Disclaimer: I do not own Glee, that honor goes to Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan, and Brad Falchuk, nor do I own any of the songs featured in this story, that goes to their writers, record companies, and artists.
A/N: This is another Red vs. Blue PSA that I have lovingly ripped off to use in the Glee universe. So, uh, enjoyed.
The red on light of a camera activated, the camera turning on inside of a dark room.
"Why, hello!" the blond boy standing in front of the camera greeted the audience. "I'm Jack Harmon from the McKinley High Glee club."
He was joined by a tiny brunette girl.
"And I'm Rachel Berry from the same glee club," Rachel said, her megawatt smile on her face. "Recently, McKinley suffered a major fire that threatened to burn down an entire city block."
Jack snorted and muttered something under his breath. "Hmm, allegedly."
"So, our director, principal, and the judge," Rachel explained, "thought it would be a valuable service to the community if we made a PSA describing what we learned from the event."
Jack reached into his pocket and pulled out a remote, turning on a variety of cameras. The cameras revealed that the Hologram Room at HarmCo.
"So today," Jack said, "we'll be presenting 'New Directions' Fire Safety Tips'."
Rachel activated the Hologram Room's primer setters.
"You may be asking yourself," she said, "'What is fire'?"
Jack arched an eyebrow at his friend's line of questioning.
"If you're asking that, it's because you're an idiot," she stated bluntly, a primer of the sky appeared. "You're probably also asking things like, 'What am the sky'?" then a picture of a dog with a pancake on its head appeared, "and, "How does eat food?" Even cavemen knew what fire was."
Jack nodded. "And sure, you may know what fire is, but can you tell if something you own is on fire?" he raised his hand. "You should look for the following signs, One: Smoke. Two: Heat. Three: Fire." He turned to Rachel. "Things that are on fire, typically have fire on them. It's a dead giveaway."
"So, what do you do if you're caught in a fire?" Rachel asked. "We've assembled a quick list of tips to remember if you ever find yourself in a raging inferno."
"Step 1. Panic," Jack ordered, the step one primer behind him. He pressed on, his arrogant tone punctuating his advice. "Any modern scientist will tell you that fire requires and oxygen environment to burn. That same scientist will also tell you that the human body expels carbon dioxide with every breath. So screaming and panicking will rob a fire of its vital nutrients, thus putting it out."
Rachel took over for her friend. "This tactic will vary based on the size of the fire. A very small flame will only require a minor amount of panic."
A camera cut to Brittany looking at a fire, the reddish orange flames licking at her face.
"On on a second, Britt!" Rachel said before turning to Jack. "Are you sure it's a good idea to let everyone in the Hologram Room? I mean, you made sure they couldn't get hurt right?"
"C'mon, Rachel," Jack said. "Would I really put any of us in harm's way this close to Nationals?"
"Valid. But, nothing in this room can hurt them, right?"
"Nothing in here is real except for your mind makes it out to be," Jack stated.
"Kind of like the Matrix."
"Yeah, but without all that Eastern philosophy no one really understands. Can we get on with this?"
Rachel tuned back to Brittany. "Let 'er rip, Britt!"
"Let what rip?" Brittany asked, checking the back of her pants.
"I mean, take care of the fire."
The dimwitted former cheerleader stepped closer to the fire.
"I am somewhat concerned they are going to make another Indiana Jones movie," she said in a calm manner.
The fire clearly saw Indian Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and disappeared in a flash.
"A medium size fire will require a moderate amount of panic," said Rachel.
The fire reappeared, bigger than before.
"Did you hear that the swine flu is in Australia now? That can't be good," Brittany rambled, the fire going out in an instant.
"And for a five alarm situation:" Rachel continued, the fire transforming into a raging inferno.
Brittany ran through the flames, screaming, "I just watched a cable news channel! EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE!"
Nothing happened. Brittany continued running around the room, the fire hot at her heels. "Clearly not enough panic," indicated Rachel. "In this case, I would recommend reading some radical political blogs as well. Try doing a search for the phrase 'Mayan Calendar'."
"That stuff usually just pisses me off," Jack added. "But, I agree that major panic is needed in a truly dire situation. In fact, one of the largest fires in American history was at an all-girls private school." Jack activated the primer of girls screaming around a brownstone building before tossing in a picture of Robert Pattinson. "But the flames were extinguished when that dude from Twilight showed up."
