Subjected To Rumor
Disclaimer: All hail the great J. K. Rowling, Goddess of the Universe of Harry Potter! May her wrath never smite me, for am but a mortal worshiping upon her altar. No money made, spent, or rolled in naked.
Warning: Bad humor, bad writing, bad characterization. Shortly; its just plain bad. No beta.
Pairing(s): Three guesses, first two don't count.
Feedback: Public, any and all. I'm fireproof.

Note: Yes, I know, I use the word "were" improperly on several occasions. Just imagine it being said in an exaggerated Elizabethan-English accent. Or ignore it. Kudos to anyone who actually knows where the joke came from. This turned out much longer than I thought it would.

"I have the most unbelievable news! Here, scoot on over and pour me a glass of that juice. Ahh, prefect. Now you all know what a light sleeper I am, right? Well, last night I woke up sometime around three and couldn't get back to sleep. So I decided to go wander around for a while. Anyway, I were walking down the stairs and I heard this loud argument going on in the common room. So I---"

"Turned around and went back up to your bed?"

"What? Of course not, who do you think I am? I continued on down and stood by the doorway listening!"

"Shame on you!"

"Have you no decency?"

"Well, if you don't want to hear what happened---"

"No, no! Come back here!"

"All right, all right! I couldn't see them, but I could hear Potter having quite the argument with Ron Weasley and Granger---"

"Oh, like *that's* anything new..."

"Would you just let me finish? Hm? Thank you. Anyway, they were arguing, but not too loudly, like they didn't want anyone overhearing. But by the sound of it, Potter had done something that had the other two in a right noisy fit. And I'll tell you, it's a rare thing when Ron and Hermione gang up against *him*."

"I don't get it, that's still not a big thing."

"It is strange though, you have to admit. It's not often that Ron and Harry get into a fight and we all don't hear about it a 'forehand. Are you sure you couldn't hear their argument?"

"Oh, but there's the good part; I was able to catch a little of it, and it had something to do with Potter and Malfoy! And if I heard right, it was about the 'waving of the wands' in the none-combative manner, if you take my meaning…"

"Potter and Malfoy?!?"

"Ow! That's it; deafen me! And yeah, you heard me; Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy."

"You're the one that's not hearing right. That's positively daft."


"Too many blugders to the head, that's what it is…"

"Well sod you lot, see if I ever tell you anything again!"


"Do you think it's possible?"

"Anything is possible..."



"Get up and listen to me, you git! Now that gesture is totally uncalled for. Not that I'm not flattered mind you, you just aren't my type."

"Did have any particular reason for interrupting my sleep and babbling at me?"

"Yes. I have news, bad news. We have a problem…"


"Always. See, there are these rumors---"

"Have you heard? About Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy---"

"Well, that's simply splendid! Come on, lets go find Hermione and figure out how to handle this."

"Honestly, when was the last time just the two of us came up with a plan? It seems like we're always running off for her help. Like *she's* the only one with the brains around here. I'm feeling distinctly un-manly you know…"

"Ron, my friend, must I remind of you of the incident last week involving Neville, those poor rabbits, a slightly withered mint plant, and apple fritters?"

"...she's in the library."

"---Oh, you know what they say about there being a thin line between love and hate---"

"Nothing is with you is by halves, is it Harry?"

"Not usually. Normally I'd make some flippant comment about how boring that would be, but I've decided I'd actually like boring. It'd be a lovely break from the tedium of screaming chaos."

"Now you're just being a drama queen---Harry, stop doing that with your quill; its very disturbing. So, 'Mione, any suggestions?"

"I do have an idea that might just work. By now it's too late to stop the rumors all together, so what we're going to have to do is *distract* from them. Give them something better to gossip about. Ron?"


"How comfortable are you with your sexuality?"

"My God, you'll never believe this!"

"You mean Pansy Parkenson's new scarf? I don't believe it either!"

"What? No, no, not that. Though I do admit, I never thought that particular shade of purple even existed...but that's not the point! I were walking down by the lake and I saw Ron and Harry going along together---"

"Is THAT all? The tragedy! Be still my heart! I do believe I shall faint!"

"Let me finish, you bastard! They were holding hands!"


"Yes! Like lovers they were! All smiling and moony-eyed, a regular pair of turtledoves. Rather sweet, if you want to know the truth."

"Well, I did always wonder about those two. 'The one thing you can't live without' indeed. But what about that rumor going 'round about Harry and Draco?"

"Pure nonsense I reckon. Or someone got his or her information wrong. Either way, by the looks of it, Harry and Ron are certainly a couple."

"Heard about the latest romance around Hogwarts?"

"You mean the one between Professors Flitwick and McGonagall?"

"No, but thank you for that disturbing image. I was referring to Ron Weasley and Harry Potter. They've been going at it for months it seems and keeping it quiet from the rest of us. How's that for an accomplishment?"

"I sort of wondered. It does make sense though…they are so protective and caring of each other. But months you say?"

