Title: frogs and snails and puppy dog tails
Summary: Four year old Sammy puts the moves on his big brother's girlfriend.
Pairing: Minor Dean/Ruby and unrequited, puppy!love Sam/Ruby.
Genre: Humor/Family
Rating: K+
Timeline: Sometime in an alternate season six where Dean and Ruby are together.
Spoilers: None.
Warnings: De-aged!Sam and possible fluff overload.
Notes: Title comes from the nursery rhyme What Are Little Boys Made Of?

Disclaimer: I do not own anything.

frogs and snails and puppy dog tails

Written by Becks Rylynn

It starts with a witch.

Of course it starts with a witch. Because this is the life of a Winchester and the life of a Winchester has witches. Next thing you know, Dean's walking into Bobby's with his little brother (no, seriously) in his arms, clinging to his neck like a frightened little monkey. Ruby only looks mildly alarmed at the situation at hand, which Dean thinks is an inappropriate reaction but he figures out pretty quick that she's not flipping out because she honestly doesn't recognize the boy. ''Dean, who's - ''

But then Bobby comes into the room and the little boy in Dean's arms throws his arms up in the air with glee. ''Uncle Bobby!''

A very long minute goes by and then Ruby says, ''Oh, so his hair was always like that, huh?''

Bobby's eyes nearly bug right out of their sockets. ''...Sam?''

The boy bobs his head up and down. ''That's me!''

Dean sighs and shifts the four year old Sam onto his hip, feeling like he should be more weirded out about this than he is. ''Yeah, so...'' He looks at his brother, who smiles up at him innocently. ''...This happened.''

''Uncle Bobby, look!'' Sam squeals. ''Dean got all old and stuff!''

When Ruby bursts into laughter, little Sammy beams at her.

And that's how it starts.

''Is she your wife?''

With her back to them, Ruby cuts in before Dean even has a chance to open his mouth with a vehement, ''Absolutely not.''

Dean frowns. ''Well, you don't have to sound so disgusted by the mere thought of marrying me. Geez.''

She sends him a tight lipped smile in response and grins a much too genuine grin in Sam's direction, setting down a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in front of him. With the crusts cut off. First Dean has a flash of Sam saying, I never got the crusts cut off my PB&J. I just don't look at family the way you do and thinks, Here's your chance, kid. Enjoy it while it lasts. Then he thinks that perhaps Ruby is just a tad too comfortable playing mommy and briefly considers having a panic attack.

He doesn't have a chance to mull these thoughts over, you see, because Sammy suddenly lets out a dreamy sounding sigh and drops his chin into the palm of his hand, staring at Ruby with hearts in his eyes. ''Well, you sure are pretty, Miss Ruby.''

And it doesn't matter that Ruby is sitting next to Dean and her hand is on his knee because she's laughing and blushing at what Sammy has said and that's so not okay. Dean's eyes narrow. Oh, he knows that look on the kid's face. He remembers that look. That is the look Sam always used to use to get what he wanted. That is the look that got him the last of the lucky charms.

Dean doesn't like competition, okay? Especially when it's a cute little four year old with perpetually messy hair and a freaking adorable toothy smile that makes Ruby (of all people) giggle, blush and rethink the ticking of her biological clock. That's just an unfair advantage.

Dean slams his hands down on the table and is momentarily discouraged when Bobby flat out ignores him. ''Fix this!'' He bursts out. ''Fix this right now, Bobby! I don't like it!''

''Get outta my face, boy,'' Bobby responds lazily, turning a page in his book. ''I'm workin' on it.''

''You don't understand!'' Dean wails dramatically. ''The little runt is trying to steal my girlfriend!''

Bobby looks up slowly and his lips twitch. ''...Sometimes I wonder if you hear yourself when you talk.''

''Miss Ruby?''

''Yes, Sammy?''

''Dean taught me how to tie my shoes last week. Wanna see?''

''I'd love to.''

Sammy shoots Dean what can only be described as a purely evil smirk over Ruby's shoulder.

A strangled yelp gets caught in Dean's throat and he looks around to see if anyone else saw that. Unfortunately for him, Bobby's got his nose buried in one of his ancient books and Ruby only has eyes for little Damien over there so Dean's pretty much all alone in this.

''Son of a bitch,'' he mumbles under his breath.

Castiel greets the tiny little Sammy with a casual, ''Hello, Sam,'' and then everybody stares at him. He stares back, looks at Sammy, then at Dean, and says, ''Oh. ...I didn't do it.''

''Miss Ruby thinks I'm adorable,'' Sammy boasts proudly, puffing out his chest. ''Does she think you're adorable, Dean?''

''All right, listen up, Chucky - ''

''Miss Ruby, Miss Ruby! Dean's being mean to me!''


''Dean,'' Cas monotones from outside. ''I need your assistance.''

The last thing he expects to see when he makes his way onto the porch is what he sees. Sammy has somehow managed to climb onto the banister and crawl right onto Cas' back and now he is hanging off of the angel's trench coat, eyes bright and excited as he rambles about searching for wings.

Dean catches Sammy before he falls and holds him up to his face, holding him far enough away that he avoids getting kicked by Sammy's swinging feet. ''So now you're gonna steal him from me too?''

''It's not my fault I'm cute.''

Sammy stares at him intently and Dean squirms under the scrutiny. Sammy tilts his head to the side and taps his chin thoughtfully. ''I'll fight you for her,'' he proposes.

