What's your password, baby?
Tifa Lockheart was giving the look. You know, the look that makes kittens shiver in the warmest of sunshine and freshly bloomed flowers wither in late spring. It was pretty damn frightening (not as frightening as Vincent's ultimate death glare but still!) and made the recipient think that there were gonna be some awful, bone-chilling consequences. Yuffie Kisaragi wasn't like other recipients, oh no, and so she was nonplussed by this glare. She was a brave soul—hell, the bravest ninja to ever traverse Gaia!—and no crazy Tifa stare was gonna stop someone as bad ass as her.
"You shouldn't be going through Vincent's stuff." Oh, was that disappointment lacing her voice? Yuffie cared little.
"Hey! He's the one who broke my laptop so that gives me automatic rights to use his!" she retorted.
"He didn't break your laptop. You broke it in his presence," Tifa replied, placing one hand on her hip as her other hand shook an angry index finger at her. "Which doesn't justify why you can steal his laptop without his knowing and go through all his things!"
"Tifa! I would never!" Yuffie gasped sarcastically in her direction before turning back to the screen with an evil smirk. "He better have some naughty pics on here or—oh my God, he probably has vampire porn!"
"Yuffie, you and I know that Vincent is celibate—or so I hope," Tifa continued, shaking off bad images of Vincent Valentine in naughty positions with unnamed women. "Now, Vincent is a guest at Seventh Heaven, which is my establishment! If you don't return it right now, I'll…I'll report you for theft!"
"Ha! Good one, Teef," Yuffie snickered, booting up the computer. "Ooh, he's got the newest Mango product! Fancy bastard." As Tifa once again gave her the look, Yuffie merely returned it with a look of her own. "Tifa. You're just as curious as I am but you want to seem like you're on the moral high ground. Get off your fucking high chocobo and accept that I'm hacking this bitch whether you like it or not."
"Fine," she growled, conceding quicker than Yuffie expected. "But when Vincent finds out, you better not pull me into this!"
"Now why would I do that?" the ninja chirped sweetly before that saccharine smile turned into a frown. "What? The tool has the computer locked with a password!" She turned to Tifa, gaping at her. "That noob shouldn't even know how to put a security lock on this fine piece of technology in the first place! Wasn't he born in the 1700s?"
This caused Tifa to let out an exasperated sigh.
"Alright, let's see," Yuffie continued, getting back to the subject at hand. "This should be a piece of cake! Who's always at the forefront of that batty, dusty brain of his?"
"Lucretia," Tifa and Yuffie said at the same time.
"L-u-c-r-e-t-i-a. That's how you spell it, right?"
"Yep," Tifa replied, going back to cleaning her glasses.
Looks like someone is over her little PMS session, Yuffie thought as she pressed the enter button.
ERROR. INCORRECT PASSWORD.
"Whoa, it's wrong!" she exclaimed. "Maybe the old fart is maturing? Huh. Why, I never thought I'd see the day." She paused briefly. "Alright, so if it's not Lucy, maybe it's Shelke?"
"That's a good guess," Tifa replied.
"S-h-e-l-k-e. That's gotta be it."
ERROR. INCORRECT PASSWORD.
"Cocksucker," she grumbled, not enjoying the flashing screen of rejection. "Fine. Then my next guess is Cerberus. C-e-r-b-e-r-u-s. This HAS to be it."
ERROR. INCORRECT PASSWORD.
"Balls! Fine. How about Death Penalty—wait, the password can't be that long! Vinny, you fiend!" she cried. "Any other guesses?"
"How about your own name?" Tifa asked, smirking roguishly. "He is quite enamored with you."
"Yeah, and Cloud's hair will stop defying gravity," she snorted, flushing a bright pink regardless. She might as well try. Y-u-f-f-i-e.
ERROR. INCORRECT PASSWORD.
"HA! It's not my name. Maybe it's yours, Teefy darling?" she taunted. T-i-f-a.
"WHAT!" Yuffie shrieked, eyes wide as she looked from the computer to Tifa, who looked at her curiously. It then dawned on her why Yuffie was upset, which caused the glass in her right hand to slip and crash on the floor. "No way!"
"He…he can't…I…what?" Tifa babbled, quite confused as she jumped over the shards of glass on the floor to Yuffie's side. "You're kidding me!"
"It was—he—dammit, it has to be your boobs!" Yuffie wailed, leaning back in the booth dramatically. "Of course he doesn't like me! I'm annoying and a thief and a completely badass with a B-cup and you, Teef, are like little Miss Perfect! You own a bar, you have huge tits, you're the nicest person EVER, and you're, like, so motherly! Why would he like a brat like me?"
"But it's Vincent!" Tifa cried. "He's handsome and all, but—but I'm in love with Cloud!" Her hands ruffled her hair in a frenzy as she tried to find a way out of this newest development.
"But you can't let him down!" Yuffie replied, voice rising with panic. "If you tell Vincent that you can't be with him, he'll go completely suicidal! You saw what happened with him and that Lucy chick!"
"I can't believe this is happening!" Tifa muttered after a moment, taking her hands away from her head to pinch the bridge of her nose. "Wake up, Tifa. Wake up, wake up, wake up."
