For arachnes_web on lj for her bid on help_nz

He was going to sign a treaty with America; America, the beautiful, the bountiful, the bodacious (well, maybe not as bodacious as other nations like Ukraine but… hey, he didn't have knockers of his own, so every chick was bodacious to him).

Sure it was for protection, but he'd already sort of made amends with Japan… and then… America.

It wasn't like he hadn't interacted with America before, oh no, far from it. Australia believed he and America were quite chummy in fact, he'd go so far as to call her one of his best mates.

There was something about the way she carried herself that was… unusual, so candid and without false appearances. Australia was so accustomed to having people put up facades around him, for whatever reason. England was a grump by nature; to see him so reserved and refined at meetings with their politicians kind of pissed him off, so he'd always make sure to leave a little surprise in his shoes next time they met.

Formality was something he wasn't fond of, tried to avoid most of the time. That's why he had instantly taken a liking to America. The moment she shouted "HI!" and clapped him on his back, his heart had stopped beating, manifested a mouth and told his brain 'bloke's in love'.

So to be signing a treaty with her was… pretty decent, he thought. Getting closer to her would be required and he definitely wasn't complaining.

It was a bit of a shame that New Zealand was involved; he couldn't keep America all to himself. Despite his mild disappointment, New Zealand had been elated at the prospect of interacting closely with another female nation, so it wasn't all bad. She got that cute flush in her cheeks, like the one she got when she handled newborn lambs or inspected finely crafted jade.

God; two beautiful nations…

At first he spent a few days away from the pollies, in the bush, looking up at the warbling magpies as he mulled over the treaty.

Yeah, it would be good, bettering his relations with New Zealand somehow, even though he couldn't understand how his friendly rivalry with her could get any better (he was going to thrash her in rugby if it killed him).

And yeah, it would be great to get to know America better. He really wanted to take her out bush, go camping, show her how to eat bush tucker, immerse her in his Indigenous culture before showing her the high life of Melbourne or the intrigue of Perth or Sydney, the real city of lights. He knew she was the type of nation to appreciate that.

But he was still nervous. What if America didn't like him? He was still a young nation, not as young as New Zealand, and even America wasn't as old as the pommy bastard, but she still seemed more in-tune with the whole relations deal.

It wasn't until a day before the signing, when England stomped into the lounge room Australia had been occupying, did his worries dispel.

"Never in my life- I thought I taught her better!" grumbled he, huffing about the room like a child.

Australia had quirked an eyebrow. "You alright, England? You look like a possum just shat on ya."

"Quiet you." England paced in a very angular circle. "I'm trying to think."

Australia watched England 'think'. He tried his best to hold in the chuckle making its way up from his throat, created by amusement at how much England resembled a grumpy wombat lumbering around. Ultimately he failed.

England scowled at him. "What in blazes is so funny-?" He suddenly paused. When he began talking again, Australia wasn't so sure about the wicked smile on his face. "Say, Australia… You must be looking forward to this… treaty."

"Yeah, I guess-"

"Mmhmm, yes yes. You must be, especially which nations such as New Zealand and America." He nodded, quite sure of himself.

This perked up Australia's curiosity. "What're you talkin' 'bout you ol' pom?"

England's eyebrow twitched… Or at least, Australia thought it twitched. He couldn't really tell half the time, there was just so much hair there that one couldn't be too sure. "I thought we discussed calling me a 'pom'."

"M' sorry, didjya say something bastard?" Australia grinned haughtily.

"…Yes, I suppose it's not important right now anyway. No matter," England slid into the seat Australia already occupied, positively brimming with mischief, "I'm sure they'd enjoy such dirty talk."

Dirty talk? "O-Oh? What d'ya mean?"

"Well you'll have to use all your skills if you're going to satisfy the both of them. They can't take on all the work you know."

Was England talking about what he thought he was talking about? "England, what the hell are you goin' on about?"

"Sex, Australia, sex." England's wicked smile was now a full blown evil grin. Australia didn't know he had so many teeth. "Oh? Did I forget to tell you? Silly me. You see alliances and treaties, they often mean intimacy in government and military, and intimacy in government and military often means intimacy- physical intimacy between nations."


