Chapter 1 – Yearning
For the last three months I've spent every Saturday night planted to this chair, sitting and watching.
He walks in with her on his arm, a twinkle in his eye and sex oozing off him. His bronze hair is tousled
and his chin is graced with a tiny patch of hair. He looks at her and I can see the utter devotion and
astounding adoration that he bestows on her.
It devastates me to watch but I cannot look away. I'm tortured in this curse that he has placed me
under. I knew what I had to offer would never be enough for him but I had to try when I had the
chance. I took what he gave me and relished every second of every minute. It was like nothing I'd ever
experienced before and I know that I never will again. My ache for him will never dull, the memories will
remain vivid. You see I'm completely in love with Edward Cullen.
And he's completely in love and married to Bella
I don't hate her. I'm simply jealous of her. I knew the moment he saw her, that I'd lost him forever.
Funny thing is that I encouraged him to seek her out. All along knowing that it would destroy my heart.
**3 years earlier**
I had watched him for weeks, as we had English Lit together our sophomore year at UW. I finally approached him at a party on a random Saturday night. We talked about the normal stuff, where we were from, what our majors are, common interests. We were both guitar players and made plans to get together the next afternoon. He was all I'd thought about for weeks, and now, knowing that it was just mere hours til I'd be alone with him, I was riddled with anxiety.
We met at the sound studio set up in the music hall. Once we started playing, the chemistry just floated through the air and hung like a noose around my neck. His fingers mesmerized me, his scent intoxicated me and I couldn't help but stare at the beauty of his face. When he would close his eyes to sing a phrase, I'd imagine what it would feel like to taste those lips, how smooth his tongue would lave against mine. I was terrified of what he would do if I made a move. But I knew if I didn't at least try, I'd never get over the regret of losing him without ever knowing.
We played music for over 3 hours. Both of our hands were numb and we laughed and joked about it. As we were packing up to leave, he asked if I had plans for the evening, I told him I didn't but was hoping we could get together. He chuckled and looked up at me from under those dark lashes with a wicked grin on his face. He captured me, held me in his stare, I was frozen as he approached me.
He stood an inch from me, I was panting so hard, I was sure he could hear my heart beating it's way out of my chest. He cocked his head to the side, smirked at me and said "Stop me now if this isn't your thing. But I'm dying to taste those lips, is that what you want as well?"
I couldn't speak. I was reeling inside. If he had any idea how badly I'd wanted him, how I dreamt of him and thought of him every day for a month now, would he still want this? I nodded and felt his hands wrap around my hips pulling me to him so that our bodies were flush with one another. I could feel him, hard as steel. He brushed his lips against mine before sweeping his tongue out to taste my bottom lip. I'd been stuck with my arms to my side, until I felt his breath in my mouth, then I reached out and placed one hand behind his neck and the other around his bicep, holding him to me while I crashed my lips down on his luscious mouth.
His taste was divine. His tongue like the sweet plum I couldn't get enough of. I had to take a breath and it killed me to break away. He held me tight to him, running his lips down my jaw, up to my ear and then down the crook of my neck. I felt like my body was on fire.
"Edward, Edward, oh my god, please, don't stop," I gushed out. Pushing him back against the closest wall I could find. Our hands were everywhere, our lips continuing to explore wherever we could reach.
I wanted him, desperately, but not this way, not here. I wanted to savor every moment of the first time I had him. But I knew I had to have some piece of him and it had to be now. He was moaning and humming, I knew he was just as defenseless as I was at that moment.
"Oh my God, what are you doing to me? I've always wondered how good it could be with you. I've watched you and wondered what it would be like," he told me while I fell to my knees. I started tugging at his button-fly, popping them quickly. Holding my breath in anticipation as to what perfection was within the confines of the denim fortress. "Holy fuck, Edward, you're perfect, absolutely perfect," I managed to say as the most beautiful cock I'd ever seen sprung free from his jeans.
He was thick, long and perfectly pink with the most gorgeous helmet on the tip I'd ever seen. I couldn't stop the saliva pouring into my mouth, awaiting the chance to suck it into my mouth.
I glanced up at him, his head was thrown back, eyes closed. A look of pure lust on his face with his jaw slack, tongue lapping at his bottom lip. I reached a hand up and pulled his stiff cock down to stare directly into that little slit oozing a drop of precious pre-cum. His hands found my shoulders, sliding up and down the sides of my neck just below my hairline. My tongue couldn't resist and slowly reached out to swipe that bead of juice off the tip. Holy Fuck it tasted better than anything I'd ever put in my mouth before. He moaned causing me to almost cum right there. I scooted my knees closer to him, licked my lips, my eyes never leaving his face.
