His mouth opens and he tries to form words with his dry tongue. "Ky-..." Mira swallows air and tries again, his half-bitten finger nails chomping into the creased note the man left behind. "Kyousuke..."
Tears smear underneath the shadows of his heavy eyes with every blink. His stomach hardens, like fingers curling into a fist; from vulerable, to dangerous. His perfect peach lips shiver across tightly clinched teeth.
With frantic eyes, he reads the note again.
I've gone out for awhile to meet with a filming director.
I may be late, so please just make enough dinner for yourself.
I won't be home in time.
I love you.
Several tears manage to reach his chin; they cluster and fall as one, smacking the paper with a wet kiss.
"No, no...!" he wails, shaking his head in the empty bedroom. He falls back against the front of the bed, his head knocking into the footboard. "Why? After all this time?" he says. "Why am I not good enough for you?"
He breaks out into sobs, wadding the note up with both hands before throwing it across the room. Curling his arms around his knees, he begins to whisper. "You told me I was the only one for you... That you're just a pretender..."
His grip tightens around himself. "So why...? Why are you doing things you dont have to do- why are you still acting like I mean nothing to you?" His eyes close, and more human rain falls. "Why...?" he mumbles miserably. "When I love you... Papa...?"
But what if he really doesn't?
Mira's head shoots up, his eyes suddenly wide with horror.
He's an actor, after all. He could be telling you the same thing he tells everyone else.
"N-no..." he says hoarsely. "Kyousuke's just seeing a film director, that's all-"
Not an 'AV' actor, you once said. But you don't know for sure.
At first, Mira cannot speak, his heart beating strangely within him. Calming himself down, he stares ahead and says to no-one, "We were made for each other." He smiles. "He'd never betray me."
You are related by blood.
"Nothing wrong with that-"
Your acts are a sin against nature.
"I-..." Mira's face reddens. "I... What?"
Father and son are not meant to be lovers.
"T-the Creation can love the Creator!"
Papa doesn't love you.
He gasps quietly.
Papa rapes you.
Mira screams out of denial, which breaks the tension into a hundred pieces and sprinkles into Mira's mind. Mira groands loudly, his hands bracing against his skull with anger. "Stop talking!" he shouts. His body shivers with fear, and the "voice" leaves him.
"P-pleeease..." he mutters. His voice cracks as more tears begin to burn in his eyes. "Please don't say bad things about him. Papa loves me... Kyousuke is my lover. I love him..." He looks up at the ceiling.
He stands up slowly, his gaze on the slow rotating fan above him. "...If he really does love me, he'd put cameras all over the house to watch my every move." Mira reasons. "He would want to gaze at me 24/7. He's probably doing it right now, in secret, watching me from hundreds of miles away..."
Mira smiles and waves at the ceiling fan. "Konnichiwa, Papa! Ai shi teru (I love you)!" He looks away to the small nightstand and walks over to it, one hand reaching outwards expectantly. He opens the drawer and pulls out a gun.
"That means... He'll make a phone call to me, or he'll jump out of his hiding place to save me when I act like I'm going to kill myself."
Mira prepares the gun, then clicks it into firing-mode. "Are you watching me, Kyosouke!" he shouts. "I love you! And I know you love me! So prove to me you're not seeing somebody else, and save me!"
He lets out a rough chuckle, then aims the gun at his head. With a firm smile stretched out on his face, Mira stands perfectly still in the bedroom, a gun digging into his face. Like this, he waits.
At five minutes, Mira's fingers itch.
As ten approached, Mira begins to cry silent tears.
By now, thirty minutes passed, Mira is crying so much, he can no longer stand it; all the while he has been rolling the film of his Papa making love to imaginary men- to women- to anyone but Mira.
He can feel Kyosouke's pleasure, his warm, smooth skin, his flawless movements- he can see Kyousuke kissing the lips of every single person in his high-school.
It's too much for Mira.
With a strangled, pained cry of his lover's name, he pulls the trigger.