"That's what Moon was saying. Been going on for while."

"Huh, the things you learn. I must pass this on."

"So, Hermione, how's the plan working?"

"Ah...good! Better than good, actually. Boy, do those rumors spread..."


"No! It's good, really! I suggest playing it up a little more; just a few more 'doe-eye' moments and holding hands and it should be down prefect."

"I still can't believe we had to go and make people think me an' Harry are together."

"What, I'm not cute enough for you? Ron, I'm hurt! I think we'd make a striking couple!"

"Haha, very funny. Not only does that not appeal to me in the slightest, but there's that issue of a certain someone else who'd protest it."

"Ah, good point. Still...we could make it threesome...oooh, that's a lovely thought..."


"Harry, you're our friend, and we love you dearly, but could you please, *please* do us both the favor of not sharing you fantasy life with us?"

"Oh fine, be prudish..."

"You know, I'm not entirely sure about this whole 'Harry n' Ron being lovers' business."

"How so?"

"Well, I hate to say it, but...Ron was hitting on me the other day! Maybe they aren't really together or they broke up..."

"But I were walking down the road just yesterday, and saw them making those 'lover eyes' at each other. It certainly looked like they're still solid."

"Then, maybe..."

"Maybe, what?"

"Maybe they think we don't know about them being together! And this is Ron's way of hiding it!"

"Oh no! Poor dears! Well, we should let them keep pretending, at least for now."

"Agreed! Speaking of pretending, did you see the eyes Baddock was making at Ron? As if that Slytherin nobody could compete with Harry..."

"My dear Fred, this is most disturbing information."

"Indeed. It seems we must take it upon ourselves to give our beloved youngest brother a talking to."

"Oh, of course, there's no other choice for it."

"Terribly shameful thing we must do."

"Really terrible."


"I can't wait."

"Quick, lets find him!"

"Ron, you're looking pale. Is everything all right?"


"What happened?"

"fred and george took me talk."

"Oh dear."

"they know now, about the rumor thing. I tried harry, really I did...but..."

"No, it's okay, I understand. You don't have to tell me. Do they know about the rest?"

"No, no, I managed to keep that from them. They promised not to fact, they found it all very funny. Even offered to help."

"Not that I would take them up on it---I'm not that masochistic---but that's a relief anyway. You're still looking upset though, what else is wrong?"

"Before the twins napped me I was...well, talking to Eleanor Branstone."


"Okay, I was asking her out to lunch the next time we went to Hogsmead. Do you know what she did? Laughed at me and patted my head!"


"Like I was a five-year-old, Harry! Then she was all smiley and 'you don't need to hide, Ron' and 'we understand Ron'!"

"You know, Ron, considering that they think we're knocking boots..."

"I know! And that's the problem! I can't do this anymore, really I can't! And its not the just the lack of girl action---stop laughing damnit, I know I didn't have any even before this----Malcom Baddock was *hitting* on me Harry! Hitting on me!"

"Oh, Ron..."

"I can't take it anymore, Harry!"

"Shh, its okay, its okay! We'll talk to Hermione and get ready for that 'break-up fight' we planned. All right? We'll work it out, I promise."

Deep breath. "Okay."

"Do you need a hug?"

"...Don't make me hurt you."

"I don't know, this is lot sooner than I originally wanted..."

"That's the nice thing about plans, Hermione; they can be changed."

"This from the person who came up with the bright idea to do that with a mint plant..."

"That plan was brilliant! I don't care what you all say! It would have worked if only Neville hadn't---"

"Yes, we all know what Neville did. Lets not revisit it, shall we? Give me a day or two to properly re-design my plans and I'll get back to you."

"A day or two? That long?"

"Well, I do have to draw up charts and plot graphs and do the proper research and dance naked by firelight under the waxing moon...I mean, making and executing successful plans is tricky business, you know."

"---So it seems."

"---Can I watch?"

"---polishing his broom, indeed! Qudditch players, all the same; can only think of one thing. I swear I should dump him and did Ron Weasley just throw a gopblet full of pumpkin juice at Harry Potter?"

"Good God, he did! And they're having a tizzy of a fight! Oh, catch Miriam, I think she's about to faint; she's not used to that sort of language."

"Neither am I, my ears are burning. Where did they learn all that? Guess this means the love affair is off."

"To say the least. Must they throw all that food?"

"Terrible waste of good pudding if you ask me. Oop, there's goes Harry, storming off."

"Quite the image of righteous anger...if it weren't for the lettuce dripping off his shoulders. What do you think Ron did to upset him so?"

"Well, from what I've heard, he wasn't the most faithful of lovers..."

"---And they are still saying I cheated on you."

"It's only been a week Ron, give it time. Remember, it took nearly a month...for...that one...rumor..."

"Harry? Harry! What---Oh! Him. Gah. And yuck! I can barely tolerate all the mooning and sighing as it is, but if you keep on drooling like that---"

"Shut up, you're just bitter because you're not getting any."

