Don't Drop the Soap

By Chikorita-Trainer1
Disclaimer: I don't own any DC characters.

It wasn't often that the Bat brothers all went out on patrol together. Sure, Batman and Robin went out almost every night, but Red Robin usually worked solo. But Dick had decided that his brothers needed to strengthen their teamwork skills a little more. Mainly in the case of them working with one another. Tim was already really good at being on a team, what with leading first Young Justice and later the Teen Titans. Damian, not so much. Dick had put Damian on the Titans in hopes that the young Robin would develop some social skills and make some friends, but instead, Damian had pissed off nearly everyone on the team and they were all too happy when he left.

Tonight though, the three brothers were swinging from rooftop to rooftop, waiting for a siren or a cry for help.

"Kind-of a quiet night, eh?" asked Batman, hoping to break the ice. Robin shrugged and Red Robin said nothing. "So..." Batman said, again, hoping for one of his brothers to take it from there.

"Why did you invite him?" Damian asked bluntly.

"Robin..." Dick said.

"Why were you even conceived?" Red Robin shot back.

"Red...!" Dick said. Every time the three of them got together it was like this. Tights or no tights, his brothers just refused to get along.

"Down there!" cried Robin, pointing to the street below, where a woman was being mugged.

"Let's go!" said Batman. The three brothers dived down into the street like black shadows in the night.

"HELP ME! SOMEBODY HELP!" cried the victim.

"Let's go! Let's go!" shouted the mugger to his companion.

"Let's not!" sneered Robin, swinging down and kicking one of the muggers in the chest, causing him to drop the woman's purse.

"Ma'am, I believe this is yours," said Red Robin, handing the woman her purse as Batman helped her up.

"Big mistake, Bird Boy!" the other mugger threatened, taking out a knife and charging at the red-breasted vigilante.

"Not as big a mistake as that one," said Red Robin, firing tethers at the criminal, which wound around his body and immobilized him.

Batman knocked the two men unconscious and left them for Gordon. "Nice work, birds," he said, firing his grappling hook into the air and elevating himself back into the darkness above. "Don't drop the soap!" he added to the criminals as the two younger crime fighters followed him.

"What did you mean, 'don't drop the soap'?" asked Robin, when they landed on the next rooftop.

"Ah, ha ha," laughed Red Robin.


"It's nothing. Forget it, Robin," said Batman.

"No, what does it mean?" he demanded.

"It's like, um, it's a, it's a gay joke. A," said Red Robin.

"Red, come on. He's only ten," said Batman.

"Yeah, and he's probably killed more people than the number of years old he is," said Red Robin. "I think he can handle a little crude humor."

"Shut up, Drake!" snarled Robin.

"Hey!" yelled Batman, smacking Robin on the back of the head. "Never use real names in the field!"

"Yeah!" Red Robin gloated.

"Red, dont be a jerk," said Batman. "Anyway, Robin, when men are in boy," groaned Batman. "You know, this really isn't the time or the place."

"Oh for the love of gosh," groaned Red Robin. "Look, when men are in prison, there are no women around, they tend to get really fucking horny. And sometimes they rape each other in the shower. If one were in the prison shower, and one were to drop the soap, they'd have to bend over to pick it up. Bending over would simulate an invitation to be anally penetrated. Hence, dont drop the soap. Got it?"

"TIM!" screeched Batman.

"Oh, look who's using real names in the field, now!" said Red Robin. Batman covered his face in his hand and looked away.

"That's gross," Robin declared.

"That's it. Were going home," said Batman, using his remote to signal the Batmobile.

"Come on, we're just getting warmed up!" whined Robin.

"Home. NOW!" said Batman.

The drive home was extremely tense and uncomfortable for Dick. He couldn't believe that Tim had just explained the meaning behind "don't drop the soap" to Damian. And so bluntly to boot. Damian didn't have a particularly innocent mind, but Dick was really hoping not to have to open the door to sexual questions for at least a few more years.

"So is that why-?"


"You don't even know what I was going to ask!" Damian said to Dick, who had answered immediately in hopes of avoiding a potentially awkward question.

"HA HA HA HA HA!" laughed Tim, who was sitting in the back seat.

"Oh, shut up, Tim. You're in enough trouble already!" shouted Dick. Though it was a little hard to take him seriously, since his voice had so much discomfort in it. He really sounded like a parent who was about to give his kid the sex talk and was feeling way more embarrassed than the kid.

"What? I just answered his question," said Tim. "Kid was going to find out sooner or later."

"Yes, and you felt you had to say it in such blunt and graphic detail?" asked Dick as they pulled into the Bunker.

"Actually I felt it was one thing Drake actually did right," said Damian. Tim was still laughing.

"This is not funny!" yelled Dick, getting out of the Batmobile.

"Yes, it is," said Tim. Dick only glared. "I'm sorry! It is to me!" No matter how mature and studious Tim was, he still had the sense of humor of a teenage boy, and therefore found certain things funny.

"OK, Damian, go get ready for bed. Tim, I want to talk to you in private," said Dick. Damian hung up his cape, took off his boots and scampered upstairs brush his teeth.

"Dick, I'm sorry. But you were stuttering and it was never going to get explained..." Tim began.

"You did that just to embarrass me!" Dick accused.

"No, I didn't!"

"Yes you did! Admit it! You can't stand to see me raise Damian and you did that on purpose!"

"No, Dick, it's Damian I cant stand. I really don't give a shit what you do with him," Tim explained calmly.

"Just don't ever tell him something that disgusting again, OK?" Dick demanded.

"Do you really think he's never heard of gay anal sex before, Dick? The brat was taught to kill people before he had all of his adult teeth. You're really concerned-"

"THAT'S NOT THE POINT!" yelled Dick. "You do not get to decide what he is allowed or NOT allowed to learn! You are not in charge of his education and training. I am! You don't get to decide when he's ready to have something explained to him!"

Tim looked down and rubbed the back of his neck. He understood what his brother meant. It may have come out wrong, but he understood. Dick had bonded with Damian. The young Robin was his protégé, and Dick actually enjoyed working with him and teaching him things. When Tim had stepped in and explained the meaning of the term, it was as if he had stolen Dick's job from him. And that hurt.

"I get it, Dick. I'm really sorry, said Tim."

"It's OK," sighed Dick. "You did kinda nail it. You did manage to explain it clearly while I was fumbling."

"No, I mean I'm sorry I did your job. You're right, I don't get to decide what's right for Damian. He's your partner. Youre his teacher."

"Well, I'd be lying if I said I didnt need some help from time to time," Dick admitted. He walked closer to Tim and smiled down at him. "Look, I know he's a pain in the ass. I want to kill him sometimes, too."

"Heh," Tim laughed lightly.

"And I's not easy for you," Dick continued. "To see me spend so much time with him. After all you and I have been through. But I will always love you, Timmy."

"I know."

Dick pulled Tim into a warm hug. "I still love you more than anything in the world. Having another little brother doesn't change that." Tim sighed and hugged Dick even tighter.

"Thanks," he said. Pulling away from Dick, he said "I guess you'd better go tuck him in, huh?"

"Are you kidding? Last time I tried that he tried to suffocate me with his pillow!"{ said Dick. Tim was silent for a moment.

Then he burst into laughter.

"Ah HA HA HA HAHA HA! Oh my gosh, that kid is retarded!"

"I know. I know. Just don't tell him that," chuckled Dick.


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