A/N: Crackish AU 7th year fluffy fic. The war is over and done with, no one that matters died, and everyone's back at Hogwarts. Harry, Draco, and friends discuss what they would do during a zombie apocalypse. H/D established couple. This was all inspired by Draco's line involving rainbows and unicorns, which was stated during a chat with my beta, and I just had to use in a fic.
JK of course owns Harry and Co, and I stole the idea of a 7th year fluffy verse from the amazing and brilliant Sara's Girl, whose stories helped show me the way to the magic that is Harry and Draco. Speaking of which, this is my first Harry Potter verse fic, so be gentle with the feedback please :-D
Warnings: A bad word or two, sexual innuendo, and some light snogging. Also, as I think should be obvious, slash.
The sky was periwinkle blue without a cloud in sight, the sun was pleasantly warm against his skin, and Harry felt like purring as Draco's long, elegant fingers carded gently through his hair, lulling him into a near doze. They were out on the grounds, enjoying a rare sunny spring day, and Harry couldn't think of anywhere he'd rather be than sprawled across his boyfriend's lap, surrounded by their friends, without a single serious care in the world.
"I'm telling you, a stunner wouldn't affect them, a reductor's your best shot – just blow their brains out." Blaise said vehemently, one of his hands clenching and accidentally tugging blades of grass out of the turf as he stared intently at the girl sitting cross-legged next to him.
"But what if it's a blood borne virus instead of a curse?" Hermione retorted, pushing a loose curl out of her face and unconsciously leaning towards the olive skinned Slytherin. "Then you'll just get yourself, or someone else, infected!"
Harry chuckled softly as he observed the two of them, and then lifted his gaze to meet Draco's, whose grey eyes were warm with amusement. "Our friends are insane." The blond murmured, lips twisting delicately. "I never should have let you talk me into those muggle movie nights." Harry raised an eyebrow, silently disputing the idea that he had talked Draco into anything, but didn't voice any complaints as Draco began to massage his scalp. His boyfriend could believe whatever he wanted, as long as he didn't stop doing that.
"I think a body-bind, and then an incendio, would do the trick." Neville stated thoughtfully, reminding the two debating seventh years that they weren't alone in the conversation. Luna, perched happily on his lap with her arms twined around his neck, immediately rewarded him with a kiss, a very thorough kiss that had everyone else looking away uncomfortably after a moment.
Hermione flushed slightly as she realized how close she'd gotten to Blaise while arguing, and the dark eyed boy merely smirked, not doing anything to pull away from her personal space, every line of his body showing how utterly relaxed he was. Pansy rolled her eyes at both of them. "Good job, Longbottom, but I think you're all missing the obvious." She sneered with a toss of her hair. "A simple diffindo would make any zombie fall apart at the seams."
"That still leaves you with cleanup, and potential risk of infection." Hermione stated, although her tone held grudging agreement as she carefully scooted away from Blaise, and studiously ignored his sultry pout, focusing instead on the blonde Slytherin girl.
"What if the zombies were impervious to magic?" Draco asked suddenly, tone idle, but eyes subtly gleaming as he glanced up at the group momentarily, before looking back down and 'ignoring' them once more.
Harry hid a grin as their friends frowned, clearly struggling for new solutions. "I thought you were against this discussion." He teased as he traced a soft pattern on Draco's left palm, and shifted his head to indicate that his boyfriend's right hand should get back to its wonderful ministrations.
"I said they were insane. I never said they weren't entertaining." The blond stated haughtily, voice quiet enough to not carry past the two of them. The argument began once more and Harry smiled lazily, too content and comfortable to muster up the energy to care. Draco had a point, and he was just glad that their friends were getting along. Besides, Draco's fingers had wandered down to the base of his neck and were kneading his muscles with just the right amount of pressure, so he was all in favor of anything that kept the others talking so he never had to move again.
"Most muggle weapons won't work around magic, but we could use conjured objects against them, and change the environment to our advantage. We could maybe even use other magical creatures or plants." Hermione stated after a moment's thought, barely concealed enthusiasm in her tone as she warmed to the idea, though she still refused to meet Blaise's challenging gaze.
"What did you have in mind, Granger, sicking the Whomping Willow on the hordes of ravening undead?" Pansy drawled sarcastically, shooting a disgusted glance at her fellow Slytherin for flirting so obviously.
"You know, those nasty raping vines in Evil Dead are actually a rare species of Devil's Snare that the Ministry won't admit exists. Daddy's still not sure how any of the actors from the movie survived, but he speculated in an article last month that all muggle horror movies are actually created by a secret syndicate of Romanian wizards, seeking to profit off of muggle fears of the magical world." Luna piped up, pulling away from a dazed and thoroughly snogged Neville, and earning herself five bemused stares before Pansy snorted and turned back to Hermione, waiting for her rebuttal.
"They're all so serious; you'd think an attack was due any day now." Draco commented, his fingers now lightly skating across Harry's shoulder blade under his shirt, and making him shiver despite the warm temperature.
"Well, it is the zombie apocalypse; you can't expect them to be planning for rainbows and unicorns." The Gryffindor replied, slightly distracted by the delicious sensations running through him as his gorgeous but evil boyfriend caressed his pulse point and then scraped his perfectly manicured nails down Harry's earlobe.
