Chapter 20

EPOV outtake

I'm not an impulsive person. When I make a decision, it's been dissected and well thought out. I've analyzed all potential outcomes and accepted all possibilities. And once I make that decision, I'm resolute to do whatever it takes to make it happen.

I'd decided that I wanted Bella Swan in my life.

The call nights and dinners together had given me a taste of what it would be like to come home to her. I love the feeling of walking into the call room knowing there's a warm smile and warm food waiting for me, and I want more of it.

It was quite simple, really. Bella just made me happy. Simple yet monumental.

I'm eternally indebted to Emmett for suggesting we switch call. It made me realize I was making excuses, and if I wanted to have a relationship with her, the only thing standing in my way was me. I'd already shared my concerns and reservations with Bella, and she had made it clear that they didn't matter to her.

So why should they matter to me?

The limited time, the distance, and her father were all going to make things complicated…but not impossible. My decision was made. I was going to do whatever it took to make Bella mine.

My hand taps nervously against my thigh as I wait for her to answer the door. It feels like forever before she finally does, but when I get my first eyeful of her, my mouth goes completely dry. She's wearing a dress…some kind of sweater dress that hugs every fucking curve on her body and…damn, those legs…why the fuck are tights so goddamn sexy? She looks good enough to eat. I want to devour every living inch of her.

Her cheeks bloom under my gaze, and I can't stop the knee-jerk grin that pulls at my lips.

This girl has no idea what she does to me.

She smiles shyly in return and invites me in, excusing herself to grab her coat. My eyes follow her retreating figure hungrily, and the muscles in my neck twitch under my skin.

Her apartment is unnervingly quiet, and that's when I wonder where her chatty powerhouse roommate is.

"Is Alice here?"

"No, she's staying with Jasper for the weekend. She's barely ever home lately."

Holy fuck. My dick is way too happy about that, but tonight is not about him. I scrub the back of my neck, my eyes immediately darting away as she peeks over her shoulder at me. The last thing I want is to be caught ogling like the perv I am around her. Once her coat is on, I place my hand on her lower back and guide her to my car.

Bella wants to know where we're going, but I want it to be a surprise. She rolls her eyes as she settles into the seat, folding her arms and crossing her legs away from me. I want to chuckle at her little pouty display, but I'm suddenly distracted by a tiny sliver of pale skin that catches my eye. Right between the hem of her dress and the edge of her…tights…

No. Thigh highs.

She's wearing fucking thigh highs, which I know lead up to bare skin and nothing but a pair of…holy hell, I've got to stop…I reflexively grip the steering wheel a bit too hard as I try to center myself and redirect the blood back to my brain. My peripheral vision catches her pulling her coat closed with a smug little smirk, but the image is already burned into my retinas.

On second thought, maybe she knows exactly what she does to me.


I wanted to take Bella out on a proper date, someplace quiet and intimate with great food, and Emmett highly recommended this restaurant. I looked it up in the Zagat guide, and sure enough, it got excellent ratings. I'm not familiar at all with Long Island, so I was grateful that he and Alice gave me some helpful suggestions on where to go.

I want tonight to be special, to be a chance to really get to know Bella. I've been particularly anxious to hear more about how she knows my father, especially since it was apparent that she'd seen him in the ER on more than one occasion. I wanted details.

My curiosity soars when she scowls and gets all fidgety when I ask. I may be enjoying watching her squirm just a bit too much, but I'm not letting her off the hook. I lean closer, giving her my full and undivided attention but hers seems to have drifted elsewhere. She's been staring at my forearms for a beat too long…what I wouldn't give to know where she wanders off to in that enigmatic brain of hers.

"Bella," I call her back to me. Her eyes dart back to mine, momentarily wide and sheepish, but she recovers quickly with a sigh of resignation and proceeds to explain.

Bella goes on to tell me how she nearly drowned cliff diving in La Push, got a concussion trying to drive a motorcycle, and sliced and burned herself on a regular basis while she taught herself to cook. Her past recklessness surprises me, and I'm equally surprised by how much it bothers me to hear about it.

"You seriously dove off one of those cliffs at La Push? What the hell were you thinking?" I blurt out, not meaning for it to come out as harsh as it did, but still reeling in disbelief as I take it all in. I know those cliffs, and the water can be cold and rough. You had to be a pretty strong swimmer to pull it off, which she obviously wasn't. She could have easily gotten herself killed.

