Disclaimor: I don't own Naruto.
A/N: Been working on this for a while. Hope you guys enjoy it. Some characters get a little OC here…but I hope for the most part you guys find it acceptable. Please let me know what you think.
You aren't my Best Friend Anymore
-x- Naruto and Sasuke: Introduction –x-
Naruto just stared at Sasuke, as he began retreating with Orochimaru and Kabuto. Sakura, Sai, and Yamato were behind him, all wounded from the previous battle. It was only his enhanced regeneration that allowed him to keep fighting beyond his body's limits.
Seeing Sasuke though, running off with the man that killed the old man Hokage, set something off inside of Naruto. It made him seethed with anger. "SASUKE!" Naruto called out. Though Sasuke and Kabuto obviously ignored him, Orochimaru seemed to actually pay some attention to the blonde. "GO FUCK YOURSELF!"
That got Sasuke's attention. He actually stopped mid step and turned back to Naruto. "What?"
Kabuto turned to the Uchiha, "Sasuke-kun, we need to go-"
"I said, GO FUCK YOUSELF!" Naruto called out again. "You're NOT my best friend anymore!"
Sasuke glared at him, "I didn't want to be your best friend to begin with, so screw you!"
"I said it first, go fuck yourself you red-eyed freak!"
"Umm, Sasuke-kun-" Kabuto began again.
Sasuke turned to glare at Kabuto, "Shut up Bitch!" And then turned to Naruto, "Screw you, I'll find myself a new best friend. A better best friend." He said before turning around and running past a very amused Orochimaru.
"I already found a new one, jack ass!"
That wasn't actually true. A week later, and Team Kakashi – led by Yamato – found themselves back in Konoha. Though Naruto didn't actually have a new best friend to replace the Uchiha…he was confident he would find one soon enough. He had set up a booth, and all he needed to do was wait until the applicants came rolling in.
The blonde turned towards the sound of Ino, who was standing a few feet away. "Hey Ino, what are you doing here?"
The woman cocked an eyebrow, "This…booth…its in front of my family's flower shop. What the hell is this?" she asked as she looked over the sign, "Best friend audition?"
"Yea…I'm looking for a new best friend."
Ino sighed, "Listen, I don't know what the hell you're trying to do…but this thing better not screw with my family's business." The girl said, before walking inside.
The blonde snorted. It shouldn't matter, he thought. "With any luck, I'll have my new best friend by noon." With that, he waited for his first applicant.
While Naruto was created a booth, Sasuke decided to just stand in a hallway. He allowed the word to spread that he was looking for a new best friend. Now he would just wait for somebody to come and apply for the position and, with his new best friend by his side, he would finally destroy ITACHI.
-x- Naruto: Hinata –x-
Naruto sighed as he leaned back in his chair, balancing a pencil on the tip of his nose. Who would've known that it was so difficult to find a best friend. He already got several rejections from a few people he knew. Like Kiba, who claimed an Inuzuka's best friend had to be their ninja-dog. And then their was Kakashi, who got a glazed look at the word best friend…before he wandered off without another word. 'This sucks…', the boy thought bitterly. 'How the hell am I suppose to find myself a best friend?' it didn't help that he really didn't know how Sasuke became his best friend in the first place.
The blond turned his head, dropped his pencil at the same time, and saw Hinata standing a few feet away. "Hey Hinata, what's up."
The Hyuuga Heiress immediately turned beat red and looked away from him. She took in a deep breath and thought, 'Okay Hinata, you can do this.' After a moment she turned back to Naruto, "N-Naruto….I-I…w-w-ell…ummm…y-y-ou."
Naruto immediately perked up, "Do you want to be my best friend Hinata?"
Hinata blushed even more. That had been the reason she came by. After hearing of Naruto's search, from Kiba, she thought that it would be a perfect opportunity to get to know the boy better. Not trusting herself to speak, the girl just nodded. It was all part of her plan to get Naruto to like her. It was called Operation: Become Naruto's best friend and get him to like her ™.
