Shinji's deep memories

Shinji's deep memories

It was my first attempt to write an Evangelion's ffic. I hope you'll enjoy this short, introspective story.

Shinji's deep memories

My father

Shinji was lying in his bed,at Misato's flat, keeping his fists united, trying not to think over which was bursting in his heart,desperately . There Asuka left him alone, when he'd have needed someone to talk with,maybe; a week had gone by, since his father's death, and he'd have had to break the silence , right now,trying to talk, even with Asuka


"Asuka. What did you think of my father?I mean..."
"Shinji, I haven't time,now; I'm going out for some shopping"
Then, Asuka's insensitivity had been too much cruel.How strange, it seemed nobody had the time to talk with him.It wasn't like this.Shinji perceived Misato's embarrassment in approaching him;perhaps,in that moment,he had to be like an impregnable fortress. And Misato thought it was the rightest thing , not to break the silence Shinji had created around himself

"May I?"Misato tried to come into Shin-chan's bedroom.He had not come for dinner, neither that evening. "It'd be better for you to eat something, at least this evening"
Misato drew near him,and caressed his hair."Treasure"
"Miss Misato,why am I suffering so much for my father's death, since I hated him..?Is it for those few moments , when he deigned to tell me a word?Or is it for that desire I have ever had? I hoped it'd have come a day ,when he'd have told me the words I have always waited for. Is it 'cause I know it for sure , now, I'll never have a father like that, I'll never be able to regain my father's affection,or to deserve his respect?"
Misato was almost surprised for that sudden Shinchan's outburst, it was like he had found the words, after the silent days.
"I too, Shinji.. I lost my father too, before I could say I have got one. ..I'd have liked to start again without him,however a smile'd have been useful to begin; every morning, since I was at the age of fourteen, looking at myself in the mirror,I didn't found the shadow of a sincere smile...treasure..Shinji..I don't know if I'm asking you for too much..Are you able to invent that kind of smile?"
Misato crouched near to Shinji,taking him by the hand.Shinji started to cry,lowly.
Misato felt a little tear streaking her face.
"Little Shinji"

I know you

Shinji was lost in his thoughts, while he was crossing the threshold of the cemetery ,in the surroundings of Neo Teokyo 3, in order to go and meet his father.
He was thinking of the words Misato told him a few evenings ago,of the last memories of his father,at the Nerv.
"Shinji, your father was strange, disappointed by his work, during the last days of his life. He was discouraged...he was also thinking over which he had spent his life for.... the Project E,the Human Enhancement Project, didn't satisfy him any more.

Shinji realized he had arrived at the place of his father's grave:Rokubungi Gendo.He approached the grave, and cleaned the tombestone, covered by a thin coat of dust,wetted by the drops ,dropped here and there.
The ground smelt of wet.
"Daddy..What was my fault? I was unable to deserve your love,or.."
Suddenly, Shinji perceived some very light steps, behind him. He didn't turn back, but he felt she was Ayanami, somehow.

Rei wasn't amazed he recognized her, even if he hadn't turned back to look at her.
"Your father..we miss him very much"
"What were you telling the Commander?"
"I asked him what was my fault"
"I don't know. Maybe none of you was wrong; even if I don't know you"
"Don't you know me?you know my dreams, Ayanami, so you know the most important thing of me: you know that I'm dreaming of a normal life,that I'd have liked to have an other life,a person beside me,who loved me,..a person like Miss Misato, ..or a person..maybe this life isn't that bad, if I met a person like you"Shinji said all these words, without looking away from his father's photograph on the tombestone
Then he added: "Father, how many times will I come here, to say to you goodbye?I hope I'll hear you saying "I love you, Shinji",sometimes"
Then he turned back, looked down, and raised his gaze to Ayanami's face, clenched his fists, asking:"Do you love me, Ayanami?" Rei-chan smiled slightly, her face had a sweet look."I guess... I love you..even if I'm not able to show my affection,and make which you'd expect from a person who loves you..Forgive me, Ikari",Rei said, looking at him intensely, with her purple eyes.
"I expect nothing ;I only expect you to know that I'm here and I love you.I'm here for you"
Rei stayed speechless
Ikari said:"Let's go. May I see you home?"
"Thank you.As you like"

Nothing good

That morning, Shinji went to his father's grave, before school.He wasn't amazed when he met Ayanami,right there.
Song of the Holy Life
When I need you, I close my eyes,
and you are here, if I need to know that I love you,
I look into my heart,and I feel I'm already thinking of you

Rei turned back, hearing Shinji's steps,and said:
"Hello, Shinji". Shinji was pleasantly surprised Ayanami called him by name, and let out an ingenuous smile,which he felt ashamed of,soon afterwards."Hello,Rei"
"Can you read the inscription on your father's grave?It says:" Death gives birth to nothing""
"I guess", Ikari faltered out,"It means something important..I guess that's a good concept, even if it's stated in a dim and obscure form"
"It means", Rei nodded, "nothing is born from death and total ruin,we have to start from life. sometimes your father could seem a person who didn't take care of people's lives.A person who'd have destroyed the single persons,to gather the life in an Only Being,The Perfect Man.
"My father's porpuse was man's Enhancement"
"Nevertheless, Shinji, don't believe he couldn't recognize the importance of single human lives"
Shinji frowned."I can't believe such a thing..For his purposes,he always trampled on anybody, he risked my mother's life,he almost made me kill my friend Touji,and ruined your life too..."Shinji was surprised he had found again the courage to express in front of her his anger against his father, he remembered that slap she gave him, on the escalator.
"Don't you trust in him?"
"What?..he's such a father.."
"Now..I can understand you..but..that time, when Gendo got those burns, to save me, the day of the failed Activation test,..that moment was important for me..and for him..perhaps that time.."Rei said, looking at the ground,rising slightly, but with her eyes fixed on Commander's grave.
"He put aside even The Project E",Shinji finished "but he couldn't put it aside, the day the Third Angel attacked,..he couldn't ask me for my help with a bit of kindness,with a touch of humanity.I was ordered to go into the Eva,without an explanation."
After a long pause of silence "but he was my father"
"Which you are saying now, confirms that you loved him"Rei said, looking into Shinji's eyes.
Suddnley, the purple eyes brightened,and Rei gave Shinji a rapid,shy kiss on his cheek.
Shinji stuttered something "yes I..I.."
"Me and you, and Dr. Akagi were the only persons who loved him, at Nerv"