But she just plays it off lightly. "I don't know," she admits with a smile and a shrug. "Everybody else was doing it? I was fourteen! It seemed like a good idea at the time."

Of course she knows my father. He's been the main ER attending for the past twenty years. I'm beginning to wonder how well Carlisle and Chief Swan knew each other, between their lines of work and Bella's frequent emergency room visits.

Obviously better than I realized.

"What?" Bella's voice is soft and cautious. I look into her worried eyes.

"I was just thinking that my father must know your family pretty well."

"I guess you could say that," she confirms. "He's a great doctor, and he always took good care of me. My parents think very highly of him."

And there it is.

I'd always wondered why the Chief hadn't breathalyzed me at the scene of the accident when he knew I'd been drinking. He'd waited until he took me back to the station after I'd been treated at the hospital, which gave me two hours to metabolize the alcohol out of my system. As it was, I blew a 0.07, barely under the legal limit, which meant I would never have passed if he'd taken it earlier.

Did he give me a break because of my father? Because the Chief felt he owed Carlisle for all the times he'd taken care of his only daughter?

Now I can't help but wonder if indirectly, the reason I'm able to graduate from my residency this year is because of the beautiful, accident-prone woman sitting before me.

I'm trying to wrap my head around it all as I re-examine that night of the accident with a whole new perspective.

My eyes slowly drift back to hers, finding her lovely features wrought with concern.

"Is everything okay?" she asks, and her uncertainty pulls at me.

Tonight isn't supposed to be about this. The last thing I want to do is weigh down this evening with unnecessary, heavy bullshit. So I smile to reassure her, taking a breath filled with relief as our waiter arrives with our entrees.


There are several things I learned about Bella tonight. First, that it's a miracle she survived her teens.

Second, that she thinks she doesn't like fish, though apparently she really does as long as it doesn't squeak.

Only Bella.

Third, that no one else should ever be allowed to watch her consume dessert in public. She's downright pornographic when it comes to chocolate.

Fourth, that she was designed to fit in my arms. I made sure to keep her there at every opportunity.

And most importantly, that she is positively addictive. I have a contact high from being around her, and I never want to come down from it. I can't get enough of the way she makes me feel.

This was such a great night, and I don't want it to end. I take a longer route home and even drive the speed limit just to delay the inevitable. I'm already planning out when I can see her again.

I walk her slowly to her door and pull her body against mine, loving the way she nuzzles into me. She gazes up and thanks me with the most radiant smile—one that makes me feel like I've just hit the winning home run—and my answering smile is automatic. Gently lifting her chin, I caress her cheek, enjoying the silky feel under my thumb as I bring her lips to mine.

Bella instantaneously melts into me, her soft lips and body perfectly molding to mine, and what starts out as a sweet, tender kiss goodnight quickly escalates into much more. She tastes like berries and distilled temptation, and she feels like heaven. She clutches me impossibly tight, our mouths and bodies unable to get close enough.

I'm so lost. There's nothing to hold me back anymore, and I'm so ready to explore what this could be. I'm all in. All hers.

I pin her against her door, allowing my hands to roam freely. One finds purchase in her silky, fragrant hair; the other traces the contours of her body, thumbing the delicate prominence of her hip bone, continuing downward around the back of her thigh and pulling it closer until she wraps it around me. I feel her grinding herself into me and tugging at my hair with such urgency that I want to rip her underwear off right here on the spot. She's killing me…I've just about lost all semblance of self-control, and I break away.

"What do you want, Bella?" I rasp out, searching her eyes, trying to catch my breath. Because I want her so fucking badly, but I need her to set the pace. She's calling all the shots from here.

Her eyes are wide, face flushed, lips swollen. She's so painfully beautiful…I feel like I'm dangling at the rim of the ledge waiting for her response.


That one simple, monosyllabic word has just made me the happiest, luckiest bastard in the world.

"Then invite me in."

Her lips part, but no words come out. I can't tell from her expression what's going through her head…and then she simply hands me her keys.

I'm soaring. The gesture makes me feel like I've been given the keys to so much more than just her apartment.