The blond beamed at her, which didn't help her shyness. "That's cool. I mean, I didn't even think about having a girl best friend, but this'll probably be fun." Naruto then began rustling through some of the papers that were on his table. "We can hang out and talk about stuff like…" he finally pulled out a random paper. This one had Kiba's name on it. Upon scanning the contents, the blond frowned, "Hmmm, I guess Kiba didn't think of the possibility of having a girl best friend either."
"What is that?"
Looking up at the girl again, he replied, "Well, I talked to Kiba and a few other guys earlier. Neither of them wanted to be best friends, though they did offer me a few pieces of advice. Like Kiba", he waved the paper in his hand that had Kiba's name, "Gave me a list of things that normal friends choose to talk about. It's just that all these questions seem…" he thought long and hard, looking for the best way to phrase the next part, "…really seem more suited towards guys."
The Hyuuga blinked in confusion, "Like?"
The blond looked back at the paper, "Well like this one, what kind of girl would you like to bang?"
Hinata immediately blushed.
"So…I guess if I were to ask you this question, it would be, what kind of guy would you like to bang?"
Hinata's blush darkened.
"And like this one, have you ever thought about…banging a girl and recording it? So in your case, have you ever thought about banging a guy and recording it?"
Hinata's blush darkened further; a drop of blood began trickling down her nose. Though she hadn't thought about that before, she sure as hell was thinking about it now.
The blond raised an eyebrow when he saw the next question, "Now this is ridiculous. Okay Hinata, have you ever dreamed of banging a guy in a public place?"
Hinata's face was now beat red.
"That just doesn't make sense. Why the hell would I want to do that? Why the hell would we even talk about that?" the blond sighed in annoyance, "What the hell is wrong with Kiba?" He finally got to the bottom of the list and smiled, "Okay, here's a good one, Practical applications of the Kage Bunshin."
Blood erupted from the girl's nose, causing Hinata to fall backwards and hit her head against the ground. Unfortunately, the thought of ten or so Narutos doing (Note: censored for viewer protection…but keep in mind that the thoughts in Hinata's mind would take me about four hundred words to adequately describe) was far too much for the sheltered heiress to stand. She was out before her head even hit the ground.
"That's good", Naruto continued, nose still buried in the paper, "We can talk about cool stuff I can use a Shadow Clone for, like training and stuff." He finally put the paper down and sent a smile at Hinata…only to note that she was nowhere in sight.
"Mmm", someone moaned.
Naruto immediately looked down, and saw Hinata lying on the ground. He cocked an eyebrow, "Hinata?"
-x- Sasuke: Karin –x-
Sasuke turned his head when he heard someone slam through the door. It was Karin, Orochimaru's…enthusiastic researcher.
She grinned when she looked at the raven haired Uchiha "Sasuke-kun, I heard you were looking for a new best friend with benefits." At least that was what Kabuto told her. When she first heard about it she squealed and dropped everything she was doing to go find Sasuke… which was sad considering that she had been performing surgery at the time. "I'll be your best friend with benefits."
Sasuke turned away from her, "Keep walking."
Karin looked crestfallen, "What, but-"
"Keep walking", Sasuke interrupted.
Sasuke's head snapped back towards the redhead, and he leveled her with a glare, "Look, this isn't happening, so keep walking."
-x- Naruto: Sai –x-
Having had no visitors since Hinata stopped by, left the blond bored for the few hours. He had resorted to trying to balance his pencil on his nose.
The blond turned to see Sai, the newest member of team 7. "Sup Sai."
The ROOT-nin flashed the blond his ever-present smile, "I heard you were looking for a new best friend."
"Oh, you want to be best fri-"
Both Naruto and Sai turned to see Sakura and Ino walking up to them. The Jinchuuriki raised an eyebrow, "Yea?"
Both Sakura and Ino gave Naruto a hard look but it was the former who spoke, "We both think you should stop being an idiot and keep helping us look for Sasuke."
For once Sai dropped his smile and frowned at the two girls, thinking how insensitive both of them were being. Naruto, on the other hand, just smiled as he got behind Sai. "Alright Sai, as my best friend you're my new wingman." At least that was the word Kakashi used when describing a best friend. Funny enough, after discussing best friends, Kakashi got this really 'faraway' look on his face, before wandering off without even saying goodbye. Weird…
Sai raised an eyebrow, "Your what?"
