Author's note: Evil Dead/Army of Darkness belongs to Sam Raimi. Devil May Cry belongs to Capcom. Also since I'm using Ash from EDR their won't be any Army of Darkness references, which means Ash won't call his shotgun a "boomstick". I also won't be using Sam, Ash's half deadite sidekick from the game, either as I really don't like him.
It's never simple is it? First I have to chop up my demon possessed girlfriend with a chainsaw and then rest of my friends. Then I get arrested for it and sent to a nut house, though in hindsight saying I did it because they were possessed by an evil magic book WAS pretty stupid. I thought I had left all that insanity behind in that cabin. I had thought it was all over. But that was before Rienhard the head doc at Sunny Meadows Asylum got his hands on the Necronomicon. He used to unleash an army of deadites. I fought my way through the town before I reached the bastard. When I got to him he was more deadite than human, but even then he was no match for yours truly. In the end he opened a portal to get rid of me but I managed to take him along for the ride.
"Oh my head!" I said as used my new and improved chainsaw hand to help pick myself up.
"That vas ein dirty trick Mr. Villiams! But not enough to finish me!" Yelled the wiener shitzel of a deadite.
"I VILL SVALLOW YOUR SOUL!" the screwhead roared as he charged at me.
"Sorry heard that one before. Now how about you swallow this!" I said as I shot his head clean of.
"That was quite a show." Said a voice that I would come to hate. I turned around to see a white haired yahoo in a red coat with a big sword on his back. I looked around and saw I was in a big room with a desk, a couch, a jukebox in the corner and a lot more big swords on the wall.
"So who are you and why are you in my shop?" The white haired screwhead said as he sat down at the desk and propped his feet on it. Just then a lady walked out of a back room. She was quite the looker. Sure she had mixed matched eyes and a scar across the nose, but then again who was I to talk about scars?
"So what is this place?" I asked looking around the place as I walked closer to the two.
"Hey! I thought I was asking the questions here?" The red clad moron sounded off. Okay this guys tone was really starting to get on my nerves. Before I could say anything in response to the little prick, the lady behind him whacked him upside the melon. She walked over and said that they were demon hunters and people hired them when they had trouble with demons.
"So how does a good looking babe like you get stuck with a screwhead like him?" I asked while looking at her and pointing in the other guys general direction. After hearing her explanation as for how they met and discerning that they weren't dating I decided to lay on the Williams' charm.
"Well then baby how about we ditch the clown and get something to eat?" I said as I dipped her with my good hand then carefully slid my chainsaw hand behind her head and then I gave her what was sure to be the kiss of her life. However I don't think she enjoyed it as much as I did because the next thing I knew I say her fist headed for my face, followed by the floor getting closer before I blacked out. Like I said never simple.
I woke up in a daze. My head felt like a wrestling match was going on inside it. I was on a leather couch, my chainsaw and shotgun were on a table in front of me. I heard someone talking from beind a door. I walked over and pressed my ear against it.
"We need to find out who he is." I heard the lady with the mean right hook say.
"I say we just send him packing." It sounded like the annoying albino guy.
"You said you saw him kill a demon! He could be useful with all the jobs that have been coming in." I heard the lady say. Now I wasn't very interested in making demon killing my career. After all it was just a freak series of incidents that lead me up to this point. Sure no one could deny I was great at it, and it was one of the few things I was good at. But I still wanted to just get back to my life, to my car, and to my job at S-Mart.
"He killed one demon! Even the stupidest guy off the street could manage to kill one if he was packing the kind of heat Cassanova out their was packing!" the red dressed moron spat back. I was really starting to hate this guy.
"Look I'm not saying he isn't a dick and pig but he does seem to be at least somewhat competent." the lady said. Okay now that hurt. It was nothing I never heard before but usually the chick who said it knew me longer than 3 minutes.
"Fine we'll ask him and see what he says." The white haired moron said. I heard them start walking to the the door and I scrambled back to the couch. I just made it as they walked back in. I was sitting on there acting laid back. The walked over and eyed me. They staired until the chick said "So you got a name?". I got up and and said "Names Ash. Ash Williams."