Rachel took control of the lecture. "Also, you may have heard that, 'Where there's smoke, there's fire.' But actually, smoke is where fire used to be. It indicates the absence of fire."
"So just remember," Jack advised, "when caught in a fire, head directly for the smoke."
"Climb on the ceiling if you have to," Rachel said rousingly.
"Also, statistics show that 95% of all fire deaths happen in a building, while only 5% happen in a vehicle.
As Rachel and Jack explained this statistic and dueled out the advice, Brittany dashed away from the fire and hopped into a Holo-car, which, as explained by Jack earlier, was real to her.
"So if your home catches fire," Rachel explained, "just head to your garage and get in your car. Wait there for help."
"Hot, hot, hot…" Brittany cried, diving into the car and slamming the door. "Ah, now this is much cooler."
"Statistically, you're far less likely to be injured," Rachel concluded.
Jack reached into his coat, pulling out a flame thrower.
"What are you doing?" Rachel asked out of the corner of her mouth.
"Demonstrating another case for fire safety," Jack said plainly, returning his section of the lecture."But what happens if you can't get up above the fire and into the smoke? Or if you're unable to safely reach your vehicle? You're probably wondering, 'What happens if I catch on fire?' This is a serious situation."
Rachel turned on the dummy simulator. "We've set up these dummies to show when a person catches fire."
And since the room was designed with Jack in mind to vent his aggression, the dummies that formed in the center of the room were three copies of Puck.
"Wait a minute," one of the dummies protested, "I'm real!"
"Shut up, dummy!" Jack exclaimed, pulling the trigger on the flamethrower.
Puck burst into flames, running from the dummies, setting them on fire.
"Fire is bad in high concentrations," informed Rachel, "so you wanna try and dilute it is as quickly as possible." Puck ran past them, setting the background on fire. "Try spreading the flames out by passing them to as many other people as you can."
Puck ran toward the car where Brittany was hiding. She opened the door for her friend, who managed to set the seat of the car on fire.
"Thank you!" Brittany said pleasantly. "Fire safety is about sharing."
Jack turned to the camera again. "Just remember stop, drop, and roll. Stop next to your friends, drop 'em with a swift fire punch, and then roll around on them!"
"This will spread the heat across many sources, quickly dissipating it!"
Jack turned around, seeing that the car had started and was barreling down at them, the entire room exploding into flames.
"Uh, Rachel?" he said. "We may have a situation here."
Rachel joined her friend when she felt the flames nipping at her heels.
"I think you're right, Jack."
"Well, time to practice what we preached, Rachel!" Jack said. "Let's get to panicking.
"On it," Rachel sequeled.
"Hey, hot foot," Jack shouted as the screen went black.
In the music room, Mr. Schuester shut off the television, the lights turning on automatically. Well, automatically because Figgins was standing at the lights.
"I would like to thank Mr. Harmon, Miss Berry, Miss Pierce, and Mr. Puckerman for that amusing demonstration of what not to do in a fire," Figgins said, clapping his hands.
"You're not supposed to do that stuff?" Jack asked Rachel.
"What Mr. Figgins means," Mr. Schuster said, "is that whenever something goes horribly wrong in the school, it's normally a good thing."
"Yes," Figgins said, smiling. "Your impressive vomit special effects have brought down student drinking."
Everyone cringed at the reminder of that day.
"So," Figgins continued, "I am going to show this video at the annual fire safety rally."
"So, we won't be performing at that?" Finn asked.
"No," the principal said. "I'm sorry, but fake vomit is one thing. I don't want there to be any mix-ups with the prop fire."
Figgins collected the DVD and exited the room.
"He doesn't want us to use prop fire," Puck queried, "but he didn't seem to have a problem with the four of us going near fire to make that video?"
"Oh, quit being such a baby," Santana interjected. "The fire wasn't even real."
"Neither are your boobs," Jack snorted.
"That is the last-" Santana screamed, diving at Jack.
A/N: And I think this a good place to end this little PSA. I hope you all learned something about fire safety…and maybe a little bit about yourself. You know, like, I liked this story and I should review.
I hope my subliminal messages got through to you. If I LOL, I would right now. Until next time, I want to wish you all a good morning, good afternoon, good night, and good luck.