My tongue wrapped around the helmet, slowly licking up under the head, running my tongue up and through his slit. His hips thrust forward and I couldn't stop myself, I drew him all the way in my mouth, hard, heat and sweet, his cock filled my mouth. He kept moaning and panted out. "So good, so hot, so wet, please don't stop." I moaned around him, wrapping my tongue around his shaft, I sucked and sucked, pulling him in and out of my mouth. His cock was everything I'd dreamed and more. He filled my mouth over and over again as his hands went to my hair. I allowed him to set the pace, fucking my mouth steady and thorough. He'd pull half way out, ram back in, pull all the way out, shove it back all the way back in to hit the back of my throat. I didn't want it to end. For that moment, he was mine and I would worship his cock anyway he'd let me from this day forward. I grasped the back of his thighs, eventually kneading his luscious ass, I couldn't get him close enough, deep enough in my mouth. I wanted this intensity to last. I wanted him to realize how much I wanted him, needed him, all of him. I could feel him tense up and I knew that he was close. I pulled one hand across his ass and placed a finger at his hole, pushing slightly. He growled and stilled my head as I felt the hot stream of his cum hit my
throat. I relaxed and opened it totally, not wanting to miss a drop of his sweet semen. I licked him clean as he rode out his high, watching his glorious face relax and his hooded eyes narrowly open to meet my stare. There was a hint of gleam in his forest green eyes and my body stirred with my own desire flowing through me and a wetness coating inside my own jeans.
"Come here," he commanded, pulling me up off my knees. He enveloped me in his arms, his grip tight and forceful as his mouth crushed down on mine. "Holy fuck that was amazing," he whispered between pecks of kisses to my neck and ears. "I can't wait to see what you've got for me but I think we'll save that for later." He told me quietly. Kissing me a few more times, before slowly releasing his grip on me, he brushed my hair out of my eyes, smiled and said "Let's go get cleaned up and see where the night takes us, ok?" I nodded before reaching to kiss him one more time.
I was afraid once we walked out that door, this would all be like a dream and I'd never get to finish it. As we picked up our guitars and headed to the door, I grabbed his hand, turning him to me. "Please tell me you won't stand me up. I've waited for you for so long and now that I've had a piece of you, I'm not sure I could stand it if I can't have all of you." I sounded desperate and pathetic, but I didn't care. This man had taken over my life from the first moment I saw him and I would go to the ends of the earth to have him, all of him, in whatever way he'd allow me to.
"Babe, don't worry, I'm just getting started with you," he chuckled, running his hand down the front of my jeans causing me to hiss out in anticipation. I knew he could feel the moisture that had accumulated there because he dipped one of those strong, lean fingers just down the front of my waistband, gathered up the wetness and put his finger to his lips. "Holy Fuck, babe, you taste delicious." He looked down at me, closing his eyes and moaning around his finger that kept lolling in and out of his mouth.
This was just the beginning of my journey to both heaven and hell! And even knowing all of the pain
that it had caused me, it was still one of my most cherished memories, the irony of that fact was not lost
on me at all.
I sit here on my perch watching them, touching, laughing and eye-fucking each other. I can't help but
feel the pain of envy coursing through my veins. She has no idea what I'd give to be the one receiving
those bits of affection from him.
My need for him fills me with the heaviest crush of lust and wanton need. I see him in all his naked glory
every night in my dreams. Every time I touch myself I can't help but remember how his hands felt on my
body. Every whisper of need pushed between us.
He always made sure that I knew he wasn't mine to keep. This was just a phase for him, to experiment
and learn about himself sexually. He came to me a virgin in almost every way. He'd never penetrated
another, he'd never had anyone touch him except with their hand or mouth. It's something that drove
my want and need for him.
He leads her to the dance floor, they never lose eye contact as his body pulls hers into him, tightly.
There isn't an inch of space between them and I hunger for the heat that I know his body is putting out.
Her hands drape around his neck, holding him to her just as securely.
They are the epitome of love.
Their story is something of a fairy tale and I'm so fucking envious of something that was never meant for
me to have.
**3 years ago, prior to guitar studio**
When I walked into the party that night, I had no idea he'd be there. I had hoped but I held no
expectations of seeing him. He wasn't known to be one of the party boys. It was certainly easy to see why everyone liked him, he was kind and funny, intelligent and comical. Everyone was drawn to him and he had no want for a social circle. So when I saw him enter the room, I felt my whole body tense and fire surge through me. I immediately became aroused being in this setting with him.