"Not with me, idiot! With them!"

Now, Australia normally wouldn't buy such bullshit.

If such bullshit had come from the mouth of… say, France, he definitely wouldn't buy it. In fact, the mouth of France could tell him that water was wet and he'd still check.

If such bullshit had come from the mouth of a nation like India, he probably would have believed it.

But such bullshit had come from the mouth of England.

England was a pompous ass who masked it with a 'gentleman' title and who paraded around with his stiff upper lip and cried like a baby when he was alone. Australia knew, he'd had to save him numerous times from snakes Australia may or may not have put there in the first place.

And he was also a pervert like France, underneath it all. Australia couldn't be sure with England, who knew what was going on in that head of his. Those eyebrows must hide centuries' worth of secrets and dirty thoughts. There had to be a reason they were so big.

So big that they'd managed to affect himself, New Zealand and numerous other nations… God, couldn't England keep his filth to himself? Australia would never be able to forgive him for that.

That and he just didn't trust England. But England would never lie about something important like this, right?

So Australia thought hard. Who the hell would want to sleep with England? No one would ever want to; surely, it would have had to be for something political like bettering relations.

It was apparent to Australia that England was terrible in bed, if not by the many justifications he heard over the years… just looking at him…obviously something like this physical side of alliances had to be true, or England wouldn't even know about it, let alone be baiting Australia with such sumptuous imaginings, right?

So Australia believed him.

That is why Australia now stood in the room as the treaty was signed with big shiny eyes and his foot tapping impatiently.

"How long does it take to sign some damn paper?" he said under his breath, crossing his arms and frowning.

The treaty wouldn't come into effect for another few months, but he was ready and raring to go, okay?

He'd been thinking about it, ever since England had described, quite vividly, how intimate relations could possibly work between the three of them at the same time. The picture of America… there and New Zealand… there had been ingrained into his vision and he was trying his best to hold his tongue, lest he blurt out something inappropriate like 'are you comfortable with my koala watching?'

From across the room, he could feel America's gaze on him and willed down the beginnings of a problem in his pants.

He was sure those pretty blue eyes were sparkling with mirth. She was probably laughing at him in her head, thinking about how naive he was… Oh he hoped she was as straightforward in bed as she was out in public.

In the other corner of the room, New Zealand sat, sheep in lap and completely focused on watching America. Australia knew they'd had a little one on one time the previous night, just the two of them, by themselves, no one else.

Australia's eyes widened as the image of America and New Zealand making out hit him squarely in his mind's eye's face.

Holy- It would take a little more than sheer will to stop the problem down below.

Quickly he licked his chops and wiped the drool off his chin, just in time as their politicians shook hands and bid them a good day. They left them, the three of them, alone in the room and Australia quaked in his shoes.

This is it… I'm going to have a threesome… I'm going to get laid with America, and New Zealand… I should have told that stupid koala not to wait up for me… Crap I'm going to find him humping the couch again, aren't I?

He looked up, surprised he was looking down in the first place. When he did, he was met with the very eyes he could feel gazing at him before, and just as he thought, they were sparkling with mirth.

"Heya," said America with the sweetest smile Australia had ever seen.

Oh don't tease me…

New Zealand bounded over to them, with her sheep, slight bounce to her breasts. "Kia ora! You ready guys?"

Are you shittin' me? Fuckin' kiwi…

"R-Ready?" Australia swallowed. "For what?"

America shrugged. "I dunno, anything, I just want to get out of here and maybe go somewhere more private… Gee I could really go for something to eat."

Sh-She wants to eat while I root her?

"Er, if ya wanna, not opposed to anything like that-"

"Food sounds brilliant, and after I could show you a couple of the newborn lambs!"

Oh woah, New Zealand is actually into that? Aren't lambs too young for that sort of thing?

"America, New Zealand, wouldn'a bed be more conventional? We should start out easy, yeah?"

America looked at him quizzically, and New Zealand voiced their collective confusion. "What?"