''Nah,'' Dean shakes his head. ''You'll win. You're a biter.''

''Let's get a puppy!''

''And who's going to take care of this puppy, Sam?'' Dean asks, watching as Ruby calmly takes out the box of coco puffs Sammy snuck into the shopping cart and puts them away without Sammy noticing.

''I will!'' Sammy nods matter-of-factly, tossing a box of cookies into the cart. ''And you can help.''

Ruby puts the cookies away without a word.

''I don't know, kid,'' Dean says as they turn down another aisle. ''I'm not sure a puppy is a great idea.'' He watches in utter fascination as Ruby reaches out towards Sammy and effortlessly gets him to grab a box of healthy (and disgusting) oat and granola bars instead of the chocolate covered marshmallow and chocolate chip granola bars he had originally been going for. The kid doesn't even appear to notice what she's done.

''But why not?'' Sammy moans. ''I'm sure the bigger me will take care of it too!''

''If I say no, will you throw a fit?''

''Hey, let's get cotton candy! Will you play catch with me when we get back to Uncle Bobby's?''

Dean blinks. Hello, short attention span. He slides his gaze over to Ruby. ''Did you give him Adderall?''

''Nope. Sammy's just spirited.'' She smiles and ruffles Sammy's hair affectionately. He smiles up at her and doesn't notice that as soon as he tries to go down the aisle with candy in it, she puts her hands on his shoulders and steers him towards the fruit instead. He really must be in love. Either that or Ruby has some weird mind control power.

(Dean grabs for a bag of M&M's in the checkout line because he's not a four year old and he can make his own decisions. Ruby looks at him, sighs, and he comes away empty handed. What kind of sorcery is that?)

Sammy ''falls asleep'' with his head in Ruby's lap while they're watching a movie.

Dean folds his arms and pouts like a petulant child.

Dean feels Bobby's eyes follow his every movement as he stalks into the kitchen, yanks open the fridge, grabs a beer and proceeds to chug it like he's at a frat party. ''You do realize you're jealous of a four year old, right?''

''I am perfectly aware of what I am!''

''Miss Ruby,'' Sammy's voice says from the other room. ''Dean sings Hey Jude to me when I can't sleep. Will you sing to me tonight?''

Dean throws his arms out and throws a pleading look at Bobby. ''Did you hear that? What is that? Little player's moving in on my territory!''

Bobby shakes his head at him. ''I'm embarrassed for you right now.''

And okay, so the kid's a psychotic little freak who is turning Dean into a paranoid mess.

But he's still Sam and, as everyone knows, Dean's weakness always has been and always will be Sam. That is something that will never change.

''Dean?'' Sammy mumbles sleepily while Dean is tucking him into bed and finding it downright impossible to stay mad at the kid just because he looks so innocent and peaceful right now.

Dean heaves a sigh. ''Yeah, buddy?''

''I'm gonna marry Miss Ruby.''

And then there's that. A muscle in his jaw twitches. ''Is that so?''

''Yeah, but it's okay 'cause I'll give you Mr. Snuffles so you won't be lonely, okay?''

(Dean remembers that Mr. Snuffles was left behind in a motel room when Sam was six and was hastily replaced by a stuffed dog that Dean bought with his own money. Sam named the dog Dean and there's a raggedy stuffed dog somewhere in the trunk of the Impala to this day.)

''We'll talk about it in the morning, Sammy,'' Dean says. ''Get some sleep.''

''Hey, Dean,'' Sammy whispers after Dean has clicked the light off. ''Are we still best friends?''

Damn that kid and his cuteness. How does he do it? ''Yes, Sammy,'' Dean says softly, sighing in the dark. ''We're still best friends.''

The first thing that happens when Sam is standing before them once again, all grown up and tall, after a week and a half of being a four year old is this:

Ruby sighs wistfully and her lips curve into a pout. ''Aww, I liked the little one better,'' she peers up at Cas. ''Put him back.''

''No!'' Dean cries out, clutching her arm and pulling her to him while he shoots the newly adultified Sam a warning glare. ''You stay like that,'' he tells him. ''I don't need you putting the moves on her with your stupid nursery rhymes and cuteness. That's unfair.'' When he feels everyone's eyes on him, he glares and points a finger at them. ''It was happening! He was taking her away from me! Don't act like it was in my head! It wasn't in my head.''

''Don't worry,'' Ruby says. ''I'm not going to be snatched away from you by a four year old. That's ridiculous.''

But then when she hugs Sam and tells him it's nice to have him back, Sam sends Dean a smirk over her shoulder. Dean gasps and grabs onto Cas' coat. ''Did anybody see that? Did anybody see that?''

''You were a brat,'' Dean says, placing a beer in front of Sam. ''And I swear to God if you touch her, you die. You're all growed up, rugrat. I can hit you now.''

Sam rolls his eyes. ''It ever occur to you that maybe I wouldn't mess with you so much if you didn't make it so easy?'' He reaches for the beer. ''But just so you know,'' a small devilish smile forms on his lips, ''Miss Ruby still thinks I'm the adorable one.'' And then he cracks open the can of beer and is met with a volcanic eruption of alcohol.

Dean chuckles. Well, that makes it all better, doesn't it? ''Oh yeah,'' he says casually. ''By the way, might wanna be careful when you open that. Little you got bored this morning and shook them all up.''