He's never felt this way before.
He doesn't know what he's doing here, stood in her bedroom watching her sleep. It's… strange. What is he gaining from this experience? If he's not gaining anything… surely it's a pointless endeavour.
And Edward doesn't like doing pointless things.
School is a bore; the same thing repeated over and over again, in an endless cycle. That's it. That's his whole life, his whole existence- stretching off into the distance forever and ever; never tapering off, because he will never die.
He will repeat high school forever and ever, looping infinitesimally; learning about the same tired subjects and the same tired concepts he already knows far better than any of the teachers ever could.
And Edward doesn't like doing pointless things.
That's why his mind wanders during class.
That's why his knuckles clench and become white (whiter than usual).
And that's why sometimes- when he's feeling particularly nihilistic- he thinks there's really no point in being alive at all.
Everything's the same for him.
Nothing ever changes.
This is different.
Everything that makes up Edward's day to night to day again 'life' (because he doesn't sleep; he doesn't need to- and it's not a 'life', not really) seems so pointless sometimes he could laugh.
He doesn't laugh, though.
Instead, he sighs.
He sighs and pretends the endless nature of his 'existence' doesn't bother him all that much; when, in reality, it grates down into his core; because if 'eternal life' means cramped classrooms and lectures on mitosis it's a rather dismal sort of 'life' to lead. And his 'life' isn't leading anywhere, is it?
Sometimes, Edward envies humans. Their lives are fixed on straight paths- cradle to grave; and the good times get mixed with the bad so it all balances out- and, somehow, humanity manages to keep on smiling.
They know they're destined to die- but at least they have destinies, unlike vampires.
Humans know their lives are going to end and that's an incentive. That forces humans to search; trying to find some kind of 'meaning' to their sort lives while they have the chance- and if their 'meaning' boils down to 'have fun' that's fine; because it's still a goal.
It's still something to work towards.
And they will still die.
But Edward's life will not end.
It goes and on and on- forever.
And… Even though he doesn't need to sleep, he gets so tired- so very, very tired that it crushes down on his body like a weight, and sometimes he can't even get to his feet.
Everything's the same.
And his life- a long string of pointless events, one after another- isn't building towards anything. Edward's life will never culminate in a grand finale, and it will never reach a dead end; his life will never cut out before him, like a river when it runs its course.
His weary, exhausting, unending life will keep on flowing- pointless events after pointless events- like the sea.
Even if human lives are pointless, they always come to an end.
But Edward's life will continue being pointless forever; and, Edward thinks sometimes, that's just a little bit like torture.
He feels so tired.
Edward doesn't like doing pointless things- and maybe that's why he hates his immortal existence so much.
This is different.
She is different.
Edward watches the bands of milky moonlight stream across her face.
Edward watches her chest rise and fall softly in her sleep; a reminder (a beautiful reminder) that she is alive and she's imperfect, incredibly imperfect, like all human beings- but that only makes her existence more meaningful.
Edward listens to the sound of her heartbeat hammering in her chest- inaudible to ordinary human beings, but not for him.
Sometimes, he imagines he can hear her blood flowing through her veins, and the soft, subtle movements of each and every cell in her body.
This should be pointless. Like everything else in Edward's endless life, this should mean nothing; Bella should mean nothing.
But she doesn't.
Somehow, that girl- that pale-skinned, clumsy, breakable girl- seems to mean everything.
When Edward watches Bella at night, her hair fanning across her pillow and her face free of that awkward tension that haunts her at school, everything suddenly seems to have so much meaning he could drown in it.
Maybe he already is.
If he really didn't care for Bella, why would he keep coming back?
Edward has never cared to watch human beings before. Sometimes stray thoughts, odd comments, catch at the corners of his mind- whilst most other details slip right through like sand in an hourglass. But Edward doesn't choose to listen to these people's thoughts; and if he had the choice, he never would.
It's true that humans may be vapid, at times, and they make bad decisions- but every thought they hold in their heads has so much meaning (or, at least, meaning for them) that it's… painful.
Humans thoughts cut like the side of a serrated blade because humans can plan and hope and dream- but Edward lost those abilities a long time ago.
He doesn't want to listen.
He doesn't want to watch.
It hurts; and it's just another reminder of the old life (the wasted life) he himself once had. Human beings remind Edward just how pointless his existence is.
Edward doesn't need to be reminded of this. He knows it himself. So he doesn't listen. He tunes the other human beings out as best he can, and retreats into himself; shies away from their bright smiles and happy lives.
