"Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable."
No! No no no no! I berated myself over and over in my head. This should have never happened. This can not be happening. What was I thinking? What am I thinking now? On every level this is wrong. No sane person would have done what I had just done and no loving person would have committed such a crime against those closest to them. There was nothing about what I had just done that was redeemable and nothing that could have been seen as acceptable. My moral was lower than it had ever been and I could not see myself pulling out of this self loathing anytime soon.
My thoughts and emotions were changing by the second. Pain, then grief, anger, torrents of frustration, disappointment, self loathing, and finally hurt. Suddenly a new emotion surfaced and I squashed it the moment I was able to identify it.
I couldn't of been more shocked at myself. How could I feel pleased about what had just happened?
Oh come off it Bella! You know you enjoyed every moment of it. Sure the shits hit the fan now and consequences must be met, but don't sit there and pretend it was not all worth it in the end! Stop lying to yourself. You do that enough as it is. For once live in the moment!
I winced as the words were spoken. This part of me, the devil on my shoulder, was happier than it had ever been. It kept lecturing, its words conniving and smug.
You know you want to go back; of course you won't because you're too afraid. Instead while you are alone in your bed, you will replay the events from tonight in your mind over and over and over...
"Shut up!" I screamed at the invisible voice. My outburst echoed around the empty cab of my truck as I snapped back to the present. The only noise was the roar of the engine as I accelerated down the empty stretch of high way. I swear I could hear the voice chuckle at my stupidity. My jaw clenched in frustration and tears began to fill my eyes. Stupid traitor tears. The voice was right, I had enjoyed myself, and I wanted to go back. That realization was both exhilarating and terrifying.
As I drove home it kept calling to me, trying to convince me to turn around and go back for more. Oddly enough I realized that the voice sounded a lot like Jacob Black. I smiled grimly.
I felt like Eve in the garden arguing with the snake. If the snake was half as convincing as the demon on my shoulder no wonder she ate the apple. I had never sympathized more with Eve than at that very moment. We had both given into temptation, and we both lost.
I finally arrived home and let out a breath I hadn't known I'd been holding. After tonight I knew Edward would not be climbing through my window. I was both saddened and relieved. I couldn't handle dealing with him now, I was both emotionally and physically drained.
I rushed out of my truck looking over my shoulder multiple times awaiting to see golden eyes watching me from the trees. I knew this was bordering on paranoia but my rational side was not kicking in. The hairs on my neck were standing on end and my nerves were on high alert ready for an ambush. As I got inside I quickly shut the door twisting the dead bolt, my fingers shaking uncontrollably. Charlie was already in bed asleep, I could hear his snores lingering down from his room. I found myself being grateful that I wouldn't have to answer his questions about my party at the Cullen's or the "gifts" that I had received.
Or the bandage on your arm. I thought bitterly as I glanced at the bandage that trailed from my bicep up to my collar bone.
Glaring down at my arm I could feel the tears beginning to build once again. I knew I'd have a scar. This scar would be a constant reminder of the mistakes I had made tonight and just like my mistakes, it would never fade or disappear. I climbed the stairs as fast and as silently as I could, charging with anger towards my room. As soon as I stepped into the threshold of my sanctuary I began ripping away at my ruined dress. I was covered in blood and his scent. I needed to be rid of it, I needed to forget this night, I wanted the sin that covered my body and my soul to just wash away. I tore at the fabric with more drive and determination than necessary and soon sat in a pile of rags and tears upon my bed room floor.
"What is wrong with me?" I silently whispered to myself.
I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration and stole a glance at my reflection.
My make up was running down my cheeks like dark, polluted water falls, and my hair was all over the place, bunched up and tangled in places like a tumble weed. What shocked me the most was the expression on my face. I looked lost and almost haunted, I didn't even recognize myself. Disappointment washed over me once again and I forcefully shoved my self pity away. I was not going to be that girl! I was now a woman and I was going to handle this situation as such.
You are no longer a little girl.
This revelation hit me full force knocking the air out of me. My breathing became shaky and shallow. The mistake I had made was not one a naïve little girl would have made and my behavior was far from that of an innocent child. I turned crimson as I thought of just a few hours ago.
His scent, his breath, his voice, his touch. The memories sent sparks of desire through out my entire body.
You wanted it. The voice answered smugly.
"I wanted it." I admitted, hanging my head in defeat.
This desire that came over me was stronger than anything I had ever felt in my entire life. And it scared me.
Why didn't I feel this when I was with Edward? I love him, shouldn't my feelings be toward the man I love? Where had these impulses come from? Did I truly still love Edward? Did he know? Had Alice seen this?
My thoughts continued to run in circles and exhaustion soon came over me. As I moved to lay on my bed, I found myself replaying the events in my head just as my subconscious had said I would.
Authors Notes: I would like to give a HUGE shout out to my Beta, TicTocTicToc for sticking with me through this long process. She is amazing! Its taken me forever to be happy with what I have so far, and I hope y'all enjoyed it. Let me know what you thought about this and what you hope to see in the future. Remember, reviews motivate!