"Ya know… take our time, don't rush into all this fancy kink stuff?"

Again New Zealand voiced their lack of understanding.

"…Aren't we gonna have sex? A bed would be easiest for all three of us, yeah?"

It didn't dawn on Australia that he'd said something odd when New Zealand burst out laughing and nearly strangled her poor sheep blue. Only when he noticed how bright pink America's face had gone, colouring everywhere from the tips of her ears to her neckline did he ask his own 'what?'

New Zealand managed some form of speech between heaving laughter. "As if, bro! We're not going to have sex with you!"


"You're lucky I don't punch you in the face- Oh my- your bullshit is hilarious, I'm gonna spew!" She held onto her stomach tightly, trying to keep her side from splitting in laughter.

Australia sneered, regretting even believing for a second anything his former 'guardian' ever told him. "Oh piss off you stupid whacker, England told me."

"Ah take a hike you-"

"England?" America asked, voice still a little high from embarrassment. "Why would he-?"

"Buggered if I know, stupid pom gave me this whole story n' everythin'." Australia hung his head, a little ashamed of himself, not wanting to explain any further.

"Haha, whatever, bro." New Zealand picked up her sheep with one hand and tucked it under her arm. "I'm going out to check on my sheep while you settle The Croc down there-"

"O-Oi! That's private, dickhead!"

"Not my fault you don't close your door when you wank. You might want to watch what you call out too." And New Zealand was gone with a wink, a fleeting 'baa' left in her wake.

That left Australia standing there, unable to look at America who was still recovering from her 'resembling a flamingo' episode. Awkward didn't even begin to describe how Australia was feeling. Not only did he make a huge fool of himself, but New Zealand just had to rub it in. Somebody was getting a spider in their bed.

Australia swallowed. Didn't mean to… ya know… embarrass you."

"Oh… Oh!" The rest of America's blush completely retreated and she beamed at him. "I wasn't embarrassed! Just surprised! I didn't think you were such a wolf."

It was Australia's turn to blush. "M' not a wolf! 'Don't go perving on girls all the time-!" And now she thought he was only in it for the sex.

"Haha I know I know, I didn't mean it like that just, I didn't think you were so straight forward about these things. You are so a wolf."

Oh. Well… "Yeah I guess, not that fussed 'bout rootin'- I mean, sex n' all that… Never really been embarrassed." Australia smacked himself on the head. "I shoulda known! I know you're not real comfortable with that shit and then England of all fuckin' nations…"

America smiled at him, genuinely. "You thought about how I feel?"

"Well, yeah, you're my mate, 'cause I'd consider that."

"That's very sweet of you!"

Australia brushed it off with a flap of his hand. "Nah it's nuthin', more than what a lot'a other people'd do."

America grabbed him by the arm, ushering him out the room and nearly sending Australia flying with her strength. "Come on! I'm still hungry; maybe we can catch New Zealand before she rides her sheep back home."

"You think she rides sheep?"

"Doesn't she?"

"You know what, she probably does."

They stepped out into the hall and made their way out of the building. America rolled her shoulders, tightening her hold on Australia's arm. "You know, I don't think I've really seen much of your country."


"Yeah… like, all I ever see is concrete, maybe one of these days you could show me what down under is really like?"

"That'd be ace, I'd love to show you 'round my house." He liked where this was going. At least America didn't think he was a complete idiot.

"Mmmhmm." America hid her cheeky smile from Australia and leaned against his arm. "I'd love to see your… rugged landscape and… bushlands."

"Yeah I was thinkin' of bringin' you camping some-" Australia paused, stopping America with him. He looked at her faux innocent face, eyes too wide and smile too cheesy. "If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were flirtin' with me."

"Flirting?" America punched him in the arm playfully, maybe a little more powerful than intended. "Silly Aussie, maybe you really are a wolf, preying on little ol' innocent me."

"Right, and England's not a lying no-good pom."

"You still sore over that?"

"Just fuckin' pissed I had to go make a tool out of myself."

America patted his arm. "Don't worry, I'll have a little talk with him- but right now I'm still hungry!"