My friend, Tyler, introduced us and started talking to him about some baseball game that had been on TV earlier. I listened with fascination to them replay the stats, players and play by play action. His eyes lit up when he was asked about his music. I was even more intrigued by him once I found out we both played various instruments. I was more intrigued by him once I found out all the instruments we both played. I'd heard him playing piano a few weeks ago and was completely mesmerized by the melody he was playing. Only to learn during our conversation it was a piece he'd written for his mother.
As the evening drew on, we were almost like magnets, walking through the party, taking various shots of alcohol. All the while never lacking for conversation. We closed the party down and I was beyond thrilled when he accepted my offer to get together and play some guitar the next day.
I had felt the electric hum of chemistry between us all night. Several times I was certain that I saw a glint of something in his eyes as we talked. There were a few times when our arms would brush or our fingers touch and I couldn't stop hoping that they were intentional on his part. Mine were always intentional. I was feeling him out and I prayed that I wasn't imagining this "thing" happening between us. As the night closed down I wasn't sure how I was going to make it 'til the next afternoon. I knew I wouldn't sleep a wink.
As I watched them bump and grind, I downed another drink, wanting to get as drunk and numb as
possible but knowing that wasn't my best course of action if I wanted to carry out my plan. I had to talk
to him. I had to remain level-headed as I sought him out while still trying to remain inconspicuous in the
throngs of bodies shoved into the club. I don't think he would like the idea that I had been watching him
for weeks, I really had no idea what his reaction would be if he found out. And if I'm being honest with
myself I recognized that this obsessive behavior certainly was walking the line of insanity. That much I
could admit but knowing myself, my feelings and how I truly never sought out to find him, I wasn't worried about my sanity. But he still might not understand. When I'd first seen them in here, I thought it was a fluke thing, so I returned here the next weekend with a group friends only to find them here again. That's when I made the decision to return again and again to just watch him.
We all lived in the same general vicinity of town, still had mutual acquaintances, so it was not so unusual
to run into one another, although, I generally tended to avoid it, if I could.
We'd ended things easily enough, well…for him at least. I had no intentions of destroying the amicability
that we'd maintained. We'd only ran into each other publicly a few times over the years and it had
always been a friendly and cordial meeting every time. Of course, he didn't know about all the times I'd
seen him with her and never approached them or made myself known. It was hurtful to continue to do
these things but I couldn't stop myself. His hold on me was just too tight and I don't know that I could
ever find a way out of it. But I had to try.
I watched him lead her to the bar where they'd been sitting all night. His strong hands helped her onto
her seat, he kissed her passionately and then turned and left her. I knew from experience that he was
making his way to the back of the club where the bathrooms were. I knew this was my opportunity, I
had to strike now or I knew I never would.
Downing the remainder of my drink, I pushed away from the table, stood and started towards the stairs.
She briefly glanced around the room and I held back behind some other club goers so as to not be
discovered. I had no idea how much he'd told her and as crazy as this sounds…I didn't want to upset her,
if possible, with my presence here tonight. I felt terrible knowing that she was going to be caught in the
middle of this but I couldn't stay away from him any longer.
I made my way through the crowd only to see him standing in line. This was it. This was my chance, the
only one I had, so I had to make it happen just right.
**3 years ago, after guitar studio**
We parted ways outside the studio with the promise to meet back up in an hour and a half at his
apartment. He lived just off campus in his own place. I was grateful that we'd have no prying eyes, no outside distractions when we reunited. I couldn't stop floating on the cloud I was on with the memories of his delicious cock in my mouth. It was more than I'd ever imagined it could be. He was truly the man I'd dreamed him to be. And so much more. His fingers, his voice, his tongue. They all entranced me, laying a blanket of selfish need inside me like a heavy winter's snow.
I rushed to the dorm, showered and changed. I paced my room, waiting for the acceptable time to come for me so that I could head across campus to his door. Back into his arms, back to his delectable body.
He's completely taken over all my senses and I wanted more. So much more. Part of me knew that it was too good to last but I didn't care. He was mine for the moment, and I would selfishly take this moment that I had because I knew someone as amazing as him would never settle for the life I had to offer. He was meant for greatness and I would never be able to offer him all that he deserved.
I grabbed my backpack and a jacket, locking the door behind me and headed out.
