Hello, good readers, and welcome to a new Amusing Review, for the BBC series Sherlock by the geniuses Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss. I shall now stop talking about them or we will be here all day. Just be thankful I am writing this before series six of Doctor Who starts.
So, grab your phone, magnifying glass and swishy coat of awesome, and without further ado we shall begin reviewing...
SHERLOCK- Episode One: A Study in Pink
FANS OF ORIGINAL BOOKS *knowing looks and intelligent nods*
EVERYONE ELSE *shrugs and eats popcorn*
1. GUNFIRE! GOOD LORD!
Luckily this is not without explanation, it's actually a dream and John Watson (played by Martin Freeman, again I am not going to start singing the praises of the individuals or it'll take up half the site) soon wakes up shaking and crying and all kinds of traumatised.
AUDIENCE *immediately feel sorry for him because he's Martin Freeman and traumatised and all on his own in a tiny, boring, brown flat*
CINAMATOGRAPHY *is excellent*
Watson keeps his laptop and his gun in the same drawer. That's... normal (or maybe he just has a lack of drawers in that rubbish flat)
WATSON'S THERAPIST *is a therapist in a TV show and will therefore be no hope whatsoever*Blog?
CINAMATOGRAPHY *continues to be excellent*
THERAPIST You haven't written a word, have you?
WATSON And you just wrote 'still has trust issues'
THERAPIST And you just read my writing upside-down
SCRIPT *is already awesome*
THERAPIST Writing a blog will be good for you
TEH INTERNET Told you so!
TEH MOFFAT SETTING UPDATE! BOOM!
WATSON Nothing happens to me
Is that a cue for some... OPENING CREDITS? (Man I love this music and the title sequence is awesome)
2. Time for a sudden shift in tone? Cue the creepy.
Two random people are talking on the phone, a woman in an office and a bloke at a train station
WOMAN Get a cab
MAN I never get cabs
WOMAN Get. A. Cab.
AUDIENCE *disregard this line entirely*
TEH MOFFAT *evil genius grin*
WOMAN Love you
One of them is going to die horribly now, aren't they?
Sure enough, next thing we know the bloke has taken some pill and died writhing on the floor. Cut to two teenage boys in the pouring rain and one goes back for his umbrella... Only to also take a pill and kill himself. Cut to a woman at a party whose colleagues appear to have stolen her car keys for some unknown reason. Less than twenty seconds later, she's dead too. Wow, Moffat, that's three deaths in less than a minute. Way to creep us out.
The police are having a press conference about the third death, calling it an "apparent suicide" and that the three cases must be linked
FEMALE POLICE OFFICER Detective Inspector Lestrade will now take questions
DI LESTRADE *is Lestrade and Rupert Graves and therefore awesome without trying*
The press want to know how the suicides can possibly be linked because serial suicides don't exist. Lestrade seems sceptical as well and is looking very tired and harassed
AUDIENCE *immediately love Lestrade because he's tired and harassed and Rupert Graves and the press are all loud, obnoxious idiots, as the press in the media are want to be*
And then everyone in the room's phone goes off at the same time and none have an embarrassing ringtone, what are the chances?
PHONES WRONG, BITCHES!
And the texts come up as little words that appear next to the phones. It's cool.
FEMALE OFFICER Ignore that! Seriously, ignore it! Please!
THE PRESS *continue to be obnoxious*
LESTRADE *continues to look harassed*
PHONES YOU LOT ARE A LOAD OF IDIOTS!
PRESS WOMAN What if these are murders?
LESTRADE What the what? No, there are suicides
SCRIPT *subtle 'screw you' to the Daily Mail*
PHONES I am MENTALLY FACEPALMING at your STUPIDITY right now.
LESTRADE'S PHONE You know where to find me –SH
The female police officer is not impressed, wanting Lestrade to tell "him" to stop sending everyone at their press conferences rude text messages.
LESTRADE If you can tell me how he does it, I'll stop it
AUDIENCE I'll say. Its awesome!
