We all know what's coming...
SHERLOCK- Episode Three: The Great Game
14. Up at teh police station... Now Sherlock's got a folder. Okay
SHERLOCK Connie Prince was killed with the same poison that killed Carl Powers CONNECTIONS OMG!
DIRK GENTLEY Told you so
SHERLOCK Away with you!
LESTRADE I take it this is the part where you explain it all
JOHN Why couldn't it have been the cat? Can't I have solved the case? For once? Please? Also, if it was that irritatingly simple why can't you have solved it earlier and saved that old woman?
SHERLOCK Contrary to what you might think, my waiting was actually plot relevant and means we're now one up on the bomber
JOHN ... Are you going to explain how exactly?
JOHN Why do I bother?
SHERLOCK Anyway, I'm saving her now. And I really can't be bothered to be cryptic with my answer to this one *blogpost*
Also, for some reason we hear the woman's voice before the phone rings... Okay then.
SHERLOCK Hi there, old woman, we are now going to save you
WOMAN Help me...
SHERLOCK Where are you?
WOMAN His voice... So Irish...
SHERLOCK What? Wait... Oh snap
15. And it's sad and it blew up a whole building and I'M TRYING MY BEST HERE!
SERIOUS SCENE *occurs*
ANGRY!JOHN *is angry*
I physically cannot make this funny.
TV *is stupid and thinks it's a gas explosion*
SHERLOCK *muses about bomber*
AUDIENCE Why not just call him Mo-
JOHN So he arranged this murder?
SHERLOCK Yes. Unfortunately that thing I said earlier about being one up on the killer has gone nowhere as I cannot figure out who killed Carl Powers, ergo, who the bomber is.
JOHN Well, whoever he is, I hope you'll be very happy together
SHERLOCK So now you're shipping me and the bomber? Right...
I think the bomber ships Sherlock and the bomber too
ANGRY!JOHN *continues to be angry. Only more shouty this time*
PHONE Shall I innturupt this awkward conversation?
SHERLOCK YES PLEASE! Hang on; I'm going to have to emotionally manipulate you into helping me
SHERLOCK TO THE THAMES!
16. At the Thames, where tis muddy and there are tides and stuff. Oh, and a body
LESTRADE I'm starting to get tired of this bomber person. Who has he wired up this time?
SHERLOCK No idea. So, this body. Seven ideas so far
LESTRADE ... Seven?
SHERLOCK Magnifying glass time! *inspects body*
JOHN Mad doctor skillz! He was asphyxiated about 24 hours ago
SHERLOCK That lost Vermeer painting that was briefly spotted on TV right at the beginning of the episode is a fake
LESTRADE, JOHN AND THE WHOLE OF LONDON And you worked that out how?
SHERLOCK Simple it was on the TV earlier in the episode, a clear case of foreshadowing, it should have been easy to guess. Especially on a second viewing ;) Also, he was killed by an assassin called the Golem
ME *avoids obvious joke*
LESTRADE Why must you be so frustrating, Sherlock?
SHERLOCK Why are you so ignorant?
LESTRADE ... None of your smart answers, you think you're so clever. Well I'm Lestrade-
LESTRADE OF THE YARD
LESTRADE? CONSTERNATION! UPROAR!
(The above joke is totally not an apology for not having used it in the previous episode's review where it would have been much more appropriate... *shifty eyes*)
JOHN Alright, girls, play nicely
A MILLION SHERLOCK/LESTRADE AND/OR OT3 FICS *spontaneously come into being*
SHERLOCK I shall now explain to you *does so*
SOUNDTRACK PAY ATTENTION TO THE AWESOMENESS OF HIS EXPLAINING!
NINTH DOCTOR Oi! Don't you steal my catchphrase!
JOHN ... Poor sod
SHERLOCK Now to find the Golem, because I'm the only man who can, because I'm awesome
SHERLOCK And better insert some more references to the original books while I'm at it
This reference turns out to be to the Baker Street Irregulars via hiring a homeless woman to go do something for him and also make John jump over some fences
JOHN Why must you have such long legs?
