"IF I EVER CATCH YOU TWO IDIOTS STEALING FOOD FOR SNACKS OR GODFORSAKEN INVENTIONS THAT WILL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY AGAIN I'M GOING TO KICK YOU ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE SHITTY ISLANDS YOU CAME FROM." Sanji bellowed.
"AND ANOTHER THING. ALL YOUR CLOTHES. I MEAN ALL OF THEM. BETTER BE IN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER IN THE NEXT FIFTEEN MINUTES OR ELSE WE'LL BE HAVING ROAST SHITTY CAPTAIN AND STEWED LONG NOSE MCNUMBNUTS FOR DINNER. YOU TWO SMELL LIKE A FISH CANNERY AT HIGH NOON IN THE SUMMER. NOW SCRAM." Sanji finished his diatribe off with hard kicks to Luffy and Ussop's asses to give them something to remember him by.
Jesus Christ, Sanji thought. This is ridiculous. Yelling myself hoarse every day just to keep them acting like somewhat civil human beings. Supposed to be a cook and a fighter, not their goddamn mother. He needed a cigarette. Or even better, a joint. Nicotine might not even cut it right now.
He'd been peacefully on his way to the boy's bunk for a new pack of smokes when he caught those two chuckleheads munching away on the tea sandwiches he'd prepared specifically for the girls, while cutting up what looked like half his stock of hot peppers for Ussop's bombs. They weren't wearing gloves while handling the peppers. Good, he thought with a smile of satisfaction. Hope they rub it in their eyes. Or better yet, go to take a piss and end up having to explain to Chopper why their dicks are on fire.
From behind the closed door to the boys bunk, he heard a low groan. Oh HELL no. Was the shitty swordsman taking a NAP when he had told him to not show his face until he had caught them some fish for dinner? Fuck a smoke, Sanji needed a long hot bath with a bottle of wine and that new racy looking romance novel he saw Nami reading the other day. And if anyone wanted to call that a girly way to spend a night, he would mule kick their face in. It was goddamn relaxing and that's that.
Slamming through the door, he immediately started in on the long list of everything that was wrong with the stupid marimo head. Poor hygiene, stupid hair, laziness, drunkenness, not caring about how much work anyone else was doing around here just to keep this place running before he stopped dead, jaw dropping.
Zoro was jerking off. Sitting on the couch, in full view, shirt rucked up, pants unbuttoned with one of his big stupid garbage pail lid sized hands shoved right down the front of them.
"Shut the door." Zoro ground out.
Sanji's jaw snapped shut with a click, whirling around to do just that.
"DAMN RIGHT I'M GOING TO SHUT THIS DOOR. What the hell do you think you're doing jacking it in the middle of the frickin day, on the couch I occasionally sleep on, with the door unlocked? What if Chopper had walked in? Or god forbid, one of the ladies? Do that shit in the bathroom or the shower like a fucking normal person!" Figuring his rant had given the idiot enough time to make himself decent, he whirled back around, only to have his jaw fall open once again.
Zoro was still doing it. Sanji could clearly see the sheen of sweat on his brow, not to mention the view he had of Zoro's hand still going to town on himself under his pants.
"What the fuck are you doing?" Sanji managed, face turning red with both rage and embarrassment. Why hadn't this moron stopped. He definitely knew Sanji was still in the room, he's been yelling at the man for at least a full minute.
What the fuck. Had he just stepped into some pervy alternate universe or was Zoro really that much of a caveman that he thought this was acceptable behavior. Then with some kind of sexual intiution he didn't even know he possessed, he realized what was going on. Zoro was jerking off to his voice. To the sound of him yelling. Hell, he'd probably been doing it while Sanji was yelling at those two buffoons in the hallway and was too far gone now to stop, even with Sanji in the room with him. Jesus, what in the hells fuck was going on. But even as he felt the anger start to well up inside, he felt something else uncurl even faster. Power. He felt powerful. The great pirate hunter Roronoa Zoro, soon to be Greatest Swordsman in the World was rubbing one out to little old Blackleg Sanji's, Pirate B's voice. Before he could stop himself, his mouth was already opening, filled with all the anger he could muster.
