Author's Note: I've been generating list of silly Slayers prompts for awhile and they're finally going to turn into something. You can expect a collection of stories much shorter and sillier than my usual fare. I encourage anyone who wants to: make up your own list of ridiculous Slayers prompts, or try you hand at the ones that I've suggested. It's a lot of fun!
With that said, come on in and enjoy the silliness.
Slayers Vignettes I
In Which Jillas Eats the Last of the Pumpkin Seeds.
Filia rummaged through her cabinet with growing agitation. They had to be here. A pink Tupperware container should be hard to miss and yet… and yet… There was cinnamon, the honey-bear, a week's worth of tea (read: four boxes with twenty bags a piece), the lemon biscotti, the peanut butter, the fluffernutter spread, the loaf of bread, and on the shelf Val couldn't reach even standing on a chair: the gin. But no pink Tupperware container.
"Jillas," she said, not tearing her gaze away from the pantry as she looked behind the preserves for the sixth time in the last five minutes, "have you seen the pumpkin seeds?"
"Oh," Jillas said a shade nervously as he walked into the kitchen after a toddling Val, "about that, boss…"
"I could swear I put them in here," Filia said, not really listening. "I thought I made enough this year to last me through November." She stamped her foot in childish irritation. "I know I put them in here after the trick-or-treaters left last night. I remember it! Where. Are. They?"
"Didn't seem like there were that many in there from what I saw," Jillas said, shuffling uncomfortably as Val did his impression of a beached seal.
Filia froze instantly. Then after a moment, revolved around to look at the fox man. Her feet did not seem to move. Jillas gulped.
"Jillas," Filia said in a low, dangerous voice, "are you trying to say…"
Jillas wasn't sure whether to stand his ground and confess or to high tail it out of there as quick as his paws would carry him.
"…that Xellos broke in and stole my pumpkin seeds?"
One paw completely slipped out from under Jillas and he only barely kept himself from falling over.
"That makes sense!" Filia declared, vibrating with rage. "Only someone as twisted and evil as him could do something as cruel as stealing other people's pumpkin seeds!" Truly it bespoke a darkness of soul beyond mortal imagining.
"Umm, yeah," Jillas said, wavering but deciding to go with it lest he be maced for his crimes. "That sounds like somefing 'e would do." And it did, you had to admit.
"I'll show him!" Filia promised, making a fist. Suddenly she gasped. "You don't think he took my apple cider too, do you?"
"No that was Gr—" Jillas began, but stopped himself in time. "I mean, yeah. 'e probably got that too."
Filia made a dramatic weeping gesture into her sleeve. "Does his evil know no bounds?" she asked of the universe at large.
In Which No Prison Can Hold Zelgadis Greywords!
It wasn't a matter of finding a way out of the cell, really, they made that almost comically easy. Perhaps it was because it was so easy that he felt the need to take time to decide just which of the many escape methods available he should use. They'd given him a spoon, and he could always sharpen that to a point using an abrasive surface (like his thigh) and take a hostage with it. That was probably lowest on his list. Things could go bad with hostages.
He could befriend the sheriff's dog, using the remnants of his meal as bait, and then train the dog to steal the set of keys. Or perhaps even fashion a crude fishing rod from the materials in his cell to gently reel the keys in to him, without stooping to canine covertness. Loosening the drain cover would lead him to freedom… though admittedly not in style.
So instead, Zelgadis went for the simple method. He rammed his rocky shoulder against the outside wall of his cell until the cobblestones parted ways with their flimsy mortar. When he had a small hole made it was only a matter of working the edges until they collapsed, leaving him a nice, man-sized exit.
The corner of his mouth twitched smugly. This small-town jail house really didn't know what they were in for when they picked him up for melting the temple gates (a trumped up charge if there ever was one). He'd broken out of prisons tougher than this ramshackle hut. And he'd do it again too. No prison can hold Zelgadis Greywords!
He strolled through the doorway he'd created, only to be smacked in the head by a very large piece of roofing that had been dislodged by his destruction.
When he regained consciousness, they'd put him in another cell and told him his fine had been increased to account for the damage to his old cell, and could he just pay already? He was only making things worse for himself at this point.
In Which Xellos Makes Filia a Coupon Book for her Birthday.
Filia skimmed over the loosely bound paper scraps Xellos had expectantly presented her. Of course, what with the busy life Filia led, she'd already made it clear that coupon books made perfect gifts. Val had crayoned in a set with promises to "not frow food at the wall for a hole week" and "good for won smile!" While Jillas had provided vouchers to "Give Lord Val a spelling lesson" and "Do afternoon gunpowder experiments in Coopers Field instead of the basement." And Gravos had given wholly practical things like "babysit Lord Val", "cook dinner" and "Yell at Jillas for you the next time he blows something up." She was saving that last one for a day when her voice was particularly hoarse.