John goes to find out some more about the gallery attendant whilst Sherlock goes to the gallery itself. It seems Alex Woodbridge (the guy who was killed) was interested in stargazing.
ALEX'S FLATMATE It was all he ever did in his spare time
And yet he was apparently a night security guard so when did he have free time at home at night to actually gaze at the stars? I'll try not to think about it too much or my head will hurt
JOHN I have the feeling this hobby will be an important plot point
ALEX'S FLATMATE Well, this scene would be pointless if it wasn't. We did have a break in but nothing was taken and there was a voicemail from some professor saying that Alex was right about something. Probably nothing.
MYCROFT (via text) If I didn't know better I'd think you were investigating someone else's case instead of MY VERY IMPORTANT ONE! NOW GET YOUR ARSE INTO GEAR!
17. The Hickman gallery and its staff of one woman in a weird-shouldered dress
I hate art galleries like this. As in 'huge white room full of nothing except one tiny painting.' What is the point?
WOMAN IN WEIRD SHOULDERED DRESS Can I help you? Btw I has accent
SHERLOCK I is dressed as a security guard
Where the hell did he get that uniform from anyway?
SHERLOCK The painting's a fake, good Miss Wenceslas (looked down on the feast of Steven Moffat etc.)
MISS WENCESLAS Disturbed now
SHERLOCK Did you send the Golem to assassinate Alex Woodbridge
MISS WENCESLAS Very disturbed now. Go away or I'll sack you
SHERLOCK Don't work here. HA! GOT YA THERE! Have a nice day! *hopskips out the door*
MISS WENCESLAS ... What just happened?
18. Meanwhile, over at Mycroft's case which I'm pretty sure a whole lot of people may have forgotten about...
John is talking to the fiancé of the man who got his head smashed in by a train. Lovely.
JOHN Why do I suddenly feel like I've jumped into a whole different episode?
AUDIENCE You're telling us
FIANCE *tearfully explains what happened* And he said he had to go and see someone
JOHN And you don't know who?
JOHN Right... Well, I learned so much in this scene
AUDIENCE You're telling us
BLOKE ON A BIKE *turns up*
FIANCE Oh, by the way, this is my brother, Joe
Oh, I bet he's totally not important.
EPIC!JOHN *epic-struts away like the badass he is*
Later that night outside 221B
HOMELESS WOMAN Change? Ya got change?
HOMELESS WOMAN Baker Street Irregulars ftw
SHERLOCK To the Vauxhall Arches!
Which the Golem hangs out and the only place in London where the stars are beautifully clear and visible in all their computer generated glory despite the clouds of pollution that generally cover large cities such as London. Just saying.
JOHN Just so you know, I did find out something plot relevant
SHERLOCK Of course you did, otherwise those scenes wouldn't have been included
JOHN I have a torch, by the way. No idea where it came from or why I thought to bring one even though I had no idea I'd be coming here today but, hey, I have one anyway
SHERLOCK Me too. Yay!
GOLEM *ominously gets up in silhouette*
JOHN This is where I start wishing I had my-
And they lose him. Well, he does have rather long legs. And a car.
JOHN This is where I think my plot-relevant info from those earlier scenes may come in handy... To the planetarium!
In the planetarium...
PETER DAVISON VOCAL CAMEO Blah blah planets planets ramble planets ramble blah
PROFFESSOR CAIRNES (I seriously have no idea how I'm spelling that) Yeah yeah yeah, rewind rewind rewind
GOLEM Well, however you spell it, she's dead now
PROFFESSOR CAIRNES *dies and is ded*
SOUNDTRACK FOR THIS SCENE *guest composed by The Master*
PETER DAVISON VOCAL CAMEO I'm still here!
SOUNDTRACK FROM HERE ON *is completely messed up and hurts my ears*
SHERLOCK You go round and try and find him, John! I'll just stand here... With the lights flashing on and off... This can't go wrong any way whatsoever
GOLEM Behind you!
SHERLOCK DAMMIT NOT AGAIN! *is strangulated. Again*
The Golem is even taller than Benedict Cumberbatch, blimey on the ritz cracker.
