"Bring marshmallows." Rob said, just before hanging up the phone. I wasn't exactly sure why, but I stopped at Whole Foods on the way and picked up a bag of jumbo sized marshmallows without asking questions.
I arrived at the Water for Elephants set after a short drive. Dean met me at my car, and then walked me over to where Rob was filming. I stayed off to the side because I didn't want to distract him, but I was able to see him and Reese through the monitor.
"CUT! That's a wrap for tonight. Looks good, Rob." The director, Francis, said, giving him a pat on the shoulder. Rob was smiling and he caught my eye when he went to give Reese a hug, so I smiled back and lifted a hand, barely waving.
"Kristen." He called out. Reese spun around to look at me. I hadn't met her before because I didn't want to visit Rob on set until he was more comfortable. It was more of a distraction when the project was first beginning, but once we established the relationships with our new cast members, visiting each other on set was great for both of us.
I walked up to them and smashed the bag of mashmallows to Rob's chest. "Per your request." I said with a smile. "Hi, I'm Kristen." I said, turning to Reese and reaching out to give her a hug. I loved introducing myself to new people even though she had probably heard my name millions of times over the last couple of weeks.
"Gosh, you're so pretty in person, and tiny! And blonde? I didn't know you were blonde!" She said as she hugged me back.
"Yeah, it's new... for a project." I laughed, a little guarded, and thanked her. She then asked about On the Road and I told her about it. She knew of the book and was extremely complimentary and excited for me.
"I love these costumes. I passed by a bunch of extras in all their circus outfits; it looks really great." I turned to Rob. He was caked with fake dirt and wearing suspenders with grey pants and a undone button up shirt with a white sleeveless shirt underneath. He looked even better dirty than he did clean. I smiled at him and he returned it. I hadn't seen him all day and I couldn't stop turning my gaze to him throughout my conversation with Reese, even though she was incredibly charismatic and lovely.
"Well, I gotta get home and feed my kids before they starve to death. I assume Rob is going to make you feed the animals with those marshmallows?"
Rob nodded with a laugh and I was suddenly excited. Rob knew how much I loved animals and he wouldn't stop talking about how amazing they were when he came home from filming. When he realized it made me jealous, he talked about it even more.
"It was so nice meeting you. I think I'll be around more often." I hugged her again.
"Oh, you too! I'll see you." She said, then walked off to her trailer to go home.
As soon as we were alone, Rob grabbed my waist and pulled me against him, then kissed me. He tasted and smelled a bit like dirt, but I was dying to be close to him, so I didn't mind.
One of the best parts about Rob and I visiting each other on movie sets was that they were ironically camera-free zones. Staff members would get in trouble for taking photos and a lot of money went into making sure the paparazzi weren't able to get shots. Sometimes it's impossible to stop paparazzi because the locations are too open, but Rob and I were safe this night.
"What did you do all day?" Rob asked as we started to walk to where they kept the animals.
"Well, I was with Tom mostly, going over On the Road stuff. Now that he got the part, you have even more of a reason to come visit me in Montreal." I said, nudging him.
"You know, we were going over scheduling for this [Water for Elephants] today... Francis and I, and I don't think I'll be able to see you for a fucking month. Maybe a little bit shorter than that, but a month."
We were walking slowly and there were various crew members passing by in the studio, likely headed home for the night.
"You'll be working. I'll be working. We'll be all right." I grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze, keeping my eyes forward. His eyes were fixed on the side of my face, making me subconsciously look down to my feet in response. I didn't want to face him.
'It's just been awhile since we've been away for more than three days in a row or so. It's going to be strange." He was speaking in a near whisper and I could sense how upset the thought of it was making him. It was endearing, but I didn't want to talk about it. I wanted to stay in my state of denial until I absolutely had to accept the truth.
Rob pushed open the door of the studio and we were outside. The air was warm, but there was a cool breeze and the sky was completely clear. I looked up and there were a million stars. Everything looked so beautiful.
Ahead of us were huge cages, but cage wasn't the right word. These were much nicer than cages. The animals were completely taken care of and pampered here. The workers had just cleaned the animals and their temporary homes for the night, but they left the lights on for us and the animals were still awake and roaming around. There were twenty-four hour crew members who were there all night for the animals, making sure they were safe, clean, and fed. It was like a little mini zoo for the movie. Rob had told them we were coming out here tonight, though, so the workers stayed inside until we finished up.