I have no idea how I manage to open that door, because everything is one crazy, passionate, wonderful blur of kissing, groping and undressing as I guide our tangled bodies to her bedroom.

We stumble onto her bed. She's smiling and luminous and all mine. My heart is thrashing around my chest on overdrive, and I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. Everything I've coveted for so long is right here, waiting to be unwrapped.

I peel away her dress—the last remaining barrier keeping me from what I've endlessly dreamed and fantasized about—and I let my eyes drink her in.

She's fucking perfect. Soft and creamy, with curves where a woman should have them. She's a vision of pure, natural sensuality in a simple, sweet cotton bra that matches another pair of those boyshorts.

And holy fuck, those thigh highs must be the hottest thing I've ever seen.

I can't wait to remove it all. Except the thigh-highs—those definitely stay.

Bella doesn't give me much time to gawk though, scurrying to get rid of my clothing with trembling hands. So I help her shed them as quickly as humanly possible until I'm down to my underwear as well. I cover her warm body with mine, finally feeling her skin to skin.

Her face is so honest and expressive. It's one of the things I love about her; everything she doesn't say is written all over her face. I see her desire, her warmth, and even a touch of trepidation.

I cradle her cheek in my palm, trying to sweep away any hesitation. Trust me. I'll take care of you.

Her eyes bore into me, and I only see conviction and need now. She pulls me down and presses those luscious lips into mine, demanding and full of fire as her fingers meander around my back and her legs wrap around me, shifting and squirming until I can feel the heat of her sex grinding deliciously against my cock.

Holy fucking shit. She's going to wreck me, and I haven't even gotten her naked yet.

I draw back enough to see her face. "Are you sure about this?" I ask. I need to hear that she's ready and have to see it in her eyes.

"God, yes," she breathes, sending a surge of endorphins through my veins as my anticipation peaks. But then that flicker of uncertainty returns. "Are you?"

Silly, silly girl.

I grab her ass, grounding into her center again for good measure. "Does that answer your question?"

Her mouth presses into mine again, and I can feel and taste her smile. More heated kissing ensues, and after an awkward, impromptu briefing about STDs, I somehow find the strength to peel myself away from her and scramble to her kitchen, rummaging through my coat pocket for the condoms in my wallet. I want to laugh at myself for how long they've been there, but I'm thankful as hell for them right now.

And I have every intention of using them up tonight.

When I make it back to Bella's room, I find her covered up in her sheets. She's so wrapped up in her own head she doesn't even know I'm back.

Oh, to just get a peek inside that mind of hers.

"Bella?" I call her name softly, and once our eyes meet she's back again, beaming and welcoming.

Her gaze follows me as I walk back to the bed, and she bites her lip as she watches me drop the condoms on her nightstand. I take a fistful of the sheets, gently pulling them away and climbing back over her body. She instantly wraps around me with a sigh as I return my mouth into hers, nipping at that full bottom lip. "You're fucking stunning, Bella. Don't hide from me."

I let this overflowing need to devour her spill over, succumbing to it, so ready to discover and unlock her secrets.

My mouth trails a path southward, leaving the sweetness of her lips to finally explore uncharted terrain. I suck at sweet skin, disposing of her bra and smiling because her breasts are just as beautiful as I've imagined. Her pink nipples are the same shade as her lips and are so perfectly responsive to my touch, so sweet on my tongue.

Fingers press urgently into my neck, and soft, muffled whimpers send thrills up and down my spine, spurring me onward. But I take my sweet time.

I want to savor every moment.

I travel down her belly, blazing a path with my lips and tongue and a hint of teeth…tasting, teasing. Tuning in to her body's reactions and learning what she likes. Where she's ticklish. What makes her gasp and what makes her moan. I submerge myself in the exploration of her flesh, continuing my descent until I reach fabric.

"I fucking love these," I growl, but they have to go. I pull them a little lower, kissing the freshly exposed skin, brimming over with eagerness to finally taste her. Feel her fall apart at my mercy.

Then suddenly her muscles tense.

I freeze.

My eyes dart up to meet hers, and I don't understand what's wrong. Her lip is between her teeth again, and she reaches for me, pulling me back up again.

"Come here," she murmurs, her eyes pleading. "I want you. Now."