3. Back to Watson, strolling/limping through the park
SOME BLOKE John Watson? Hey, it's me, Mike Stanford, you know that classmate from medical school
THIS SCENE *is like a more subtle Groundhog Day*
WATSON *is very matter-of-fact about being shot at*
Two cups of take-away coffee later the two old friends are discussing John's issue of the only place to live being a rubbish old flat and "Harry" being useless at helping. Luckily, Stanford knows someone who is looking for a flat share. Enter Sherlock Holmes himself, flogging a corpse... Because that's normal.
Oh, and Benedict Cumberbatch has the most awesome name ever. Just saying. And he's a secret ginger. The fangirls (and this includes Molly the pathologist) immediately start paying attention.
SHERLOCK Black. Two sugars. I'll be upstairs.
Up in the lab, Sherlock is performing some kind of experiment when John and Stanford enter. John tries to make polite conversation but Sherlock is more interested in texting someone, so John lends him his phone.
SHERLOCK Afghanistan or Iraq?
SOUNDTRACK *highlights intriguing-ness of moment*
Oh, and then we up the "burn" quotient on Molly. Yeah, she gets a lot of that this series, poor gal. And then Sherlock starts listing all the reasons why John may or may not find him an irritating flatmate
WATSON More o_O
STANFORD *trying not to laugh*
SHERLOCK *puts on swishy coat and scarf-of-awesome whilst completely ignoring John's questions then lists off a load of information he's deduced about John... awesomely*
JOHN What the... o_O?
SHERLOCK The name is Sherlock Holmes and the address is 221B Baker Street ;)
HALF THE AUDIENCE *cheer*
OTHER HALF *eat popcorn*
BBC TRAILER-MAKING PEOPLE *immediately leap on that clip for use in trailers*
STANFORD *inwardly ROFLing*
Back at John's rubbish flat:
CINEMATOGRAPHY I'M STILL AWESOME!
SOME WOMAN *takes pill and dies*
4. Baker Street ("It's only a model." "Ssh!") *plays the saxophone solo from the song 'Baker Street'*
The two men meet outside and make awkward small talk about Sherlock ensuring that their landlady's husband was executed in Florida (now that is a story I'd like to hear the full version of) before Mrs Hudson herself turns up to welcome them. I love that she gives Sherlock this great big hug and then just lets John in like "Oh, hi, come in."
Dramatic shot of the front door. Check.
I love the flat. It's such a mess. John's face is hilarious. Seriously, it's like he's been stuck on "o_O" mode since he met Sherlock. They have an animal's head mounted on the wall and it is wearing headphones, for crying out loud. How is that not funny? I also love that Sherlock suddenly becomes embarrassed and moves a few things around
SHERLOCK Erm, well, I can straighten things up... A bit *stabs letters onto mantelpiece with a knife*
FANS OF ORIGINAL BOOKS *fangasm*
MOFFAT *probably happy-dancing somewhere*
Oh, and Sherlock has a skull on the mantelpiece. Its his friend :)
MRS HUDSON There's another bedroom upstairs, if you'll be needing two bedrooms
WATSON Of course we'll be needing two bedrooms
MRS HUDSON *totally ships John/Sherlock anyway and berates Sherlock about the mess as if he's five and she's his mother*
John takes the opportunity to inform Sherlock that he's been doing some investigating of his own and discovered Sherlock's own website- 'The Science of Deduction'. I absolutely adore the petulant face Sherlock pulls when John sniggers about it.
SCEPTICAL!WATSON *is sceptical*
Sherlock's only comeback is to continue being slightly creepy. Oh good, here comes the fangirl again with a newspaper to get the plot rolling again. The police appear to have had the same idea because a police car has pulled up outside, informing Sherlock that there has been a fourth suicide.
AUDIENCE Well, we know that already, they showed us
Lestrade has an awesome coat of his own. But that isn't important, what is important is that this time the dead person left a note.
WATSON'S FACE What in the name of sanity is going on?
