Rating: K (there's a tiny mention of snogging)

Disclaimer: They aren't mine, they belong to the BBC, and the other's mentioned belong to themselves (You'll see what I mean.)

Author's Note: I mentioned this in another of my fics (Picking Teams) and couldn't get the idea out of my head. I wrote this very quickly so it would leave me alone and its not been beta read so all errors are mine.

Snog Watch

It had been a week since Jack had returned from wherever he'd been, and an uneasy truce of sorts had fallen among the Torchwood Team; if by truce you meant that his team had simply got fed up of receiving no answers so had just stopped asking the questions.

It was Friday evening, well known to Jack from before his departure as "the night they all try to skive off early" and as seven o clock rolled around he found himself waiting for the plethora of excuses to spill from his team. Usually it was Owen to start, generally something about going to the dentist (it was a wonder he had any teeth left) then next would be Gwen spinning a sad tale that she had forgotten what Rhys looked like. Ianto and Tosh would leave it a bit longer, and tried the subtle approach, their sad eyes following him silently around the hub, looking like kicked puppies, until he couldn't bear to look at them anymore and sent them home.

As if on cue, Owen appeared at the office door and threw a file towards Jack.

"My report on that weevil." He commented.

Jack waited, glancing over the report as he did so, for Owen's latest excuse, instead he was met only with silence. Slowly he glanced up, and was shocked to find that the young medic had disappeared back into the hub. With a shake of his head he turned his attention back to his report.


Below in the hub, the Captain had practically been forgotten by his team as they prepared for the evening ahead. Ianto was on the phone ordering pizza, (vegetarian for Tosh and himself, ham and pineapple for Gwen, meat feast for Owen, spicy supreme for Jack) while Owen and Gwen wrestled seats from around the room to line up in front of the bank of monitors at Tosh's desk and Tosh herself ferried a selection of bottled lager and assorted soft drinks from the fridge to an ice filled bucket in front of the seats.

"Pizza will be an hour," Ianto announced. "They send their best to Jack."

"God isn't sad that people know the intricacies of our comings and goings by our pizza order?" Owen noted.

"Well if certain idiots order pizza to Torchwood, then it's bound to happen!" Gwen pointed out, settling into a seat and passing out the beers.

"Not for me," Tosh declined, "I am tonight's designated Weevil Hunt Chauffeur." She and Owen also took their seats.

"Hurry up Tea Boy, its starting!" Owen yelled.

Ianto appeared, tossing a bag to Owen as he passed.

"Peanuts?" the medic commented, "Good shout!"

Gwen wrestled the bag from him.

"Share the wealth Owen!" she cried with a laugh.

"Shhh!" Tosh hushed them, smiling as they fell obediently silent, "Who's up first?"


The hub had been disturbingly quiet for the last half hour, and Jack began to wonder if his team had just deactivated the door alarm and left of their own accord. He had returned to find a surprisingly cohesive team at Torchwood – even Owen and Ianto seemed to be getting along – and he wouldn't have put a coordinated escape attempt past them.

Idly he wondered what had happened to improve their often strained relationship – maybe Gwen had taken them all on a Police Team Building Course? Somehow he doubted it. But there was definitely something different. Ianto had been out in the field with them for a start and had clearly been trusted by everyone, Owen included. They all now seemed to share both a sense of purpose and even, perhaps more confusingly, a sense of humour. Jack wondered what they had all found to laugh at while he'd been gone.

He walked out to the gangway, and stopped short in surprise at what he found.

There, all together, clustered round the CCTV feed of central Cardiff were his team. They were all grinning broadly, bottles in hand, barring Ianto, who appeared to be holding a child's microphone toy.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen," his voice was serious, "Welcome to Snog Watch, which tonight comes to you live from Cardiff. I am your host Bill Oddie, and with me are Kate Humble,"

"Hello" said Tosh leaning into the microphone and giggling slightly.

"Chris Packham."

"Evening," Owen greeted, without a trace of embarrassment.

"And our special guest tonight, Charlotte Church."

The decorum broke as Gwen exclaimed,

"Charlotte Church, Ianto? You had the whole of celebrity-dom to go at and you went for Charlotte Church?"

"Well I thought she'd be an expert at Cardiff nightlife see Gwen?"

"Teaboy's got you there love."

Jack was confused, what the hell were his team doing? And what on earth was Snog Watch?

Ianto began to speak again, apparently narrating to the images of the CCTV in front of them.

"Well here on Bute Street we have the Common Lager Louse, crawling out of his local in search of prey. His progress is slow tonight as he apparently appears to have been impeded by a bin. What do you think Chris?"

"Well Bill, this species isn't known for its intelligence, you wouldn't be able to train it to perform tricks for example, and it does appear to having difficulty in navigating its way around the dustbin... oh there we go, he's managed it. He's now approaching his prey... the group of Long Legged Orange Tits congregated on the corner. What do you think Kate, will he be successful?"

"Well Chris, normally a Long Legged Orange Tit would prefer the mating call of a Great Crested Poser, however you'll note that the one on the left hasslightly duller plumage, and a sadder expression than her companions, and you'll recall that last week she was abandoned by her mate in a courting ritual outside a nightclub after her ridiculously high heel broke in a gutter, so that fall in social status means she may well fall for the lager louses' charms today!"

"Good memory Tosh," Owen complimented, Tosh flushed prettily. "What do you think Charlotte?"

Gwen ramped up her Welsh accent a few degrees,

"Well I'd say that she's fallen head over heels for the mating call of the Louse. See how they have already moved away from the flock to engage in a cheeky grope in the alleyway entrance... She how she can't fail to respond to the dominant male's cheeky bum squeeze and submissively lets him stick his tongue down her throat...hold on" her accent dropped to normal as she pointed to a shadow deep within the alley in the corner of the screen, "is that a Weevil?"

All four of them leapt up. Tosh grabbed the keys to the SUV as they ran to the portal, Owen shouted for Jack while Gwen and Ianto began to type frantically into PDA's. Jack shook his head as he descended the stairs, trying not to laugh out loud at Ianto's soft voice.

"And that's all for this week, join us at the same time next week for more, Snog Watch!"

It wasn't the conventional way to keep an eye out on the Friday night drinking crowd. But if it worked for his team, then who was Jack to argue?