Chapter Eighty-Nine: The Sort of End
Rule Number Eighty-Nine: Don't mess with an Akatsuki whore
"Attention! Attention! … Everybody shut up or I will wring you all from neck to neck and feed you the rabid tailed-beasts and watch as Warg and Jashin takes bets on which one of you miserable souls lasts the longest!"
Silence. The Akatsuki stopped talking and turned to look along the length of the booth as Leader and Konan stood upright, glaring impatiently at everyone. The Akatsuki was crowded around a table in a bar, all debating bets on who could drink the most tonight without passing out. Leader, however, had different visions for how this meeting was going to go (visions that most definitely did not involve alcohol).
"Finally," muttered Leader. "Now, as you all know, we are here to discuss a very important issue – where are we going to find a new hideout?"
"Leader," said Kisame, leanng back in his seat and draping one arm around my shoulders. "Come on, we just finished a massive war against the Wargonians. We've stopped fighting for – what – two days?"
From across the table, Deidara nodded. "We've been working non-stop, uhn."
"Give us a break," said Hidan. "I'm fucking tired."
Leader sighed. "This is an important issue and we need to discuss it. You can party after we finish discussing."
"Don't be such a stick in the mud," said Kisame. "We have plenty of time to discuss the new hideout later." He waved his hand in the air to catch the waitress' attention. "Drink up, be hearty, the real work can start tomorrow."
"Hear, hear!" said Hidan, waving to the waitress as well.
"Don't act all cool, shithead," said Dessie, kicking Hidan beneath the table. "You make a sad drunk."
"Silence, my apprentice," said Hidan gravely. "Don't you know how shitty it is to talk to your honorable teacher like that?"
Hannah snorted. "Did Hidan just refer to himself as honorable?"
Grimly, Kakuzu nodded. "I never thought I'd see the day."
"You know," said Deidara. "Student-teacher romances are all the rage nowadays." He turned to Dessie and winked obviously. "I'm rooting for you, bitch."
Dessie glared. "If you keep going on like that, I'm quitting the Bang and Drop team."
"That's alright," said Deidara, resting his arm on Hannah's shoulder and leaning on her, with a triumphant grin on his face. "I've got my back up 'Drop' – and she's much sexier."
"Oh, you did not just say that," said Dessie, raising her fist.
Zetsu growled and started getting to his feet. "We're hungry. And a blond fur ball looks particularly appetizing tonight."
"You get him, Zetsu," said Dessie.
I giggled and added to Deidara, "This is the part where you run."
Leader sighed and massaged his temples wearily. "Fine… I will let you party to your heart's content." A great cheer rose up amongst the Akatsuki and the rest of Leader's words were drowned out, though I suspect it was some sort of threat about how if we ever tried this again he would rip us from limb to limb. Though, of course, I can't be sure.
Kisame started handing out the bottles of sake that the waitress brought us and soon I found myself clutching an untouched bottle while Kisame downed his in stances and Dessie and Hidan were already making plans to see how many bottles they could drink before they died. Deidara and Zetsu, of course, never got their sake since Zetsu started hunting Deidara and Deidara was forced to flee.
"Aw," said Kisame. "I was looking forward to Deidara getting drunk." He turned to me with a sloppy grin on his face and said, "Do you think if Zetsu and Hannah got drunk again they might both get a divorce?"
"Don't be mean," I said. "Poor Zetsu, everyone's rooting for Deidara…"
I shook my head. "Team Zetsu all the way."
Kisame sighed and elbowed me in the ribs. "Well, I guess I have to be Team Zetsu too then." He turned and looked across the restaurant where Zetsu was trying to nibble on Deidara's leg while Deidara was trying to kick Zetsu in the face. "Go Zetsu! Gnaw that leg off! Bite! Bite! Bite! Sink your teeth into it!"
I collapsed into a fit of giggles while Kisame helped himself to another bottle of sake.
"You know," said Kakuzu thoughtfully. "It must be hard for Tobi to drink under that mask… Actually, I've never seen Tobi drink sake… yet somehow he always ends up drunk…"
We all turned to look down the table where Tobi sat next to Itachi, hiccupping and giggling like a little girl. "You know, Itachi," Tobi was saying. "You're very, very hot."
Itachi edged away.
I snickered. "Tobi… You bad boy."
Tobi turned to look at me. His one visible eye crinkled in delight and Tobi clapped his hands delightedly. "Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy!"
"How much have you had to drink?" asked Kakuzu. "We've been drinking for a whole five minutes…"
"Drink?" Tobi looked confused.
Kisame let out a bark of laughter. "Tobi is Tobi. He doesn't need to be drunk to act like that."
I laughed. "Tobi's a good boy… He's always sober."
Tobi clapped his hands and jumped to his feet. He leaned across the table – until he was practically lying on it – and wrapped his arms around my neck. "Tobi loves Kate-Nunu!" He giggled and then let go to return to his seat beside Itachi. Then, as if stuck by sudden inspiration, he turned around and flung his arms around Itachi's neck too. "Tobi loves Itachi-Nunu!" Then, Tobi let go and hugged Kakuzu. "Tobi loves Kakuzu-Nunu too."