MARTIN FREEMAN *pulls a gun on the Golem*
JOHN *is badass*
LIGHTS AND SOUNDTRACK *make the entire thing really confusing*
GOLEM *manages to escape*
SHERLOCK Well that was pointless and irritating.
AUDIENCE OUR EYES ARE BLEEDING! OUR EARS ARE IN PAIN!
19. The gallery the next day
LESTRADE I hope you two had fun without me yesterday
JOHN Oh believe me. We did. Plenty.
SHERLOCK FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE etc.
MISS WENCESLAS *frustrating spluttering*
SHERLOCK Oi. Who said you could join our trio of awesome woman-with-weird-shouldered-dress?
MISS WENCESLAS Well, this is a waste of time
PHONE Would this be a good time to chip in
SHERLOCK Bloody finally. The painting is a fake, mister bomber, now hurry up and say I've won already
BOMBER (via STEVEN MOFFAT'S SON VOCAL CAMEO) Ten seconds to tell me why its a fake or explosions tiems
BOMBER God, I'm so evil :D
JOHN Quick, Sherlock! Put together all the plot relevant information from those seemingly pointless and random scenes in the quickest deduction of your life!
JOHN What? What?
SHERLOCK There's a star there that wasn't discovered until after this painting was apparently made!
... You know, you could always take artistic licence into account but, hey.
LESTRADE Thank god that was the slowest ten-second countdown ever
MYCROFT (via text) I DON'T CARE HOW MANY SMALL CHILDREN HAVE BEEN STRAPPED TO BOMBS BY SOCIOPATHS. MY PATIENCE IS WEARING THIN.
MISS WENCESLAS ... Well shit.
Later on, in the room of confessions:
SHERLOCK Are you behind all of this, Miss Wenceslas?
MISS WENCESLAS Well, no. Otherwise it would be the biggest let down ever. I was just in it for the money, I didn't know anything about any mad bombers. I just had this bloke make a fake painting and then get another bloke to help me convince everyone it was real... I didn't know his name or anything...
SHERLOCK *slowly getting more and more interested*
LESTRADE I think we can all guess his name by now
SHERLOCK And you totally did know his name because his name is totally...
MISS WENCESLAS ... Moriarty
AUDIENCE Well finally. Hallelujah
SOUNDTRACK BOW BEFORE THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THIS MOMENT!
20. But there are further subplots to be resolved before we can discover who Moriarty is and the end of this case. Namely Mycroft's wearing-thin patience and a bloke named after a type of Terrier
TRAIN GUY *waxes philosophical about people committing suicide via train and how the drivers have to live with it*
Why do I get the feeling that someone is trying to make a point here?
JOHN Well that's all well and good but there isn't actually any blood on the line
TRAIN GUY ... Oh
JOHN Wow, I don't even have to be a doctor to know that getting your head smashed in and there being no blood is pretty much impossible. Well, isn't this suspicious *narrates to himself*
SHERLOCK *appears out of nowhere*You didn't think I'd give up on a case like this just to spite my brother, did you?
JOHN Well, actually I did but-
SHERLOCK BURGLARY TIME!
JOHN Fine. So long as you let me in with you this time.
So they break into this random house by methods unclear and snoop around. Oh, and didn't I mention it belongs to Joe, the brother of Westie's fiancé who we saw that one time for a few seconds, who also happened to steal the memory stick and kill Westie. And isn't good at cleaning blood off his windowsill. And arrives at just the right moment for our protagonists to ask him why he did it.
JOHN *goes to confront Joe*
JOE Crap! People who know what I've done! I keel you with my bicycle of doom!
JOE Or maybe not
MOAR CONFESSIONS TIEMS!
JOE It was an accident. I accidentally pushed him down the stairs. Because I stole the plans because I wanted to pay back drug debts because drugs are bad and stuff and this never would have happened if Westie hadn't got drunk and blabbed about the plans so I guess drinking is bad too
JOHN Wow. This is like all the morals of the modern world packed into one
JOE And then I shoved him on top of a train so it would take the body somewhere else but he must have rolled off the train and that's the answer to that mystery. Oh, and here's the memory stick for your trouble. Stupid memory stick.
