Started out wanting to make it long and serious. Got a bad parody in the end. CG does obviously not belong to me; neither does the Bible. Might offend. Happy Easter / Passover / Pastover / whatever in the name of ATHEISM!11!1!
While Lelouch Lamperouge certainly was not (too) childish, he just could not stand it if one of his ingenious plans went wrong. And so he was quite displeased as he awoke from C.C.'s voice when he actually should be dead by now.
Slowly he opened his eyes. Above him was nothing but the incredibly starry sky; there was not a single cloud to see. Beneath him was a bed of cold sand. He was naked.
„Wake up, boya."
Lelouch turned his head to spot the origin of the voice: C.C.'s voice, unmistakable.
The immortal's clothing was not exactly normal, not even for her: She wore a long, sleeveless white tunic with two purple stripes that went all the way down to her ankles, plain leather sandals and a narrow girdle. It somehow reminded him of roman matrons, except for her outfit missing a stola.
„Welcome", she deadpanned, „to the Desert of Negev, 30 AD."
Lelouch closed his eyes again. He hated it when his plans backfired.
„So you're saying that this is not 2018 a.t.b. but 30 AD."
„And that I've taken the place of Jeshua ben Josef, a jewish itinerant preacher."
„And that we'll go to Yerushalayim now to have me killed ... again."
„And that you absolutely have nothing at all to do with this mess."
„And furthermore you're saying that I can't use my Geass anymore and that I can't do anything else changing the course of history?"
„Yes. This is not some kind of parallel world, it's the real thing... just another time."
„Wouldn't that mean that everything is predestined and I can't change anything?"
„Don't think so much, it'll hurt your brain."
„This mule is pretty slow. And... uncomfortable."
„Sorry I was not able to get you the Avalon, your Majesty."
„You know what actually bothers me most, C.C.?"
„... What exactly is the real Jesus doing now?"
„I don't know for sure, but he probably is leading the resistance in Area 11, fighting against Britannia, attending Ashford and taking care of Nunnally."
„You let some lunatic jewish preacher from the 1st century close to my precious Nunnally?"
„C'mon, he's the son of god..."
„What. That's what they taught me when I was a child."
„That's why your little friend, Jeanne d'Arc, let you burn, witch."
„I wonder what will happen when Jesus tells my Black Knights that they shall allow Britannia to strike them on the other cheek as well."
„Or when he encounters Suzaku."
He could only hope to do nothing wrong during this meal.
It had been a long time since he last read the New Testament– being an atheist and all – and also he knew next to nothing about the customs of Judaea in the time of Jesus. Ask him something on Rome, perhaps Greece, and Lelouch was certain that he could give a long and scholarly sermon on every topic – but Judaea?
However, he still remembered a few key phrases from the New Testament, and so he quoted (in English, he had discovered that he was understood nonetheless): „Verily I say unto you, One of you which eateth with me shall betray me."
Of course the men that had gathered around him – like dogs around their master, he thought – were full of sorrow („Is it I?" – „Will I be the one?") and so he said – still quoting from the old King James version; he had quite a fondness for it's ancient style resembling Shakespeare so much – „It is one of the twelve, that dippeth with me in the dish. The Son of man indeed goeth, as it is written of him: but woe to that man by whom the Son of man is betrayed! good were it for that man if he had never been born."
Those word made quite the impression and his disciples – Jesus' disciples, that was – fell into silence.
Now, however, Lelouch was lost. He searched for something to say; tried to remember the ancient words. Then, the men already were quite uneasy, C.C. nudged him under the table – unnecessarily hard. Irritated, he looked at her: The immortal pointed her chin towards the plate with the traditional matzot. Her lips formed the words ‚I'm hungry. Do something.'
And so (since there was not much he could do to ignore her) he took one loath of the bread and brake it.
„That was quite embarassing, Lelouch."
„So what? In the end I did everything right."
„... Whatever. You know what will happen next?"
„I sought my own death once. This is exactly the same thing, isn't it?"
„In the end, that Jeshua got remembered for what I did, while I won't... Aren't we exactly the same in the end?"
„Isn't that heresy?"
„With pleasure. I'd love to see little Jeanne burn you instead of me... two or three times, I forgot."
„Ah, I love you too, witch."
„Liar. The only persons you love are yourself and your little sister."
„Then so it be. ... I see lights."
„That's the one who will betray you ... Judas Iscariot. Don't you think that he resembles Suzaku?"
„Well then, C.C.. I look forward to chatting with that roman ... Pilatus was his name? I always wanted to test my latin."
Judas – the one looking like Suzaku – was indeed amongst the men. About a dozen they were, with torches, lanterns and weapons.
Lelouch approached the men's leader. „Whom seek ye here?", he asked. „Jesum!", they answered, using the latin accusative of the name, „Jesum Nazarenum!"
He gave a slight chuckle, much to the surprise of everyone. Then he said „It is me whom ye seek."
When they led him away only minutes after that, his and Judas' eyes met until the latter ashamedly turned away his gaze. Truly, Lelouch thought, that guy looked just like Suzaku...
„Ave, Praetor", he greeted the man politely.