SHERLOCK ! *bounces and spins around like a child on a sugar high* Mrs Hudson, I'll be late, might need some food
MRS HUDSON Dammit man! I'm your landlady, not your housekeeper
SHERLOCK Meh *swishes off in swishy coat*
MRS HUDSON Oh, what the heck. John, I'll get you some tea and you rest your leg
WATSON DAMN MY LEG! Sorry. I'm so sorry
MRS HUDSON I understand, dear, I've got a hip
... Don't most people have two?
And then Sherlock suddenly turns up again, this time with gloves
FANGIRLS *rush off to write kinky fanfiction involving those gloves*
SHERLOCK Sooooo... You're an army doctor... Seen lots of violent deaths...
WATSON This is an elaborate ploy to make me come with you, isn't it?
SHERLOCK *shifty eyes*
WATSON Well, I'm coming. Bye Mrs Hudson!
SHERLOCK *still acting like an overexcited kid* The game, Mrs Hudson, is on!
CINEMATOGRAPHY *still made of awesome*
5. In a taxi on the way to the crime scene and it is suddenly, inexplicably really dark. Though I guess it is supposed to be January
THE ATMOUSPHERE *is awkward*
WATSON Hell yeah. Who the hell are you anyway?
SHERLOCK Consulting Detective. Police are stupid
WATSON The police don't consult amateurs
SHERLOCK *evidently takes offense to that statement and proceeds to trample it into the ground with the most awesomely scripted/acted/directed/soundtracked display of deduction that I think I have ever seen and which is still my favourite scene of the series so far* Amateur? I think not.
WATSON *overwhelmed by awesomeness*
WATSON That... was amazing
SHERLOCK *looks genuinely and adorably surprised* Really? That's not what people normally say
WATSON What do they normally say?
SHERLOCK "Piss off"
WRITING *is made of win*
SHERLOCK Oh, and btw your limp is fake
WATSON Well, Harry is actually my sister
SHERLOCK ... damn.
How did Russell T Davis' gay agenda manage to sneak sneakily in here?
John would very much like to know what he is doing at the crime scene. Oh look, it's the female police officer from earlier
FEMALE OFFICER Hello, freak
How very pleasant of her. Sherlock's bored tone of voice says he's used to it. Oh, and her name is Sergeant Sally Donovan. I think the only reason why he starts deducting about her is to get on her nerves. Oh no, here comes resident smug git, Anderson. I think his walking mode is stuck on "strut". He is also attempting to look down his nose at Sherlock but this is kind of awkward because Cumberbatch is about a mile taller than anyone else in the cast.
SHERLOCK You're deodorant tells me your wife is away
ANDERSON My deodorant?
SHERLOCK It's for men (best delivery and facial expression ever)
SHERLOCK You? Donovan? Implied sex, y/y?
The body is upstairs, which means a lovely shot going up through all the floorboards to the body, a woman- Jennifer Wilson- in a vibrant pink coat. For some reason, when they reach the room, Sherlock reaches out a hand like he's leaning on an invisible table.
SHERLOCK Shut up
LESTRADE I didn't say anything
SHERLOCK You were thinking. It's annoying
I love the way Lestrade looks at John and John gives him a look back like "what? I'm not his babysitter." Sherlock creeps a little closer to the corpse and the little captions are back telling us his thoughts. Oh, and the woman scratched the word "Rache" into the floor.
FANS OF ORIGINAL BOOKS *more fangasm*
Geez, Moffat, give them a bit of a break
ANDERSON She's German. Rache is German for "revenge"
SHERLOCK Yes, thank you for your input *shuts door in Anderson's face*
HA! Seriously, can this script get any better? But now Sherlock wants John's opinion.
SHERLOCK This is fun
WATSON Fun? There's a woman lying dead
SHERLOCK Perfectly sound analysis but I was hoping you'd go deeper
Okay, the answer is "yes, the script can get any better". Sherlock proceeds to reiterate what he has learned to Lestrade
IMPRESSED!WATSON *is impressed, but please would he stop randomly apologising (though it is adorable)?*
SCEPTICAL!LESTRADE *is sceptical*
SHERLOCK Dear god, what is it like in your funny little brains? It must be so boring. Oh, look for Rachel and where is her suitcase?
LESTRADE She was writing "Rachel"?