"Yeah the more you talk about it, the hungrier I'm gettin'. Saw some cute burger joint this mornin', you wanna try there?

America squeezed his arm, absolutely brimming with excitement. "YES, sounds to die for! I think I've been there before and oh God, their food's amazing!"

"I'll shout ya. Then maybe we can ditch New Zealand and take a cable car. Always wanted to try them and… we could, ya know, get to know each other more."

America grinned. "Why Australia, I don't think I've ever met any wolf like you before."

"Could be your wolf," said Australia before realising he had. Smooth, Mr. Tact.

"I don't doubt you could," she replied with a pat to his shoulder that sent something akin to electrical sparks off in his chest. Maybe he should listen to England's bullshit more often.

She made to walk again before pausing, again nearly sending Australia tumbling forward. "You know what, you go on ahead," she said with a hint of mischief in her voice, "I um… need to give a 'friend' a call."

Australia gave a look, one that told her he knew she was up to something. "Okay, I'll wait for you outside, yeah?"

She hummed in confirmation and waited until Australia had left before giggling her way into one of the offices she knew had a telephone. "I hope he's in a devious mood!"


Two weeks after the incident in which Australia felt he had made a fool of himself, New Zealand got a good laugh and America bagged and wrapped a nation around her finger, England received a hand written letter.

He opened and read it as he walked into his living room.

Dear England, it read, I am writing this letter to reprimand you, to thank you and to inform you.

First, I would like to reprimand you for bullying your colonies. England scoffed. Australia doesn't deserve that kind of treatment and neither do I or any of our fellow friends. It's not my fault my boss didn't want you in this treaty! We'll talk about another one later. Stop being such a baby and I'm not fat! England assumed the last part was an after though, judging by how hard America seemed to have pressed.

Secondly, I want to thank you. England furrowed his brow. The outback is amazing, have you ever seen the sun set here? Australia is so good to me, he flips me burgers on his barbecue! You never told me he was such a wolf either! Thanks for the set up England cringed. That hadn't been his intention at all. A perfect plan to potentially embarrass three former colonies went down the drain. Oh well, he'd just have to embarrass them with naked baby sketches or something next meeting.

Finally, I want to inform you that by the time you receive this letter, or maybe after, you should expect a nice surprise. You deserve it.

The United States of America~ England rolled his eyes at her extravagant signature.

He stared at the letter, rereading it a few times and tried to come to terms with its contents? A surprise? What could that possibly-


Oh no. Oh no no no. Oh America didn't.

"England, I have come with a request from America. She asks that I tie you up and let you sample some of the finest fresh escargot!"

England dropped the letter and backed away slowly, inching deeper into his house and closer to his back door. His blood ran cold. "You wouldn't."

"Oh but I would, I never turn down a request from a lady."

"No. France. Listen… I'll- I'll give you prostitutes! Lots and lots of prostitutes! Your pick of the finest in England! Just-"

"Ah, you wound me you horrible Englishman. For that I will complete America's other request! Prepare your eyebrows you hairy fiend!"


America felt a chill run down her spine. She looked around, straining her ears to pick up a faint shrieking noise before her head flopped back onto Australia's chest.

"Do you hear something, Australia?"

Australia shrugged. "Probably a couple'a lorikeets going at it."

"Really? Can we go watch?"

"America," Australia laughed and squeezed America's shoulder. "If any one of us is the wolf, it's you."

The ANZUS Treaty (signed 1951 in San Francisco)was originally a three-way pact between The US, Australia and New Zealand. ANZUS was followed by SEATO, which involved America, Australia, New Zealand, Britain, France, The Philippines, Thailand and Pakistan to combat the 'threat' of communism in 1954.

'Any Wolf Like You' – supposed to be a direct reference to 'The Shooting Of Dan McGoo': a Droopy episode.

Australian slang
Pom/pommy – someone from England.
Root – sex, to fuck
'I'll shout you' – I'll pay, my treat, etc etc

'Kia ora' is a Māori greeting used very often in New Zealand, like I suppose the equivalent of 'G'day' in a way - every kiwi knows it