"Great," said Hannah. "Now he's just giving the title away."
"You can have it," said Kakuzu. "I'd pay not to be a Nunu."
We all turned our heads to the far end of the table (past where Dessie and Hidan were still having their intense drinking game) to where Leader and Konan sat, working on their third bottles of sake.
"I haven't had sake in so long," said Leader. "I'd forgotten how good this stuff is."
"When was the last time we got drunk?" asked Konan thoughtfully.
"Hannah's birthday party…" supplied Itachi.
"That was almost a year ago…" said Dessie suddenly between gulps of sake. "Whoa… We've been in the Fence for almost a year now…"
"With breaks in between," I added. "We did visit Earth every now and again…"
"And Wargonia," said Dessie. She shuddered. "Crappy place."
Someone elbowed me in the ribs and I looked up to see Kisame grinning and leaning over me. I glanced at him curiously and he bent over to whisper in my ear, "Leader and Konan seem very drunk tonight."
My eyes flitted over to where Leader and Konan were finishing up their bottles of sake. A snicker spurted through my lips and quickly covered it up. I raised my head to whisper in Kisame's ear, "I think I see a Hanetsu coming…"
Kisame laughed and quickly kissed me on the lips. "The Love Guru has some work to do."
We got to our feet and slipped out of the booth. Kisame turned and saluted the Akatsuki, saying, with a villainous grin, "We shall return – with wedding equipment." He smirked at Konan and Leader before heading towards the exit to find a priest and a bridal store – the Love Guru and his helping Cupid are back in action!
"They're all crazy," muttered Kakuzu.
I didn't know if he was talking about Kate and Kisame (who were plotting on marrying Leader and Konan) or Deidara and Zetsu (who were still trying to kill each other). So, instead, I had another draught of sake as an excuse not to answer.
"You've only had four bottles," cried Hidan. "I've had five."
"You shitty liar," snapped Dessie, waving an empty sake bottle in Hidan's face. "I've had four and you've had four – we equal, you dumbshit. Quit trying to cheat."
"Don't argue with your teacher," said Hidan. "I am all knowing."
"Isn't that the biggest, fattest lie I've ever heard."
I sigh and rubbed my head. "Tomorrow morning is going to be interesting."
Kakuzu snorted. "Massive hangovers, possible weddings, and massive bites marks – yep, tomorrow's going to be fun."
"You want to know what the best part is," I said, leaning back in my seat. "Itachi gets to be dead sober for all of it. The one morning where we actually try to be quite – and we're all too miserable to care. But Itachi…"
"Hn." Itachi was now sitting on the opposite side of the table from me (he had edged that far away from Tobi, who had now fallen asleep on the booth seats).
"You enjoy laughing at our drunkness, don't you?" I said.
"Now," said Dessie, turning away from Hidan to point at Itachi. "Original Hottie is just too cool to get drunk. If he got drunk and acted stupid, it would ruin his image. So he stays sober and is just so hot like that…" She giggled maniacally and had another sip of sake.
"She's crazy…" said Leader. He laughed. "Crazy… Crazy… Crazy bitch…"
"Yay," said Dessie. "I'm a bitch."
"A hot bitch," supplied Hidan helpfully.
Dessie turned around and flipped him off. "I know I'm hot, shithead. I don't need a Bloody-Hottie like you to tell me."
"Wait a second," said Leader, raising his hands in the universal signal for 'stop'. "Hold the phones. Did Dessie just call Hidan a Hottie?"
I turned my head to gawp at Leader. "Did you just say hold the phones?"
"I don't know which is more incredible," said Kakuzu.
Hidan, however, looked quite pleased with this outcome. "So I finally get to join the Hottie harem? Do I get to be head of the harem, Dessie?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," she said, folding her arms. "I was acting British. Bloody… naughty. Not Hottie. Naughty."
"She's in denial," said Kakuzu.
The door to the bar opened and a blue shark-man and his girlfriend (blond and giggly) came rushing in. Kisame came to stand behind Leader and Konan, a devilish grin splashed across his face.
"Kisame," said Konan. "You missed it. Dessie called Hidan a Bloody-Hottie."
"Bloody naughty…" muttered Dessie.
"She did?" asked Kisame. "Damn, I missed it?"
"Kisame," hissed Kate, beaming up at him. "The plan, the plan…"
"Oh right. Kisame turned to Leader and Konan and clapped his hands loudly to catch their attention. "Guess what! We found a possible hideout! We found a possible hideout!"
Leader looked confused. "Aren't we in the middle of a town…?"
"Er… It's a very good hideout…"
"Probably in a church," muttered Hidan.
"Come one! Come on!" cried Kate, grabbing hold of Konan's wrist and pulling her in the direction of the door. "We want to show you the hideout. It's really cool."
With a sigh, Konan and Leader got out of their seat (bad idea) and followed Kisame and Kate out of the bar in search of the new hideout (again, bad idea). The rest of us watched them go and, when they had disappeared from view, we turned back to face each other.