"Just distract Ino while I hit on Sakura-chan."
Sai looked at Naruto in horror, "What? No!"
"Oh come on, this is what best friends do!"
"Not with her!" Sai said defensively. Ino glared at Sai in response.
The blond Jinchuuriki frowned, "Fine, how about you practice distracting Sakura." That actually wasn't as hard to get out as he thought it would be. Honestly, for some time now, he felt that his feelings for Sakura had faded. Why he was even still bothering to ask the girl out was really beyond him. Unbeknownst to him, Sakura definitely took his offer personally.
That caused Sakura to glare at him as well. "He's gay", Ino finally said. Sakura nodded in agreement.
Sai glared right back at the girls, "I am not! I just…have really high standards."
"What?" the blond blinked in confusion.
Sai shrugged, ignoring both Sakura and Ino. "There are plenty of girls I like. Hell, I've been infatuated with almost every girl in the ROOT cell. I've always had a thing for kunoichis. Just…I don't have those feelings for any of the kunoichi in our age group", Sai finished with a shrug. "Well, except for Tenten…and that Hinata girl is cute to. There's also that Ayane girl from Tenten's year, and then-"
"-So" Naruto interrupted him, "Essentially you're saying anyone but", Naruto then turned towards Sakura and Ino, who were both still fuming, "them?"
Sai put on a very thoughtful expression, "Well, now that you mention it…yea."
"Why?" the blond jinchuuriki asked.
Sai first looked at Sakura, "Well…Sakura looks like some kind of transvestite donkey witch."
"HEY!" Sakura shouted in indignation. Ino actually started chuckling at that.
"I honestly didn't even know she was a woman until a few days into our first mission together" Sai then turned towards Naruto "FYI, since you were flirting with her throughout that assignment, I automatically assumed you were gay; my bad."
Naruto scowled at him.
He then turned towards Ino, "Ino's actually pretty" Ino smiled again, and Sakura just looked pissed. "But she seems like the type of person who could spit into a petri dish and give birth to a new civilization."
At that point Sakura began laughing so hard she nearly fell to her knees. Ino looked confused, "Wait what? What's that supposed to mean."
"And she's dumb as a rock", Sai continued.
"Essentially useless in combat."
"Honestly, I believe the only reason our leaders haven't regulated her into the Seduction Corp is because just about every Peace Treaty the Leaf Village has ever signed has strict rules against the use of Biological Warfare", Sai finished, causing Sakura to laugh even harder.
The blond sighed, "Oh, will you just go and distract Ino." Naruto went behind Sai and started pushing him towards the girls.
"No!", Sai said, as he tried resisting.
"Just do it." Naruto continued pushing.
"No! Stop it!" Sai tried to prevent himself from being pushing towards the girls.
"You're supposed to be my best friend."
"Stop, Naruto! I'm scared alright, just stop!"
"Would you just distract Ino"
"NO! NOOO! NOOOOOOO!" Sai's screams began getting frantic and as the tirade continued the girls kept getting angrier and angrier.
"Fine, then go distract Sakura."
"JUST DO IT!"
"TRANSVESTITE DONKEY WITCH! TRANSVESTITE DONKEY WITCH!" Sai yelled towards the heaven's as he continued resisting against Naruto. A second later Sai dissolved into ink, causing Naruto to go stumbling through the area he once occupied and fall right at the girls' feet. From his position, Naruto could see Sai off to the side, panting hard but smiling in triumph. "Holy shit…seemed to have forgotten that I'm a ninja for a second there." With that, Sai once again dissolved into ink.
The blond scowled at the spot that Sai once occupied. "He's SO not getting the job." He then turned his head towards the feeling of two very strong Killer Intents. He, nervously, smiled at the two girls, both who had received more than there fair amount of barbs… "Hey Sakura-chan…Ino-chan…."
"Na-ru-to." Both girl's said in eerie unison.
-x- Sasuke: Sakon –x-
Sasuke stared hard at the boy(s) in front of him. "Wait a second…didn't you die?"
Sakon looked at him in confusion, "What the hell gave you that idea."
The Uchiha raised an eyebrow, "Well, aside from the fact that I haven't seen you around for like…three years, I actually listened to the report. You, and your brother, got trapped inside of a puppet and then were impaled by like a dozen swords. I'm pretty sure that's a kill shot."