"I can't believe that password worked!" Yuffie wailed, still in disbelief. At nearly the same moment in time, the women buried their heads in their folded arms on the table to hide away from the world.
The front bell made a soft 'chink!' but the two didn't page attention. They were too focused on writhing in agony, trying to figure a way out of the mess that they just happened to stumble in. Yuffie nearly jumped out of her seat as she heard a dark sigh.
"Is there anything wrong?"
"V-Vincent!" Yuffie shrieked as she turned to look at the newly arrived gunman, face blazing a fine red color. He had his arms crossed and a not-so-pleasant look in his eye. She wouldn't be surprised if he were tapping those humongous golden death trap shoes of his in disapproval too. "Of course not, vamp!"
"Where did you get that computer?" he asked, voice low and husky and—oh, how she could lose herself in that voice! But that wasn't the topic at hand here; she had to stay alert! She couldn't let him know that the two had figured out he had a massive crush on Tifa, a crush large enough to make him dedicate his laptop password to the busty barmaid.
"I just found it," she blurted. "It was, err, in the living room."
"Or in my bedroom," he replied, glaring at her. "If I could have it back—how did you two log in?"
"Err…" Tifa began, trying to figure out a way to get out of this one.
"Vincent, we know your secret," Yuffie blurted. He raised an eyebrow curiously. She could tell by the slight twitch in his left eye that he didn't want to play games, but Gawd! How could they get out of this one? In most cases she would run off, but she absolutely knew that Vincent would stalk and hunt her until the secret came out. No matter how kickass of a ninja she was, she didn't want to deal with that.
"My secret?" he asked. "Pray tell, Yuffie, what is that?"
"I—well—I can't put this any other way! You have a ginormous crush on—"
A large crash distracted the three and interrupted Yuffie as they looked towards the back of the room. A few seconds later, Cloud entered their occupied area from behind the bar. He removed his goggles and placed them on the bar's surface.
"The newest shipment of alcohol is in," he announced, ruffling his spiky blond locks briefly. "I heard something about Vincent having a secret from the back. So?"
"Yes, what is my secret?" Vincent asked, eyes narrowed. Damn, he returned to the subject! She was hoping that Cloud would distract him long enough to forget the entire scenario.
"I—err—ah," Yuffie fumbled, glancing at Tifa who seemed equally as out of words.
"Better question," Cloud intervened as Vincent's glare made them squirm. "What are they doing with my laptop?"
"YOUR laptop?" Tifa and Yuffie asked loudly, eyes wide. He nodded, quite confused.
"I asked Vincent to set up the security on it. He's better with computers than I am," Cloud replied, appearing baffled at how they seemed to balk at the idea that it was his laptop.
"The women asked to borrow it," Vincent covered for them, turning to glance at Cloud. "May I have mine back?"
"Yeah, it's still in Fenrir. I'll be back," Cloud replied. Tifa watched him go with burning red cheeks as Yuffie wore the largest grin of her life. Vincent placed his palm on the booth table and hovered over them.
"Yuffie, if you go through my things again without permission, I won't be so lenient," he warned. "I'm not covering for the two of you again."
"…his password is my name…?" Tifa asked bewilderedly, gazing towards the heavens with a starry look on her face. Yuffie rolled her eyes as she looked at Vincent.
"May I borrow your laptop, butt face?" The dirty look he gave her didn't deter her. "Ok, finneee! Can I use your laptop, Vinny?"
"Why don't you use Cloud's?"
"He won't let me touch it," she scoffed as Cloud returned with the laptop. "Hey Cloud! Can I use your laptop?"
"See?" Yuffie asked smartly, giving Vincent a pointed look as he thanked Cloud for his piece of technology. The Chocobo headed fool then grabbed his laptop from the table, pausing to look over Tifa.
"…is she all right?"
"She'll be fine," Yuffie waved it off, never straying her eyes from Vincent's. "Please? Please, please, please, please—"
"Fine," he allowed grudgingly.
"What's your password?" she asked. A strange gleam appeared in his eyes as he bent down to her level, his lips delightfully brushing the lobe of her right ear.
"VINNY!" she shrieked, slapping him away from her. He tried hard to keep a straight face as he backed away from the booth, but that failed epically with the presence of his smug smirk.
"I'll help you unload your shipment, Cloud," Vincent offered.
"Oh, sure," Cloud replied, still looking quite confused. "Are you sure she'll be all right?"
"She'll be fine," Vincent replied, echoing Yuffie's words. Yuffie glared at the gunslinger as he left with Cloud by his side. Once she was sure he was gone, she opened his laptop.
"Butthead better be lying…" she muttered under her breath. Her heart thumped rapidly in her chest as she secretly prayed to Levithian that he wasn't lying.
Hours later, Marlene and Denzel stood in front of the booth observing the two Avalanche ladies with strange looks on their faces.
"You think they're all right?" Marlene inquired. Denzel cringed as Yuffie gave a love struck sigh, her fingers resting limply on Vincent's computer keys. Tifa still stared at the heavens, her neck resting on the back of the booth as she too mimicked Yuffie's smitten sigh.
"Adults are weird," Denzel announced. Marlene merely nodded in agreement.
I should be writing a film analysis. GODDAMN YOU, FANFICTION, WHY CAN'T YOU APPLY TO REAL LIFE.