Jasper and Emmett take to the water in...

Seamen extraordinaire

A tale of tight canals, sand-filled crevices, and vampires with little to do but each other.

A/N: This bit of fun is written for Twilighted's Friday Free For All. It is crackfic slash (Jasper/Emmett) and full of rated M vampire fun.

Many thanks to ArcadianMaggie and Theladyingrey42 for prereading and TwilightMundi for betaing.

Disclaimer: All Twilight characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, Little, Brown, et. al. No profit was made and no copyright infringement is intended.

Jasper broke through the surface of the water and shook his head to free it from various bits of seaweed that had collected in his messy hair. Once he was free of ocean flora, he set about removing some of the sand that had collected in his swimming shorts. When that was accomplished, he finally looked around and took stock of the remaining members of his coven.

He spotted Rosalie and Alice quickly. They weren't far away, and were splashing a good deal as they finished emulating the swimming patterns of a nearby dolphin population before moving on to reenacting scenes from The Little Mermaid. He could tell there was some sort of competition going on having to do with the exact angle and height with which they burst out of the water to land on a large rock whilst tossing their hair back and poking their breasts out, breasts which they'd covered (barely) with brightly colored shells.

He hated to break it to them, but he saw no point in their Ariel-emulation. After all, Eric was the only one worth watching in that movie, wasn't he? Such a stud. And he was always blowing the flute. That was just Symbolism 101.

Jasper took a moment to recall how the seagull had rubbed Eric's foot all over its face.

He adjusted his shorts again as he bounced along in the waves. That shit was hot.

Jasper had no desire to get closer to the beach, where Esme was sunbathing with Carlisle beside her, reading back issues of his favorite medical journal. But his desire to stay out at sea was mostly due to Edward, who was driving Jasper crazy with his miserable attitude.

Edward was now waist deep in a rather large hole he had been digging down into the sand near the edge of the water. Jasper wasn't sure what Edward's plan was regarding the hole, but the vibes the vampire was giving off were a combination of disgust and anger. Jasper correctly ascertained that Edward's anger was due Carlisle and Esme demanding he attend their annual vacation to Isle Esme, regardless of the fact that his new girlfriend Bella was forced to remain back at home with her overprotective father.

As for Edward's disgust...

"It's because of the staggeringly vast quantities of sheer stupidity currently running through all of your heads." Edward answer to Jasper's thoughts came from inside his now chest-deep pit.

Jasper watched as Edward turned around to his parents. "Esme, give it up. Applying sunscreen because you want to pretend that's the reason you don't tan? Absurd. And Carlisle, I'm so glad that the fake coconut scent of her lotion turns you on, because frankly, it's giving me a headache. But as long as one of us is enjoying it... Oh, and yes, Rose, your breasts are huge and barely fit into your shells. Now excuse me while I go back to my digging."

Edward's plan was actually to bury himself in the hole once it was deep enough, in the hopes that the sand would mute some of his family members' thoughts. That or possibly dig his way back to Forks to be reunited with Bella sooner than scheduled. It depended how much progress he made before the tide turned.

Jasper watched Edward resume his furious digging for a moment or two before turning his attention away. Edward wasn't usually so angry, but ever since he'd met Bella, he'd become irrational and moody. Perhaps it was some form of vampire puberty that had hit him at last.

"Shut the fuck up," Edward yelled from his ever-deeper hole before chucking his blue plastic shovel at Jasper's head.

"Then lighten up," Jasper called back. "We're on fucking vacation."

The two vampires resumed ignoring each other as best as they could.

It was then that Jasper felt a slight irregularity in the water currents flowing between his legs. Judging by the change, either a very large shark or Emmett was close at hand. Jasper sniffed the air and detected immediately it was the far more dangerous of the two.

That was the moment Emmett, who was indeed swimming silently in the vicinity, pounced, yanking Jasper's swimming suit off from below.

"Hey!" Jasper yelped, diving down to retrieve his shorts, but was forced to return to the surface as Emmett had already done so.

Jasper broke through the water and opened his eyes just in time to see his swimming suit land on the back of Edward's head, which was exactly Emmett's target.

