A/N: Okay, my lack of updates has become atrocious. I'm so very sorry for the people waiting for updates on Burn My Shadow and A Sin to Hold Onto. For some reason, inspiration for those stories has escaped me. I'm not saying that I won't continue them; I guess I'm saying that they are on a temporary hiatus. Sorry guys.
Alright, so anyway, since it seems that Eclare may be ending (though I'm not giving up hope they won't) when the season finale rolls around on Friday, I thought I'd write a little Eclare one-shot that I've had brewing in the depths of my Degrassi-obsessed mind for a long time. This story is based off the song Without You by Brighten, so I recommend you check it out, because it's basically one of my all-time favorite songs.
Darling, I Need You
He hated himself. Eli Goldsworthy hated himself more than he ever had in his life. He couldn't even begin to express the amount of pain he was experiencing as he lay in his bed and thought about the one person who made him feel this way: Clare Edwards.
Now, he could never hate Clare. It was his fault that she even said those things to him in the first place. He was the one who suffocated her, after all.
The warm blankets he was tangled in brought Eli no comfort. Neither did the sounds of 'Flume' by Bon Iver that was emitting from his stereo. His long fingers clutched the pillow under his head and he held back another stinging tear from escaping his empty eyes. He wanted nothing more than to have Clare next to him, right then, on his bed. He wanted to hold her to him tightly, just to know she was really there. He wanted to hear her sweet voice in his ear, telling him that she still loved him. He wanted to tangle his fingers in her soft curls and inhale her unique scent.
But then he thought to himself that she would probably feel suffocated all over again. She had said that they should take a break for a few days, but little did she know that days without Clare felt more like years. Like now, it had only been a few days, and he hadn't left his room for fear of running into her on the street and saying or doing something that he would regret.
He felt as if he had an empty pit inside him that Clare had ripped from his very being with only a few simple words.
Even though Clare hadn't died, Eli felt as if he had lost her forever. He's always had this problem; he jumps to conclusions and exaggerates the situation immensely. He can't help it. Julia's death really had changed him and he didn't even think he could go back to the way he had been before she was taken from him. Even though it had been two years since her death, Eli still felt the sharpness of the pain still inside him, blaming himself for what happened. No matter how much anyone tried to convince him otherwise, he would always believe it was his fault… always.
Eli heard quiet footsteps coming toward his bedroom. He quickly shut his eyes and relaxed his body to make it appear he'd been sleeping. He really didn't feel like being bothered at that moment. Once the door handle jiggled, he groaned silently to himself. The door to his room creaked open.
"Baby boy, I know you're awake," Cece Goldsworthy's voice broke the silence. Eli remained motionless. He heard her sigh sadly.
"You can't hide from her forever, Eli," she told her son. He heard her footsteps getting closer to his bed. The mattress under him shifted when his mother sat down next to his "sleeping" body.
"Eli," she started, "Just because she wants a break, doesn't mean that she doesn't care about you anymore. It's not like she broke up with you."
"She might as well have," Eli gave up on pretending he was asleep. He kept clutching his soft pillow and burying his face in it. He felt Cece's gentle, motherly touch on his temple, stroking his face, drying his wet cheeks.
"She still loves you, honey. But you have to admit, you've been a bit much for her to handle these past few months," she told him. He sighed. It was completely true.
"She'll come around," she assured him.
"But when?" Eli asked pitifully. He almost burst into tears right then. He hated that he was crying. He hated to cry. He was a man; he wasn't supposed to cry. He was supposed to stay strong for his girlfriend when she cried.
"Just give her the time that she needs," Cece told him. She ran her fingers though his dark, tangled hair. Eli should have felt comforted, but there was only one person that could make him feel better, and it wasn't his mother.
"What if she never takes me back?" he asked to no one in particular. He was really only thinking aloud.
"You can't think like that, Eli. You're so pessimistic all the time. Maybe that's what got you into this whole mess in the first place. You have to stop worrying about losing Clare and think about how great it is to have her now," she said.
"But I don't have her now," Eli said sadly. Cece made a clicking sound with her tongue.