::sullen muttering::

"Ooh! He's going into the tower! Come on; walk with me for a bit before I go up. Don't want anyone to see me following him."

----Sometime later---

"Oh damn, where did all those people come from? It was practically empty here just a minute ago."

"What does it matter? Just walk on past them. Surely none of them saw him go up, so they won't see the connection. Bunch of blind idiots at this school anyways."

"I can't walk past them. I can't even go near them."

"Why not?"

"Ron; it's my fan club."

"Ouch...wait, isn't that Hermione? What the hell is she doing in your fan club?"

"Spying. She's really good at that. Oh, and Colin Greeves makes these splendid cookies for their group meetings and Hermione is quite addicted to them. She brought me some once, absolutely fabulous!"

"I find you both very disturbing."

"And who had sex fantasies involving all the members of the Hornets Quidditch team? At once? Plus the broomsticks?"

"For God sake, it was just that one time! See if I ever confide in you again."

"I was, nevermind, we'll argue about it later. Flag down Hermione for me, I need to hide before one of them sees me."

"All right, all right."



"---I can't plague him for autographs, it wouldn't be---Oh, hi Ron!"

"Hermione, come here for a second. We need some sort of distraction for the...'lovebirds'."

"Oh, wonderful. Let me find Neville."


"You'll see."

Harry pushed open the door to the old classroom slowly, hoping the hinges wouldn't squeak and ruin the moment. Just as he'd expected, Draco was there seated on an old desk, reading a book. Sunlight poured in from the room's one window, framing Draco in a glowing halo that warmed his pale skin and turned his hair into a brilliant gold flame.

He was utterly breathtaking.

"Get lost on your way up the stairs?" Draco asked, not looking up from his book.

And damned annoying.

"No," Harry said, closing the door behind him and walking over to Draco. "My bloody fan club was blocking the entrance."

Draco marked his place with a 'Honk if you're a Deatheater' broom-sticker and gave Harry an assessing look. "It certainly doesn't look like you've been torn apart by rapid fangirls..."

"Acutally, Ron and Neville, distracting them for me." Harry started to slid an arm around Draco's shoulders, but the other teen jerked away from him.

"Neville's in on this too? Bloody hell Harry!" Draco slid off the desk and slammed the book down on it, "Have you forgotten why we are keeping this hidden? My father, Deatheaters, pain and suffering, my mother making wedding plans...any of this ring a bell?"

"I haven't forgotten," Harry said through gritted teeth, "Neville doesn't know anything, he's just doing this because Hermione asked him."

Draco frowned, watching Harry closely. After a moment, he relaxed, a smile softening his features. He opened his arms and Harry stepped into them with a cry of "My love!" Things got really sappy, melodramatic, and disgustingly romantic after that.

The sound of gagging came from behind a storage closet.

The boys sprang apart and made a big show of adjusting their clothing. They both glared at the storage closet, then at each other.

"Didn't you check the room for people first?" Harry whispered accusingly.

"Why would I? Nobody uses this room expect to make out and not even the kinkiest Ravenclaw would do it behind a closet!" Draco fixed his hair as best he could without a mirror.

"Draco, I wouldn't be anything past the students at this school," Harry said and sighed. "Well, we should see who it is."

"And kill them." Draco didn't sound at all dismayed.

The closet squeaked in terror.

As one, the boys pulled out their wands with a flourish and stalked toward the closet. The closet trembled before them. Together, they grabbed one side and pulled it away from the wall.

Ginny Weasley starred up at them fearfully.

A strange, dark light ignited in Draco's eyes and he lifted his wand gleefully. Harry grabbed him quickly.

"No! You can't kill her! Ron will castrate you!" Harry protested, adding quietly to himself; "And that's my favorite part."

"But she's knows our secret," Draco said, looking a little too eager, "She must be dealt with."


"Oh please, just one little curse? A couple fingers? They'll grow right back!"

"Damnit Draco! Look, Ginny's a good person, she won't tell on us." Harry looked at the witch in question who was now sitting straighter. "Right?" Harry knew she adored him and would do anything for him.

Ginny took a deep breath. "What will you give me for it?" Ginny had been taking lessons from the Twins.

"How about we let you get out of here alive and whole?" Draco knew intimidation was the best policy.

"Go ahead; that'll add assault and battery, in addition to abject humiliation when your father finds out about this." Ginny had also suffered at the hand of the selfsame Twins, and didn't find Draco at all impressive.

"What do you want?" Harry knew that when all else failed, bribery was the way to go.

Ginny grinned.

"HARRY POTTER AND GINNY WEASLEY?? How many people is this boy shagging??"

"They were only kissing!"

"That wasn't kissing; that was pure, unadulterated, sucking face. I've seen married couples that were less expressive."

"Do you reckon Draco Malfoy is sweet on Ginny? He was certainly looking murderous during the whole incident."

"I don't know anymore. This entire place is utterly insane. I mean, just the other day, me and the rest of the Harry Potter Fan Club saw Ron and Neville making out by the pond----"