Title: Lieutenant for a Week
Rating: T, there's a little experimentation and some blood. Bleach the manga/anime is rated T so I tend to rate everything T and up.
Description: To encourage teamwork, each captain gets another captain's lieutenant for a week. Humor.
Disclaimer: Bleach is created and owned by Tite Kubo, I merely pay homage to characters and a story I love.
A/N: I was planning on doing this as a Gin's Notebook entry but it wouldn't work unless Gin happened to somehow be psychic, so I'm making it it's own oneshot.
Time Frame: Before Aizen betrays the Soul Society (even though Renji was barely Captain Kuchiki's lieutenant at this time, we're going to pretend that he was there for longer)
"I'm sorry Head Captain, what was that?" Captain Hitsugaya asked. It had been a fairly routine captains' meeting up until now.
"You are going to switch lieutenants for a week," Yamamoto repeated.
"Any reason why?" Shunsui asked.
"Think of it as a team building exercise," Yamamoto told the assorted captains. In all honesty, he was tired of hearing certain members complain about their lieutenants, and wanted to show them how well matched most of them truly were. Besides, it was good to have the squads learn how other squads functioned, perhaps the captains and lieutenant would learn something from it. "I have randomly assigned lieutenant to each squad. Captain Ukitake, I have assigned your two thirds to someplace new in lieu of a lieutenant."
Captain Yamamoto wasn't the type to pinch his nose in annoyance but he was feeling the very strong urge to. Instead he did something else.
Omaeda squealed slightly and dropped the suddenly very hot fried rice crackers. He watched as the bag incinerated with shock and grabbed his slightly burned hand in pain.
Yamamoto didn't look away from his window, where he had been enjoying the sunset. Omaeda opened his mouth to say something, but thought better of it and simply left to run his hand under some cool water (and find some more crackers).
Working with Squad 2 hadn't been nearly as bad as Isane thought it might be. That was until a hell butterfly came for her captain.
"Looks like we have some assassinations today," Soifon told her temporary lieutenant.
"A-assassinations?" Isane said uncomfortably. "Can we just uh...arrest them?"
Soifon gave her a cutting look and left, clearly expecting Isane to follow. She noticed that the girl's hands were shaking.
"Fine, we'll kill them. You just decapitate the bodies afterward," Soifon said.
Soifon felt the urge to roll her eyes. "Because some people don't get dead enough," she replied.
Isane already felt a little like crying.
"We're outta sake," Rangiku told her captain.
"Well I'm not getting up to get more. I didn't even drink any," Gin told her with a frown.
"Oh come on, you've been laying on that futon for 5 hours," Rangiku chided him.
"And you've been sitting on the floor drinking for 6," Gin came back with.
"Oh wait," Gin remembered something, he felt in the wall near the futon, gently tapping to find the right place before pushing on the wood paneling to reveal a secret compartment. He victoriously held up two sake bottles.
"Yay! My hero!" Rangiku cheered. Gin tossed her one and decided that maybe he should join her.
"Cheers," he said, raising the jug.
"Cheerssss," Rangiku slurred slightly. "You need two futons," she said as she shifted uncomfortably on the floor.
"Make the next person that enters the room get you one," Gin suggested.
"Is that an order?" Rangiku laughed.
"Uh huh," Gin took a swig of sake.
"I-I'm scared of needles," the man said nervously.
"Don't worry, I won't hurt you," Nemu said with false sincerity.
"Don't touch me!" the man insisted.
Nemu reached out and jabbed the man with a needle concealed in her palm. He froze up, unable to move. Nemu calmly drew the man's blood while he couldn't get away.
"Lieutenant Kurotsuchi," Unohana said, entering the room. "Please don't poison the patients."
"It not poison, it's a paralytic," Nemu replied.
Unohana had at first enjoyed how calm Nemu was when having to deal with the wounded. She was an excellent assistant in surgery. She did seem a little too interested in the insides of others though. Unohana had been calmly removing poisons and dangerous drugs from the most accessible places, but Nemu seemed to have a never ending stash of her own.
"So, are we training today?" Iba asked hopefully.
"Ah now, I thought we could just enjoy the afternoon breeze," Aizen replied. "Then later you can watch me practice my calligraphy."
"That sounds...great...Captain," Iba said through gritted teeth.