Sakon shook his head, "Nah, I managed to step to the left at the last second and avoided most of the blades."
Sasuke just stared at him in confusion, "But you were trapped inside of a puppet, how much room could you have had."
"Enough to step to the left…" Sakon explained as if talking to a small child.
Sasuke gave him his Super Uchiha Glare ™. "I don't believe you."
Sakon raised an eyebrow, "What, that I survived by side-stepping the blades?"
"No…that you survived at all."
The twin looked at Sasuke in annoyance, "Hello, I'm standing right here…alive!" he said as he waved his hands back and forth.
"I'll just add this to the list of reasons why I should kill Itachi."
Sakon cocked an eyebrow, "You really have issues; you know that?"
The Uchiha shrugged as he turned away from Sakon, "At least I'm not dead."
The leader of the Sound Four scowled at him, "Listen I didn't come here to debate with you on whether I did or did not die…you want to be best friends or not?"
Sasuke shook his head, "People already think I'm crazy, I don't need to add to that by being friends with someone who's dead."
Ignoring the jab, Sakon pointed to the head behind his own, "Yea…but if I become your best friend, so does Ukon. It's like two for the price of one."
Sasuke turned back towards Sakon. Having your twin brother growing out of you definitely did make up for the whole being dead thing. Plus Sasuke did like the sound of the two for one deal. Finally the Uchiha shrugged, "Fine, just fill out this form."
Victory! Sakon happily took the form and began reading it over.
"Hey does this mean that Kimmimaro is still alive?" Sasuke asked hopefully. He clearly remembered hearing all about Kimmimaro. Loyal, powerful, and the last of a bloodline. Now that would be a best friend worth having.
Sakon looked at Sasuke like he was crazy, "Don't be silly, Kimmimaro died three years ago." He then looked back down at the paper ignoring, or not noticing, Sasuke's annoyed stare.
-x- Naruto: Tenten –x-
"Best friend auditions" a girl said in confusion, "What the hell are you doing?"
Naruto looked up to see…some weird girl standing in front of him, holding a really large hammer. "Who are you?"
The girl immediately glared at him, "You're unbelievable. We've done missions together and you still don't know who I am?"
The blond stared at her in confusion, "Ummm…what?"
"It's Tenten you jackass!" the girl snapped.
"Oh, right. Now I remember you", the blond grinned.
She smiled back at him.
"You're the girl who lost to Temari in the Chunin Exam Preliminaries."
Tenten immediately scowled, "What the hell! That's how you remember me!"
Flinching back, still having full memory of other woman with attitude problems, the blond stared at her wearily. "Sorry."
The girl sighed before looking back down at the sign, "What the hell is this anyway?"
"I'm looking for a new best friend- Ummm, what's with the Hammer."
Indeed, Tenten was carrying a large War Hammer over her shoulder. "Oh this", she looked at it sadly. "Just a little joke I had planned out a couple years back…you know, when Neji was still acting like a jackass", she said as she placed the hammer down on the table.
Naruto immediately perked up, "A joke?
Tenten nodded, as she sat on the edge of the table. "Yea…well, remember how Neji always went on about all that fate and destiny bs?"
Naruto nodded. Of course he remembered, he was the one who knocked Neji out of that state, after all.
"Well, one day after a light spar he really berated Lee pretty badly. It really pissed me off, so I ordered this hammer." She flipped the hammer over onto its other side, showing an inscription.
"Destiny?" Naruto read. He looked back towards Tenten.
"The next time we sparred I was going to bring out the Hammer and say, Uh Uh Uh Neji-kun, you can't go against Destiny." She finished with a grin and Naruto started cracking up.
"Hey, that's actually pretty good."
"Yea, well I wanted to get a good laugh out of all three of my teammates…then I would have whacked Neji with the hammer", Tenten finished in an eerily calm voice.
The blond smiled nervously, "So…what happened? Why didn't you do it?"