"What the fuck!" Edward was yelling at Jasper, who was again the only one left in sight. Emmett had already retreated to the safety of the ocean floor, leaving Jasper seemingly guilty of the heinous crime of hurling the very shorts that had been rubbing all along Jasper's private places all day directly at his family's moodiest member.

Once Edward calmed down enough to read Jasper's mind, however, he was forced to recognize Jasper's innocence. Focusing his anger elsewhere, Edward took up grumbling about Emmett's childish behavior as he resumed his digging with his bright red and yellow plastic bucket.

Before Jasper could decide what to do next, Emmett struck again. The larger vampire snagged Jasper's ankles and started pulling him under water, wrestling him to the ocean floor.

Outside observers might have judged Jasper and Emmett's subsequent behavior as quite indecent, what with the two vampires rolling about buck naked through the sand and brightly colored coral and anemone.

They would have been correct.

After all, despite Jasper's protests, he'd been rock hard before they'd made it even halfway to the bottom. And Emmett's playful squeezes were hardly placed at random. The same could be said for the two jellyfish Emmett suction cupped directly atop Jasper's sensitive nipples.

The two twisted and bucked and clawed as they rolled along the sandy floor fighting for dominance until Emmett managed to grasp Jasper's cock, stroking it until the vampire came all over a passing school of fish that weren't quite fast enough to dart out of the way. Emmett subsequently emptied his own atop a rather confused lobster.

For two vampires who fought like mad and insisted even harder that they weren't a couple, they did an awful lot of angry coupling. This was okay with Jasper, though. He simply thought of them as nonmates-with-benefits. Emmett for his part was even less concerned with labels and had rarely thought of anything all week besides the way Jasper's abs glistened in the tropical sun and how saltwater enhanced the taste of his skin.

Later that afternoon, after Jasper and Emmett became bored of chasing each other and various denizens of sea life with their erections, they re-emerged along the sandy beach to join the other members of the coven.

Emmett did so proudly. He hadn't worn a bathing suit into the ocean, so he wasn't expecting to wear one coming out either. In fact, Emmett wore as little clothing as possible the majority of the time. He claimed his boys "needed to breathe," despite the fact that no part of a vampire actually required oxygen. In actuality, Emmett, who had been on the smaller side as a human, had been granted a rather extraordinary member at the time of his change. He proudly showed it off at every opportunity. Skinny-dipping in the ocean was one of his more valid excuses.

Though no less gloriously endowed, Jasper was far more modest. When he came ashore, he did so a bit more reluctantly, choosing to cover himself as thoroughly as possible with clumps of seaweed and a jellyfish whose tentacles explored more of his nether regions than he wanted to admit. After all, only Emmett was allowed back there, and even then only on special occasions.

As inconspicuously as possible—which it turns out was not very inconspicuous at all—Jasper emerged from the water and headed awkwardly for Edward's hole to retrieve his bathing suit. The pit was now quite deep. Edward was standing in it and tossing buckets of sand above his head at this point as he continued digging deeper. But as grumpy as Edward had been when Jasper's shorts landed on his head that morning, he seemed surprisingly reluctant to part with them now. It wasn't until he'd secured Jasper's promise to help him dig later that he surrendered them at all.

Once Jasper secured his clothing, he ducked behind a palm tree to disengage the curious jelly and put on his bathing suit. After doing so, he returned to sprawl out on the warm sand by Esme's side.

"How was your day, dear?" she asked him, eager to dote on a son that was neither naked nor inordinately cranky. "It sounded like you were having fun?"

"Yeah," he admitted. "I guess."

Confessing the fun he'd had with Emmett was no less uncomfortable with a pretend mother than a real one, so Jasper changed the subject quickly.

"Where are Alice and Rosalie?" he asked.

Esme frowned. "They went back to the mainland to shop." The family vacation she envisioned was hardly going as planned, what with Edward's petulance and the girls sneaking off to Brazil with the boat, according to the note they'd left behind.

Jasper sighed and closed his eyes, trying to ignore the "I'm not fucking petulant" grumbles emerging from Edward's nearby pit.

The truth was, though, that Jasper also was growing a bit bored. It wasn't as though he wanted to go shopping with his sisters, but he was tired of the activities readily available to him on the island. They'd been there more than five days already, and had another three and a half to go. Frankly, he needed some space from his family members, but the island was too small to provide the room to run that he sought.