At first Byakuya was incredibly happy with his new lieutenant. She did everything impeccably and was always on time. But the truth was...she was very quiet. Captain Kuchiki thought he loved the quiet, but perhaps being around Renji had changed him in some way, because he was a little bored with how easily the squad was running. He honestly felt like he personally had no reason to even come into the office, considering that lieutenant Ise Nanao could do everything by herself anyways.
He didn't sigh. Sighing showed discontentment, and that certainly wasn't the case. A small bit of air escaped him at Nanao dropped off his tea at 4:00pm on the dot, but it certainly wasn't a sigh.
Nanao wouldn't admit it, but she was feeling...underused. Captain Kuchiki didn't need to be prodded out of bed or babysat, didn't try to get drunk every hour, and it would be a cold day in hell when he made an inappropriate proposition to a female squad member. Plus...she was feeling a little...well she supposed that she had gotten rather used to Captain Kyoraku complimenting her looks every day. Not that was appropriate for him to do so, and she also let him know that, but she doubted that Captain Kuchiki even noticed that she had place fresh flowers in her hair barrette or had changed her perfume.
Shuuhei respected his captain a lot, and had been a little worried about this whole switching thing, but so far it had actually been a really good learning experience. Captain Komamura had even trained with him, and for once Shuuhei hadn't been worried about hurting someone, hurting himself, losing control of his weapon, or any of other stupid little things that tended to trip him up when training or in battle.
Plus, his temporary captain liked to take an early morning run and Shuuhei had been getting up at the crack of dawn to join him. At first it had been painful getting up so early, but now he looked forward to it. Mornings were so crisp and refreshing.
The only thing was...he wondered why Captain Komamura looked like under that helmet. Komamura had laughed and told him that he'd show Shuuhei if Shuuhei showed him his shikai, and since that wasn't happening, Shuuhei supposed it would remain a mystery.
"Ya ready?" Shunsui asked.
"Yup!" Yachiru responded cheerfully.
"Here we go!" Shunsui yelled, bolting across the field with the little girl on his back. He sprinted as far as his could, over rooftops and trees, until he finally collapsed under a tree.
"I was thinking we could sneak hair dye into Byabya's shampoo," Yachiru told him.
"Captain Kuchiki? Hm, what color?" Shunsui considered.
"Red, like Renji's!" Yachiru suggested.
"You know it wouldn't show up unless you bleach his hair first, right? His hair is pretty dark," he said.
"Well then, we should bleach it first."
"Bad idea," Shunsui told his diminutive temporary lieutenant.
"I have something for you!" Yachiru grabbed something from her arm sleeve. It was a small flask.
"What is that?"
"From Squad 12. They were working on making a more potent sake," Yachiru said.
"Fantastic," Shunsui reached for the bottle. He might have considered not drinking something made in Squad 12 lab, but figured it didn't really matter anyways.
About an hour later he realized that they really had managed to make something very special.
Yachiru eyeballed him. "So, about bleaching Byabya's hair," she started.
"Letsss do it!" Shunsui said with a drunken cheer.
"Are you honesty still working on that paper I gave you earlier?" Captain Tosen asked Renji.
"I...sorry sir, I'm kind of dyslexic," Renji finally admitted. He hadn't thought that Squad 9 would have so much more paperwork than Squad 6. But then again, he hadn't considered that Kaname Tosen couldn't fill out paperwork by himself.
"You do know that you have forty pages of articles to proof read by tomorrow, don't you?" Captain Tosen said.
"Forty...uh...don't worry, it will get done," Renji promised. He had never been that great at spelling or grammar. He wondered exactly how accurate the Seireitei Communication actually needed to be.
"It has to be perfect," Tosen said, as if he heard Renji's thoughts.
I'm in hell. Stuck behind a desk in hell, Renji thought, barely preventing his head from hitting his desk in frustration.
"Lieutenant Kira..." Captain Hitsugaya's eyes got wide as the lieutenant practically leapt from his chair. "You are very jumpy," he stated.
"S-sorry, Captain," Kira replied, a hand to his chest feeling his racing heart. "You move very quietly."
"What in the world have Captain Ichimaru been doing to you?" Toshiro wondered.
"Um...nothing that I'm sure other captain's don't do," Kira replied.
Captain Hitsugaya sincerely doubted that.
All in all he was very happy with the switch. Kira came in when he was supposed to, stayed late to finish things without being asked, and never complained.
His hair however, annoyed him. Just as much as he wanted to reach over and pull Rangiku's kimono closed every time she walked into a room, he had to fight an urge to reach over and tuck Kira's hair behind his ear. He had even almost done it, stopping as his hand had approached Kira's face, seeing the absolute terror in his eyes. Once again, he had to question what Gin had done to make Kira so over cautious.