But Xellos... after all these years of horrible, usually dangerous gifts, had finally jumped on the bandwagon and made her a coupon book. Leafing through the noticeably thick stack of vouchers she honestly wasn't sure whether to yell at him or burst out laughing. She was slightly horrified at herself for leaning toward the latter.
Instead she strove for a calm, in-control voice and asked him: "Xellos... is there a single one of these that isn't for some kind of sex act?"
"Nope," he declared proudly.
In Which Lina Gives Xellos a Nickname.
Lina felt that she was spending entirely too much time underground lately. The last few Clair Bible leads had all involved caves, tombs, and tunnels. Why couldn't they search for the Clair Bible at a tropical resort or an all-you-can-eat buffet for a change of pace?
Anyway, like it or not, they were underground once more, trying to navigate through a booby-trapped dungeon where a mysterious, magical treasure was supposed to be hidden. It was a long shot but, what could she say? They'd been going from long shot to long shot lately.
They'd made it through most of the dungeon pretty okay. Amelia had scraped her knee running from a giant, rolling boulder and Martina had shredded her cape in one of those whirring blades they'd ducked around. But they'd all pretty much made it through in one piece (but not without plenty of whining) to the bottom floor.
They'd just been going to head through the open doors beyond which the treasure surely lay, when suddenly another trap was sprung and the doors slammed shut. Lina was pretty sure she felt the cobblestone below her left foot sink right before it happened, but smacked Gourry and blamed him for activating the trap on general principle.
Now they were all stuck grunting and groaning as they tried to pull the heavy doors open. The ropes attached to the handles were rough and hairy and Lina didn't even want to think what they were made of. She was just glad she was wearing gloves.
"Geez Gourry, put your back into it!" she commanded.
"I'm pulling as hard as I can!" he called back.
"Man, what are those doors even made of?" Lina wondered out loud. She glared over her shoulder. "Hey Xel, mind giving us a hand already?"
"I'm pulling as hard as I can too, Lina," Zelgadis answered testily. "Complaining isn't going to make it any easier."
"Not you," Lina snapped. "Him," she said, gesturing her head over to the priest overseeing their efforts with a smile.
"What, so he's gonna be 'Zel' now too?" Gourry asked, brows meeting in the middle. "That's gonna get confusing."
"Didn't you hear me?" Lina berated. "I clearly pronounced it with an X!"
"You can't hear the difference between a Z and an X," Zelgadis pointed out bad-naturedly.
"I heard it," Xellos piped up. "But in any case," he added, "I have a perfectly good name and I'd prefer that you used the whole thing."
"That takes too long," Lina whined.
"Master Xellos has an outstanding name!" Martina rushed to his defense. "Quit trying to cheapen it, Lina!"
"Anyway, my name has the most syllables, but you don't feel the need to give me a nickname," Amelia brought up.
"Yeah, but… I don't know," Lina said, taking a hand off the rope to wave it dismissively. "Amelia just rolls off the tongue."
"And Xellos doesn't?" Xellos asked, sounding only mildly offended in defense of his name.
"Maybe she's not willing to waste two syllables of breath on you," Zelgadis muttered.
"Well, she's only willing to use one on you as well," Xellos said with a shrug.
"Then are you suggesting that we should change Mister Zelgadis's nickname?" Amelia asked with a frown. She never used it, but she didn't really like the idea of anyone calling him 'Gadis' or 'Zelgad' either.
"I honestly don't care about it," Zelgadis said, but privately shared Amelia's objections.
"Nah, Zel was Zel first," Gourry said, shaking his head.
"Then I guess we should give Mister Xellos a different nickname," Amelia chirped, slightly relieved.
"Now, really, I don't think—" Xellos began.
"Yeah, but what?" Lina said thoughtfully. "It's not like we can use any other parts of his full name. Los just sounds dumb."
"Priest guy?" Amelia pitched without much confidence. "Purple-haired guy?"
Lina shook her head. "Those are all longer than his actual name."
"We could just call him 'You,'" Zelgadis said dully.
"How about Mike?" Gourry suggested.
Everyone looked at him oddly. "How do you even begin to get Mike from Xellos?" Lina demanded.
Gourry shrugged. "Well, it's short."
"It's not like you can just pick any random thing," Lina said, completely dropping the rope to put her hands on her hips. "Anyway," she added, glancing at Xellos. "If you're going to just pick some shorter name then he looks more like a Dave to me."
Xellos just looked dumbly from one of them to the other. "Excuse me?"
"We're not getting anywhere with this," Amelia said, shaking her head and dropping the rope.
"Yeah," Lina was forced to admit. "I guess you're just stuck being Xellos, Xellos."
"How sad for me," Xellos commented.
