So once upon a time there was this little guy named Peter Pettigrew who everyone hated very a lot, except YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO START A SENTENCE WITH SO YOU JERK! Who cares? Ppff. YOU KNOW WHO CARES? ...English teachers...which I am not! SO, back to Peter Pettigrew.

Peter was a very sad young lad because he grew up in Ireland in 1224 without a posse. Now, I don't know if you lived in Ireland in 1224 but if you did, you should know that you would not survive for one minute without a posse. Peter survived for fifty nine seconds and then the Evil Irish Evilers ATE HIM. Without putting ketchup on him or anything. They split him with their good friends, the Coreleones, except Michael was all, I'LL NEVER BE MY FATHER except too bad for you, Michael.

After Peter was eaten, he went to visit his good friend James who was chilling at P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney, and they had a karaoke festival with Dumbledore and it was really awesome except then Dumbedore got LOST AND IT WAS HORRIBLE.

So Peter and James trudged around the African savannah for 1888 years, and SUDDENLY they ran into their best friend Sirius!
"Sirius!" wailed James. "Dumbledore is missing!"

"AND I'M EATEN!" bawled Peter.

But Sirius was just too awesome to talk to those dumb stupidyheads, except for James is not a dumb stupidyheads so shut up your face. He was too awesome to talk to Peter anyways, so he and James just grabbed arms and jumped into a hot air balloon!

The balloon took them very far, far, far into the sky, and then they touched the clouds, but they were gross and mushy, and so they touched the sun and they both died of heat stroke but then it was okay because Remus bribed them with a monopoly game and they came right back to play monopoly! Darth Vader played too. It was freaking fantastic.

Then they had the genius idea that maybe if they played loud enough, then Dumbledore would reappear! So they yelled, "HA HA HA HERE WE ARE HAVING FUN AND PLAYING MONOPOLY, HA HA HA HA!" and they played Hey Soul Sister by Train ten billion times, AND THEN DUMBLEDORE CAME BACK!

Except Dumbledore was really, really, really mad at them, because "AAGGH YOU GOT THAT SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD I WILL NEVER EVER FORGIVE YOU!" So Remus was like, "Please, I'll play Hey There Delilah instead!" And Dumbledore's like, oh FINE. So they played Hey There Delilah and they had an epic danceparty.

"Did you know danceparty had a space between the dance and the party?" asked Fred Weasley.

"No," replied George. They went back to fighting sharks.

Then an English teacher read this story and cried and cried and cried.