She sighed, "Well, the best place to get War Hammers is this place in Snow Country. I had one special ordered. They told me it would get to me in a month", she scoffed. "Three years later, I finally get it…bunch of assholes." She flicked it. "I honestly forgot about the damn thing, and because of you-" she sent Naruto a playful glare, at least he hoped it was playful, "-knocking all that fatalism crap out of Neji's head, I really can't do what I had planned."
Tenten just waved it off.
"Well, you can still use it right?"
The girl shrugged, "Not really interested to be honest. Three years ago, I wanted to use one, but right now…I really got enough blunt weapons to be honest."
Considering how many weapons she used three years ago, the blond shuddered to think what the girl considered normal.
The girl then turned towards Naruto, "So, what's with the best friend search."
He grinned, "I'm looking for a new best friend. The last one I had was…well…" what word could he use to perfectly describe Sasuke? "Defective."
"Of course…" the girl replied, despite more than a little confusion.
"So you want to be best friends?"
"Already have a best friend, but I wouldn't mind being just regular friends", she replied. "If you would just remember my name."
Ignoring the last part, the blond sighed as he hit his head against the table. Waiting several moments to see if the blond did anything else, the bun haired girl just shrugged, jumped off the table, and walked off. It would be another ten minutes before Naruto noticed that she left her War Hammer.
-x- Sasuke: Kabuto -x-
The Uchiha turned towards the voice to find Kabuto coming up to him. He responded with a greeting in his normal fashion, "Hn."
"Always the cunning linguist", Kabuto shot back sarcastically. Seeing that the younger boy started to ignore him, the medic-nin coughed to get the boy's attention, "So, are you still looking for a best friend."
The Uchiha nodded.
Kabuto smiled at that, "How about the two of us become close friends."
Sasuke glanced at Kabuto and just stared at him for a few moments, before responding, "Alright" he said before handing Kabuto a piece of paper, "but I'm really going to need you to keep your…love life to yourself."
Kabuto cocked an eyebrow, "Love life?" He wasn't currently in a relationship.
The Uchiha nodded, "Nothing personal…just grew up in a clan that stressed that love should be between a man and a woman."
"I beg your pardon?" Kabuto asked. 'Is he insinuating that I'm…'
"Honestly, it's not even the homosexuality that bugs me-"
'Son of bitch', Kabuto bristled at Sasuke's false accusation."
"-it's the fact that your in a relationship with someone that's over twice your own age."
Kabuto stared wide eyed, "What?'
"All I'm asking is that you keep whatever you and Orochimaru do behind close doors…or several preferably."
Misreading the medic-nin, Sasuke just raises an eyebrow, "Is that really too much to ask?"
"I'M NOT WITH OROCHIMARU!" Kabuto snapped, prepared to strangle the Uchiha.
Sasuke just stared at Kabuto curiously, "Really?"
"Hn…well as my first act as your friend let me tell you…everyone here thinks you and Orochimaru are - well most people use the word - butt buddies."
"Hmm", Sasuke looked thoughtful for a moment, before looking back at Kabuto, "Everyone."
Kabuto looked crestfallen, "Everyone?"
"Everyone", Sasuke confirmed.
Kabuto's face grew red, "Who the hell started that fucking rumor!"
The Uchiha shrugged, "I…don't care. Look, just get that paper back to me as soon as possible."
"Hell no, I want to find out who's been spreading these fucking rumors", with that, the medic-nin turned and went off in some random direction.
The Uchiha scoffed, before turning away. "Whatever, the last thing I need is to be friends with some jack ass that's too self absorbed in his own issues." With that, Sasuke began brooding about Itachi and his un-avenged clan…again.
-x- Naruto: Neji –x-
The blond turned his head to see Neji walking up to him. Ignoring the fact that the boy was really angry, the blond smiled at him, "Neji, I actually wanted to talk with you-"
"Yea…well I actually wanted to have a few words with you as well", Neji stated standing right in front of Naruto's table, giving him a death glare.
Naruto cocked an eyebrow, "What's up?"
The Hyuuga raised his arms in emphasis, "Explain to me what you've been doing with Hinata-sama."
The blond cocked an eyebrow, "What I do with her? Are you talking about this morning?"
Neji's face turned red in anger. Luckily, for Naruto, he managed to restrain himself, deciding to get all the facts. "Explain!"
"Just training tips really?"