Disappointment seeps under my skin. There's a sting that she isn't comfortable enough with me to allow that yet, but somehow this doesn't completely surprise me. Nothing should surprise me anymore when it comes to Bella.

Once we're face-to-face again, she impatiently attacks my mouth, and all the air escapes my lungs when I feel her warm hand palm my cock.

All rational thought has officially left the building. I want more. I want all of her.

Bella hisses as I slip my hand inside her underwear, and I moan the moment my fingers reach the slippery, heated flesh. She's so fucking wet already, and her hand is now doing indecent things to my dick.

One, two fingers push inside her, and I pump them to the same rhythm she's stroking me. It's intoxicating, but I can't keep this up because this feels too fucking good, and her soft keening is going to end this way too soon.

She's ready. I force myself away long enough to remove our remaining underwear and roll on a condom.

I'm finally where I want to be—about to make love to the most beguiling woman I've ever known, and I want to imprint this moment to memory. Her gorgeous face, the adoration and need in her eyes, and the exhilaration in my chest—it's perfect.

Dark chocolate eyes ensnare me as I slip through her center, luxuriating in the slick heat. I slide back and forth, coating myself with her arousal, teasing us both before I carefully press into her.

Her walls grip me tight, and her fingers dig into my back as her body tenses. "Bella, I need you to relax. I don't want to hurt you," I whisper, brushing her lips against mine, stroking her cheeks softly. Let go. Let me make this good for you.

She sighs deeply, breathing me in and releasing the tension in her muscles. Then her long legs wrap around my back, pulling me all the way in.

Holy fuck…The sensation of her engulfing me is so intense it's almost overwhelming. I hesitate, letting myself enjoy this incredible feeling of just being inside her while I wait to make sure she's ready.

"Are you okay?" I ask her, and I'm rewarded with that smile. The one that makes me feel like a fucking boss.

"Hell yeah," she replies with a grin and a swivel of her hips. And we finally begin to move.

Our bodies move together like she was created just to harmonize with me. It's so much better than anything my imagination could ever conjure up. Sex is sex, and of course it feels amazing; but nothing could prepare me for how much emotion would be behind this, and how much that intensifies everything. For how amazing it would feel to feed this insatiable thirst, to finally give in to this undeniable need for her.

Bella completely surrounds me. Her body wraps around me, meeting me thrust for delicious thrust. I'm immersed in her scent. Mesmerized by her sounds. Her bottomless eyes swallow me whole and never leave mine, never breaking this connection. She's everywhere. She's everything.

She's my entire world.

But she feels too fucking good, and I'm not ready for this to end.

I'm holding off the inevitable as much as I can to the point that the pleasure borders on pain. I want her release more than I want my own. I'm doing everything I can to get her there, but it's killing me.

"Bella, I can't hold on much longer. I need you to come," I plead, my voice rough and strained.

Something changes. Her features darken, and something isn't right. She closes her eyes and it's like she's with me, but she really isn't. When her gaze meets mine again, it's defeated and apologetic.

"Let go, Edward. Please. I want you to."

It's like a kick in the balls. For a moment I can't breathe. I don't even want to.

This isn't the way I want the best mind-bending sex of my life to end. If I'm freefalling off that edge, I need her to go with me.

Focus. Control.

With renewed vigor, I bring her legs up over my shoulders, changing the angle and the intensity. I drive into her with every ounce of passion I have in me, trying to hit that elusive spot. My head is spinning because of how incredible she feels this way, and I know I have her back in the moment, her soft cries escalating each time our bodies collide.

So fucking good…

Too fucking good…

I'm overwhelmed as my control slips away, and I'm gone. The pleasure I've been tamping down overtakes me, electrifying my body, taking everything that's left and leaving me a lifeless puddle, heaving to catch my breath.

Bella's arms and legs wrap tenderly around my limp body, her fingernails running calming lines up and down my back.

I've never felt so high and so low at the same time.

She didn't climax.

I feel like a fucking selfish douche.

I roll off her, doing away with the condom and then moving us both to our sides facing each other. I sweep her wild, tousled hair away from her face, surprised to find her looking so unexpectedly…contented.

"I'm sorry I finished before—"

She quickly cuts me off with a kiss, taking me by surprise.