Frowning when Draco suddenly stopped, he glanced up to see those expressive silver eyes mock glaring at him. "Yes I bloody well can. If I want rainbows and unicorns during the apocalypse, then I will damn well get rainbows and unicorns during the apocalypse, even if the unicorns are goring zombies and the rainbows are only reflected in the tears of the grieving."
Harry's mouth fell open at the blond's deadpan tone of voice, and then he laughed, drawing the attention of the others as he chortled helplessly. Reaching an arm up, he curled his fingers into his boyfriend's unbearably soft hair and pulled him down until he could feel their breaths mingling. Tugging Draco's smirking lower lip between his teeth, Harry tangled their tongues together when the other boy's mouth opened in a soft moan, still amazed by how addicted he was to the silken, spicy taste of the boy he'd once hated.
Letting go only when oxygen became an issue, he grinned as he saw that he'd rendered the imperturbable Slytherin Prince just as dazed and speechless as Neville had been. "I promise, Draco, if the zombies ever rise up and attack us, you'll get your rainbows and unicorns."
"Freaks." Pansy muttered, the barest thread of affection in her sharp voice as the two of them stared at each other, oblivious to everyone else.
Blaise and Hermione nodded, making the former grin and the latter blush as their gazes met in agreement. Not breaking their charged stare, Blaise waved a hand at Luna. "I apologize for ever calling you weird, Lovegood. Compared to these two, you are the height of sanity."
Neville huffed, prepared to leap to his girlfriend's defense, but Luna just giggled whimsically. "Oh they're beset by mimsies. They're attracted to sexual energy you know, and those two are like that creepy robot bunny in those muggle advertisements, just going and going and –" This time it was her boyfriend who initiated the kiss, in a desperate attempt to get his beloved, but decidedly strange girlfriend, to stop talking before she gave them all mental images that would never go away.
"I've never been compared to a disturbing robotic rabbit before." Draco mused, eyes never straying from Harry's, who was torn between giggling madly, and dragging his boyfriend off to show just how 'energetic' the two could be. "I don't think I like it. You definitely owe me, Potter, a favor for every muggle show or movie forced upon my sensitive soul."
Instead of protesting, or snorting derisively at the thought of Draco possessing a 'sensitive' soul, Harry leered suggestively, not at all averse to the idea. "What sort of favors?"
Draco smirked and Hermione, Blaise, and Pansy groaned. "I think I'm ready for the zombies to attack now." Pansy declared, pushing herself to her feet as Blaise offered a helping hand to Hermione, who took it with a faint flush. "I'm surrounded by twitterpated Gryffindors and sex addicts, a nice, bloody apocalypse would be infinitely preferable."
"Don't take your sexual deprivation out on the rest of us, Pans, I'm sure the lovely Hermione could set you up with one of the Gryffindors, I hear that Seamus is a tart." Blaise said calmly, grinning at the girl whose hand he had still not let go of, and who had apparently decided to stop struggling and just go with it.
Pansy glared and then slapped him up side the back of his head, before stalking away from the group, muttering anatomically unlikely epithets under her breath that had the others blanching, until she abruptly ran into Professor Snape, who looked decidedly odd and pale under the warm spring sun. The pretty blonde's entire stance altered, and she leaned into the older man, a smile on her face that made Harry gag and bury his head in Draco's shirt.
"Tell me I'm not seeing Pansy seduce Professor Snape." Hermione asked desperately, eyes locked on the train wreck in front of them, stepping unconsciously closer to Blaise, who wrapped his arm around her when she whimpered at the sight of the usually glowering professor unexpectedly blushing.
"Sorry, darling, but I think we are watching one of the signs of the coming apocalypse." The dark-haired boy informed her solemnly. "If you'd like," he continued, reaching up and gently tilting her face towards him, running his thumb along her bottom lip. "I can help you forget you ever saw such a travesty." Hermione's eyes widened in shock, but then, much to Harry's surprise as he'd dared to look up again, she nodded, and the two of them sauntered off towards the castle, hand in hand.
Blinking in stunned bemusement, then groaning as his gaze drifted against his will and he noted that he couldn't see Pansy's hands anymore, and that Professor Snape's face might actually be showing pleasure, he turned pleading eyes up at his visibly amused boyfriend. "Make me forget I ever saw any of this, Draco, or I'll start a zombie apocalypse just to distract myself from the horror."
The blond laughed, but obliged, rolling them both until he was lying on top of Harry, their bodies pressed firmly together, the look of lust in his eyes taking Harry's breath away and chasing every last non-Draco related thought out of his head. "It would be a shame if the world ended before I got to fuck you in Dumbledore's office." His boyfriend purred, shifting his hips so that their growing erections were pressed together, making Harry moan as he recalled the next item on their 'Places in Hogwarts to Shag Each Other Senseless' list.
"Well we can't have that, can we." He breathed, both hands tangling in Draco's platinum locks as he dragged him down for a fierce kiss, not even noticing when Pansy dragged Snape towards the castle, or when Neville stood up and carried his giggling blonde girlfriend in the direction of the greenhouses. Not even an actual apocalypse could have caught his attention when his boyfriend started greedily sucking on his tongue and working his fingers inside Harry's trousers. The zombies would just have to wait their turn.