Nothing is mine. Seriously.
This felt strangely wrong.
She was having a nice dinner, at a nice restaurant with an equally nice man, and yet Beckett couldn't help feeling like she was doing something very wrong. She'd barely touched her meal and it was obvious that her head wasn't quite in the game, so much so that Josh had just given up engaging her in polite conversation.
The adrenaline from earlier in the afternoon had started to run its course, and the exuberance of being alive had worn out after the first couple of beers at the precinct. She was now truly exhausted, and the hustle and bustle of the restaurant made her feel as if the walls were starting to close in on her. It also didn't help that the occasional breeze that swept in as the doors to the restaurant opened and shut sent chilling shivers down her spine that brought back too many horrible memories of that damned freezer that she didn't quite want to deal with yet.
She looked up at the man sitting across from her and offered him a small apologetic smile. After all, it wasn't his fault she as feeling the way she was. Josh was looking at her with an unreadable expression on his face and she felt guilty for barely even acknowledging his presence over the course of the last hour or so.
"I'm sorry, I just… it's been a long day," she said. She pushed her plate of barely touched food away from her and clasped her hands together, subconsciously trying to warm her hands up. Goddamned freezer.
"I heard bits and pieces of what happened today. Do you want to talk about it?" Josh asked.
And once again they lapsed into an awkward silence. It wasn't as though she hadn't tried to talk about it with him, but every time she tried, it seemed that her words weren't enough to describe the ordeal she'd been put through. What was she supposed to say to him? 'I nearly died today and all I could think of was that it was so tragically beautiful that it was Castle that I was standing next to as I exploded to a million pieces'. Yeah, she didn't think that would go down very well with Josh.
"Do you want to just go home, Kate?"
She never felt more relieved to hear his suggestion. She was so tired, and truth be told she hadn't even wanted to come out for dinner but Josh had made such a fuss about it that she'd relented after a few minutes of gentle coaxing. Now all she wanted to do was to curl up under her blanket with a nice book, read till she fell asleep and hopefully stay asleep for a good 36 hours.
Before she realised it, they were getting out of the cab Josh had hailed down outside the restaurant and then stepping into her apartment building. Josh had his arm around her shoulders and she all but forced herself to ignore the impulse to shrug it off. She knew it wasn't fair to him, but for all intents and purposes, she figured she was allowed to be cranky after nearly dying three times in almost as many days.
They stopped in front of her door and she pulled her keys out of her purse before turning around to face Josh, preparing to tell him it was one of those nights that she needed to spend alone. Her expression must have betrayed her intention because he sighed and reached out to run a hand through his hair.
"You know you can talk to me, right? You don't have to do this alone," he said almost exasperatingly. "I know it was a close call out there today, I don't know how close exactly, but you won't tell me, and no one else seems to want to either, so I don't know what to do here, Kate. I don't know what you want."
Beckett took a deep breath to steady herself. She really didn't want to deal with this right now. "Josh…" she started, but faltered as she noticed he wasn't actually looking at her.
"They said your writer was there. That he pretty much saved your life."
So he did know after all. She was wondering how long it would take for him to bring it up. It wasn't a secret that he wasn't comfortable with Castle's constant presence in her life, so much so that it had been the source of many arguments they had had in the past.
"Yeah, it was … Castle. He took a chance, and … I really can't-" Almost immediately, Beckett felt like she was back in that moment, with barely any time left to live, reliving the panic and terror and the pain of Castle's grip on her hand came rushing back to her. She clenched her eyes shut for a good few seconds, trying to calm down before she dared to open her eyes again.
"I'm fine," she reassured Josh and made a move to unlock her door, only to be stilled by Josh's fingers on her wrist.
"I can't be here for you if you won't let me actually be here, Kate,"
The tone of his voice didn't go unnoticed by the detective. She'd heard it so many times before, just after she managed to force a confession out of a suspect, or when she had to give the victim's families the bad news. His words were laced with what she had come to know as utter defeat.
"I know it's not the best time, or hell, if it's the best thing to do even. But I can't help but feel that lately, this has been more of a chore for you than something … you want. Or look forward to. You have to let me know, Kate. Because if your heart's not in this, in'us', I gotta know. I gotta know if I'm giving Haiti up for something worth fighting for."
And there it was. In that moment, Kate knew their relationship was over. His eyes were pleading with hers to give him the answer he was desperately seeking, but she averted her gaze and squeezed his forearms as she stepped closer to him.
She leaned up for a final kiss, her lips meeting his in a painfully melancholy parting gift and she whispered softly against his mouth.
"You should go to Haiti."