"Don't be." Her cheeks flush a deeper shade of red, and she casts her eyes down. She's quiet for a moment. "It isn't you…I don't…well, I never do."

I'm completely stupefied.

Like I said, nothing should surprise me when it comes to Bella, yet she's somehow managed to do it again.

She continues to explain that she has never been able to orgasm, and that it isn't a big deal to her. She doesn't mind.

She doesn't fucking mind?

I can't grasp it. She's never had a single, solitary orgasm in her entire life. And she just accepts that she never will. She may be able to, but I won't.

"What about when you masturbate?" I press. If she's been able to climax that way, I know I can remedy this.

"Edward, can we please not discuss this? You're killing my afterglow," she whines, pulling her sheets over her head like a petulant child.

I drag the covers away from her, forcing her to face me. There is no way I'm going to just let something like this go. "Are you telling me that you're comfortable having sex with me but not talking to me?"

"Good God!" she groans, now covering her face with a pillow. This woman… "No, I've never had one with that, either. Jeez, you're a pain in the ass!"

I take the pillow she's now trying to hide behind and caress her cheek, hoping she sees that I'm just trying to help. Her expression softens with a small sigh.

"Does this bother you?" she asks feebly, and I'm so completely taken aback. How on earth could she think that?

"It should bother you, Bella. I just find it difficult to believe." Has she just accepted this as fact and given up? "Have you ever tried a vibrator?"

"No," she mutters through clenched teeth. I know she's irritated with me for pushing her so far out of her little comfort zone, but her answer thrills me.

Because this at least means she hasn't explored all of her options.

And the mere idea of Bella using a vibrator is hot as fuck.

She's healthy and young. So passionate and so incredibly responsive. There isn't any organic reason that she could be clinically anorgasmic. Except…

Of course.

It makes perfect sense. There is nothing physically wrong with Bella. The only thing wrong is that she's somehow convinced that there is something wrong.

In fact, with everything I know about her, it shouldn't surprise me that she's never been able to climax. She gets so wrapped up in her own head that I'm willing to bet she's probably never been able to let herself relax enough to be fully immersed in the moment, essentially sabotaging her own release.

A woman's mind is one of her most potent erogenous zones. I have a theory that Bella's is her own worst enemy.

Maybe all she needs is the right stimulation…

And the right distraction.

"Then I don't think you're truly anorgasmic if you haven't tried everything," I say, a smile sneaking across my lips. She eyes me dubiously as I move over her. "Can I try something? Consider it a diagnostic test. In the interest of science."

Oh, I'm going to enjoy this little experiment.

I bring my mouth down to hers, kissing her slowly until I feel her relax, then dragging my lips across her jaw, dropping feather-light kisses along the way until I reach that delicious spot under her ear. "After all, I am a doctor," I whisper, grinning when I hear her breath catch. "I'll stop any time you want me to."

But you won't want me to.

My lips return to hers, our tongues leisurely caressing and teasing. Once I know she's fully immersed, her kisses becoming more eager and insistent, I let my hands start to wander.

My fingertips caress her face, and then weave through her hair to massage her scalp. I drag them lightly down the column of her neck, trailing across her collarbone and traveling down to the silky skin of her breasts.

Touching. Teasing. Taking my time, tuned in to her breathing and soft gasps. Keeping her mouth and body occupied. The only thing I want her thinking about is me and how good she feels right now.

"You're so beautiful," I murmur. "You have no idea how long I've wanted you like this."

Her sharp breath tells me she likes my words, which is exactly what I'm hoping for. I want to possess her body and her mind, shut everything out but this and us and right now.

"Do you like knowing you've been driving me crazy?" I ask, rolling her nipple gently between my thumb and index finger, watching her bite her lip to muffle a moan. "That I've been imagining being inside you? Wondered what you taste like?"

Think about that, Bella.

I continue to let my hands wander down her body, feeling the smooth skin pebble with goose bumps wherever they go, relishing every whimper they elicit. Meandering down her ribcage…swirling around her navel…lazily traveling southward, making her tug at my hair and press fingers into my spine, urging me onward.

My hand reaches her hip, slowly advancing to her perfect ass…massaging the flesh, making her moan as my fingers advance and retreat, closer and closer to her center but never touching where I know she wants it most.