Neji's eye twitched in annoyance, "Ravishing…Hinata-sama with Shadow Clones is your idea of training."
The blond raised an eyebrow, "What?"
"Hinata-sama has been, unconsciously, muttering random things since your clone brought her. Very graphic and disturbing things. Hiashi-sama is very displeased." The understatement of the century, Hiashi currently wanted Naruto's head on a spork. Luckily, for the blond, Hiashi agreed to send Neji to thoroughly investigate what has been happening, before doing anything murderous.
Naruto's eyes widened, "Oh you must be talking about the other questions", he said as he ruffled through his papers again.
Neji raised an eyebrow, "Otherquestions?"
He handed Neji the list of questions, "Yea, Kiba gave me this. He said that this was what normal best friends talk about."
The Hyuuga's eyes widened, "What are-What! Wait…is Kiba a pervert?"
The blond raised an eyebrow, looking at the Hyuuga as if he just said the stupidest thing in the world, "Uhhh…yea…"
"But that's impossible! We've made sure to get Hinata nothing but noble, dignified, and trustworthy teammates."
"Well…I'm sure they're both trustworthy", 'For a clan that emphasizes there awesome eye sight…they must be deaf and dumb.'
Neji clenched his fist, crumpling the paper in his hand. He turned on his heel and began breathing hard. He immediately stopped when he saw something out of the corner of his eye.
"Hey Neji, would you like to be my best friend?"
Neji cautiously reached down and wrapped his fingers around the shaft of Destiny. He picked it up, flinching somewhat at the weight of it.
He cradled the hammer part in his other hand before looking over at the inscription. "Destiny"
Not unlike Gai and Lee, an ethereal beam of light surrounded Neji as he looked up towards the heavens, and raised the mighty hammer over his head. "Destiny" And then…Neji's springtime of youth burned and exploded!
"DESTINY!" A moment later the light faded and Neji looked out towards the village.
"KIBBAAAA!" With that, Neji took off, holding the mighty hammer, Destiny, over his head.
Seeing the Hyuuga boy take off like that, the blond could only sigh and lean back in his chair. In the back of his mind, he knew he should…probably report the fact that a crazed Neji was currently hunting down Kiba, whilst holding a large hammer. Sadly…he really didn't care at the moment. He had been at this for nearly half a day now, and he still hadn't found any decent best friends, "This sucks…"
-x- Sasuke: Suigetsu –x-
"This is really gay."
"It's not gay, you just don't have vision. Now say the damn line!" Sasuke snapped. After rationalizing that his problem was his current location, Sasuke decided to relocate all of his efforts towards a more familiar area, The Valley of End. He had all the participants agree to meet him here at one point during the day.
Suigetsu sighed as he looked down at the paper, "Please Sasuke…come back to the village."
"NO!" Sasuke growled. "Damn it, say it with more feeling you moron. I need to BELIEVE that you actually want me back, and I'm not believing your performance!"
"You know what…fuck this!" Suigetsu said before tossing the paper he had been reading on the ground. "I have better things to do than to stand here and deal with your bullshit." With that, Suigetsu turned and prepared to walk away.
Sasuke looked at him in annoyance, "Better things to do? When I found you, you were trapped, and dissolved, in one of Orochimaru's tanks."
Suigetsu turned towards the Uchiha and sneered at him. "That's right, I rather go back and stew in Orochimaru's lubrication tank than deal with you. It's a hundred times less gay!" With that Suigetsu walked off.
Sasuke raised an eyebrow, "Lubrication?"
-x- Naruto: Shino –x-
"STOP RIGHT THERE!" Naruto was instantly by a 'random' ninja's side and was currently holding onto said ninja's hand. "Listen, I know that the two of us have never met before, but I think we should be best friends." The blond gave the 'mystery' ninja a smile before adding, "So how about it buddy…" Naruto paused for a moment, hoping the 'unknown' boy would get the hint. Funny, it seemed like he was emitting a powerful killer intent. "you…wanna tell me your name?"
Shino glared at the blond.
Needless to say, this friendship wouldn't last long.
-x- Sasuke: Karin –x-
"Oh! Please Sasuke-kun! Won't you come back to the village so we can make sweet passionate love in a giant bowl of ramen!"