He wondered if Esme would be opposed to his going on a rather long swim.


And possibly all the way home to Forks.

"You're not leaving if I can't," Edward called from his hole.

Jasper groaned as Carlisle and Esme glanced at him in unison. "Where did you want to go?" Esme asked.

"He wants to swim back to Forks. And he wants to leave"—Edward paused dramatically—"today."

Carlisle reached over to comfort Esme who gasped at the surprisingly traitorous thought from the son she'd thought she could count on. (Jasper, having spent many years engaged in painful vampiric warfare taking direction from a ruthless female, was generally amenable to the whims of the goodhearted if occasionally delusional Esme.)

Jasper rolled his eyes and mentally thanked Edward for introducing the idea in such a callous way.

Edward smirked from inside his enlarged hole.

Before Jasper could figure out how to mollify Esme and still find a way to get off the island for at least a while, Emmett spoke up.

"I wanna go too," Emmett announced as he drew in the sand with a piece of driftwood. Once his image of a stick figure with a disproportionately large cock bending Jasper over a rowboat was complete, he erased it and began rendering a new scene. It involved himself, of course, as well as several bananas, a coconut and Jasper up against the wall of Edward's pit.

Carlisle studiously ignored the drawings carved in the sand.

Edward, however, was quick to alert Emmett to the fact that, if Emmett and Jasper chose to use Edward's hole, Edward would find a way to remove one of Emmett's balls.

Emmett colorfully expressed his desire for Edward to get the mother-loving fuck out of his head before finishing his drawing and signing his name at the bottom.

Entirely missing the point, Esme agreed they could swim home, but not until the end of week when their vacation came to a close.

For once entirely in agreement, Jasper, Emmett, and Edward began protesting simultaneously.

Carlisle, recognizing their mutinous signs, decided to take a new approach with his increasingly unhappy mate. "Darling, what if we let them go? We could enjoy the rest of the week as a couple. It would be very romantic..."

Esme considered Carlisle's suggestion. It had merit. The island sunsets would be gloriously romantic without Emmett parading around nude on the beach.

Edward was out of his hole and dialing his travel agent to arrange an immediate flight home to Bella before Esme had time to voice her agreement.

Meanwhile, Jasper quickly headed into the house to pack his belongings. Just as he was finishing, Emmett burst into his room.

"Dude! Let's race!"

"Race? Like, back to Forks?" Jasper asked warily, unsure a race would give him the alone time he needed.

"Yeah! C'mon! Let's do it! Unless, of course, you're a giant octopussy," Emmett taunted.

Jasper hesitated, but Emmett wasn't about to let him say no. Emmett was already overly excited about his idea, as it was certain to alleviate his current boredom. So he made Jasper a tantalizing offer: the winner would get to choose whether he wanted to top or bottom...for an entire fucking year.

Jasper blinked in response. It was certainly tempting. As Emmett was the stronger of the two, more often than not he chose who went where whenever their frequent wrestling turned sexual.

However, Jasper had a certain advantage over Emmett in that he knew a great deal more about the geography of Central America after all the time he'd spent in the vicinity with Maria.

Jasper sized up his competitor and decided Emmett was certain to try to win using brute strength. But Jasper was fond of strategy and was determined to outwit the other vampire, if not out-muscle him. After glancing at the pile of change on his dresser, he agreed to the race.

Considering he possessed the exact change necessary to pay the fare to pass through the Panama Canal, how could he lose?


They would leave that afternoon when Carlisle gave the sign.

The rules were simple; Jasper and Emmett couldn't leave the water, and the first vampire to emerge on La Push beach was the winner. Edward would meet them at home and would be the judge in the event of a dispute.

Jasper was certain Emmett's plan was to head around Cape Horn at the southern tip of South America before proceeding north to Forks. But Jasper would shave thousands of miles off his swim using the canal. He discreetly patted his upper thigh to verify his thirty-six cent fare was securely attached to his body beneath his bathing suit as he readied himself mentally to best his fuck buddy.

But when they began the race, Emmett didn't head south as Jasper expected. Instead, Emmett followed Jasper when he headed north.

Trying to figure out what Emmett was up to, Jasper swam in a few large figure eights.

