A/N: Hello all! This is my entry for The Pineapple Awards O/S contest hosted by Tea Bagging Twilight!

For anyone who is just as confused as I was initially, a "pineapple" is an incredibly ridiculous and completely unsexy lemon. I don't think mine particularly fits what they had in mind – since I read other amazingly hilarious entries – but I had to give it a try :)

I want to thank Angela (Angie_stl) for taking on the beta duties for this chunk of craziness; her help over these last few weeks with this story and others has been amazing Also want to thank Tea Bagging Twilight for hosting the contest, and the Twimuses blog for promoting it, which is how I came across it! Hope you all enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of its characters; S. Meyers does and I thank her for letting me borrow them!

The Pineapple Awards O/S – Clinical Love

Like most women, I've met and fallen for many a guy, thinking that I had finally found the amalgamation of every ideal spoken of in romance novels and movie love stories.

However, just like most women, I've eventually been hit in the head with the reality stick pretty soon after. When the proverbial smoke clears after the honeymoon period is over and the façade has dropped, I'm eventually faced with some stereotype of a man who makes it hard for a woman to not want to pack it all in and decide to bat for the home team.

I've dated a momma's boy who called his mom ten times a day and had her come over to do all the cooking and cleaning, and a pretentious asshole who thought my sole purpose was to be barefoot and pregnant. I've woken to find my credit card or cash missing by the supposedly successful venture capitalist or restaurant owner, or found myself embarrassed to go out with a man who lacked the decorum and intellect to be taken out in public. One time I came home early from work to find my boyfriend rolling around in all the stilettos in my closet while wearing my red lace teddy from Vickie Sec, while being photographed by another man wearing nothing but the matching panties to that teddy.

Suffice to say, I've been a little weary about entering into relationships.

So when I met Dr. Edward Cullen after a horrible run in with my butcher knife and he asked me out as soon as the last stitch was in place, my immediate reaction was to politely tell him no. It was only after two subsequent trips to the E.R. for equally accident-prone injuries that I finally caved in and agreed to a date.

One month later, I couldn't find one thing wrong with the man. He was funny, intelligent in a modest way, and attentive. He had the perfect amount of chivalry but respect for my independence, and he was close to his family without bordering on incestuous. To top it all off, he was sexy as hell.

So, it was after the lack of "shoe-dropping " (and shoe-molesting) occurrences that I decided to take the next step with him by attacking him at my front door as he prepared to say goodnight. To say I was sexually frustrated would be an understatement, so when it was clear that we were both willing and ready to be intimate, I could practically hear my pussy squeal in excitement.

Oh how premature I was about that shoe-dropping thing.

"Oh baby, you are so sexy. You make my male organ of copulation so hard. I can't wait to be inside of you."

What. The. Fuck? At first I was sure he was joking. I mean, this sexy and confident man could NOT seriously have just said that, right?

"Damn Bella, I don't think my cylinders of spongy erectile tissue have ever been this full of blood! I am so turned on right now!"

If it weren't for the fact that he was sucking on my neck and rubbing my clit in the most delicious way through my panties as he said these things, I might have laughed directly in his face. I mean, Edward and I had been dating for a while, so I thought that I knew how he would be in this situation. Granted, we've never gotten this far, but that doesn't mean we haven't fooled around a little. Usually, he's so suave and sexy, and his words usually send my heart racing and make me shiver. However, right now all they are doing is causing me to dry up faster than you can say "Sham-Wow".

While I'm having this inner monologue of disbelief, Edward has pulled my dress over my head and has my shoes and thigh-highs off already. As I look into his eyes, I remember why I'm allowing this to happen right now; I really want to take this relationship to the next level with this amazing man.

Maybe he didn't know what he was saying before. Maybe he was thinking out loud or something? I start to kiss him as I repay the favor of undressing him. As we both start to moan and pant, I think that maybe his earlier statements were just a fluke, and try to push them out of my consciousness.

Soon, we are lying naked on my bed, with him and all his hard lines and sinewy muscles hovering over me. Like the horn ball I am, I immediately open my legs so that he can fully rest on me. As I rub my hands up and down his amazing body, he is using his tongue in the most tantalizing ways on my nipples.

By this point, I am done with the foreplay; his lack of talking has caused the Hoover Dam between my legs to return, and I am so ready I am quivering. Edward must sense this, because after he rolls on the condom that he placed on my dresser, he slides inside of me in one thrust.

To say I wasn't already aware of how well endowed Edward was before this night would be a lie. On one of our dates we went surfing, and I got a mighty fine preview of what was going on beneath his board shorts. But to actually feel it filling me up and making me feel whole is something different. As he begins to move faster and harder, my body begins to feel things it hasn't in years.

And then he speaks again.

"Yeah love, just like that. Squeeze those vaginal walls around my external genital organ. Let me feel those contractions, baby."

In between my sweating and panting, I have to force myself not to laugh. This is by far the least stimulating, yet hilarious sexual experience I've ever had. I mean, really? Who says this shit while their dick-deep in pussy?

When I met Edward, the thing that most attracted me to him was his profession, but now I'm thinking that reading about all of those clinical trials and constantly working in the E.R. has taken its toll on his relational skills. Still, the things that he's doing to my body and the feelings I have for him almost outweigh the words coming out of his mouth.


"Do you like it, baby? Do you like my well endowed penis going inside your internal genitalia? The pulsation and encasement of you feels so good!"

Alright, this shit is too much. I am so close to the edge right now, between Edward's dick hitting my spot and his fingers caressing my nipples in the most amazing way, but his mouth is going to bring this to an end – and not in a good way. I can't take it anymore. I need to get off, and he needs to be quiet or get the hell off me.

"EDWARD! PLEASE JUST STOP TALKING AND FUCK ME!" I yell out, clearly much to the surprise of Edward. He stops moving and looks at me with a shocked and somewhat hurt expression.

Now I feel bad. I don't want to hurt his ego, and I definitely don't want him to stop; I just want him to close his mouth when it isn't being used to bring pleasure to some part of my body.

Trying to salvage the moment – as well as Edward's erection – I pull him in for a kiss that could make Gene Simmons blush while slowly rocking against him. Edward must be appeased by this move because he starts to thrust into me again. This time, I keep my lips attached to his as if my life depends on it. It's a little hard to breathe, but it's pretty sexy having him pant and moan in my mouth and doing the same to him. It feels like every part of us is connected now – even our respiratory system.

That feeling that started in the pit of my stomach is back and spreading rapidly through every cell in my body, and I can tell by Edward's panting and thrusting that he feels it too. Suddenly, my whole body seizes and words of any kind escape me as the most amazing pleasure erupts from my body. Edward follows me a second later with a sound somewhere between a groan and a growl, and it is by far the sexiest thing that has left his mouth all night.

We lay there for a little while longer, just holding each other and breathing heavily. Then Edward looks down at me with that disturbingly sexy yet crooked smile and – I shit you not – he says…

"I knew you'd like the dirty talk, baby."

And this time, there's no way I can help laughing my ass off in his face.

The End :)

A/N: Thanks for reading. Leave me some feedback and let me know what you think!