"You perverted little shit. Sitting in here, hand down your pants, getting off to me chewing out your captain and crew mate. You really have no shame do you?"
Sanji watched wide eyed as Zoro moaned out loud, letting his head fall back against the couch cushion. He couldn't believe this was happening, he needed to leave, but he couldn't seem to stop talking.
"Why the fuck are you even doing this you gross excuse for a human? You so sexually stunted that a dirty mouth can turn you on that much?"
"You...you sound so fucking sexy when you're angry." Zoro panted out, his hand speeding up. Sanji was now losing track of how many times his jaw had fallen open. There was no way that this was Zoro, that he had any idea of what he was saying.
"You've lost your damn mind and I should kick you through this wall right now." And that was all it took. Sanji watched Zoro's shoulders tense and heard him mutter something that could have been his name as he curled into himself.
Holy shit holy shit holy shit ran through Sanji's mind like a mantra as he stared fixedly at Zoro, who now was sitting bent over as his breathing evened out. Sanji wanted to turn and storm out on this bizarre scene, pinch himself black and blue in hopes that it was just the weirdest dream he'd ever had. But as he tried to leave the room without panicking, he felt his pants shift all too pleasurably against his crotch. Shocked, he glanced down at himself, and the sight it gave him was all the motivation he needed to run out of the room as fast as possible.
Slamming the galley door shut and locking it, he slid to the floor and thanked every god, goddess, local deity and forest spirit he could think of that he hadn't encountered any of the crew on his mad sprint to the kitchen. Cause he was hard. Absolutely rock hard, standing at full salute, ready to go. From watching Zoro masturbate while he berated him. This is so fucked was all he could think, banging his head against the galley door he was leaning up against. How was he ever going to be able to talk to Zoro again? Fuck talking, how was he ever going to be able to be in the same room with him, much less look him in the eye? This was a disaster. He should do everyone a favor, especially himself, and throw himself off the ship. Pulling himself together enough to stand up and stop using the door as a gong, he looked down at his still rearing for action cock.
"Traitor. Calm down already. This is fucked up enough as it is without you adding to it." Maybe he would cook something to calm down, lunch was going to roll around soon. Oh shit, lunch. Zoro would be at lunch, he was going to have to see Zoro again in less then an hour. What if he said something? Made a snide remark? Although Sanji guessed there wasn't much Zoro could say without implicating himself as well. "Oh hey guys, earlier today Sanji walked in on me getting myself off and instead of leaving, decided to give me a verbal helping hand with the job." That didn't sound very positive for either of them but fuck, that bastard had no shame sometimes, he might just do it. And Sanji would melt into the floor and die. That would be it. No All Blue, no seeing Luffy become the Pirate King. He would be dead because a certain stupid, annoyingly good looking swordsman couldn't keep his hands out of his pants or his big mouth shut. Sighing heavily, Sanji decided it was now or never on getting lunch started. Today was really the worst.
The rest of the day flowed by without incident but not without considerable stress, Sanji jumping at every noise and studiously avoiding eye or any other kind of contact with Zoro. If he heard even a hint of heavy boots coming towards him on the deck, he was halfway back into the galley before he saw a hint of green hair. But all the dashing and dodging to avoid Zoro wasn't even the most stressful part. The worst part was that he could barely get his dick to stay soft for any amount of time. Every time he managed to relax, some little detail about that stupid scene would pop into his mind. The way Zoro's throat had looked when he tilted his head back, or the bottom edge of the scar showing from where that stupid ratty shirt and harmaki had been pushed up. And his damn brain was replaying the sounds Zoro had made like it was the shitty soundtrack to his life. Grinding the heels of his hands into his eyes, he decided this was torture of the worst kind. Maybe Zoro had planned this all along, finally found a way to one up him for good and get Sanji out of his face while still infuriating the hell out of him from afar. He didn't want to give that rocks for brains idiot the credit for coming up with a plan so effective but if he had, Sanji was conceding defeat. Zoro had won.