We stopped just before we reached the tiger and Rob took a big step and stood in front of me, stopping me in my tracks. I reached a hand up to touch his dirty face. "I don't leave for two weeks. We'll be together everyday until then." I said, trying to give him some assurance.
"Good." He said. Unconvincing.
"I'm not going- I mean, I am going somewhere...but, you know what I mean. What are you so worried about?" I scoffed as I spoke and ran my index finger past his cheek and over his lips.
"It's completely idiotic."
"It is so stupid... I can't even say it." Rob clutched the bag of marshmallows tighter and turned around to walk, but I grabbed him by his suspender and pulled him back to me before he could turn around.
His mood was more than confusing and I didn't want to leave the questions in the air because I wanted to enjoy the night with him. "The only thing stupid right now is you. Tell me what's wrong." I grabbed both of his suspenders and pulled them tight. "I'm gonna snap them on you." I raised my brow and he finally cracked a small smile, but it didn't last long.
"There's nothing you can do to change it, so I don't want to think about it. Just come on."
I pulled the suspenders further away, taking an actual step back. I was so confused and I wasn't doing anything before he told me what was bothering him.
"All right, all right. Don't break my costume. The costume department is going to kill me for not changing." He put his free hand onto one of mine and loosened up my grip, taking a step closer to me again. "I'll tell you."
"Difficult. Let's hear it." I said, letting go of his suspenders gently.
"All right. Don't cut me off."
"Do I usually?"
"No- Well, I don't know. Just don't right now."
He ran his fingers through the top part of his hair where it was longer as he spoke. "This is the first film in which you'll be having sex scenes with other guys since we've been together."
I didn't say anything because I assumed he had a lot to say since he told me not to cut him off, but he stopped talking too. I stared into his eyes in disbelief for what had to be a minute.
"Can I talk?" I finally asked.
"So nothing I say is going to make you feel better about it? That's why you didn't want to tell me?"
"You can't control feelings and with me not being there for a month, it's... it's fucked up." He pulled at his hair.
I grabbed his face and stood on my toes to press my lips to his. He gave me a half-ass kiss back, so I pulled my face back a little, keeping close. "You've had plenty of sex scenes." I reminded him. "Did it change anything for you?"
"No, but it's you."
"Don't give me a fucking double standard."
"What I mean is they're guys. They're inevitably going to want to fuck you and if they get to know you they'll probably want to more than fuck you and they have to get to know you, so..."
"Are you even hearing yourself right now?" I pulled back more, returning to my flat feet, and letting my arms fall to my sides.
"First of all, you're crazy. Secondly, one of them is married. Third, well... there is no third- wait, you are, like, the biggest fucking cinephile. You know and appreciate how movies and actors work. Also...do you have ANY faith in me whatsoever? This is...insulting." I turned around for a second, taking a step away from him and he leant a hand onto my shoulder.
"Listen, all right." He said, in a near whisper.
"I'm listening, Rob."
"I just don't want to lose you."
I turned back around, crossing my arms over my chest. I looked up at him with a pout.
"How do I not lose you? I don't know what I'm doing. I've never cared this much."
"That's exactly how, though. Just don't stop caring. You're not losing me." I choked out, bringing my arms up to touch his face. He placed the bag of marshmallows on the ground and then wrapped his arms around me.
"It's not you I don't trust, you know? Maybe they're cool guys, but I don't know them."
I wiggled my arms between us and untucked his shirt, then slipped my hands underneath it, onto his back. "I don't either... but Sam is married and Tom is Tom and I think Garrett has a girlfriend. Not that any of that matters anyway because YOU are the only person whose relationship status matters to me."
"It's gonna be tough."
"Just as tough for me as it will be for you. Don't single yourself out in this. You don't love or miss me any more than I do you."
"Mm." He hummed quietly. We weren't used to being this candid about feelings, but sometimes it was necessary to get these things out there. To let each other know through words how much the other meant. Actions speak louder most of the time, but sometimes you have to bite the bullet and tell someone what you are feeling.
"I'll marry you one day, Kristen Stewart."
"Just a few months and you might get your wish." I said, referring to Breaking Dawn. He got my stupid joke and finally smiled, making me feel a million pounds lighter. Rob was always smiling and when he wasn't, everything just felt off.