Kensuke Aida had met by chance Dr.Akagi , on the way leading him at home,and asked her ,gently and a little intrusively, some news about Gendo's death.
The blond haired scientist had smiled and answered the young boy this way: "There's no way for you to know more than which TV said about Commander's death. For the rest,it's top secret"
How did Aida react?
"I agree with you, Doctor Akagi",he answered,standing at attention,causing Ritsuko to laugh sonorously.
"I'm not a Major, you know"
"I owe you the same respect,Doctor. Sorry for having bothered you.I had to imagine these information were top-secret" Ritsuko snickered, during all her way back.
She was in the underground,dangled by the carriage running away,along the circle line n.7, and thought,reading the paper, absent-minded:"Neither I know much more than which is written on this newspaper "
GENDO IKARI'S DEATH Perhaps it was caused by an heart failure,in consequence of the complications of a rare pulmonary desease,....the valid Commander of Nerv Special Agency.. he distinguished himself during the recent war against the Angels..Someone supposed the commander's illness was caused by the contaminated area filled with LCL..the chemical process.."
"Bullshits"Ritsuko thought"That's not the only truth...who knows..Commander died for his illness, or 'cause he lost the will of living..I wonder who can trust in some orrible projects,right now..neither he..maybe..everywhere he is, perhaps he is looking at the Truth..not the human truth, neiter the Angel's truth..."
"Incredible. I forgot to get off at my stop!"
In that case, Ritsuko's thoughts had distracted her, just like the music of Shinji's walkman, much less harmonious.

Things you can't remember

Shinji's sleeping at Misato's home,he's dreaming about his earliest memories.

2004 Underground Center for genetical research. Akone.
"What a nice child!", Dr. Naoko Agaki said.
"Why is a child right here?",professor Fuyutsuki asked.
"He's Commander's son"

2003. Luna-Park in neo Tokyo-2
Yui Ikari carries little Shinji on his shoulders. The pupil turns to look at his father. Gendo Ikari smiles at his child.

2002 A child on his pram,his father is talking with his mother,Yui Ikari. Gendo caresses the pupil's face ,gently. "He's a beutiful child,isn't he?"
"Yes,he is"

"Wake up, Shinji", Asuka yelled.
"mm...asuka-san...what time is it?"
"Shinji, it's time for you to welcome your guest"
"yes..the model student,Wonder Girl!"
" you mean?..Ayanami?"
"Who else could it be?",Asuka muttered.
"Is Rei here?"
"She waits for you in the kitchen..she is having a coffee with Misato"
"Asuka, thank you for waking me up so sweetly, you are an Angel, really"
"In the worst meaning"
"Are you in joking mood , this morning?"
"It was no a joke"
Shinji, plugging his ears, joined his hands for a prayer:"I pray you, the last thing I 'd like to listen, this morning, is your crow's croaking^^;"
"BAKA SHINJI!!!è_____é##"
Shinji pushed Asuka out of the door, not so gently." I have to get dressed"
He wore a pair of jeans, thinking over why Ayanami came to see him,so early in the morning..
"Who knows,'s about my father..does she want to talk me about him?"
Shinji came into the kitchen."Good Morning Misato". There was only Misato, with a letter in her hand.
"Where is Rei? Misato..Asuka told me that Ayanami came to see me"
"Yes, she has been here until a moment ago..then she had to go away, it was late .She told me to give you this letter, and apologized for bothering you: she wrote this letter just in case she couldn't tell you it in person"
Shinji stayed still, his gaze lost in the void,while Misato rimaned with her hand tended to him:"Then??it's for you, don't you want it , Shinchan?Letters are supposed to be read^^;"
Shinji catched the letter and turned towards the door
"Where are you going to?", Misato yelled behind him.
"I don'tknow", Shinji said,opening the door,while he was gazing at the letter which he gripped in his hand.
"That boy is so strange..he has his head on the clouds,more than me. It seems he's hopeless at love, just like me"
"The telephone! Who is this pest, in the early morning?-____-;"
"Moshi moshi..KAJI!!What do you want in the early morning?" From the other room, Asuka rushed:"KAJI!!Will you give me the telephone,then?"
"Wait , please, Asuka..don't be a pest!!Kaji, why the hell..don't dare say that!!"

Shinji read the letter ,crossing the street,without caring about the cars, infact a motorist shouted at him.He had to brake suddenly, in order not to run him over.

"Dear Shinji, your father's death, my frequent visits to his grave showed me this one thing: no sky, neither the neverending immensity,compares to the brightness of the means to be close..I'd like to be closer to you.. because I love you, by now"
"beacause I love you, by now" Shinji thought,he thought it were a dream.
Shinji came back home at six o'clock in the evening.
"No one is at home".
He threw himself on the bed, and looked at the celing"This celing is dearer than the sky, to me"