Chronicles of Father Snack

Final Chapter: Confession

Oftentimes people in heaven needed reassurance of their purpose in being there, or they even committed sins which they wanted atonement for. Free will did still exist, so the inhabitants of heaven were not wholly perfect. However, Father Snack was a sympathetic and understanding preacher.

In response to the impurity of his fellow heavenites, he decided to build a church and in it, confessionals where people could admit their sins and be forgiven. Sometimes angels came to him to simply talk about their souls and self-doubt; Father Snack didn't mind. He wanted to help everyone he could.

So, every Thursday, he devoted the Wednesday to closed confessionals, which is when he would wait in one room. A person could come in the adjoining room on Saturday and speak through a screen, which preserved their identity if they so wished to keep it hidden.

Well, today happened to be one such Friday - I mean, of course it is, why would I go explaining all that to you if I wasn't going to utilize that information?

Anyway, Father Snack was sitting in the room waiting for an angel to enter the other.

Sure enough, he heard the door open and close gently, and a person settle themselves beside the screen. Silence. Snack waited for the heavenite to speak. He was quite understanding of the burdens of his fellow angels, and respected their time.

At last, tentative and shy, a voice spoke, "Father?"

"Yes, dear angel? What dost thou have to confess?" Snack was not sure why his speech transformed to Old English. He certainly had not intended it. What an amazing revelation. It'd be nice if Fate could keep his speech consistent, but this is cool too. Fate is capricious, and this statement completely justifies the random change of speech and perhaps personality.

"I asked around," replied the unknown angel, "and everybody told me to come here for my problems."

"You can rest easy," Snack assured. "All that transpires here is confidential, and you can be redeemed by admitting the wrongs you have done. Heaven is forgiving."

"Well, that's the thing. I don't know why I'm in heaven in the first place."

Ah, Snack had heard this many times: the religious devotee or even average person whom didn't think they had done sufficient 'good' in their life.

"All here are deserving of it," Father Snack nodded sagely. "You surely lived in a just and kind manner, else the pureness within you is greater than your crimes."

"I... haven't done much good. I don't think I'm very 'pure' or anything."

"Surely you evaluate yourself too critically? Often, it is those that are most judging of their character that are most good. Can you think of something selfless you have done during your lifetime?"

"... Just one thing."

"Good, that's fine, what was it?"

"I saved my only friend by sacrificing my life."

Father Snack was stunned. Most stories were not so heroic. "Why, that's wonderful! You don't think that justifies your placement here?"


"Why ever not?"

"I've done... a lot of horrible things."

"Maybe confessing them will make you feel better."

"I dunno... I don't feel bad for most of them."

"You can get it off your chest," Father Snack pressed. "Strictly confidential, remember? Between you and God. I am only a channel."

"I suppose... I can try."

"I'm glad," Father Snack said with a smile.

Pause. "I guess... there's a lot to say." He took a deep breath. "I deliberately caused the sun and moon to fight. I manipulated an innocent person to serve my own selfish desires. I tried to control all of Popstar, I nearly killed the hero of Dreamland - twice - and then I almost drove him insane, but that one wasn't intentional. I attacked my own allies because I stole power from these two weapons n' kinda flipped out a bit. Hmm... I won't even bring up those villagers! That would take too long... Oh, and I tortured, killed and ate a dee at one point. I don't count that one though; I don't really view dees as people."

Marx smiled. "Phew, thanks Father. I do feel much better."


"Father? Father Snack? ... Hello?"

Then a very shaky, clearly terrified but furious voice screamed back, "Y-y-you MONSTER!"

"Father, uhh? Should I... should I go?"

Father Snack's worst nightmare was literally on the other side of a flimsy wall: all his fears which had become subdued over time came rushing back in one dramatic wave of doom and he was so stricken with this overwhelming terror that he could not even muster the words to send his enemy away.

Truly, he was frozen in place, mind struggling to decide what he could possibly do next. Oh, why had he shouted at the creature? It must be a vindictive demon, intending to hurt him for his cry of monster!

Marx heard a whimper from behind the screen and frowned to himself. "Father? Are you okay? Should I... do you need help or something?"

When there was no reply, Marx decided to investigate. He left the confessional, and was about to open the door to Father Snack's room when it slammed open, nearly hitting him in the process.

A tan blur shot out screaming at the top of his lungs. He bolted out of the chapel, and the screams faded into the distance.

A very bemused Marx was left in the big empty church, unsure of what had transpired. Oh well, he thought, shrugging one foot in that characteristic way of his. He had confessed, and he felt much better for it. Afterlife was good.

He went skipping out of the chapel, singing upbeat songs about bloody murder in a very off-tune manner.



Why are you still here?

You are not satisfied with that ending?

Very well, but this will appease you no more...

Snack lived eternity in perpetual fear. Eventually, he locked himself into his house to keep Marx away {not realizing the jester had no interest in him}. He became so paranoid that his fellow heavenites agreed he could no longer function normally in society. Consequently, he was locked up in the Heavenly Insane Asylum for Crazies, where he actually did delve so deeply in paranoia that he went completely insane.

Sword and Toast lived happily ever after stuck in a beautiful sunset.

Escargon levitated away on a rainbow and presumably lived happily ever after too.

Marx somehow used his awesome manipulating powers to make God and Satan fall in love and create a love-child called Vetis, whom was half demon and half angel. Marx then poisoned Vetis' mind, urging him to destroy his parents. With this done, Marx killed Vetis and ate him for good measure.

Marx united Heaven and Hell to create Heavell, and happily resided over Heavell as sole ruler and dictator, free to cause all of the mischief he wanted.

The End.