"Cheer up," Gourry said, completely oblivious to Xellos's sarcasm. "I'm sure someone will come along that can think of a good nickname for you eventually. If not this year, then maybe next year."
In Which Lina Makes a Deal with the Devil… Again.
Lina woke up to the feeling that a pulsating ball of fire in her stomach was about to eat its way through her body, burn through the floor, and not stop until it reached the other side of the planet. She blinked blearily and tried to sit up, even this slight movement causing her fragile tummy to remind her that it might expel the damage she'd done to it if it was tested even slightly.
She looked around the mostly empty room. It seemed like the restaurant staff had given up hope on getting her to leave and had just gone to bed as had her friends. The only one left was Gourry, who had fallen face first into the soup of the day. His slumber seemed blissful and not fraught with digestive distress. Every so often he'd snore and blow a cheesy little bubble in the broth.
The table was filled with… well, mostly cleaned plates. She'd managed to eat most of the food before she'd passed into a food coma. In her hazy mindset she couldn't quite remember everything that she'd eaten, but she was sure she was over her chili powder limit.
She scootched over to the wall and leaned her back against it to give the acids trying to climb up her esophagus more of a challenge. She knew she'd be better off sleeping this off, but it's hard to sleep when corrosive liquids are dancing inside your belly. She took a deep, calming breath and closed her eyes.
"To be honest, I thought putting salsa on the pizza was a little overkill," a voice said.
Lina forced her eyes open and grimaced. "Gimme a break," she said, "I already feel like throwing up."
"I was just trying to be sympathetic," Xellos said, appearing in the chair next to the sleeping Gourry.
"Well, you need more practice," Lina said. "Anyway," she added with a shrug, "salsa goes with everything."
"Indeed?" Xellos asked. "Well, in that case, perhaps it was the hot pepper eating contest that put you over the edge? Though I see they've put your name up on the wall."
Lina looked over at the wall he had indicated where a very short list of shaky-handed signatures followed the legend 'Mr. Scoville's Daredevil Pepper Challenge.' Her name was right next to a scorch mark.
She clutched her stomach and wondered if it had all been worth it to beat Gourry when she noticed Xellos had something in his hand. It was a small white tablet with a chalk-like consistency.
"What's that?" she asked, nodding to it.
"Oh this?" Xellos asked, looking at the item in his hand as though he'd only just then noticed it was there. "Just something I picked up when touring the Alchemist Guild. It's their latest product… a medicine meant to calm stomachaches, I believe. They're not releasing it to the general public yet, so I thought I'd borrow their prototype."
Lina stared at the pill with eyes that were not as wide as saucers, but still pretty darn wide. "Give it here," she said, trying to get up and snatch the pill, but shrinking as her stomach let her know that violent movement was only on the agenda if it involved throwing up.
Xellos threw the pill in the air and caught it as though he hadn't heard her. "Yes, I suppose that something like this could be quite valuable to a person in true digestive discomfort… the churning, the burning, the… well, let's not even mention the rest. An end to all that pain… that could be worth a very high price."
Lina narrowed her eyes at him. "What do you want?" she asked flatly.
"I do believe a cure like this could be worth… oh… five hundred fifty… no, five hundred fifty thousand gold coins," Xellos pressed on.
Lina's mouth had been about to form the words 'Why would you need that kind of money?' when her eye caught one of the Demon's Blood Talismans that was on her bulging belt buckle. She scowled at him. "I told you you're not buying them back!" she said sourly. It'd been the deal of the century for goodness sakes!
Xellos gave a defeated shrug and got up. "That's a shame," he said. "I thought we could make a fair trade… ah well. Enjoy your heartburn. It's only after midnight, so you should have at least another six or seven hours to do so… likely more considering what you ate."
"I'll be fine," Lina said certainly, trying to talk over the angry gurgling in her stomach. "I'll just… drink some water and eat some plain crackers. I'll be better in no time flat!"
"I'm sure you will," Xellos said mildly, if rather doubtfully, as he walked toward the door.
He had already turned the door handle and had one foot out the door before one of the talismans hit him in the back of the head. He turned around and caught the rest, lobbing the pill into Lina's open hand after he'd received all four.
Lina crunched the pill defiantly. It looked like chalk because it tasted like chalk. If Xellos was trying to sell her rock matter and pass it off as medicine than he'd have another thing coming.
Xellos tipped her head at her politely and said: "Pleasure doing business with you." He turned to leave.
"Wait a minute," Lina said, causing him to turn back. "Why do you want those things back so badly anyway? It's not like you need a power boost that often."
Xellos clucked his tongue and shook his head at her. "Isn't it obvious, Miss Lina?" he asked, holding up one hand which now had a talisman clamped around its wrist like a bracelet. "They just accessorize so well!"