"They're doomed," I said.
"We're going to have an interesting morning tomorrow…" said Dessie. "I blame Kate."
"Hey Dessie… Guess what," said Hidan as he finished his bottle of sake. "I'm up to six. What about you?"
Dessie glanced at her own half-filled bottle. Fuck shit god damnit," she said, and started chugging down her bottle. When she had finished, she slammed it on the table and reached for another one. "I'll be damn if I lose to you."
Their drinking war continued and I sighed. Turning to face Kakuzu I swooshed around the contents of my bottle wearily.
"So," said Kakuzu. "What are you going to do about your lover boys over there?"
He nodded to the far end of the bar and I looked over my shoulder to see that Deidara was now trying to stuff massive amount of clay down Zetsu's Venus flytrap while Zetsu attempted to pull out massive amounts of Deidara's blond hair.
"What about them?" I asked.
"Are you going to get together with Deidara or stayed married to Zetsu?"
I paused and considered this carefully. Then, with a swing of sake, I turned to Kakuzu and grinned. "How about both. I might have a thing for Deidara, but I don't really want to divorce Zetsu…"
Kakuzu stopped halfway between sips of sake. A slow, devious smile spread across his face underneath his mask. "You evil, evil child."
"I know." I lifted up my bottle of sake to him. "A toast to an evil, fake, Akatsuki whore?"
Kakuzu, however, pulled his bottle away and shook his head. "Kate is dating Kisame, Dessie and Hidan are immortal Jashinist together, and you're married to Zetsu but planning on having a thing with Deidara… I think it's time for a promotion." He raise his bottle of sake . "A toast to three real Akatsuki whores."
"I'll drink to that."
Rule Number Eighty-Nine: Don't mess with a real Akatsuki whore
There are perks to being immortal. The whole 'I cannot die no matter how many times you stab me' thing is really working for me – what I can't handle, however, is the fact that I can drink a hundred beers and not die from alcohol poisoning. Talk about one hell of a hangover.
"I'm up to seven…" said Hidan, his voice shaking slightly.
"I have six and a half," I said, gulping down as much sake as I could between words. "I'm catching up."
"You forget," said Hidan.
He grinned. "I'm catching up, Bloody-Hottie." He took another swing of sake.
Instead of finishing my bottle, I brought it smashing down on his head. I was satisfied to see the blood trickle down his forehead as he scowled at me and wiped it away before the stream of blood could reach his eyes.
"Yeah," I said. "But I'm a hot bitch."
Hidan rolled his eyes and finished his bottle of sake. "I'm up to eight – and what are you at? Six and a half? Oh wait… You broke your bottle… What are you going to do now?"
I smiled and then took Hidan's bottle of sake and smashed it over his head as well.
"Now you have Eight and one-sixth. Oh, what are you going to do now?"
"How dare you hit your Jashinist teacher," said Hidan. "I'm sure there's something in the scriptures against that."
"You're a pretty pathetic teacher if you haven't memorized the scriptures yet," I said. "Besides, I'm still a badass Warganist at heart."
Hidan snorted. "You can't be a bitching Warganist – otherwise Jashin wouldn't have accepted you and made you immortal. And besides, 'Warg' and 'badass' don't belong in the same fucking sentence."
"I made up Warg on the spot to spite you and it turned out Warg was real and there is an entire world dedicated to him," I said. "I don't know, but that is pretty damn badass, Zombie Whore."
"You're a failure as a Jahsinist."
"Oh yeah?" I said, leaning forward and smirking. "What are you going to do about it?"
Hidan grinned and reached behind him to grab his scythe. He pulled it out in front of him so that the blades were inches away from my neck. "I could decapitated you and watch your head roll around on the floor," said Hidan.
"But you wouldn't do that," I said.
"And why not?"
I reached out a hand and pushed the scythe away. Then, I leaned over so that my face was as close as possible to his without actually touching. "Because I'm your fucking immortal Jashinist partner who's about to go on a killing spree with you."
At first, Hidan could only stare at me with a stunned expression. Then, he jumped to his feet. "Hell yeah. Jashin shall be appeased!"
"Where are you going?" asked Hannah, glancing over as Hidan and I made our way towards the exit.
"A killing spree," said Hidan.
"If I remember right," I said, taking one last sip of sake. "I did promise him that after the war we'd go on a killing spree together and see how long it takes before we're more hated then Itachi and Deidara."
Kakuzu look exhausted with all of us while Itachi looked just plain bored (well, that's something new). And, as always, Hannah rolled her eyes and leaned back in her seat to observe the two of us wearily. "A killing spree? That'll make Hidan happy. I can just see the two of you skipping through a meadow of roses and rabbit with heavy rock music playing in the background while you two chop off heads. Ah, the romance is overflowing."
I tipped my head back and laughed maniacally. "Welcome to the Akatsuki – pray to Warg or Jashin or whatever god you believe that you survive – the bloodier the prayer, the better!"
A/N: Thanks for reading my story!
There is a book 2 (and 3) for this story! Book 2 is "Criminally Insane Just Got More Legal". You can find it in my stories list.