I let my hands slide out of the back of his shirt and then grabbed his hand and the bag of marshmallows from the ground.
"I'm serious." He said.
"Is that a yes?"
"Yes." I kicked him lightly. "Now are we going to feed the elephant some marshmallows or what?"
We got over to Tai and she was lying down. Her eye lids opened up and it was hard to see in the dim lighting, but she was beautiful. And massive.
Rob opened up the bag of marshmallows and popped one in his mouth. I shook my head at him and then dug my hand in the bag and took out a handful, and then held it out to the bars of her cage. She reached her trunk out, between the bars, still laying down, and grabbed the marshmallows like a vacuum with her trunk, delivering them to her mouth right after.
Rob and I both started laughing. "She's amazing, isn't she?" Rob was in awe. It was cute.
We fed the whole bag to Tai and then walked around to look at the other animals with our hands entwined. Many were sleeping, so we walked by slowly and quietly, as if they would mind if we woke them up.
Since it was Saturday, Rob was off the next day. Sunday was the only definite day off for actors and Rob and I took every advantage of that privilege when either of us was working.
On the way home, we picked up Taco Bell. And when we got home we took the bag of taco supremes and gorditas out to the back and sat around the fire pit. Rob lit the fire and I lit us a cigarette.
"Why don't you just take out another one?" He asked me with a little laugh when I passed it to him.
I shrugged. Truthfully, it was only because I quite liked sharing cigarettes with him.
I grabbed a taco from the bag and took a bite while Rob went inside to get the pack of Heineken from the fridge.
I finished my taco and Rob finished two. We were both too full to keep eating any more, so we moved closer together. Rob sipped his beer with his arm around my shoulder.
"You're quiet." I noted. The fire crackling was the only sound and I didn't mind the silence, but silence usually freaked Rob out, so it was weird for him to be so quiet around me. "What are you thinking about?"
His lips made a puckering sound when he removed them from bottle of Heineken. "Stuff." He said, laughing at himself.
I turned my head to give him a look and his face was just an inch or so from mine. I switched my gaze to the pack of Heineken and Rob was already on his fifth, hours had passed without us even realizing. "You're drunk."
He pressed his lips to mine. They were urgent and wet with beer. I curled my legs underneath myself and made my way onto his lap slowly as he kissed me.
I slipped both hands under his shirt. My hands were cold against the warmth of his chest and I could feel goosebumps rising as I moved my hands around.
Rob laid back onto the ground and the bottle of beer knocked over, spilling all over his jeans. He just laughed. I pulled his shirt over his head, laughing too.
Sitting with my legs straddled over his lap, I pulled my shirt over my head and unclipped my black bra. He reached up and slipped the bra straps off of my shoulders.
"You're so sexy." He breathed, reaching up to cup my breasts.
Being with Rob was...the best. I learned, after sleeping with him, that there are very different levels to loving someone when it came to sex. Previously, sex was still great, but it wasn't like this. Rob made me feel like I was beautiful in a very distinct way. However corny it may sound - he made me feel like a woman. Not a little girl getting off with her best friend, but a beautiful, sexy, desired woman.
We rolled around on the stone of the back porch, hastily undressing each other the best we could. I felt my body scraping against the ground and Rob winced a few times when I pushed him into it a little too hard, but nothing was stopping either of us.
Once fully undressed, I whispered "touch" simply into Rob's ear, and then nibbled on his earlobe. He followed my direction and my hips twitched instinctively once he did.
I kissed him slowly while he moved two of his fingers around inside of me, moving my hips down to force them in deeper.
Once I was wet enough, I pulled Rob's back off the ground and he took his fingers out of me, kissing me the whole time. I kneeled onto both sides of him and he rested his hand on the ground behind himself for support.
Reaching down, I felt that Rob was already completely hard in my hand, so I guided him inside of me, and started to move up and down on him slowly.
We kept our mouths to each others, though neither of us could catch our breath long enough to hold for a kiss, so instead, we breathed against each other as I moved up and down.
I clutched Rob's hair and his back for support, gripping my fingers so tightly I thought it might leave a mark. He held my bum with one of his hands, squeezing tighter every time I went down.
I could swear I heard Rob whisper fuck you when he came, followed closely by a very clear "I love you too much."