Sasuke looked up from the paper he was reading to look at the next contestant. From his first audition, he knew he liked the kid for some reason or another…though he really didn't know why. He was a young man, about his age, with blond spiky hair and blue eyes. He wore an orange ninja outfit.
He seemed perfect…except that last line was…
"Then we can go and resurrect your clan over and over and over and over and over…"
He continued like that for several more minutes. Sensing something amiss, Sasuke activate his bloodlimit. He then growled "KARIN! Drop the fucking costume and get lost."
In an, obviously false, deep voice, the 'young man' said, "What? I'm not Karin, my name is Naturo."
"Don't make me Chidori you."
In her normal voice, Karin then giggled, "Oh…so you want to jab me with a lightning powered appendage."
"GET THE FUCK OUT!"
-x- Naruto: Shikamaru –x-
"Alright Shikamaru, so you agreed to be best friends with me."
"You could say that…or you could say that you tackled me, tied me up, and dragged me hear against my will", Shikamaru said accusingly. He was also annoyed that his actual best friend did absolutely nothing to stop Naruto. All he did was continue munching on his stupid bag of potato chips, "fat bastard", Shikamaru grumbled.
Naruto scowled at the lazy ninja, "Yea well, I didn't have enough rope to tie up Chouji, so deal with it." The blond finished tying Shikamaru against the stump, the same stump that Kakashi had tied him to when he first became a Genin. "Now, we're gonna do a test."
"I choose to fail, can I go home now?" Shikamaru drawled out.
"No, failing means that you gotta just stay longer."
"Now, your test is to help me face off against my enemies."
"Naruto your fifteen." Shikamaru drawled out. "Just because you go around proclaiming yourself the next Hokage, doesn't mean you have enemies." Really, as troublesome as the blonde was…it didn't mean he was a infamous as he seemed to think.
The blonde shrugged, "Hasn't stopped a bunch of assholes from hunting me…and in general from getting in my way."
At that, Shikamaru raised an eyebrow, "People hunting you?" Shikamaru's mind went a mile a minute. He quickly came to only one likely conclusion. "Let me guess, you pranked someone and they took offense. To it."
Naruto shook his head. "It's…a little more complicated than that. Anyway, my shadow clones will take the form of my enemies, you just have to practice backing me up."
The Shadow user rolled his eyes, but said, "You know you will have to untie me if I'm going to help you."
"Here they come", was the blonde's only reply. "Oh no, it's Itachi Uchiha, Kisame Hoshigaki, and Orochimaru…well I don't actually know the snake freak's last name." Naruto blinked at that last thought. "Weird…"
While Naruto was visiting thinking about the fact no one had ever mentioned the surname of a missing-nin from his home village, Shikamaru was busy staring at the three shadow clones in front of him. His eyes were wide. "Wait, you have Itachi Uchiha, Kisame Hoshigaki, and Orochimaru out to get you."
"Yea…you know, now that I think about it, I don't know what Jiraiya's last name is either."
"NARUTO!" Naruto snapped his head to the still tied up ninja. "Focus on me for a minute. Those three-" He began, gesturing towards the three transformed Shadow Clones, "-are actually hunting, you?"
Naruto nodded, "Yea."
Shikamaru glared at Naruto, "The man responsible for the genocide of the Uchiha, the one responsible for the death of a Daiymo and all of his guards, and Konoha's most dangerous criminal are all hunting you?"
Naruto nodded again, "Yea…"
Shikamaru began struggling violently against his bonds. "Get me out of here!"
Naruto raised an eyebrow, "Hey, relax."
"No!" The chunin screamed frantically, "You're troublesome! You're only fifteen and you got some of the worse criminals in Konoha after you. You're troublesome incarnate!"
"Hey now, that's not really fair."
Shikamaru fell to the ground and began squirming away. "I got enough work as it is…I don't need you adding to it."
"We're shinobi…danger is part of the job right?"
Shikamaru glared at the blonde, tears in his eyes, "You're a damn Genin! You're supposed to be cleaning up trash…or walking dogs or something. What the hell do they have you doing that would have three S-rank ninjas coming after you? What the hell have you been doing since graduation?"