"If you play your cards right, baby boy, you will," she said. The bed shifted again and she stroked his hair one last time.
"Bullfrog and I are going out for a while. Please don't do anything you will regret while we're out," she said. Eli smiled. Did she really think he was going to attempt suicide or something?
"Alright, Mom," he said. Cece softly kissed him on the cheek before heading out the door to his bedroom.
"I love you, sweetie," she said from the threshold.
"Love you too," Eli mumbled from his bed. Cece then closed the door and left him to his lonesome again.
He heard the front door shut and his father's car start then drive away into the distance. Eli groaned out loud and rolled over on his bed. His stomach rumbled and he was pretty sure his neighbors heard it, it was so loud.
Eli sat up in his bed and held his face in his clammy hands. He lifted his head and looked around his room. It was messy, but not as bad as before. There were a few boxes and clothes strewn across the floor and his dresser. He then wondered what would happen his Clare really left him; would he go back to hoarding? He pushed that thought away for the moment.
He swung his legs over the edge of his bed and stood. He looked around the floor and reached for a pair of gray sweatpants. He pulled them on over his black boxers. He found a plain white v-neck and slipped that on as well. He shook out his messy dark hair and pushed his bangs out of his eyes. After taking one last look at his room, he exited through the door and made his way down the hallway. He stepped into his bathroom before going to the kitchen.
He flipped the light switch on and was taken aback at the sight of himself in the mirror. Dark purple bags hung under his bloodshot eyes. He looked paler, almost sickly. His plump lips were dried a cracked. He basically looked like the living dead. He quickly splashed some cool water on his face before exiting the bathroom, too afraid to look into the mirror a second longer.
Eli made his way to his kitchen. His parents didn't keep their house neat and tidy like some families, but at least it didn't look like his room used to. He walked over to the refrigerator. Upon opening the door, he found there was basically nothing to eat; just a carton of milk, a couple of Cece's yogurt cups, a six pack of beer, grape jelly, and a huge thing of ketchup. Eli rolled his eyes and closed the door.
He went over to the other cabinets around the kitchen and found only mostly empty boxes of cereal and boxes of Mac & Cheese. He didn't feel like cooking anything. His stomach growled once again. Eli groaned and went over to the counter to where Morty's keys were. He grabbed the keys and walked through his living room to the front door. He shoved his feet into a pair of black pull-on Vans. Eli figured he would go to the nearest gas station and buy a bag of chips and a soda.
Eli went back to his room to retrieve his wallet, and then he came back out and exited out the front door. He shoved his wallet into his pocket and descended down the front steps. It was starting to get dark outside. 'Great,' he thought, 'another whole day spent in bed.' His parents had let him stay home from school for a few days since they knew how he gets about these kinds of things.
When he was on the grass in front of his house, he finally looked up from his feet and over to Morty. Once he did, his heart seemed to stop. Right there, right in front of him, Clare leaned against the driver side door of Eli's hearse. He stopped dead in his tracks and just stared at her.
She changed out of her school uniform and she was now wearing and pair of white shorts and a loose blue tank top. He could see the black bra straps peeking out from under the tank straps. The sight of seeing so much of Clare's bare skin almost made him lose all control. But he reigned himself in and let his strong self control take over.
Once she saw that he was looking at her, she pushed off the side of Morty and straightened herself.
"Hey," she greeted. Just the sound of her voice made Eli's blood run hot.
She could tell that words had escaped him, so she took over.
"Um, you haven't been to school for the past few days and I was starting to get worried," she told him.
"Is that the only reason you're here? To see if I'm okay, 'cause I'm fine," Eli said bitterly. He didn't mean to be so cold toward Clare, but he couldn't help but be a little mad at her for making him feel this way.
Clare seemed to draw back slightly and Eli instantly felt bad.
"I'm sorry," she said, breaking all eye contact with him, "I just needed to see that you were okay. And it's not the only reason I'm here," she told him.
"Then why are you here?" he asked, stepping towards her. There was obvious hope in his voice and also plastered across his face.
