When I think about the dialouge I write for Jane, I find I normally think in character as opposed to wondering what Jane would say. So, instead of thinking "yeah, Jane might say that", I just say it. In a way, I role play Jane. So, I thought I'd take what I do and just write it down as is. The majority of this one shot is what I came up with. I hope you enjoy it!
As always, the characters aren't mine.
It's been two days since we kissed, and I still feel really awkward about it. It's not because I didn't want to kiss. It's because I'm confused in my head now about what it all means. On one hand, I really wanted to kiss her. I'm talking the kind of want that keeps you up at night. I wanted it so bad that it was starting to be the only thing I could think about.
I knew it was bad when Frost found a piece of really obvious evidence before I did. He beat me to it because I was too busy staring at her lips and daydreaming about what they tasted like. Peach with a hint of vanilla, for the record.
For a few days before we kissed, I thought that, maybe, I just needed a breather, and I'd be okay. So, I went with the family to New York for a few days. Ma insisted we go shopping, which she knows I hate. The first couple of stores were boring, but then I started shopping in my head for her. I couldn't help myself. We'd walk into a store, my eyes would roam around, and then my brain would act on its own wondering all kinds of things. Would she like this? Would she wear that? What would she look like in this? What would that look like on my bedroom floor?
I'd tell myself to stop, and I would for a little while. But, we'd walk into another store, and my brain would be at it again. At some point, I just gave up even trying to not think about her. It was a lost cause. By the end of the weekend, Ma thought I was sick. Pop thought I was distracted. Frankie thought I had a boyfriend.
What I had was a crush that was quickly turning into something… else on my best friend, who is a woman.
Two things wrong with this fact.
First of all, I don't like women like that. I have never… not once in my entire life have I ever had the hots for a chick. So, this whole thing I've got going on where I want to see her expensive heels and high priced dresses in a pile next to my bed has me thrown for a complete loop. It's like I don't even know myself anymore.
What the hell?
Second of all, she's my best friend. You don't get a lot of those in your life, and I really like having her around. So, if we did have an actual… well, if we… I just don't want to lose her as a friend. I don't think I'd deal well with that.
I mean, I'm so used to having her around, and I'd really miss her and her quirkiness if she was gone. Plus, I'm pretty sure that, if she did leave, it would be because I did something really stupid to screw the whole thing up. I don't want mess anything up we already have. I… I think I need her in my life. Just thinking about her not there makes me feel kind of… I don't know… empty.
Fine, I lied. There's a third reason.
What if I really am that way? What if, all of these years, I've just been lying to myself because I didn't want to deal with all the crap that goes along with being out? What if I haven't wanted to come to terms with what might be going on in my head because that would mean even more issues on the job than what I already have to deal with on a regular basis? What if my 'what ifs' aren't really 'what ifs' at all?
Okay, so maybe they're not.
My family loves me. Ma's told me a lot that she doesn't care who I date as long as I'm happy and eventually give her grandchildren. She's even tried to set me up on a few dates with women. That didn't go over very well. Anyway, point is: I don't think my family would have a problem if I said… things… about me that might be true… maybe…
Korsak flat out asked me about three months ago if I was dating her. He said, "Janie, if you are, it's no big deal. You two are good for each other, if you ask me." I told him I didn't and went on a small tirade about it. That shut him up. Frost hasn't said anything at all about it. Smart man.
I just don't know. If we … she and I, I mean …if we did… I can't…
See? Do you see the problem here? My brain gets stuck. I can't get past it, and, you know, the crazy thing is I want to get past it because I want her in the worst kind of way. But, I'm not… I won't just treat her like some kind of experiment.
She deserves way better than that.
If I were to actually go through with it… no, that makes it sound like something I don't want, which isn't true. Let me try that again…
If I were to … to… date her, could I be what she deserves? Would I treat her well? Would I give her everything I could? Would I be there for her when she needed me even when she didn't know she needed me? Could I be her partner? Her companion? Her… lover?
Until her, I'd never even kissed a woman before. I don't know if I'd be any good at anything else. But, then again, this is her I'm talking about. She's patient, and I want to learn everything about her…
Why is my mouth suddenly dry? Oh, right… naked…
Oh man, I have it bad. I'm already whipped. I mean, we're practically dating right now. All we're missing is the physical stuff, and even that's sort of iffy. We sleep in the same bed a lot. We touch each other all the time. The line, it's pretty thin already.
It's been two days, and I haven't been able to spend any time with her since then because we picked up a case. We finally bagged the bastard tonight, and she sent me a text as soon as she found out. She invited me over for a late dinner. I said yes. Actually, my fingers said yes. My body said something I'd rather not repeat, and my brain stopped working for a few minutes.
I felt really weird walking into her place carrying Joe in one hand and my bag in the other. But, I just went through my normal routine, and now I'm sitting on the couch watching the game while she cooks. She recorded it for me, and she insisted that I not help with dinner. I don't know what to do with my hands. I can't concentrate on the game, and I keep fighting the urge to turn around and stare at her.
She's wearing yoga pants and a loose fitting top, nothing high dollar. But, still…
"Jane, are you okay?"
When did she walk over here? "Yeah… yeah, I'm good. Do you need help with dinner?" Please say yes. I don't even know what inning it is.
"No, it's done. I called you, but you didn't answer. I thought you might be a little too invested in the game to pay attention to me."
No, not so much. "I'm sorry, Maura. I should have been paying attention." I'm thinking about her so hard I'm not actually paying attention to her. Is that ironic? She'd know, but I don't want to ask her.
"What are you thinking about?"
God, that head tilt. "You." Did I just say that? Out loud?
"Oh? Anything I should be aware of?"
Why is she smiling like that? Peaches with a hint of vanilla. Yup, I remembered that right. Her body feels amazing. Did she moan? Oh yeah, that was definitely a moan. Her hands are… mmmm…. Yeah, I could get used to that.
Don't stop. Why are we stopping? "Yeah?" At least she didn't let go. I really like her arms wrapped around my waist like this.
"Does this mean you've decided?"
Here we go… "A while ago." Really? Who the hell is talking because it's not me.
"Are you sure? My offer still stands. We can go back…"
"No, we can't, and I don't think I want to anyway."
I'm starting to really love the taste of peach and vanilla. "So, does this make us… what? Girlfriends?"
"If that's what you'd like to call us, I wouldn't object. But, that only applies if you don't intend to see anyone else so long as you're seeing me. I can tell you now that I haven't any intention of seeing anyone so long as I'm seeing you."
"Yeah, I don't think that's going to happen. One person is enough." That came out wrong. "I mean, I'd rather just give you all of my attention."
"Oh, Jane." She's making that 'isn't that cute' face. "That's so sweet."
"I'm going to give you a pass on that one today." My stomach just growled. She's going to make us eat now. I'd rather just stand here and hold her.
"When was the last time you ate something substantial?"
"When was the last time we kissed?"
"You're eating. Come on, we can pick this up afterward."
I love it when she's bossy.
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