The early evening air was light and musty. I could sense the rain settling into the clouds. A night with him, alone, rain pounding on the roof, wrapped in each other's arms. I almost had to stop and take a breath to calm the anxiety flowing through my body. I've never felt anything this intense in my whole life. Sure, I'd felt love before but I'd never experienced anything on this level. I was not afraid of the emotions though. I knew what I wanted, I knew who I wanted and I'll be damned if I wasn't going to enjoy the roller coaster ride that I was currently on.
As I saw the apartment building come into view, my heart started racing, my palms became moist and I had to fight the inner urge to run the rest of the way to his door. I need to relax and take it one step at a time. I could sense that this was new to him and I had to know that he was ready for all that I had to offer him. It wasn't my first time around this block but that was always just to satisfy an itch, he was going to satisfy a deep-seated need. I didn't want to overwhelm him, so I had to keep myself in check at all times.
I reached his door, running a hand through my hair before tapping lightly on the door. He quickly threw open the door with a huge grin. "Hey, you made it," he gushed with excitement.
"Um, yeah, I'm not too early am I?" I looked down to avoid staring at him.
He was the epitome of maleness. Low slung jeans, tight charcoal grey Henley and bare feet. He had a silver chain hanging around his neck and a dark brown leather band around his left wrist. I was so turned on, I was afraid to speak. Afraid that I'd make a fool out of myself immediately. But he just grinned and said, "Come on in. I won't bite, well… not yet anyway." I stood up tall, looked up into his eyes and walked in the door. His sexy smirk almost doing me in, good thing the humor in his eyes at his comment kept me from pouncing on him right there at the door.
He shut and locked the door, turning me to him against the door. Before I could even blink his lips crashed against mine. "Mmmmm, your lips are so delicious baby, I've thought of them non-stop since I left you," he said while looking me in the eyes. We stared silently at one another for what felt like ages before he finally spoke. "Would you like a beer or water or something?" He ran a nervous hand through his hair as he continued. " I don't really have anything in particular planned, I figured we'd just get to know each other and see where this leads, okay?"
My voice had chosen that moment to leave me, so I nodded. I took in a deep breath and prayed that I could make all of my senses work this time. "Sure, Edward, a beer sounds great." Now that I was finally was able to speak, I decided to make small talk. Anything to keep his sexy voice floating between us. "This is a great place, have you lived here long?"
"Um, yeah, I moved in at the beginning of freshman year. I'm an only child and didn't relish the idea of living with a stranger in the dorms, so my parents got me this place. It allows me the freedom of playing my piano whenever I want, which is a big plus for me." He was so beautiful when he spoke of his music.
As I looked around he went to get us each a beer. "How long have you been playing piano?" I asked. "Oh since I was about three or four, I think. My mom, Esme, she was a concert pianist with the Philharmonic for a while before I was born. She often says I came out of the womb playing a tune," he chuckled.
"How about you? When did you start playing?" he questioned.
"Well, I picked up the guitar when I was about six or seven, we couldn't afford lessons, so I'd play my dad's old vinyls over and over again until I had the chords just right. I've been in love with it ever since. I've dabbled in percussions and some piano but mostly it's just the guitar for me." I dropped to the couch, begging him with my eyes to take the place beside me. I needed to be close to him without pushing him too far.
He handed me a beer and sat on the couch facing each other. He stared at me and I tried to figure out what was going through his mind. "I have to tell you, it's so liberating to have you here. I've been kinda' drawn to you since I saw you in class a few weeks ago. I don't know what it is but there's something between us. So, when I saw you the other night I though what the hell, let's see what happens." His admission rushed out at me.
"Really?" I asked. "I'm shocked, to be honest. I wasn't sure you even knew who I was before we met at the party. Of course, I'd noticed you too, but didn't think you'd be interested." I quickly looked away from his piercing gaze.
"Hey, come on, don't be shy on me now. This is all so new to me." He placed his empty hand on my knee. "I've never allowed myself to get that intimate with someone, especially someone I've just met. Sure, sex has interested me and being a sexual person is just natural, at our age.
"I've just never felt like I've been involved with anyone worth giving a piece of myself to. So please understand that I'm not taking any of this lightly," he stated to me with a sincere look on his face.
I released a long breath, not realizing that I'd been holding mine. "I must say Edward, I am very shocked that I'm here with you now. I'm not exactly new to this but I'm not by any means experienced." I ducked my head and paid close attention to the beer in my hand, I was too unsure of myself to meet his eyes as I spoke the next sentence. "I've put myself out there before, but once I saw you, I knew that I had to have you."