"I've been thinking, about us…" she said. She looked like she was uncomfortable. She was fiddling with the hem of her tank top. She had pulled it down to reveal a tad bit of her cleavage. Eli couldn't help himself; he stared. But Clare didn't seem to notice because she wasn't looking at him.
"I didn't expect being apart from you for this short of time would take this much of a toll on me," she admitted. He looked at her face then. She was looking straight at him, her piercing blue stare burning him up inside.
"I was up all night wondering how you were, and I thought about you all day in class. I couldn't concentrate," she told him. There was not a moment during the past few days that Eli's mind strayed from Clare.
"I'm sorry for the way I reacted to you; I know you just wanted to spend time with me. I guess I just freaked out. The anniversary of Julia's death is coming up and it's only natural that you want to find something to take your mind off it. And I know that you still aren't over Julia and you probably never will be, no matter how much you try to convince yourself. She was an important part of your life and I accept that there will always be a part of you that still loves her."
Eli was speechless once again. He wanted to protest and say that he was over Julia, but he figured that she was right.
"I love you, Eli, with everything I have," she said. His heart swelled.
"I love you too," he managed to say.
"And these days apart from you have made me realize…" she paused, looking like she was about to cry. Eli stepped forward, towards her, but she spoke before he could reach her.
"…that I can't be without you."
Eli closed the gap between them and covered her mouth with his. This was unlike any other kiss they had shared before. It was filled with pure passion, love, and most of all… lust.
Tasting her again made him weak at the knees. He wrapped his arms around her and their bodies crashed together. Every single place where Clare's body came into contact with him tingled with an undying lust. Their tongues danced together, exploring each other's mouths in ways they never had before.
Eli's hunger for food was long forgotten and had been replaced by a new kind of hunger. His hands ran all over her back. He traced the curve of her spine, all the way from the back of her neck to the top of her shorts and back again. Her warm skin under his fingertips sent some kind of adrenaline to course through his veins.
He had survived a couple days without her, and now she was back and she told him she still loved him. And all this time he convinced himself that she hated him. But here they are, now, clinging to each other like their lives depend on it.
Eli pulled away from her lips for a moment and kept his forehead pressed to hers.
"I'm sorry if I made you feel smothered," he said quietly. He could feel her raged breathing on his lips.
"It's alright now," she told him. She smiled and so did he.
"If you ever feel that way again, please call me out on it. I don't want thing to go this far again," he asked her. She giggled.
"I promise," she said. Clare leaned forward and placed the tenderest kiss on his lips then pulled back again.
"Are your parent's home?" she asked. For the first time in days, Eli smirked.
"You just missed them. Why, are you planning on taking advantage of me?" he asked. Clare leaned forward until her lips were just grazing his.
"Something like that," she whispered seductively. Eli just about passed out. His lips devoured hers hungrily. He felt the vibrations of her giggle through his entire body. It was like his nerves had become extra sensitive; anything that she did, he felt it intensified ten times.
Eli's hands slide down to the tops of her thighs and Clare got the message. She jumped up and wrapped her legs around Eli's waist and he caught her. They had never been this close before and it blew both of their minds as they found out what they had been missing out on all this time. Her arms were snaked around his neck and her hands were exploring his back. It sent the most satisfying shivers down his spine.
He somehow managed to carry her up the steps and through the front door to his house. He dropped the keys to Morty and his wallet on the floor as he let her down and proceeded to back her up against the nearest wall.
His fingers tangled in her beautiful curls and caressed her face while her hands were at his waist. Suddenly, her grip on his tightened and she pulled his hips to her. They slammed together and Eli forgot how to breathe. She ground herself into him and he moaned in her mouth. She felt him hard against her hip and she blushed. But that soon faded and she smiled into their kisses.
Somehow, Clare had pushed Eli off her and shoved him, quite viciously, against the opposite wall. So now Eli was pinned between the wall and her and he had no idea how it happened. He had no idea how anything of this was happening. They had never even truly made out and here they were, practically eating each other's faces.
Clare's fingers made their way to the bottom of his white v-neck and she gripped the fabric in her fists. Eli was so taken aback by all that was happening that he let her take his shirt off without a second thought. Clare ran her hands along his bare skin. Eli's muscled contracted under her warm, unexpected touches.
