Okay. First things first. It is now an official fact: This story is going to be very confusing. Maybe not for you, the reader. But. This story. Is really. Confusing. To. Write. And. Come up with. x.x Every time I think I finally have it all figured out and all the problems are worked out, I discover one more plothole or complication or whatever. It is becoming more and more apparent that I am going to need someone's help if I'm going to write this—a beta of sorts, but instead of helping with grammar, they will make sure everything makes sense and assist in figuring a few things out. I'm sorry that I sound so unpleasant. It's just that I stayed up all night coming up with deep, dark secrets for everyone and rules for the contest and crap and I'm rather tired. –waves white flag of surrender- Someone, please help! (I'm also rather loopy, so in the morning, I'm probably going to be horribly embarrassed by whatever I just wrote in the author's note. If I filled it with personal drama, I apologize. If I said something totally unrelated, ignore it. If I said something really creepy, try to forget it. If I said something that sounded logical, question it. o_O Now I don't even know what I'm saying. I'll stop talking now.)
: : IF YOU WISH TO BE MY ASSISTANT FOR THIS, IT IS RECOMMENDED THAT: :
~You are often readily available to be contacted
~You are good at catching plot/rule mistakes
~You are good at keeping facts straight
~You have at least some desire to do it
Someone…Please help me!
Light swore that he could literally feel the boredom in the air. He brought his hand up to push his hair out of his face and sighed. It had been almost a month since L had purchased his Light Saber, and the super-sleuth had finally gotten tired of taunting him with it and had put it away—locked it up in that magical closet of his, probably right next to Chuck Norris (whom Light still swore had been in Headquarters), or his flippin' chainsaw.
Skeletons in the closet, Light thought absently. The faint outline of an idea tickled his mind. He glanced at L, who appeared to be doing work on the computer. However, due to the countless months that Light had been handcuffed to the man, he could tell that the detective was, in fact, just as bored as he was.
"Hey, Ryuzaki," Light uttered, getting L's attention.
"What is it? Did Light-kun find something?" As L said that, the rest of the task force looked up from whatever they were doing, curious.
Not quite enthused that everyone was looking at him when he really only wanted to speak of an unimportant matter, Light looked at L and informed, "I believe I would like to propose a contest."
As soon as the words "propose a contest" passed through the prodigy's lips, Matsuda flung himself head-first at the trashcan against the wall as if Light had just told him that The Holy Grail, Misa's underwear, and the Easter Bunny were among its contents.
Because obviously Matsuda was too large to fit inside said trash can (Lol that sounded perverted x3), it toppled over, sliding across the tile. Matsuda lay sprawled out on the floor.
"…What was that all about?" Aizawa asked, weirded out.
"No more contests!" Matsuda gasped, looking terrified. "I just got out of Contest REHAB!"
"Is there really such a thing?" L mused, mainly to himself.
At that moment, Watari entered the room with Misa. "Miss Amane is here for a visit," he announced, ignoring Matsuda, who was still lying on the floor next to the overturned trashcan.
"What's going on?" Misa asked, walking in. Not looking where she was going, she accidentally stepped on Matsuda. Mistaking him for a doormat, she paused to wipe her shoes on him before proceeding.
Matsuda did not seem pleased.
"Light-kun was just proposing a contest," L explained dully. He turned to look at Light. "By all means, do tell what type of contest it is that Light-kun has in mind. I merely hope that he does not suggest anything similar to any of the contests he has come up with in the past."
Light masked a glare with a forced smile. "Well," he began, "it's only the outline of an idea, so I was thinking that you could help me add to it. Everyone will have to participate for it to work." Light tried to think of a good reason for everyone to even want to take part. "The contest will…um…help develop deductive reasoning skills."
"Tell us already," Aizawa muttered impatiently.
"Well, the basic idea that I was thinking was…How 'bout we all have to write down 3 deep, dark, and/or embarrassing secrets about ourselves, each on separate slips of paper. Then, we put all of the slips of paper in a big pile and mix them up. We lay them all out, and then we have to try to figure out who wrote what," Light explained.
L bit his lip thoughtfully. "So…" he clarified, "if one of the scraps of paper have the words 'I am Kira' written on it, and I correctly deduce that it was written by you…what then?"
"Shut up, Ryuzaki. I'm not Kira. Though you're right…there's still the matter of what to do after that. How about we get a judge who knows which card goes to which person, and we go to the judge to see if we are right?" Light offered.
The rest of the task force could do nothing but listen helplessly as the two geniuses were sealing their fates right in front of them. Most likely sealing them into hell.
"Hmmm…that's not a bad idea," L decided. "Everyone could carry around binders with notes and match-up lists that they show to this judge whenever they want to make sure they are on the right track."
"Exactly. But we need to make sure that nobody will be able to abuse the power of confirming and disproving by using the judge."
"What if there is a limit to how many times you are able to get your findings reviewed by the judge?" Light asked.
"No…" L replied, "It may be necessary to check numerous times. Instead, there should be a consequence to getting it wrong. Hm…perhaps we set up a point system. What if we all start off with 0 points? For every person you are able to match a card up with correctly, you get 1 point. However, for every person you match up incorrectly, you get negative 1?"
"That sounds good. What if…at the end of the contest, anyone who has a negative score has to read off all of their embarrassing secrets in front of everybody?"
"Clever, Light-kun. Though Light-kun is beginning to sound quite devious…perhaps you are doing this because you are Kira! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !" L laughed madly.
