the spot. "I... Please don't drag me into this, please..."
"Fuck off, lil' sis," says NSW. "I'm just doomed to be the popular one, that's all."
"I AM NOT YOUR LITTLE SIS!" screams Victoria.
Of course she is; they all are except the blokes, but Australia doesn't want to lose any limbs or other appendages of his body this lunch, so he keeps his mouth shut.
"Heh. ACT's in New South Wales, huh?" says Queensland.
"Ew! Queensland, he's like fourteen!" says New South Wales.
ACT turns bright red. "I'M SEVENTEEN. Or just a hundred, depending on how we're counting."
Victoria snorts. "Nice closeness, guys."
"Fuck you," says New South Wales.
"I think this argument is getting repetitive."
"All your arguments are repetitive," says South Australia.
"Okay, seriously, think I wanna say something now," bursts out a new voice – the Northern Territory. Australia doesn't know whether to panic this will make things worse, or consider the man a fellow voice of sanity. NT doesn't hate anyone in particular, does he...? In the end, Australia merely holds his breath in anticipation. "Can I just ask... what is all of your problem? I'm not even a state; don't get half the representation you do in government, and I don't scream my head off every time we see each other. Seriously, guys, calm down."
"Your population is tiny and they live in hovels underground; I don't think the political neglect is that significant," says Victoria.
"Hey!" yells Northern Territory. "My population is just fucking fine thank you; they're hard working and and devoted and find ingenious ways to deal with this country and it's climate!"
"...Yeah, but you're still tiny."
"Well, so's Tassie, but she's a state."
Victoria rolls her eyes. "Her population's way bigger than you."
Tasmania looks wary from where she's sitting. "...Really? Someone is making a comment acknowledging my exist without saying that I'm some kind of deformed mutant incest baby?"
"I would, but it would kind of not help my argument," says Victoria. Then she smirks. "Actually, it'd be great to have you on my side. You know, two heads are better than one – three heads, better. Or four. Or seventeen. How many do you have again?"
"Are you on my side now?" asks New South Wales, hopeful.
"Do we have actual sides in this?" asks Tasmania.
"Sure. ACT's my boy!"
"Eh, shut up; what do fourteen-year-olds know anyway?"
"What is everyone actually fighting about anyway?" Tasmania finally asks.
That stops the room dead. Confusion clearly clouds the kids' faces, as they try to figure it out. "Um..." says New South Wales.
Okay, Australia has a new favourite child.
He takes advantage of this temporary silence to stand on top of the table. "Okay, guys!" He calls his children to attention. "You're all fighting. Well... stop it."
"Why should we?" asks South Australia.
"Um..." Good question. Come on, man, think. What unites your states as Australian, no matter how much they're fighting...?
"Beer!" he declares. "Yes. You all stop fighting and I will go buy you all – I don't know, three months worth of booze! How about that?"
The states all share shrugs and smiles. "Booze never goes unappreciated," says Queensland. "And you all say I'm the drunk."
"We're all drunks, it's just funnier to say it to you because you cry easily," says Victoria. Australia glares at her. "...But that shows how in touch with your emotions and the situation of your land you are, and I really admire you for that, and would really look forward to being able to share a drink with you and discuss how awesome you are later."
Australia grins. He then looks through his wallet, and – shit. He's a country, so he carries a lot of money on him, but still... doesn't have quite enough. Shit.
"Hey, WA," he says to his last kid, who's been sitting at the end of the table and pretty much ignoring them all this time. "Mind lending me a little cash for a bit?"
Western Australia looks taken aback. "Why should I?"
"...Because I'm trying to make your siblings not kill each other?"
"And that's my problem?" WA asks. "You're always doing this, Dad. Taking what I've got and giving it to them. Well screw it! I've got the riches resources in this fucking country; I don't need you. I could be my own fucking country if you let me, you realise?"
"I – I just wanted to borrow some money!" protests Australia. "I'd pay you back and everything!"
"Not the point, Dad! Fuck it, I'm sick of this shit. No, you can't have my money. I'm going to my room."
Western Australia storms out, up the stairs through his room and taking his cash with him. Australia is left without the money to buy federation-saving beer.
That sound? You hear just now?
That's Australia's heart breaking.
Slowly, he sits down and slumps against the table. He breaks into heavy, heaving sobs.
He can hear all his kids laughing behind him.
Oh, of fucking course.
Notes, so this makes sense to non-Australians.
Victorians (or at least the ones I know; as I am Victorian, and it's probably more Melburnians) are sometimes rather arrogant as a state and think we're better than everyone else. Particularly the New South Welsh, who we have had a fierce rivalry with over everything and nothing since forever (largely centering around the old argument over whether Sydney or Melbourne should be capital of Australia; they made a new city just to do the job, Canberra. Which is way closer to Sydney anyway). Melbourne also calls itself the sporting, cultural and fashion capital of Australia. We also consider SA sort of pointless/backwards; in fact, the (at the time) premier of Victoria got into a whole bitchfight with the SA premier after saying that.
New South Wales is probably the media capital; at least, Sydney gets the most attention in the international media. It's also the biggest recipient of foreign tourism, hence what Victoria said at the start. It has the same rivalry with Victoria. It also has a certain distaste for Queensland, dating back to when they were colonies; NSW was the big 'un and Queensland was the little 'un. Now, it's largely because a bit NSW's tax from the GST subsidises Queensland or something.
Queensland is known for it's beaches, sun, themeparks, tropicalness - the place is quite touristy. The rest of the country considers it "bogan" - sort of like Australian white trash or rednecks (for the US), or chavs (for the UK). Not helped by the fact One Nation (former political party, basically the racist party of Australia) started off there. So basically, everyone's insults to her are based around that. Also, despite being the "sunshine state", Queensland is tropical so it rains a lot (and has cyclones). So Queensland the character cries a lot.
Tasmania, thanks to being an island isolated from Australia and having a small population, the mainland spreads inbreeding jokes about them like wildfire.
South Australia is a bit put upon, mostly because NSW and Victoria usually get everything before it gets to them. It wasn't originally a penal colony, and is less active than many other Australian states. This is part of Victoria's attitude towards it, which I mentioned in their section. Also, SA's capital Adelaide is called the "City of Churches", so why the praying.
Northern Territory is not a state, but everyone acts like it is. The biggest issue with it becoming a state is the number of senators that should represent it in the senate; because it has such a small population, people don't want it having the full number, but it does. Of course, it has such a small population because it's mostly desert. Not everyone lives underground, of course, but IDK, I watched this news segment about people building underground homes there once and the idea stuck.
Western Australia is often threatening to secede. Mostly because they have a lot of the resources of the country and feel exploited by the Eastern states, as they contribute more to the economy than the federal government gives them back (TBH, they have a point). They actually had an election on this issue, back in 1933, and the secession wonthroughout the state at 70%, but the Commonwealth wouldn't agree.
ACT people tend to forget exists. It mainly just seems to house Canberra, and is largely taken as a part of NSW by many people.