He leaned his head down and caught the skin of my neck in is teeth, biting a little at first, then sucking as he moaned.
I threw my head back and went down for the last time before I, too, orgasmed.
We stayed in that position, with our foreheads touching for a few minutes. Rob kept nodding is head forward, towards my lips, so I finally took hold of his neck and straightened it out to kiss him.
"What did you do?" Jackie, the costume designer asked Rob.
My mouth gaped open in the corner of the room. I was sitting on a chair with my knees up, listening to my iPod as Rob tried on different outfits for his costume.
How did a whole day pass without me noticing the intense scraping on Rob's back from the stone. There were also actual finger nail marks, my finger nails. I barely even had finger nails, so I must have been digging pretty fucking deep.
I pulled one ear phone out, suddenly incredibly embarrassed.
"What?" Rob asked, turning his back to a mirror. He craned his neck to take a look and then looked straight at me with a smile that looked far too proud for how embarrassed I was.
Jackie was laughing. From Rob's look and the marks that could only be nail marks, she (luckily) didn't have to ask any further questions. "Oh, wow. Ok. Well. Looks like we're going with the wife beater when you get the shit kicked out of you unless you want to explain why you need to put concealer on your back to Robin [makeup artist].
"I didn't want to be shirtless anyway, so thanks Kristen." Rob gave me another proud smirk and I shook my head. I put the headphone back into my ear and watched as he got his costume on.
For every day that I wasn't preparing for On the Road, I was with Rob on set. And if I was busy, I went to Rob's set directly after. No one ever saw me there. The entire crew was amazing and trustworthy and the sets were pretty enclosed most days. Rob showed me off like a prize and every day made me feel like I was the best in the world. Even in front of Christoph and Reese, two Oscar-winning actors, Rob made me feel completely wanted and at home. And thus, more and more in love with him every day.
About a week into July, Rob and I had our final appearance for Eclipse promotion. We were asked in the morning if we would show up at a movie theater after Eclipse had played to say hello to the fans on opening night. We were both extremely apprehensive because it was a midnight showing where all of the really, really hardcore fans would be on the loose.
I met with Garrett for the first time that day and he showed me all of the notes that he'd written for On the Road. He was completely in character. It was almost freaky and it was making me ten times more excited to start shooting the movie.
I told Rob all about it when I got to the Water for Elephants set and his viewpoint changed a lot. He felt a lot better about everything after he knew that Garrett was a good guy and completely, seriously into the role... And not me.
Rob changed into his normal clothes and we headed over to the theater. Dean called while we were on the way and ensured us that it was safe and we would be covered, but both of us were really nervous.
I latched onto Rob in the backseat and he played idly with my hair. "It's getting lighter, your hair." He noted.
"Mhm. You smell good."
"Good job." I said with a laugh.
"I hope none of my haters are in that theater. It's going to be easy access for them to pull my hair or something."
"I'll fucking kill 'em." Rob said, kind of jokingly.
I laughed and shook my head. "But really. My haters are intense. The fans who like me are too, but I think they hate me more than the others love me. They're like...-"
"Crazy. I know. Usually they're my fans too, which is embarrassing. Sorry for my fans." He said with a little laugh.
"They want you. They want yoOooOOu so baaaaAaaad, babe." I quoted in a sing songy voice.
Rob kissed me with his smile plastered on his face.
"Too bad." He said as he pulled away.
"Hey now, don't be arrogant." I teased.
The car stopped and we both turned to the window at the same time, seeing the back entrance to the theater right outside. It was the emergency exit for the theater they were in.
"You'll be in and out quickly-"
"What she said." I mumbled under my breath, but Rob heard. He looked quickly to me and smiled, and then back to the handler. We were always able to whisper things to each other with other people around without anyone else hearing. People always thought it was weird, but I loved doing it. Especially on red carpets.
"Security is tight. Just greet them, say whatever you want. You don't have to answer any questions. They didn't know they were getting anything, so just you being there will be enough. You don't have to sign. The theater will be dark." He droned on. Rob kept squeezing my hand. We were being really mature about listening to directions.
The guy was right, though, we were barely in there for ten minutes. I could barely make out any faces in the dark theater and everyone seemed overall happy with our visit - no chaos.