"I'm Lady and this is Dante" she said pointing to the skinny guy. "So how did you get here? I mean one minute I'm coming back from a job, the next minute a one handed whack job and a demon fall from the celling!" said Dante the man formerly known as albino screwhead. So next came story time. I half expected the usual this-guys-a-nut-job-look but since these guys hunted demons for a living they actually took me seriously. It took about 20 minutes to tell what happened at the cabin up to now. Lady looked pretty sympathetic while Dante looked like he was bored out of his skull. Yeah this guy I did not like. Before I could chew him out a thought came to mind. The book! The Necronomicon wasn't here! Reinhard had it with him when we went through the portal but I didn't see it anywhere!
"Where's the book!" I said as I looked around frantically. If that book got into the wrong hands it was gonna be bad! Just then 6 deadites burst into the place. I grabbed my shotgun and blasted 2 then I put on my chainsaw and sliced and diced the other 4. Lady and Dante looked in shock at me.
"Okay he's good." Dante said through gritted teeth. Yeah now it was my turn to annoy him!
"These don't look like any demons I've seen before." Lady said examining the remains.
"They're deadites. Evil Spirits of the dead summoned when someone uses the Necronomicon." I said reloading my shotgun. "If these showed up then that means someone found the book!" I said trying to think about who could have figured out how to use it. I noticed an old suit of armor in the far corner of the room. I walked over and took a look at it. I eyed the gauntlet and took it off. The I noticed some motor parts lying around. I went over grabbed them and walked back over to Lady.
"Hey Lady. Wanna give me a hand?" I said, pun intended. She gave me a confused look but when she noticed all the parts I had she got the message. We got to work and it took about 3 hours to finish. It would have taken less time if Mr. Red Pants didn't keep messing around with the parts. It was almost as good as my real hand only stronger. I picked up a wrench and crushed it to test it out.
"Nice! But I think you might want some new clothes to." Lady said tugging at what was left of my shirt. And she was right. After all I was in a city not a cabin in the woods and it would help if I didn't look like a blood covered maniac. She walked me to the door that led to back room and said there was some old cloths in a trunk. I opened it and took a pair of black jeans and a blue denim shirt. I strapped my shotgun holster back on and walked back into the main room. Lady and Dante were watching a news show on a little TV. Deadites were running rampant in the streets and they were being lead my a guy that looked just like Dante, hell they pass for twins. Only difference was his hair was slicked back. Then I heard Dante whisper something that sounded like "Vergil". It was clear he knew this guy. I didn't understand how he could control the deadites without the book. But if he didn't have it then who did.
"ASHLEY WILLIAMS!" A voiced boomed from all directions. It was the ghost of Prof. Knowby
"Professor! Don't tell me I'm needed to stop all this and save the world?" I said extremely annoyed.
"Yes. The portal Dr. Reinhard created was opened hastily not set properly and as such while the both of you landed here the book was sent elsewhere." The Prof said in a wail.
"Where exactly?" I said nervously.
"A cemetery in the heart of a forest several miles west of here. It is guarded by the demons drawn to its evil aura." Knowby said.
"Wait. If the deadites are summoned when someone uses the Necrnomicon then why are they running around out their and how is Vergil controlling them?" Dante asked. Okay so this guy isn't a total moron.
"When Reinhard became a deadite himself he became the lead deadite, so when he went through the portal his underlings followed. And as for their new leader he is a son of the Dark Knight Sparda the same as you. The deadites recognize him as a greater power and have pledged their loyalty to him." Knowby said.
"So get the book, stop the deadites and this Vergil guy? No weirder than usual." I said making my way to the door. Lady grabbed a big ass missile launcher and Dante grabbed that big sword and a pair of pistols. I grabbed my chainsaw.
"Now sing for The King!" I said. I pulled the rip cord and and she let out a big roar. As soon as I opened the door every deadite in sight turned their attention to us.
"HAIL TO THE KING BABY!" I shouted and it just like that it was on!