Everyone stared at him, giving him the Aizawa Face (For those of you who don't know: : : The Aizawa Face [definition]: The Aizawa face can be found on page 102 of the 4th volume of the manga. It is the face that Aizawa makes after he asks Matsuda, "so when exactly does Ryuzaki sleep?" Matsuda replies, "The other day I saw him sleeping in his chair while sitting like that." Then, Aizawa responds with "the Aizawa Face"…which basically looks like he's saying "wtf are you serious?").
"Are you okay, Ryuzaki?" Misa asked, breaking the awkward silence that had accumulated after his laugh attack.
L cleared his throat and lowered his head very slightly, looking almost embarrassed. "Yes," he answered, "It's just the sugar, that's all." He looked back at Light. "As Light-kun was saying…?"
"…I wasn't saying anything," Light informed.
"Oh yes, that's right. I was the one speaking." Everyone continued to stare at him in awkward silence. He looked at all the eyes in the room, and then clapped his hands once, loudly. "Detectives, do stop staring at me. It's actually rather creepy. It almost looks like you are eying me for supper."
"You're one to talk about creepy 'I-Am-Going-To-Devour-Your-Soul' staring, Ryuzaki," Light pointed out sarcastically.
L looked at him with innocent eyes. "Light-kun, I'll have you know that I never stare at people."
At soon as L made that comment, Light mysteriously developed an unknown cough.
"You might want to cover your mouth when you cough, Light," Soichiro said, "you never know if it's contagious and fatal."
L, ignoring their sarcastic gestures, spoke up. "Light-kun, are we coming up with the rules or not?" Despite what his words seemed to suggest, L spoke with a very patient tone of voice.
"Oh, right. Hmmm…there needs to be a time limit," Light decided.
"Time limit for what, exactly?"
"The amount of time it takes to complete the contest," said Light. "And what if…if no one has been able to figure out everyone's DDS (Deepest Darkest Secrets) by the deadline, everyone has to read all of their embarrassing things out loud in front of everybody?"
Mogi, who had been observing the conversation silently for its duration, suddenly broke out a wicked grin. "I do like that idea," Mogi said, a hint of malice in his voice. He looked like he was about to start cackling evilly at any moment.
Before he could even be given a chance to do said evil cackle, L spoke up, "The time limit shall be…15 days. In some cases, people might just make a lucky guess. This would be unfair. Therefore, before you are able to officially match someone up with a card, you must provide the judge with some sort of proof that led you to believe that the card went with that particular person."
"Sounds good. Each person should be assigned only 3 slips of paper to start. That way, no one will know who to suspect and be wary of when it comes to having to get proof of the secret," Light decided.
"That's a good plan. Now we just need to figure out who the judge will be." L thought for a moment. "Watari. You will judge this contest."
"No way!" Watari exclaimed, causing L to blink in shock. "I am totally gonna play this contest!"
A high-pitched shriek pierced the silence. "MISA-MISA WILL BE THE JUDGE! PICK MISA-MISA!" The girl hopped up and down.
"Erm…sure," Light agreed slowly.
Matsuda slowly raised his hand. "Matsuda," L snapped, "this is not kindergarten. You do not need to raise your hand in order to speak! Spit it out."
"Uh…" Matsuda started quietly and shakily, "Does everyone…have to participate…?"
L grinned a super wide smile and said, "Yes… ^ _ ^" his smile faded… "….or else."
Matsuda whimpered and started running around Kira HQ on four legs like a dog. Watari had to restrain him with a leash.
"Now…Everybody, write down 3 of your deepest, darkest, and/or embarrassing secrets. Then place them in a pile in front of Amane," L instructed, starting to write things down himself.
After each individual card had been placed inside the middle pile. Misa mixed them up, took out a pen, and began to number each card one by one as follows:
Card 1: I used to wet my bed until I was 9 years old.
Card 2: I used to pick my nose in class until my Freshman year of high school.
Card 3: I used to crossdress.
Card 4: I have a fear of turtles.
Card 5: I used to sleep naked, & one night I sleepwalked out of my house and down the street without any clothes on.
Card 6: I love Barney the Purple Dinosaur. I have Barney plushies & Barney sound tracks. I have seen every single Barney episode at least 5 times.
Card 7: I used to have contests with myself to see how many days I could go without showering. My record is 26.
Card 8: I am afraid of the dark.
Card 9: I love Justin Beiber.
Card 10: I used to chase clowns with forks at birthday parties.
Card 11: I used to steal porn magazines as a child just for the free coupons that were inside. I didn't even know what porn was.
Card 12: I once created a porn site.
Card 13: I once went to a funeral just for the food.
Card 14: I have lachanophobia, the fear of vegetables.
Card 15: My middle name is "Dickercock."
Card 16: When I meet a dog, I will sniff its butt to show that I am friendly.
Card 17: I sometimes draw pictures of myself wearing a bra.
Card 18: I was once the lead singer in a heavy metal rocker band, until I fell flat on my face onstage and decided never to make another public appearance again.
Card 19: I used to have a crush on my imaginary friend.
Card 20: I once glomped Mickey Mouse in Disneyland, causing him to fall backwards and crack his head open.
Card 21: One night, when I was very drunk, I mistook my father for my girlfriend, and tried to…well, you know.
Misa would assign 3 cards to each person by the morning.
Okay, this chapter wasn't exactly meant to be funny. It was supposed to just give you a general idea of the rules. Please alert, review, or whatever you do! :D Thank you for reading!
I'd like at least 4 or 5 reviews before I submit another chapter. I have no idea what everyone thinks of this idea yet.
Btw…try to make your own guesses about which cards go to each person! I'm very interested to know, and see how close to the truth you are :D
Well, goodnight. x.x