"You were all nervous for nothing." Rob said as we walked into Soho House for dinner. Soho House was fast becoming one of our favorite spots because it was completely safe. If anyone took a picture and sold it in there, they would probably have their asses beat. And there was an underground parking lot for members only. The celebrities who wanted to be photographed came and left through the front entrance, and the ones who didn't (very few), used the underground entrance. It was perfect for us.
The following night, we went to see Sam Bradley's show at Hotel Cafe. Listening to him sing the songs live in a concert setting was making me feel nostalgic for the first time Rob and I watched him live together, the first time I even met Sam. Things were so much different then.
I clutched Rob's hand and he brought me against his chest as Sam sang "Too Far Gone." Tom was yelling and clapping next to us when he was nearing the end and I laughed into Rob's chest. Rob was singing along "you got it, got it all, so hold on..." I listened to his voice amongst the plethora of voices in the venue because it was the only one I wanted to hear in the moment. I wanted to kiss him and, though I knew I shouldn't, I did. Quick. He swayed me in his arms and I buried my head in his chest, only letting go when Sam's set was over, to yell and clap for him with Rob and Tom.
The next few days went so quickly. Rob's schedule picked up, so I was hanging around with Tom a lot, and cooking even more. The three of us went to Bobby Long's gig two days before I left for Montreal, but Rob had to leave early. He loved working, but it was a hard for us, knowing that our time was so limited.
Rob managed to escape Bobby's gig before it even began unseen, but by the time it was over, the paparazzi had found out I was there, and they were waiting for me. The venue had no private entrance and I had no security.
Tom and I walked to the exit and the flashes went off. He called the driver to find out where he was and we moved as quick as we could past the photographers, and then drove to Tom and Bobby's hotel. Rob met us there when he was done filming and we both spent the night.
When the car rolled up to LAX, it really started to set in. I wouldn't see Rob for a month.
I left on a Sunday, so that Rob could drive me to the airport. The radio was humming low in the background, but we heard the DJ going on about how today was a total solar eclipse.
"Ironic." I tried to laugh, but it was all wrong.
"That the day you're leaving me for a month, we can't see the sun?" Rob grabbed his hair. He was trying to laugh...or something, too.
"I peeked out the window one more time as I saw my bodyguard getting out of the front seat. "Fuck."
I looked to Rob's hand and started fidgeting with it, playing with his fingers.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck." I repeated.
"You gotta go." He pulled his hand away and grabbed at his hair.
"Beat camp, here I come."
"It'll be good."
"More than good, I know. But I'll miss you."
"I will miss you."
I pulled myself up from my slouch on the backseat and put myself onto Rob's lap. We kissed for a long while. I assume my bodyguard knew and the driver in the front seat didn't seem to give a shit.
The last tender minutes together were over with a knock. The door creeked open and my bodyguard let me know there were photographers creeping in, so I should get inside before it got crazy.
"Call when you land." Rob said.
I grabbed my backpack - well, Rob's backpack (technically), and headed off. He tapped my bum when I was crawling my way out of the car and whispered "I love you."
I looked back and he was smiling. "I love you."
At least when I walked in and he pulled away, we were both able to smile.
The first week of Beatnik bootcamp was so fun. I almost forgot to miss Rob. Almost. But then I would catch a glimpse of Sam Riley and his wife so in love and all I wanted was to steal a quick look at Rob how we always did. I missed the looks and laughs more than I could have imagined possible.
Sam, Garrett, and I were getting along great, though. We all had similar ideas about the characters and our dynamics were perfect. Walter was sometimes hard to understand through his thick accent and inability to speak completely fluently in English, but he was undeniably brilliant and he believed in me and what I was doing.
At night, I went out with the guys a lot. We went bowling one night and people recognized me there.
"Does that ever get annoying?" Sam asked when we were both waiting for Garrett to finish his turn.
"Just feeling like everyone is watching you. The fans are usually cool."
"So, right now, you feel like everyone is watching you?"
"God, that sounds so...almost vain." I scoffed. "But kind of. I look around a lot and if I catch someone's eye, I feel like they know who I am...or they're like... 'Hey, she looks familiar.' I don't know. It's hard to explain without just sounding completely conceited."
"No, no. I get it. I've heard people in your situation explain it similarly. I can't imagine it, though." He shook his head. It looked like he felt bad for me, so I made a joke to lighten the mood, and we went on with our game.