Emmett tailed him the entire time.

This irritated Jasper immensely.

The farther out of his way Jasper swam, the more Emmett pissed him off. Clearly, Emmett's plan was simply to follow Jasper until the very end when Emmett would win the final sprint to the finish line.

Jasper realized he'd have to lose his tracker or his shortcut wouldn't give him the advantage he'd anticipated.

It was time to take drastic measures.

He'd need to give his competitor a mind-blowing orgasm.

After all, the only time Emmett was slow was during the first few minutes after he came when he was all doofy and generally disinclined to do much besides gaze at Jasper in an almost-loving manner.

So Jasper began to wiggle his hips a bit more dramatically as he swam, and flexed his musculature unnecessarily as he stroked through the water, in an attempt to get the vampire swimming behind him impossibly horny.

It didn't take long before Jasper had Emmett eagerly following him down into the recesses of a sunken ship, where they had a surprisingly romantic encounter on the bed that once belonged to a Rear Admiral.

Upon finishing, Jasper quickly left the shipwreck, accepted a knucklebump from an octopus that had observed their underwater tryst, and took off for the canal that would ensure him sexual dominance for many months to come.

But while Jasper enjoyed the diversion nearly as much as Emmett, his plan wasn't as effective as he'd hoped. Emmett caught up to Jasper less than a half hour after Jasper left Emmett in his typical post-orgasmic haze. Emmett was more discreet this time, and trailed Jasper thousands of miles without the other vampire's notice.

When they arrived in Limon Bay, Emmett realized Jasper's intention to cross through the Panama Canal. He also recognized it would be quite difficult to use the canal himself without alerting Jasper to his presence.

Emmett would need a very clever costume indeed.

So while Jasper waited for the first set of canal locks to open, Emmett returned to sea and quickly located a large, elderly bull shark, which he first drank, and then unceremoniously gutted and climbed inside. Sure, Emmett realized his sharkskin suit was a little on the gross side, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

Emmett flapped his new fins a bit and got acclimated to his disguise before heading back to the canal and the unsuspecting Jasper.

Jasper first realized that he wasn't alone when humans along the banks of the canal started pointing and crying out in fear. They were alarmed because of the large shark that had entered the canal and had begun behaving rather strangely. In fact, it almost seemed to be toying with the humans—performing increasingly acrobatic maneuvers, humming the theme from Jaws, and juggling hermit crabs, all of which were very unlike the typically skittish bull shark.

The already suspicious Jasper put two and two together when he swam closer and couldn't smell the shark's blood but instead picked up traces of Emmett's scent.

Knowing they had time before the canal locks opened, Jasper decided to have a bit of fun with the faux shark. He swam down to the bottom of the bay and promptly dropped his shorts to start jerking off. He put on quite the show for his nonmate; he even mouthed the words "Emmett" and "Fuck me, you muscle-bound god" as the interested shark-clad vampire swam ever closer to get a better look.

Emmett was only able to resist Jasper's display for so long.

Soon, Emmett gave up his pretense and swam directly in front of Jasper and opened the shark mouth to peer out between the rows of teeth as Jasper worked his cock with his fist. And when Emmett met Jasper's knowing gaze and offered to help, Jasper quickly agreed.

This is why, moments later, Jasper could be seen at the bottom of the bay, thrusting repeatedly into the mouth of his nonmate's bull shark disguise. Emmett was simply in far too much of a hurry to get his lips around Jasper to disrobe from his costume. And while Jasper was momentarily perturbed by the slime factor, he got over it quickly because Emmett gave a hell of a blowjob.

It didn't take long for the two vampires to realize they had a good deal of time to kill as they waited for the locks to open as they progressed through the canal.

After Emmett traded his shark costume for his birthday suit and washed himself thoroughly, they decided to make the most of their time together.

They engaged in some enthusiastic sixty-nine action as they waited at Barbacoa Turn. At Cucaracha Reach, Emmett received a lovely massage with the help of a reluctant sea turtle who meandered by at the wrong time. And Emmett was even allowed to pass through Jasper's canal as they waited for Pedro Miguel Locks.

But when they finally reached the end of the canal and the Pacific Ocean, it was once again every vampire for himself.