Sighing heavily, he got up to finish cleaning up the dinner dishes. At least this balls out insane day was over. Maybe he could still find that book of Nami's and draw a nice relaxing bath to get drunk and wank off in. Over the running sink he heard the door creak open. Narrowing down the candidates and guessing it was the most frequent late night visitor to his kitchen, he yelled without turning around.
"No way. You already had a late night snack Luffy, you don't need another." He was expecting a whiny reply along the usual lines of "But I'm hunnnnggry! I need meat!" and was all ready to kick the rubber boy's head in when instead he heard the last person in the world he wanted to see ever again.
"I'm not here for a snack."
Before the 'OH SHIT' even had time to run through his mind, Sanji was grabbed and thrown none too gently against the galley wall, legs immobilized by Zoro pressing them down with his hips and his hands firmly held above his head.
"For fucks sake Zoro, ow, what the hell are you doing?" he started in but quickly remembered what Zoro had gasped out earlier about how he sounded when angry. Shutting his mouth, he worked to break Zoro's hold in silence. Until Zoro started talking into his ear that is.
"I saw you before you ran out earlier. You were hard enough to pound nails with. Why'd you leave? Did you think I wouldn't have helped you out? Cause I would have Sanji. I'd have stroked your cock so good you'd be dreaming about my hands on you for weeks. Or I could have used my mouth, suck you off and let you thrust into my face until your cum ran down my throat like water. " Sanji's eyes were so wide he thought they would fall out of his head for sure. Holy shit could Zoro talk dirty. Not to mention he'd punctuated each of these statements with a slow grind of his hips, pressing his length into Sanji's thigh and with so little space between them, he knew Zoro could feel how this was affecting Sanji's no good betraying cock. Cause boy howdy was this affecting it. Between the absolutely filthy things being whispered into his ear, the occasional quick lick or sucking kiss on his neck and the way Zoro's hips were moving into his, Sanji's head was spinning and his moans were outnumbering his breaths. And Zoro wasn't shutting up either.
"I was just as horny after I came as I was before I even started. I started when I heard you get all fussy and mad cussing out the boys in the hall. When you sound like that, it's all I can do to not throw you down and fuck you until that pretty little throat is too worn out to even make noises. But you know what Sanji?"
Not receiving any response, Zoro tried the question again, this time accompanying it with a thrust of his hips."I said, do you know what Sanji?" Sanji made a garbled noise that could have been "What?" but also might just have been some random syllables thrown together in the back of his throat.
"If you had so much as touched me once in that room, I would have been begging like a whore for you to fuck me so hard that I'd feel it in my throat." That combined with one more slow grind of Zoro's hips accompanied by a sharp bite to his collarbone and Sanji was done for. Coming hard in his pants like a virgin who had never been touched. And by the way the body pressed up into him went still, he guessed Zoro had too.
Sanji could barely think. Or breathe actually, with all this heavy man smushing him into the wall. But he knew for sure that even though they were both still fully clothed, that had been one of the raunchiest, sexiest, dirtiest things he had ever been a part of. God, this whole day had been the filthiest day of his life. Because of Zoro of all people. Zoro, who he had assumed was practically asexual, had turned out to be one kinky motherfucker. Before he could open his mouth to try and ask when the hell Zoro discovered hormones, Zoro grabbed him by the back of the neck and kissed him so hard and thoroughly that his brain shut down on him again. And then Zoro was gone.
Sinking to the kitchen floor for the second time that day, Sanji tried to figure out just why the hell his perfectly normal day had turned out like this. But he was too tired, too satisfied and too sticky to even begin that puzzle. He needed a cigarette, and that bath still sounded good too. But he was pretty sure he didn't need to borrow that book from Nami anymore.