It was obvious to everyone that Pontius Pilatus was completely over-worked. He was pale, and he sweated in his woolen Toga under the burning sun of the Levant. Poor guy; if only he had known how he would be remembered over the next two-thousand years Pilatus would probably have applied to be transferred. Well, too late, Lelouch was going to make that man's afterlife like hell.
At the moment, the Praetor of Judaea seemed quite relieved to be able to have this trial in Latin. „Salve", he answered; then, „What do they charge you with? What do you preach that you caused such a stir? Are you the King of Jews?"
Lelouch cleared his throat, looked into a tiny, gold-bordered mirror of silver and quickly adjusted his hair. Then he straightened himself and spoke loudly: „Sayest thou this thing of thyself, or did others tell it thee of me?"
Pilatus laughed bitterly. „Am I a Jew? If not, why should I say so? Thine own nation and the chief priests have delivered thee unto me: what hast thou done?"
Although Lelouch loved and admired Shakespeare's language, he by now had grown quite tired of it. Also, he wondered why he understood both Pilatus' Latin, the disciples' Aramaean and the Priests' Hebrew as 16th century English. Maybe it was because his own exemplary of the Bible (collecting dust in his bookshelf in Ashford) was a King James' edition? Or because it stood just next to Shakespeare?
Nonetheless, Lelouch said: „My kingdom is not of this world: if my kingdom were of this world, then would my servants fight, that I should not be delivered to the Jews: but now is my kingdom not from hence."
Again he had to restrain laughter. Indeed, his kingdom was not of this world – or, at least, not of this time. It did not even exist yet – a few years after Emperor Eowyn's death the Empire of Britannia that had been created to fight back Caesar had collapsed again. Thus spake the history books, at least the ones he had got from the EU.
Pilatus dug yet further. „Art thou a King then?", he asked. Of course – Roman law required either striking evidence or a confession. As far as he remembered, Jesus had given the latter. „Yes", Lelouch thus said, „I am a King. For this I was born. I was sent here to witness truth, and those willing to hear the truth shall hear me."
Pilatus gave a slight chuckle. „Truth? Just what is truth?", he asked. „Just what is Justice?", Lelouch shot back.
They smiled at each other, as if they shared a secret.
„What if I told you that I will be remembered as the son of God for millenias while you will be known as the one responsible for my death?", he then asked him. „What if I told you that I am from the distant future?"
The Praetor laughed again. „I'd say that truth is multi-layered. And that the Gods find their pleasure in toying with us humans."
Then he stepped forwards and rested his hand on Lelouch's shoulder.
„Come", he said, „Thy people shall decide on thy case." And they went out to the balcony, in front of which the people of Jerusalem had gathered. Pilatus turned to them; Lelouch found himself standing besides him with the straight back and confident look that befitted the Britannian Emperor or the son of God.
„I find in him no fault at all", Pilatus then spoke with a loud voice; Lelouch really had come to like the over-worked bureaucrat. He shared his fondness for dramatic speeches and effects as well as some of his philosophy – or so he had thoght after their short talk. „But ye have a custom, that I should release unto you one at the passover: will ye therefore that I release unto you the King of the Jews?", he continued.
Yet the masses (did the High Priest hold them in his hands?, Lelouch thought) did not accept. „Not him!", they cried agitatedly. „Not this man! Give us Jesus bar Abbas!"
„Say, who is this bar Abbas man? I fail to remember him."
„He is remembered as Barrabas. Neither the bible nor the men of faith I encountered throughout my life were too specific on him, but he is said to be a robber... a murderer perhaps."
„Ah, I think I remember. I read a treatise once that hypothesized that bar-Abba actually was a nickname for Jesus ... but he existed for real?"
„In all honesty, I don't know."
„But ... didn't I just met him? There, on the loggia?"
„Perhaps you did. But perhaps the Collective Conciousness of mankind is just playing it's tricks on you – or your own mind is."
„So... you lied when you told me that this was real?"
„Just what is Reality, Lelouch?"
„Reality? Reality is relative."
What the hell are you going to do with that lance, legionaire? No ... wait! Argh- not again.
„So... you're saying that we should give in to the Britannians and try to come to an understanding with them?", frowned the pretty redhead.
Jesus frowned back at her under the heavy mask. She and her companions did not seem convinced. „Eh, yes. For he who takes up arms shall suffocate through the sword. Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you."
Somebody gave a slight cough when he had finished, but noone spoke.
A sweatdrop formed on Jesus' temple. This was definitely going to be hard. Lord, he had already been overwhelmed with the cute young girl in the weird chair that had called him ‚brother' and had then tried to rape him.
Now he was surrounded by at least a century of soldiers, all of them armed, in black tunics and seemingly seeing him of all people as their leader ... and that redhead was certainly not to mess with. Now she spoke again.
„But Zero-sama, did you forget what you told us in Narita? That one can not change the world without getting their hands dirty? Did you forget what we did in Shinjuku, in Narita and during the Siege of Kyushu? How could you forget what those brit bastards did to us?"
„... I say unto thee: Render unto the Emperor the things that are the Emperor's, and unto God the things that are God's. And those who do wrong shall be punished in the afterlife..."
Kallen cleared her troath. „Zero-sama, might I have a word with you? In private. Now."
Jesus did not know why, but he had a strange feeling that he was going to die.
Perhaps he should stayed with the crazy girl in the weird chair.