I want her impatient and anxious. Desperate for my touch.

Desperate for the release I know I can bring her.

I move down her thigh, toying with the sensitive skin behind her knee before pulling her leg over my hip, opening her up and allowing me access. My hand begins its advance up the back of her inner thigh, stopping mere centimeters away from her sex.

"Do you want me to touch you?" I murmur, lavishing her neck with wet kisses, listening to her labored breath.

"Please," she pleads, her voice dripping with need, her body writhing beneath my ministrations.

Fuck yes.

Bella sucks in a sharp breath as I glide two fingers through her lips, and push them inside her slick heat at the same moment I slip my tongue into her mouth. I work them both in tandem, in and out. I want her to imagine how it would feel for my tongue to be fucking her instead of my fingers.

Breaking the kiss, I pull away enough to look at her, my fingers continuing their steady pace. She gazes at me through heavy lids, her lips parted seductively and her face flushed.

Fuck. Me.

"If you could only see how sexy you look," I tell her, my voice distorted by my own lust. "Do you like my fingers? Do you like them fucking you?"

She whimpers, and I feel another wave of her arousal on my plunging fingers. I'm so fucking hard again. I'm loving every second of this sweet torture.

My fingers curl, stroking and massaging with each pass until they find that tiny rough, raised patch of tissue inside. She immediately jerks and gasps, her inner walls squeezing me tight. Her eyes are wide and trained on me, pupils dilated. I feel my own insides tighten, so impossibly turned on by her erotic and deliciously responsive display. My eyes drift down, taking in the sight of my fingers disappearing in and out of her. Making sure to hit that spot over and over and adding my thumb to her swollen clit.

Her moans escalate, her body arching toward me. The scent of her sex is heavy in the air, so thick I can almost taste it.

Fuck. I want to taste it.

"Bella, you're killing me," I rasp. "I'm dying to taste you right now. If you only knew what my mouth could do to you…"

I continue to work her relentlessly, focusing on her breathing, taking her cues, letting her body tell me what it needs. "There are so many ways I want to fuck you. So many things I want to do to you." Words spill out of me like a confessional. "I've fantasized about it every single day. I don't think I'll ever be able to get enough of you."

I'm playing for keeps. I want her to know that.

I can tell she's getting closer and closer, and I want her first orgasm so badly I can feel a burning in my chest. I want it to be mine. I'm a selfish son-of-a-bitch and I want to ruin her for anyone else the way she's ruined me.

She pulls me back to her mouth, her kisses frenetic and ravenous as I swallow her cries. Her body trembles, bucking wildly into my fingers, and I know she just needs a little more to push her over the brink.

My excitement builds alongside hers, and I break the kiss so I can watch when she falls apart. I thrust harder and faster, increasing the pressure on her clit, holding her gaze and not letting go…

And then I feel it.

Her inner walls begin to flutter and spasm around my fingers and her body tenses. I watch in a state of awe as amazement and euphoria wash over her face. The flush in her cheeks spreads down her neck and across her chest. Her mouth opens, a sexy, visceral moan escaping as the pleasure overtakes her body.

It's magnificent. It's like watching a fireworks display for the very first time—an explosion of beauty, energy and light.

I continue to work her through the aftershocks. I want to wrench every last drop of pleasure out of her, gently slowing down until she grabs my hand to stop it.

I hold her close, brushing damp strands of hair away from her face, regarding her with a proud smile as I watch her float on her post-orgasmic high. She's absolutely radiant—literally glowing—grinning at me like I've just reeled in the moon and given it to her on a silver platter.

So fucking gorgeous.

I'm riding on a high of my own, feeling that same proud euphoria I experienced the very first time I delivered a baby.

Only a little smugger.

She wraps her arms around me, pressing her lips to mine, her kisses filled with delicious elation and electricity. "That was just…I didn't think it was possible. I don't even know how to thank you for something like that," she gushes, her eyes shining.

"It was my pleasure, Bella." Understatement of the century. "Though, if you feel the need to thank me, I do have a few ideas."

With that, I reach across her body, grabbing another condom off her night table, raring to go the next round.

And that's all, folks.

I wish I could hug and bake something delicious for each and every one of you, so leaving with some super-sweet smut was the best I can do.

Love and HEA to you all,