I Carry

dedicated to Crazy-Lemon-Lady

[you know why]


xXx

I carry my scars on the inside, all bottled up and close. When I need to open, there is no one there to twist. No one is here to share it with. This pain hurts when I'm alone but I have to be strong.

There is no one there for the one who always is.

xXx

The war is over. Everything is calm.

Except for me.

I live my days in silence, tending to their pain. When little boys have nightmares, I wake them from their dreams.

xXx

I am always here.

xXx

Harry is growing into a fine young man. He no longer dreams of screams and death.

And now he is moving on.

Like all things in my life.

Moving on from me.

xXx

Ron is hardly an adult, but he no longer dreams of such horror, such terrible pain.

He has a hand to hold now.

And once again it is not mine.

xXx

My parents hold their daughter close, loving her with all they can.

And I am left behind. A shadow, only a flicker of a memory.

Who is there to hold me now?

xXx

Sorrow is all I can claim for my own.

But most days, not even that.

xXx

Ginny has found a love of her own, a reason to move on. A once constant companion is now fading away.

When all the good ones are chosen, who is left to save me?

xXx

I have been so good at pretending that no one knows the truth.

There is a dark pit inside me just threatening to burst.

xXx

They are vibrant and full of life.

They see me that way too.

How else could I give them hope in such a dark and hopeless world?

xXx

Harry's son is teething, and Ron's daughter is brand new.

Ginny's child knows her family, and. . .

I am left behind while families come to blossom.

xXx

Luna is sick with tropical avian flu, and Lavender isn't putting out.

Draco asks for more children, and. . .

I am the one that hears it all. I am the one that my best friends come to when they are troubled in marriages and family.

The one they left behind. As if I understand.

xXx

I contemplate a final end, a peace for my heart. I do not take it, I cannot.

For I am the one who is always there.

If there is no one there for me, who will be there for them when I am gone?

xXx

I see your shadow first, a dark smear against the backboard of my life.

Your voice comes next, like silk and knives intertwined.

Your face is nothing special, a broken nose a bit too big and a complexion too pale for your shield of hair.

Your eyes tell me the most.

xXx

You see, the eyes are the window to the soul.

In your eyes, I see mine.

xXx

You do not hand me platitudes nor promise me sweet nothings.

You do not say everything will be better, all the pain will stop.

I do not expect you to.

You know as well as I do, life is easier when you stop expecting lies.

xXx

No one else has seen you, knows that you are here. I keep you as my secret, my fortress of solitude.

xXx

When we speak, I feel true fire burning in my heart.

xXx

You aren't like the ones who I take care of.

You are like me.

Alone.

We are alone, together.

xXx

Our first time is my first time, except for the kiss.

My second time is with you too.

And my third.

Weeks pass before we untangle and wake up.

xXx

Wake up to the panic. And both of us are gone.

xXx

I carry my scars on the inside, all bottled up and close. When I need to open, there is no one there to twist. No one is here to share it with. This pain hurts when I'm alone but I have to be strong.

There is no one there for the one who always is.

xXx

I miss you.

xXx

My name is Hermione Granger. I love you.

Run away with me.

There is no one there for me.

But you.

xXx

Always, I carry you close.

xXx

My name is Hermione Snape.

I carry your hand in between my fingers, our child in our arms.

And I can now forget the past.

xXx

There is no one there for the one who always is.

There wasn't.

Until you.

I love you Severus. Thank you.