JOHN Well, that was sort of simple
SHERLOCK Well yes. Except that there's still around ten-ish minutes to go and still one more mystery from the bomber
JOHN Why do I get the feeling you're not telling me everything
SHERLOCK ... *shifty eyes*
21. Never let Sherlock watch crap telly
Actually, make that let Sherlock watch bad television just so we can see his reaction. Because it is priceless. Also, I love that he's all huddled up in his coat and scarf still with his knees hugged to his chest. Can this guy get more adorable
JOHN *sigh* Blogging. You given Mycroft the memory stick yet?
SHERLOCK Yes *shifty eyes*
JOHN Why don't I trust you?
Then some bickering with a call back to the start of the episode ensues
JOHN Right, I'm off to Sarah's
SHERLOCK *sigh* Her again. Oh well. Better get you out of the way so I can wrap up the last ten minutes of this episode in peace
JOHN Lovely. Bye. *leaves* Well, hope he has an eventful evening because I probably won't. *grumble* sofa *grumble*
STICK OF IRONY Heh heh heh...
SHERLOCK Ah, peace and quiet. Now, how best to bring this entire thing round to the very start of this whole mystery in a poignant way... Ah, I know!
22. THAT. BLOODY. SWIMMING. POOL.
CINEMATOGRAPHY I'm still here and pretty :)
EDITING Oi. I'm helping.
TONE *is creepy*
SHERLOCK Hi there person who is totally Moriarty! So, that whole subplot thing turned out to be relevant to the entire plot after all and not just a way of filling the time between your calls. If you want this memory stick, come out and get it
MARK GATISS I am truly a genius of writing
SHERLOCK Because it was all to distract me from this memory stick. You overestimate my brother's patience. You should see John's text inbox.
MORIARTY Oh believe me. I have
JOHN *emerges* Evening
JOHN Bet you never saw this coming
SHERLOCK No kidding
AUDIENCE HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE! ... No, seriously, how is this possible?
MARK GATISS Don't worry, I'm not twisting the laws of reality that much. Not this time, anyway
STEVEN MOFFAT *evil snigger*
JOHN *is strapped to a bomb*
SHERLOCK This is seriously mindscrewing me
JOHN You're telling me
AUDIENCE You're telling us
SHERLOCK Who are you?
MORIARTY Oh fine. You're so impatient! *emerges and is Jim-from-IT, Molly's gay boyfriend from earlier... And is now Irish. And incredibly creepy* I gave you my number. Thought you might call.
(and because I have to mention this line or my friend Imtotallynormal will kill me)
MORIARTY Is that a British Army Browning L9A1 in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?
BADASS!SHERLOCK Both *is badass with a gun*
MORIARTY Jim Moriarty. Hi
DAMMIT, stop being so creepy, Moriarty. You're like the sadistic lovechild of The Master and the Joker. Only Irish.
MORIARTY Jim? Jim from the hospital? Did I really make such a fleeting impression?
SHERLOCK Well, you were only on screen for about a minute. Without the accent. And you've grown your hair. And you did say you totally weren't-
MORIARTY Hm, gun verses sniper rifle + bomb. I'm not sure you're going to win that one. So, I'm like you, only on the bad side, isn't that awesome? And no one ever gets to me because I don't get my hands dirty
JOHN Hi. I'm still here. Looking sad and adorable
DAMMIT JOHN! YOU NEED A HUG!
MORIARTY Whatever. So, warning. Back off. Even if I did enjoy this little game, playing Jim-from-IT-
SHERLOCK Yes, for about a minute-
MORIARTY Playing gay-
SHERLOCK Yes, and the point of that was, again?
MORIARTY Dunno. I still might have a creepy, one-sided crush on you though that the fangirls are sure to exploit...
SHERLOCK People have died.
MORIARTY Wow, Sherlock, never knew you cared. That's what people DO!