SHERLOCK No, she was writing an angry note in German. Of course she was writing "Rachel." Suitcase. Where is it?
LESTRADE No idea what you are on about?
SHERLOCK MURDER! SERIAL KILLER! YAY!
LESTRADE Teh heck?
SHERLOCK PINK! *runs off*
Leaving Watson behind to limp down all the stairs with that cane. How nice. Outside there is no sign of Sherlock but Watson is quickly cornered by Sally Donovan.
DONOVAN Sherlock's a creepy, psychopathic creep with no friends who gets off on hanging around dead bodies and crimes. Oh, and one day he'll probably murder someone.
FANDOM *rush to write dark!Sherlock fic in which he does murder someone*
LESTRADE Donovan! Stop creeping out the traumatised war-veteran!
AUDIENCE *unfortunately miss out on shot of John staring up at Sherlock standing on a roof like friggin' Batman that was in the unaired pilot version*
And now John is being stalked by phones. Because that's normal.
CREEPY PHONE Hello John. I'm creepy and control CCTV cameras. Get in the car, biatch
CREEPY!CAR *pulls up creepily*
WOMAN IN CAR *is not creepy, just texting. And is not called Anthea.. And actually she is slightly creepy*
WATSON WHAT IN ALL HECK'S NAME IS GOING ON!
6. Deserted warehouse containing Mark Gatiss and a pimp umbrella
CINEMATOGRAPHY I'm still here and I'm still awesome!
MARK GATISS I'm creepy too. And posh. And I'm totally not Moriarty *shifty eyes*
WATSON You know, I've got a phone
TOTALLY NOT!MORIARTY Sherlock Holmes. Spill.
WATSON I barely know him
TOTALLY NOT!MORIARTY And you've moved in with him and now you're solving crimes together. Might we expect a happy announcement by the end of the week *totally ships John/Sherlock too*
WATSON Who are you?
TOTALLY NOT!MORIARTY His arch-enemy, apparently (but totally not Moriarty). He does love to be dramatic
WATSON Well, thank god you're above all that
HIS SARCASM *is epic*
WATSON'S PHONE Get your ass back to Baker Street –SH
TOTALLY NOT!MORIARTY *calls 221B "Two Hundred and Twenty One B" because he's Mark Gatiss and posh and has a pimp umbrella* I'll pay you for info on Sherlock
TOTALLY NOT!MORIARTY I worry about him. Constantly
WATSON I'm glad that wasn't creepy in the slightest.
WATSON'S PHONE Hurry the hell up! –SH
WATSON Anyway, not interested
Gatiss continues to creep things up by quoting what John's therapist said earlier about his having trust issues. John is unimpressed and tries to walk away but Gatiss demands a thorough inspection of John's left hand.
TOTALLY NOT!MORIARTY *bitchplz face... not as good as Gaius'* You have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in reverse
WATSON Okay, I really am disturbed now please go away
TOTALLY NOT!MORIARTY Meh. *walks off swinging pimp umbrella*
FANDOM *rush off to make many fanvids of not!Moriarty to Rhianna's 'Umbrella'... And fics in which he stabs zombies with it. Seriously, that exists. It's awesome*
WATON'S PHONE WHY ARE YOU NOT BACK HERE YET? –SH
NOT!ANTHEA *takes John back to his rubbish flat so he can pick up his gun*
Yes, because I bet that isn't going to be important later on...
And then not!Anthea takes John back to Baker Street. I don't think she's even texting, I think she's actually playing 'snake' or 'angry birds' or something.
WATSON Do you ever get any free time?
NOT!ANTHEA *staring at phone* Oh yeah, lots
NOT!ANTHEA ... Bye
ME HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Good lord I love this script
And at the half-way point I think we'll split the episode, or it is going to be a pain to read. In the next chapter we shall hopefully have more epic lines, more laughs and more brilliant deduction from Sherlock, including the conclusion of who the murderer is (not that you lot don't already know that if you are reading this).
Hope you enjoyed this first half of my "Study in Pink" Amusing Review. I shall see you very soon :)