"Well, I think I need to tell you, this isn't something that I want on a permanent basis." He waved
his hand back and forth between the two of us. "I'm not looking for a long-term arrangement or
relationship. But I don't want to hurt you either" His large, warm hand dropped back to my knee again and he squeezed as he said. "I just feel a connection to you and I want to see where it leads. Okay? "I nodded mutely at his revelation, I wanted to be hurt by it but I couldn't be. I was stupid enough to take what I could get from him and not complain at all.
I knew then that I'd never have him for my own, permanently.
I knew that I'd give my all to him and I'd only get a piece of him in return.
But, I'd take it. I'd take all that he would offer me and gladly give him all that he wanted to take from me and in the end, I'd have to watch him walk away. If it were for one night or one year, I'd do it, just so I could relish in the feel of him being mine for a brief moment in time.
"I'm okay with that, Edward. Truly, let's just enjoy what's in front of us." I let my eyes bore into his green orbs while knowing that the words were just to pacify him.
I leaned over, wrapping one hand around his neck pulling him to me as our lips touched and the electric charge flew through me again. I felt alive. I felt the wires in my soul connecting and making me come alive inside.
We kissed, hard, soft, deep, slow over and over again. Our hands took on a plan of their own, exploring skin just under the clothes we were wearing until finally he said "Come on, baby, let's go to bed."
I pulled him to me and we kissed all the way down the hall. I reluctantly broke the kiss momentarily to yank his shirt over his head. Pulling back to take in the sight of him shirtless before me, he truly was a work of art. He was lean and sculpted. His body was perfection to me.
He pulled back a little further, quickly ridding me of my clothes, all of them. His hands explored every inch of my skin as I continued undressing him, as well. Once we were both completely naked, the frenzy of lust took over the room.
"You'll have to teach me, show me, instruct me," he said in a haze of lust.
"I know baby, I'll go slow. I won't hurt you, just let me show how good you can feel" I said while his mouth explored my neck.
It was a night of passion, ecstasy and pure unadulterated lust.
We got lost in the heat of the moment and we fucked. I showed him how to carefully take it harder when the need became to much. Enjoying the pounding of my flesh against his while satisfying my need to claim him.
We slowed down to savor and we made love. I allowed him to take it slower and move without a driving force as he explored the new sensation with his first time at penetration. My body was is playground and I allowed him total access.
We explored with mouths, tongues and hands. We fell asleep exhausted just before dawn, wrapped up in each other's arms
It was one of the most exciting and fulfilling night of my life.
"Edward? How are you?" I asked as he finally noticed me approaching.
"Hey! How the fuck are you?" He grinned and pulled me into a half-hug type of thing. It was a little
awkward but we were in a crowd of sweaty, drunk people.
"I'm good. It's so great to see you out? Is Bella with you?" I gently questioned.
"Oh yeah, she's here. We're good. Really, really good. My music's taking off and some exciting things are
heading our way, I think." He said grinning widely with friendly eyes.
"Well, I've got a table up top, all to myself. Come and join me. We can talk, yeah?" I asked, hoping I
didn't sound too desperate or giving myself away.
"Um, sure, let me finish in here, grab Bella and we'll be right up."
"Sounds good. I can't wait." I smiled and turned to walk back up the stairs.
I got to my chair, knowing that if this failed, I couldn't come to this spot again. I'd have lost the most
opportune place I had to watch him, unabashed from afar. But, I had no choice. I had to do this. I had to
see if there was any chance, just one more time. I was a junkie and he was my fix. I had to try and score,
one more time.
I watched as he made his way back to her at the bar. She greeted him with a kiss, pulling him in between
her legs, wrapping her ankles around the back of his thighs. Their kiss grew heated and I became
aroused by the sight of it.
I wanted to know, one more time, what it felt like to have those lips touch mine, the slick heat from his tongue tangling with mine in my mouth. I hoped that this worked, if it didn't it might just end me.
He pulled back from their kiss, whispering in her ear as she started to look around the balcony. She
spotted me and grinned, wickedly.
She knew and it turned her on.
Maybe, just maybe there was a chance, an opening, an opportunity to be had.
She gave a small wave, as they turned to pick up their drinks. They headed through the people towards
the stairs. My stomach was a bundle of anxiety. I had no idea if this was going to blow up in my face or
not, but I held onto the small thread of hope, knowing it was all I had.
As they started approaching my table, I took a drink and made to stand so I could greet them properly.
"Hi beautiful Bella, how are you tonight?"
"I'm good, Jasper, and how are you?"