Emmett took an early lead, but Jasper shadowed him and—thanks to a clever maneuver on Jasper's part involving a giant squid that he squeezed at the right moment to capture Emmett in a pool of ink—the two vampires were still tied as they passed the Baja Peninsula.

They passed along the California coastline nearly incident-free, though Emmett was held up momentarily near Los Angeles when he was caught off-guard by the exquisite beauty of a male seahorse giving birth to his newly hatched babies, and Jasper accidentally kicked a shrimp off the coast of San Francisco.

A few hundred miles north of that unfortunate incident, the salinity of the water decreased, alerting Jasper that he'd passed Oregon's Columbia River and had nearly reached the border to Washington state. This excited him immensely, as he was growing a bit tired of being in the water, and this far north the sea life was becoming far less interesting. It was this apparently offensive observation that, once iterated to a Pacific Humpback, led to him being swallowed and then shot out of the whale's blowhole and high into the air. At least the whale aimed him in the direction of Forks.

Jasper didn't return to apologize, but instead used the momentum to his advantage and continued north, keeping further opinions on the bland sea life to himself.

The extra push helped Jasper enough that he and Emmett were again neck and neck as they continued north along the rocky coastline.

They were so close, in fact, that Emmett grew concerned enough to use his backup plan.

The first step was easy: ambushing Jasper.

Emmett hid in a large rocky crevice to wait, taking the opportunity to peel off a rather ballsy starfish that had attached itself to his left ass cheek.

When Jasper swam by, Emmett reached out and snagged his ankles in a surprise move that resulted in Jasper swallowing more than a little saltwater. Before Jasper could fully recover, Emmett pressed Jasper up against the rocky ledge and tore off the bathing suit that had somehow made it the first 98% of the journey.

"Fuck!" Jasper cried.

"Okay!" Emmett agreed.

He proceeded to fuck Jasper into an erotic oblivion.


And then once more for luck.

Of course, while Emmett took care to ensure they both had a lovely time, his true intent was to fuck Jasper so hard that he'd be sore enough that he'd struggle to swim the remaining 30 miles at top speed, thereby ensuring Emmett's victory.

It would have been a good plan, except Emmett didn't account for his own tendency to wallow once sated. And the third time had truly done Emmett in. He could barely move as he slumped to the ocean floor, and completely failed in his attempt to pull Jasper along with him. (Emmett had wanted desperately to spoon with his nonmate for a while in a nearly-but-not-exactly-loving manner.)

Jasper would have none of Emmett's cuddling, but instead quickly located a soft fluffy seal and swam it back to Emmett, who lay sprawled out and deeply satisfied on the sandy bottom. After all, Emmett clearly wanted to snuggle and Jasper wasn't heartless. But neither was he about to lose the race; the seal could stand in for him and cuddle with Emmett for a while.

After a sloppy kiss goodbye, Jasper left Emmett and the seal and began the last leg of his journey home.

While it was certainly true that Jasper had originally looked forward to making the long trip alone, he found himself a little saddened as he completed the final miles of his journey solo. Emmett had proved to be an unexpectedly good traveling companion. He was endlessly entertaining, and of course, always up for a sexual foray. But even more, Emmett had been a good friend. He'd been present even when Jasper hadn't known he was there, and had comforted Jasper when he had accidentally punted a helpless crustacean directly into the open mouth of a seagull.

Jasper tried not to mope as he swam the final distance and arrived at La Push beach. Taking his first steps onto the sand, he rather longed for Emmett to come barreling up behind him, carrying on in his usual Emmett fashion. He could almost feel Emmett grabbing his waist and lifting him into the air to carry Jasper above his head while he ran the remainder of the way to their house.

Jasper would kick and squirm and yell and try to get free of course, but he wouldn't really want to. But he'd do it, because it was part of their show. If he didn't, people would start to think he and Emmett were mates.

And they weren't.

Definitely not.

Except maybe a little in an "only when no one (not even they themselves) is looking" kind of way.

Jasper kicked some shells as he headed up the beach, locating a towel and some clothing Edward had left waiting on a rock so he wouldn't have to see them come back naked.

Jasper groaned. Why had he even wanted to win the race anyway? He didn't care that Emmett was dominant. Jasper knew Emmett would never do anything Jasper didn't want. And Jasper knew Emmett paid more attention to Jasper's needs than he let on.