Rob called in the car, on the way back to where we were staying. "Hi." I breathed.
"Hi." His voice was low.
The guys were in the car, but it wasn't awkward. We'd exposed so much of ourselves in the first week of pre-production that they felt like lifelong friends. On the Road was already one of the most unique, life-altering experiences of my life in a week. I couldn't imagine how I would feel at the end.
"I just beat Sam and Garrett in bowling." I laughed lightly and tugged at my bottom lip as I spoke.
They both started to yell that it was a close game. They were being honest, though. We were all almost even, but it didn't matter. "I still beat you." I said over both of them. They laughed and I could hear Rob laughing a bit on the other end of the phone.
"Put Rob on face time." Sam said as I was telling Rob about the day.
Rob and I had both just gotten the iPhone, but we'd never done that before, so Sam took control and told Rob how to accept the request after he sent it.
I looked at the phone and Rob was holding it the wrong way because instead of him, I saw our bedroom, which was in shambles.
"Oh my god! What did you do in there?"
"I was getting my shit packed for Chattanooga." He was cracking up. Rob was going there soon for more Water for Elephants filming. "Wait, how do you see that? I see you."
"Turn the phone around." I was cracking up. This was so Rob and I was so smitten.
"You two are hilarious." Sam chimed in. "You're more married than Alex and I."
Rob finally turned the phone around and my heart skipped. He looked tan from being in the sun constantly. So, so good.
The three of us were all talking to Rob until we got back to the hotel. I hung up for a minute to say good night to them and everyone, and then called right back when I got to my room.
"You know what I just realized?"
"What?" I asked.
"We have the commentary tomorrow." He sounded astonished.
"You...forgot?" I laughed.
"I couldn't forget because I've been dreading it since I agreed to it."
"Why just us?"
"No idea. Conspiracy."
"We should start making really strange noises the whole time." Rob was laughing. "Like, in between commenting, just be like...mer...ehh, freh, teeh."
"That doesn't even make sense."
"Are you high?"
"No." He choked.
"Kehh." I laughed softly.
"You wanna know what Sam told me today, when you called this morning."
"I almost don't want to tell you because I don't want you to do it on purpose now."
"Well now you have to, Kristen." I could hear the smile in his voice, if that was even possible.
"He made a comment about how when someone is in love with you, they call without reason. And you always do that. You never really ask anything at all when you call. We talk, like, just to talk..to hear each other...anyway, I like it."
Rob was laughing at me now. "You are soo..."
"Yeah, that is what I was going to say."
"That is true."
"True is that."
I don't know when in the conversation it happened, but I fell asleep with the phone to my ear and it was completely out of battery when I woke up in the morning.
I was given a break from work for the day while Sam and Garrett did more work on their character's friendship, so before I went to the studio where I was going to watch the movie, I walked around Montreal by myself for awhile. I kept my head down and my hood up the whole time, but the walk alone was so soothing. I was rarely ever alone anymore. No security, no driver, nothing.
I got to the studio and was informed that Rob was already hooked up to the headphones. When I put them on I heard him rumpling papers.
"What is that?"
"I've just gone to In 'N Out. I'm starving. I'm going to eat while we do this. Also they gave me this question sheet and I'm looking through it. I'm going to ask you them the whole time." He laughed.
"Only you would have the balls to eat a cheeseburger while you're hooked up to a recorder, for a DVD bought by millions, literally, millions of people." I laughed.
"You're just jealous."
"I am." I said, honestly. "Bring me a cheeseburger when you come."
We got through the commentary without saying anything too embarrassing. Rob called as soon as we were done. He was driving home. It always pissed me off when he called while he was driving because he could barely drive as it was, but he always guilted me into not hanging up.
One thing this new long distance thing taught me was how close Rob and I had become. It was so different from the year before when we were away. We didn't talk nearly as much, but now, it was like we couldn't talk enough. Any and every time I was able, I called him. Sometimes we stayed silent or bought the same movie from the TV and watched it together. Other times we vented or rambled about random things that happened during the day. We only did face time with Sam and Garrett the one night, the rest of the time it was just our voices.
If I could talk to Rob for more hours in a day than I slept and still light up every time his name popped up on the screen of my phone, I knew what we had really was forever.