EVERYONE SCARED NOW! *hide behind the sofa*
SHERLOCK I will stop you.
JOHN Still here
SHERLOCK You alright?
JOHN Yes. Apart from the bit where I'm strapped to a bomb with a rifle aimed at me and in the company of a deranged and really creepy criminal mastermind
SHERLOCK So... Random subplot, memory stick, was actually relevant the whole time. Here, have it
MORIARTY Oh, right, those... Boring! *throws it in swimming pool* Ha! It wasn't relevant at all. Could have got that any time I wanted. Got ya there!
SHERLOCK ... Damn
JOHN *grabs Moriarty* Run for it Sherlock!
SNIPERS We don't think so
JOHN Damn. That plan didn't work then
Why are all the sniper dots in this place accompanied by weird buzzing on the soundtrack?
SNIPERS Search us
MORIARTY Meh. I don't really want to kill you anyway. Would rather wait for another time. Next series, perhaps. Just to mindscrew you. But if you don't stop prying... I'll burn you. I'll burn the heart out of you
EVERYONE Still scared *wibble*
SHERLOCK I've been reliably informed that I don't have one
FANGIRLS Nooooo! His heart is John Watson!
MORIARTY Who am I to argue with the fangirls? Well, I'd better be off then
SHERLOCK Or I could shoot you
MORIARTY Except for the part where you won't. Partly because my snipers would shoot you to pieces straight away and mostly because you have as much fun dancing for me as I do watching you. But in the meantime, have an amusing face :O
LIVEJOURNAL USERS ICON TIEMS!
MORIARTY Ciao, Sherlock Holmes *leaves*
SHERLOCK Catch. You. Later.
MORIARTY *singsong* No you won't!
EVERYONE So creepy *shudder*
SHERLOCK *rips John's clothes off in a darkened swimming pool* Are you alright?
JOHN Apart from the bit where I may well be traumatised for life? Yeah, I'm fine.
Why not throw the bomb in the swimming pool? Where it shouldn't detonate and be a lot harder to target in order to detonate it. No? Well, I guess chucking it out across the floor will have to do.
JOHN *stumbles and falls over* Yup. Traumatised.
AWKWARD POST-TRAUMATIC CONVERSATION *ensues. And is adorable*
AUDIENCE Aw, so adorable.
JOHN Oh well, I'm glad no one saw that
JOHN You ripping my clothes off in a darkened swimming pool. People might talk
SHERLOCK Might? Have you seen the fanfiction?
SNIPERS TWO MINUTES LEFT TILL END CREDITS BITCHES!
MORIARTY Me again. I do love mindscrewing with you! You can't be allowed to continue. You just can't. I would try to convince you but everything I have to say has already crossed your mind.
AUDIENCE SERIOUSLY! WHAT IS GOING ON?
SHERLOCK *shares poignant look with John*
SHERLOCK Probably my answer has crossed yours *points gun at Moriarty. Badassly*
AUDIENCE MOFFAT? GATISS? SOMEONE?
SHERLOCK *points gun at bomb-jacket*
AUDIENCE *shake fists to sky* BARROWMAAAAAAAN!
SOUNDTRACK KNEEL BEFORE ME!
IMPRESSED/CURIOUS!MORIARTY *is impressed/curious*
AUDIENCE OUR BRAINS HURT!
MORIARTY'S FACE Bring it
SHERLOCK'S FACE Don't think I won't
What? Sorry? What?
CREDITS *continue to roll*
Technical difficulties. Please wait.
YOU EVIL BLOODY GENIUS BASTARD!
I DEMAND AN EXPLANATION FOR THIS MASTERPIECE OF FRUSTRATION AND MINDSCREW AND PERFECTION AND CLIFFHANGER!
AND IT. HAD. BETTER. BE. GOOD.
Until next series ;) Which shall hopefully be just as equally awesome and brilliant (and full of Benedict Cumberbatch and his amazing cheekbones... And also slashiness) as this first series. In the meantime thank you every so much for reading and reviewing, you are all lovely people. Byeeeeeeee! :D