Oh well. There was nothing to do now but go home. Jasper tried to revel in his victory, but couldn't get into it without Emmett there to taunt and share it with.

"Fuck," Jasper cursed.

"Okay!" a booming voice called back.

Jasper whirled around in time to see Emmett coming up out of the water. He was all glistening and wet and naked and sparkling and Jasper kinda loved it.

Sure enough, after shaking some water out of his ears, Emmett ran up the beach and picked up Jasper. And Jasper kicked and clawed and gave Emmett a wet Willie as Emmett almost-a-little lovingly smacked Jasper's ass and tickled his side before jogging off toward Forks with Jasper over his shoulder.

"Oh, by the way, I want you to shower and meet me in my bedroom in 45 minutes," Emmett told Jasper as they reached their front yard.

Jasper was entirely confused. "I don't think so," he informed Emmett. "I'm calling the shots now. So I want you in my room...in 40 minutes."

Emmett snorted as he put Jasper down. "No way, dude. It's all about what I want now. Better get used to it. 2011 is the year my dick rules your world."

"What the fuck? I won, you stupidass blowfish. What the hell are you talking about?" Jasper demanded.

"No, you didn't, my horny little stingray. You broke the rules. So, by default, I win," Emmett explained.

"I did not!" Jasper huffed.

"Did too." Emmett insisted. "You left the water."

"Did not!" Jasper protested.

"Did too. Or did you forget about the little flight you took courtesy of the Humpback?" Emmett replied calmly.

"That doesn't count, asshole," Jasper said in disbelief.

"Does too."

"Does not!"

"Does too!"

"Does not!"




Edward let go of Bella's hand and pinched his nose.

"What's wrong?" Bella asked, biting her thumbnail.

Edward just shook his head as he stood up from where he'd been kneeling on the floor. They'd been having a perfectly delightful afternoon together; Edward had been permitted to place chaste kisses on Bella's delicate fingertips as she flipped through Pride and Prejudice while eating Poptarts.

The romantic ambiance had dissipated rapidly with Jasper and Emmett's return. At first it was simply their thoughts that had been a mood killer for Edward. But now even Bella could hear them carrying on in the front yard. At least she couldn't hear the details—for that Edward was grateful. He cringed when he heard the telltale sounds of slurping and suction.

"Stay here. I've got to go deal with them," Edward told Bella, rolling his eyes at the immaturity of his coven members. "They're having a fight. And if I don't go settle the dispute, it's likely to get ugly."

Knowing Jasper and Emmett's arguments generally resulted in a great deal of nudity, Edward hurried down the stairs, hopeful he could stop the argument before additional genitals were exposed. He'd already heard the sound of one penis slapping about and didn't want to give them time to add another.

But when Edward opened the front door, he realized he was too late. The two were already completely naked and going at it full steam on the lawn. He shuddered.

"Stop! C'mon! Fuck, at least go inside!" Edward called from the porch, trying not to listen to their thoughts, which were possibly more explicit than the scene before him. "Jesus Christ! Stop!"

Emmett and Jasper ignored him completely.

"Don't make me get the hose!" Edward threatened.

This earned Edward a laugh. Jasper and Emmett had, after all, just spent the last day and a half in the ocean. A little hose water might even be pleasant at this point.

When his hose idea failed to do the trick, Edward looked around for another way to stop them. Eventually he settled on the colorful plastic bucket and shovel he'd brought back from Isle Esme, but hadn't yet had time to clean.

Emmett barely noticed the blue shovel bouncing off his head as he concentrated instead on his thrusting and the way Jasper's eyes were rolling back into his head as he lay on the grass with his knees pressed against his chest.

Deciding drastic measures were in order, Edward scooped up some stowaway sand that had found its way back to Forks and placed it in his red bucket. He then crept over to the mating nonmates and proceeded to dump the bucket of sand directly on top of their genitals.

When Bella heard the sharp increase in screeching and shrieking that came from the front lawn, she ignored it and stayed put as Edward had told her to. After all, such sounds were not uncommon at the Cullen house.

As such, Bella remained blissfully unaware that Edward had become intimate with a blue plastic shovel—and hadn't even required it to marry him first.