Then Eli decided he was going to be brave. He grabbed at the bottom of her tank-top and tugged at it. She realized what he wanted and pulled back from him. She looked at him, her expression giving nothing away.
"S-sorry… I just… I wanted…" but Eli's voice trailed off once Clare had taken hold of her top and pulled it over her head. It felt to the ground next to Eli's shirt.
Eli was floored. He took one look at her bare creamy white skin and the black bra she was wearing and he lost it. His hands reached up to cup her through her bra and she let out a moan. He squeezed and massaged and caressed her and she let him. She wanted him to touch her like this. She let out a shaky breath.
"Eli," she whimpered. He looked back up at her eyes and saw something he'd never seen before on her: pure hunger. He knew what she wanted.
He scooped her up in his arms once more and her legs wrapped around his waist. He carried her, their lips never parting, to his bedroom. He shut the door behind them and he let her down. Her fingers went straight for his sweatpants. She began to pull on them when Eli finally came to his senses and stopped her.
"Clare," she said, grabbing her wrists as she was about to pull his pants down. She looked up at him, confused.
"Are you completely sure of what you're doing?" he asked.
"I've never been more sure about anything in my life," she told him. He almost gave in, but not quite yet.
"I just don't want us to do something that you'll regret later," he said. She smiled at him. Her hand reached up to cup his cheek and he leaned his face into her warm touch. He closed his eyes and relished every moment she had her hands on him.
"I love you, Eli Goldswothy. I made my vow when I was too young to even know what it meant. But now that I'm in this relationship with you and I know what it feels like to really be in love, I know that I simply can't wait that long for this," she said. His eyes shot open and she was staring at him with the most devious look in her eyes.
"Oh my God," Eli breathed. The entirety of what was about to unfold had just hit him like a train.
"I thought you didn't believe in God," Clare commented, stepping towards him.
"I never will," he said before kissing her again. Her hands found their way back to the waistband of his sweatpants. Eli took in a sharp breath as she practically ripped his pants right off. They fell to the ground around his ankles and he stepped out of them. His lips never left hers as his fingers fiddled with the buttons of her shorts. He finally got them undone and he slipped them down the length of her thighs, basking in the feeling of her bare skin on his hands. She stepped out of her short and stood before him in only her bra and underwear.
"Sorry, I don't exactly match," she commented about her black bra and pale pink underwear. Eli smirked.
"Do you really think I care?" he asked. He continued to stare at her amazing body and all he could think was that he wanted to kiss her everywhere. He wanted to pin her under him. He wanted feel her naked body tangled up in his. He wanted to bury himself inside her and make her squirm, scream, cry out his name. He wanted to hear her whimper in his ear. He wanted to make her come so hard that she shook underneath him.
But before he did all these things, he needed to be sure she really meant what she said about being ready.
"Clare, are you…" Eli was silenced by Clare taking one more step toward him and squeezing him through his boxers.
"Ask me one more time, and I will have to punish you," she said. That was it. His control was gone. If she wanted him to do this, then hell if he was going to refuse her. His feelings for Clare were unlike anything he'd ever experienced before. She made him feel safe. He felt more alive than he ever had. She helped him get better. He was going to give her everything she wanted. If she wanted him to make love to her, then he was going to do just that.
Just as she was about to reach into his boxers, he grabbed her and practically threw her onto his bed. She looked a little shocked at his sudden assertiveness, but the lust in her eyes told him that she loved every second of it.
He crawled onto the bed with her and kissed her again. His hands wondered everywhere: her neck, her arms, her breasts, her waist, her thighs. While her hands right for his boxers. Eli smirked. She wanted this bad, but probably not as bad as he wanted it.
Her hands traveled above the fabric and gently squeezed his ass. Eli took this has a sign and bucked his hips into hers. They both moaned at the contact.
Eli had a hard time believing any of this was really happening. He was convinced that he was going to wake up any second in a pool of sweat, alone in his bed. But as the moments went on, it become more and more real: the moans coming from Clare's lips, the feel of her against his body, the sight of her nearly-naked body under his. It was too good to be true, but it was.
