Anyone But You

By CelticbeLLs12


No Slash. Hogwarts's least loved dungeon bat and the Boy-Who-Lived somehow find themselves a Ministry elevator. A humorous situation ensues as they are stuck with only each other for company. Both can agree that they'd rather be with anyone else than the "Greasy Git" and the "Gryffindor Brat".


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, only this story. All characters belong to J.K. Rowling.


"Sir, we've stopped moving."

"I'm very aware of that, Mr. Potter."

"It's broken, then?"

"No, the elevator decided to take a break just short of our destination...Of course it's broken!"


"What was that?"

"Nothing sir, nothing at all."

"Do not use that tone with me, Potter! "

"I- "

"Potter! Kindly shut that trap of yours while I figure a way out of here!"

"Er, you know that panel with the slits? Do you think we can exit through there?"



"POTTER! What did I say about not speaking?"

"But sir-"

"No, Potter that is an air vent. But if you would like to try escaping through there, be my guest. It'd be quite a show to see you fitting your impossibly large head through it."

...10 minutes later...

"Sir, can't we use ap-appagation?"

"Apparation, Potter. And, no, we cannot. There are anti-apparition wards placed on all the Ministry elevators."

"Well that's stupid. What happens when people are stuck?"

"People usually don't get stuck. When these elevators were designed, they did not assume idiot children would break them by pushing FIVE BUTTONS AT ONCE!"

"I'm not a child!"

"Yes, you are. The immature behavior you exhibited to get us into this mess proves you are a child!"

"That was an accident! I fell against the buttons!"

"Oh, did an unexpected breeze push you, Mr. Potter?"

"No, but-"

"So you tripped over your own two feet?"

"You shouldn't be talking about body parts, sir, with a nose like yours."


"Ow, that hurt! You could have just insulted me. Why'd you have to kick me?"

"Because nothing else seemed to work, Mr. Potter."

"Really, sir! You caught me in the shin..."

"Stop your whining, it doesn't hurt that bad."

"Like hell! It hurts like shi-"


...20 minutes later...

"What are you doing, Potter?"

"Taking out my wand, sir. That's usually what people do when they want to cast a spell."

"20 points from Gryffindor, for your cheek.


"I did not stutter. 20 points, or shall I make it 40?"


"Now, what idea have you concocted in that oh-so-bright mind of yours?"

"I'm opening the doors and getting us out."

"IDIOT CHILD! You could fall into the shaft."

"Could, not will, Professor."

"POTTER! You were given one mouth and two ears for a reason. Listen to what I am saying: YOU. WILL. FALL. OUT."


"By, Merlin."

"Professor, HELP!"

"Lend me your hand, Potter."

"But, you'll drop me."

"Regardless of my current desire to be rid of you, Potter, I will not drop a child to his death."


"For Merlin's sake, Potter. Up, you get.


"Are you quite well?"

"Yes, I think so."




"...When will I get it back?"

"That depends on your behavior. But from what I've seen, Gryffindor now resides in the negative numbers."


"Now, what did we learn, Mr. Potter?"

"Don't open doors in a trapped elevator?"


"Gravity's a bitch?"


"Don't use magic in elevators."

"Close. Magic should be left to the responsible adults. Not impudent little children who wave their wands around like buffoons."

"I'm not a child, sir."

"Then stop whining like one."

"I'm not-...uh, never mind."

"I thought so."


"30 minutes."


"We've been stationary in this Merlin-forsaken elevator for 30 minutes."

"Huh, it feels longer than that."

"I agree. Only being stuck with you, Potter, would make time crawl by slower than a corpulent snail."

"But better than Neville, right?"

"Only just. Merlin, help me; I'm late for my meeting."

"Yeah, well I'm late for my hearing."

"And whose fault is that?"

"Fudge...And his defective elevators."

"Defective elevators, indeed."