Hello and welcome. This is the second and last intro to the refurbished "My Immortal" story. All I want to get across is the low-down on each chapter. The basic appearance will be something like this:
I was catching a lot of eyes as I walked across the school grounds today, wearing nothing but a black corset trimmed with lace, a black leather miniskirt, ragged pink fishnets and combat boots in snow. Most of the other students were huddled against their books, with jackets underneath their buttoned cloaks. The brisk wind was breathing roses into their cheeks, but not mine. Because I'm a vampire.
My name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. Crazy name, right? Let's just say my mom was kind of nuts and based it on the night-black sprouts of hair on my head after she gave birth, and before she was sent back to Azkaban. Since then, my hair has been garnished with purple streaks, and red tips, and it's now grown down to my mid-back. I have icy blue eyes, like limpid tears, and many people have told me that I could be related to Amy Lee, one of my favorite singers. Another singer shares my surname, but we're not related… Gerard Way, who's on the top on my list of Major Hotties. As I said before, I'm a vampire, but because my teeth are straight and white (special shout-out to my wizard orthodontist, who fixed them with a wave of his wand), you wouldn't know it just from looking at me. Another "symptom" of my vampirism is that I have very pale skin… You wouldn't believe what I have to go through to get a tan in the summer… Another fun fact about is that I'm a witch. I'm in my seventh year at the famed Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, which I'm kind of sad about. Because my dad died while my mom was pregnant, and because my mom's serving a life sentence in Azkaban, I'll have nowhere to go when I graduate.
I noticed a group of preppy students standing a few meters away, staring at me with disgust on their faces. I flipped my hair back and gave them the traditional "middle finger salute".
Suddenly worried that the wet clumps of snow falling from the sky were making my makeup run, I reached into my bag and pulled my compact out. It was black underneath all of the rhinestones and gems I glued onto it during a dull, sunny afternoon. I flipped it open and inspected the black lipstick, black eyeliner, and red eye-shadow I'd carefully put on earlier this morning. I never wear foundation, because I've always had a good complexion, a perk of being a vampire. Also, I'm pale enough already.
Content that there were no conspicuous drips of the eyeliner, I closed the compact and started to put it back in my bag. As my head was bent, I suddenly rammed into another student, scattering their textbooks everywhere and spilling my bag into the snow, when I jumped back instinctively.
I dropped to the ground and hurriedly pushed the several necessities I need into my bag, the compact, a water bottle full of blood (gotta get it someway, don't I?), a textbook to my Defense Against the Dark Arts class, a notebook that was probably ruined from the snow, and several pens. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a flip of freakishly-light hair, and realized whom I'd run into. Picking my bag up, I hurriedly gasped out, "Oh my gosh, Draco! I'm so, so, so sorry!"
Draco Malfoy picked up the last of his textbooks and smiled shyly in my direction. "It's fine… they didn't get too wet."
I pushed myself to my feet clumsily (I get so, so flustered around hot guys) and stammered, "So, uh… what's up?"
He smiled that timid, enigmatic smile that made my heart beat speed, and quietly answered, "Nothing."
He seemed to be about to say something, but I heard my friend Willow call out my name from across the grounds, and I waved to Draco. "Gotta go."
He raised a hand in parting and started walking up to the school as I spun around and ran through the growing piles of snow to Willow.
Those of you familiar with the story, that was a rewrite of the first chapter of "My Immortal"… a much better rewrite.
After the rewrites of every chapter, I'll address the problems Tara did while writing her version. Welcome to English 101.
- repetition in the description of Ebony ("I am…; I am…; I have…; I go…; I am…")
- very little background on Ebony
- pauses where they needn't be
- Draco's sudden change of emotion (he seems excited when he first sees Ebony, then he gets all shy and bashful when she asks him "what's up")
- very abrupt ending of the chapter
And that's it! That will be the basic format of the following 43 chapters, minus my interruptions. Enjoy the next chapter of "My Immortal Breakdown"!