Before she even noticed what he was doing, he pulled down the straps of her bra and exposed her naked chest to him. She gasped and blushed bright red. Eli was lost in his own little world as he stared at her. But he finally snapped out of it and ducked down to suck on one of her nipples. A rush of pleasure danced though her veins as Eli played with her. She could feel the tension in her core growing and she ground against his hips to relieve it. The vibrations of Eli's moan shot through her entire body and her back arched. Eli lifted his head and looked at her.
Her hair was fanned out across his pillow and she was tugging at her bottom lip with her teeth. He leaned up and kissed her lips furiously. She reached down and pulled his boxers off. She eased them over his erection and he kicked them off. She felt him on the skin of her stomach and she froze up. This was it. Eli was lying, completely naked, on top of her and they were going to have sex. Her confidence was shaken and she no longer knew what to do. She had never done this before, but he had. He seemed to notice her hesitance and he looked her in the eyes.
"I'm just as nervous as you are, Clare. You're not alone," he assured her. She smiled and he resumed kissing her neck. His hands crept down to her waist and he hooked his fingers around her underwear. With lust overpowering him, he ripped her underwear right off her body and she tensed.
"You're beautiful, Clare," he told her, which calmed her nerves only a little bit. She was still scared out of her mind.
Clare set her fears aside and knew that she was completely ready for this to happen. She couldn't wait any longer.
"Eli... now… please," she gasped. He looked up at her, giving her one last chance to say no, she wasn't ready. But she was.
He reached across her and grabbed something from a drawer in his bedside table. He drew back and she saw that he had a condom.
She mentally smacked herself since she had completely forgotten until now about that. He ripped open the package with his teeth and reached down to roll it on. He looked down at her and saw all the approval he needed with one look at her face. He carefully positioned himself and she gasped when he pressed against her center. He leaned over her on his elbows and he brushed a piece of hair from her face.
"I love you," he whispered and pushed into her. She cried out at the foreign member inside her. Pain ripped through her body like she hadn't expected. But for Eli, it was different. Her tight muscles contracting around him and squeezing him inside her made it almost impossible for him to stop.
Clare bit into Eli's shoulder and his eyes rolled back into his head. She was making this even harder for him.
"It's alright, Clare. It'll get better. I'm so sorry," he said, trying to mask the shakiness of his voice.
After about a minute, Clare unlatched her teeth from his skin and fell back to the pillow. Eli looked at her. All she could do was nod.
Things were a complete haze to Eli after that point. Moments blended together and stood out on there own all at the same time. He remembered her sexy moans and her hands all over his body, touching every inch of him. He remembered the way she started whimpering his name into his ear, and then it escalating into a cry. He even remembered her name spilling out of his mouth as he buried himself deeper and deeper inside of her. Her hands had clawed at his back and he was pretty sure he had scratches now. His body had almost given out in the middle of it because he'd never felt anything like what he was feeling. He remembered the amazing feeling of Clare's hips meeting his thrusts. But most of all, he remembered the look on her face when she came. He remembered the explosion in his body with his final thrust and the way his whole world went black for a second or two.
Eli collapsed on the bed beside her and they both heaved in breaths. They had just realized the enormity of what they had just done. But neither of them regretted it one bit. Not even Clare.
After catching her breath, Clare rolled over and draped her arm across Eli's chest. She buried her face into his shoulder and closed her eyes, her body spent over what they had just done. There were no words to describe what they had just done, so they said nothing at all. Eli wrapped an arm around Clare's shoulders and pulled her closer to him.
"Please don't leave me like that again. I need you," Eli said, just as he was about to drift off into a peaceful, Clare-filled sleep. At first, he thought that she had fallen asleep already, but then she spoke.
"I promise," she said sleepily. He buried his nose in her hair and inhaled her scent. She was like a drug to him, and he was hopelessly addicted.
He sighed happily as he finally closed his eyes and fell asleep with Clare tangled in the sheets next to him.
So am I forgiven yet? :)
Uh, I'm just gonna leave this here and wait for feedback because I have no idea if this is good or bad.