How the does someone like Gin Ichimaru even get to be a captain anyways? Toshiro wondered. Maybe we can just switch permanently, Rangiku can handle him a lot better than Kira can.
Visions of a completely clean office, devoid of paperwork, and a tidy file room, filled his mind. Not to mention the space that would be freed up if he got rid off all of Rangiku's sake stashes.
"Hello," Captain Ukitake greeted Captain Zaraki.
"Hey," Kenpachi grunted, not bothering to stand up.
"I...just wanted to make sure that my lieutenants were behaving themselves," Jushiro said. And by that I mean, "I want to check and make sure that they're not dead in a ditch someplace," he thought to himself behind his friendly smile.
"They're fine," Kenpachi said.
"Oh...uh...can I see them?" Ukitake pressed.
"I think they're busy," Kenpachi replied noncommittally.
After Captain Ukitake left, Yumichika and Ikkaku entered. "It's probably time for you guys to feed them," Kenpachi told them.
"You do it," Ikkaku told Yumichika.
"I did it last time!" Yumichika complained.
"Rock paper scissors?" Ikkaku suggested.
In the end it was Yumichika who opened the closet door. Two frightened looking faces looked up at him. He removed their gag and put their food out.
"Eat," Yumichika he said haughtily. "Unless...you want to fight?"
Kiyone & Sentaro both quickly nodded their heads in dissent and fell onto the food.
"Hey, stop eating it all!" Sentaro yelled.
"You're the one that's eating it all!" Kiyone responded.
"Yeah, but I'm bigger than you!"
"Fatter than me you mean!"
"What was that?"
Ikkaku knocked them both out with an almost elegant move using the back of his zanpakuto.
"I thought you weren't going to help me," Yumichika said.
"I could still hear them from outside," Ikkaku replied.
Yumichika nudged the bodies into the closet with his foot and locked it closed again.
Chojiro had seen a lot during his days, but nothing could prepare him for what was in store for him at Squad 12.
"Are you still being sick?" Captain Kurotsuchi said with an exaggerated roll of his shoulders.
"I've...never seen someone inside out before," Chojiro said between his gags.
"Oh shut up and stop whining before I take you apart," Mayuri threatened.
"You-you can do that!" Chojiro protested.
Mayuri seemed taken aback. He had almost forgotten it wasn't Nemu with him. "Well, that's just disappointing," he said. "But I suppose I should give you back to Head Captain Yamamoto in one piece. He does approve my funding after all."
Chojiro nodded in agreement.
"Now suck it up and pick up those intestines, I want to measure them," Mayuri continued.
"It looks wonderful," Captain Ukitake assured Momo.
"I was thinking we could plant some gardenias over there," Momo pointed to the far side of his koi pond.
"I think that would be great," Jushiro agreed.
He lay in the sun, enjoying the warmth, and the relaxing atmosphere. He wondered again how Kiyone and Sentaro were doing. In the meantime though, he thought to himself with a smile, I'll enjoy the peace.
Momo hummed to herself as she continued gardening.
Yamamoto wasn't sure in the end why he had done the exercise at all. It had mostly been a giant migraine for him, and he had tried to sleep through as most of it as possible. Both Squads 3 and 8 hadn't done anything at all the last week, as far as he could tell, and people had decided it was better to just be sick or wounded rather than go to Squad 4. For some reason, Captain Kuchiki had come to the captains' meeting with bright red hair, but Yamamoto knew better than to ask him about it.
Everyone seemed relieved to get their lieutenants back for the most part.
Ah well, I suppose that was what this was about in the first place, Yamamoto said. At least now I'll have a little peace.
"I don't suppose you'd want to change lieutenants, Captain Ichimaru," Captain Hitsugaya said at the end of the captains' meeting.
"What? Not my little Izuru! Hands off!" Gin said.
"Why not, you and Rangiku get along fine."
"No," Gin said firmly.
"How about a bet."
"A bet? What kind of bet?" Gin asked curiously.
Great, this day is going to go down hill from here isn't it, Yamamoto thought with a sigh. Young people can be so very annoying.
"No one is changing everything. Now everyone go home and leave me alone," Yamamoto said crankily.
The captains looked at him a little shocked, but he could care less. Only Chojiro made tea the way he liked it, and he was looking forward to finally having a cup before his afternoon nap.