Naruto shrugged and thought about it. "Well: there was that C-rank mission turned A-rank, I fought against Gaara, saved the Princess from the land of Snow, freed the Crescent moon Kingdom…"
Naruto just stared at Shikamaru in slight annoyance. "Want me to untie you?"
-x- Naruto: Finale –x-
"Okay…" Naruto said, as he stood in front of all his friends. "It's come to my attention that a lot of you have been wondering why me and Sasuke have been friends for so long."
Sakura actually opened her mouth to speak, when Naruto quickly interrupted.
"Please save all questions till the end." He then glanced between everyone again. "Most of you have been wondering: Why he is friends with Sasuke, when he's such a traitorous jackass."
"I SAID, SAVE ALL QUESTIONS 'TIL THE END, BITCH!" the blond snapped, glaring at the pink haired girl with enough killer intent to actually shut the girl up. "Well, for the last few days, I've actually been wondering that as well, and I've come to my conclusion."
The blond glanced at a group composed of: Ino, Sakura, Tenten, and Neji (holding the mighty hammer Destiny). "It's because most of you are either: violent beyond reason."
He then turned towards the group consisting of: Hinata, Sai, and Rock Lee. "Extremely eccentric." Hinata actually cocked an eyebrow at that comment.
The next group consisted of: Shikamaru, Shino, and Chouji. "Apathetic towards everything that goes on around you."
The final group was: Kiba (who was heavily bandaged), Kakashi, and Jiraiya. "Or complete and total assholes!"
Jiraiya glared at the blond, "What! What the hell is that? I haven't even seen you today, before just now!"
The blond then glared at the assembled crowd, "As I was saying…you all suck! F' all of you. I'm done with this shit." With that, Naruto turned on his heel and walked off. Ignoring the thirteen glares aimed at the back of his head.
-x- Sasuke: Finale –x-
Sasuke grinned as he rushed through the Sound Base. He had found him…the ultimate best friend. Or at least he was formerly the best friend of the 'ultimate best friend'…that would make this new candidate the 'ultimate best friend' by association…or something.
"Don't worry Jugo, your best buddy is coming to rescue you!"
Sasuke had already labeled Kimimaro the 'ultimate best friend'. So it stood to reason that his only known friend, would also be considered a 'ultimate best friend'. It made sense in Sasuke's head. Unfortunately, Sasuke failed to gather any more information, other than that on Jugo. In his mind nothing else mattered…he just wanted to get this done so he could go on to avenge his clan…
Sasuke smirked when he saw the door. He stopped in front of it and used the key that he stole from Karin. He stole it from Karin, he wasn't forced to do unspeakable things for it…unspeakable things that involved: Super Hot Sauce, the hilt of Zabuza's sword, and Sasuke's 'backdoor'. No, none of that ever happened. It didn't happen. And if it did happen, it was just another reason to kill Itachi. Regardless, Sasuke used the key he stole to open the door and he quickly slammed it open.
"FALCON PUNCH!" someone screamed as a fist the size of a bus slammed Sasuke right in the face, sending the poor abused boy flying back several yards away.
Needless to say…Jugo didn't get the job.
-x- Epilogue: The Moral of the Story –x-
Naruto appeared on the metaphorical stage and turned to the audience. "Listen…I know a lot of you have been asking yourselves…why does Naruto still consider Sasuke his best friend after all the crap that Sasuke has done." Naruto glared through the fourth wall, at the audience. "Well that's your answer: Everyone. Else. SUCKS!"
"Me and Sasuke – and no I care not for proper grammar – are Heterosexual life partners." Naruto's glare intensified, "Heterosexual. H-E-T-E-R-O-S-E-X-U-A-L! Not gay life partners. We both still like woman. We're just best friends. And as Heterosexual life partners, we would like you all to get off our backs. And if you find that you can't…you can all bite it." Naruto smirked. "And by it…I mean my penis."
"Good day to you all" With that Naruto walked off stage…but not before turning back to flip off the audience once more."
JackofBladesX: God…I'm so going to get flamed for ending it like that. Ummm…I love you all. It wasn't me...it was Naruto who said all of that. Umm...yea.
Please don't flame me…please…