* DISCLAIMER * Blah blah blah. All of the characters belong to Paramount Pictures, except for Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light who is from Dilbert and belongs (we think) to United Media and/or Scott Adams.

* AUTHOR'S NOTE * This is the weirdest thing I've ever written – the Shakespeare stuff is mine, and then my brother came in the room – and we took it from there. As you can see, it's very random.

This story is by Alisanne and Eith.



The captain knew something was wrong the moment she walked onto the bridge. It might not have been noticeable to someone that didn't know her crew as well as she did. Someone that didn't belong to Starfleet or the Federation might not have thought anything was wrong – the Kazon wore strange enough things on their ships. But Kathryn Janeway ran a Starfleet ship, and on Starfleet ships the bridge officers did not wear Shakespearean clothing while on duty.

But everything seemed to be functioning normally; the engines were humming, the stars rushed past on the viewscreen. However odd it might have been, Janeway wasn't about to comment on it until it started interfering with the ships processes. She sat in her chair for a while. This is unusual, she thought, most the time we are busy fighting an alien race, or making a first contact, or being invaded by evil beings who are taking over our minds. I feel like Captain Picard, just sitting in my chair not doing anything. And of course the Shakespeare costumes add to the effect. He always had some weird looking people around.

Finally, when she was almost bored to tears, the captain decided to ask her first officer, Chakotay, for a report. She found it hard to overlook the costume though, especially on him… Janeway could see why it was popular for men to wear tights for such a long time. Chakotay really had nice legs, she noted. A doublet with gold embroidery and a feathered cap donned at a rakish angle completed the picture of a perfect Romeo. Shaking her head to clear it of such un-Starfleet thoughts, she spoke. "Report, Commander."

Chakotay turned to her, his eyes playful. "Methinks, Kathryn, that thou hast kept quiet too long. The sound of your voice rejuvenates me as no other ever could. It is the song of a nightingale at dawn, as clear as a running brook. Speak again, bright angel, that I may bask in your light forever."

"Umm…that's fine, Chakotay." Nervously patting his outstretched hand, Janeway turned to face front. I think I should call the Doctor, she thought, Chakotay is a little odd sometimes, but this is a bit over the top. I'll ask Tuvok what's going on. He'll give me a straight answer, not like the bozo next to me. In a quick movement Captain Janeway slid out of her chair and up the few steps to the upper portion of the bridge. She walked to stand next to Tuvok, her Chief of Security, at the tactical conn.

Tuvok was arrayed in a similar fashion to Chakotay. He wore tights, one leg orange and the other yellow. His doublet was bright crimson, with yellow fringes hanging off the shoulders.

"Tuvok," she whispered, "what's going on here?"

"Tra nam-tor weht vellar svi'zae heh Terra, Khart-lan, do nam-tor run-tor t'svi'ven-dol-tar."

Oh my god, thought Janeway, It must have gotten to Tuvok too! And I don't speak THAT much Vulcan… wait, the Universal Translator… "Computer, translate Lieutenant Commander Tuvok's last comment into Starfleet Standard.

*BEEP* "Closest translation: 'There are more things in heaven and earth, Captain, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.'"

That's really familiar… "Computer, identify quote."

*BEEP* "No exact matches found. Closest match: Terran playwright William Shakespeare's play Hamlet. First published approximately 1599. Quote is from Act 1, Scene 5, Hamlet to Horatio.

What…the heck…Janeway felt as if she was rapidly losing control of an odd situation.

"Captain, art thou well?" Inquired Harry Kim. Janeway whirled around – yes, Harry too was decked out in a tunic and leggings, though his were less ornate than Tuvok or Chakotay's.

"I…I'm fine…" stammered Janeway. What's wrong with me! She berated herself, I don't stammer, especially not when answering Ensigns! "I just…have something important to take care of in Sickbay. Chakotay, you have…" She broke off. Could she trust this altered Chakotay with the bridge?

"Yes, dear lady?" Swooned Chakotay lovingly.

"You have the bridge!" I have to get out of here! Thought Janeway with rising panic. Maybe it's me, not them! Maybe I'm crazy…