After all, it's stupid practising things that will only hurt you, isn't it?
And Edward doesn't like doing stupid things.
Why is he stood there, watching Bella?
Why does he care so much that he can't hear her; that he can't prise at the corners of her head with his fingertips and poke around at the thoughts that sit there?
Shouldn't he be glad?
Edward doesn't like listening to humans. Listening to humans makes Edward want things; selfish things- and he can't have any of them because he's dead and the people around him are all so filled with life.
Edward doesn't want to listen to the hopes and dreams of others when he cannot hope or dream himself.
There is really is no reason why he should be so desperate to hear Bella.
No reason at all.
Unless he wants to hurt himself.
And he doesn't… does he?
But Edward knows- deep down- why he's here.
It's because Bella means something to him. She's not like the other human beings; the humans Edward envies (envies with every particle of his being until he might just fall to pieces). Bella's not like the human beings Edward tries to avoid.
Edward doesn't just avoid humans because he's a vampire and they're his prey; oh no.
He shies away from them because their bright faces and cheerful thoughts remind Edward just how hollow his own existence is. And Edward doesn't like hurting himself- nobody does.
It's basic survival instincts.
Human beings are just as dangerous to Edward as he is to them.
He's not thinking clearly; he's acting on impulses- and impulses lead to anger and anger leads to snarls bared fangs and blood and broken promises and dead, empty humans-
And guilt always comes after.
If Edward was being sensible, he'd stay away from Bella.
He should hate her.
He did hate her; because Bella, with her… compelling scent and unreadable mind, made Edward curious.
More curious than he should have been.
Edward knows he should stay away from her. He's becoming obsessed; it's unhealthy- and if he stands too close to Bella he might just snap and sink his teeth into her neck- 'I'm sorry, Carlisle, it was a one off?'
He can't do that.
Bella's not the only one in danger.
Edward doesn't want Bella's humanity to hurt him.
Humans are incredible creatures- and a vampire like Edward can only stare at them in unbridled jealousy. He can reach out to human beings all he likes, but he can never share their joy because he's a monster- and monsters can't dream.
Monsters shouldn't dream.
Because it'll hurt all the more when their dreams inevitably come crashing down.
Edward should stay away.
It would be wiser- if not for Bella, than for himself- if he stayed away.
But he can't.
He's drawn to Bella like a magnet; like a moth enraptured by a beautiful flame- and Bella might think he's the incredible one (ethereal beauty and inhuman grace); but can't Bella see she's so bright and confusing and beautiful she drains the color from Edward's already ashen face and makes his pointless life mean less than it already does?
He shouldn't be watching her.
But he… can't help it…
He's hurting himself.
He'll hurt her, too.
He's never… felt like this… before…
A world without Bella Swan seems cold, dark. She's a frail, fragile human- and creatures are lurking in the night that could tear her apart; tear her away from Edward.
Tear her to pieces.
Every second Edward watches Bella's chest rise and fall comforts him; and, at the same time, drives those needles of bitter envy further and further into the hollow spot where his chest should be.
He hates her.
Bella makes Edward doubt himself.
Doubt his life.
Doubt… his own feelings…
How easy it would be if he wrapped his fingers round her neck and choked that life from her; drained her color away so she stopped making Edward feel so hideously inadequate.
Maybe it would have been better if Bella Swan never invaded Edward's life at all, and sent his feelings- his whole world- spinning.
Because, if Bella hadn't existed, Edward's life would still be pointless-
But it wouldn't hurt quite as much, because his mind wouldn't be clinging hopelessly to dreams and hopes and strange, fluttering feelings he thought he'd abandoned the moment his heart stopped beating.
Makes Edward want to dream again.
And he can't do that.
He knows he can't.
But he'll keep torturing himself all the same, with a dream that can never come true-
Because, despite the barriers he's put in place, and despite the voice in his head telling him he's no good for Bella- if he gets too close he'll kill the one person he cares about above all else (unless she kills him first)- he can no longer ignore the faint, trembling feeling inside that hollow shell of his heart.
His heart, which has been filled for ash in the past hundred years-
Now suddenly, inexplicably, begins to flood with feeling again.
N-not like this…
But it's true.
Bella gives his life meaning.
Edward has never felt this way before- and he doesn't know what to do. He barely understands why he's here, and he can't stop the pained ache that's taken root in his empty chest; and when Bella mutters his name in her sleep he knows, if he had any blood left in his body that wasn't stinging venom, his face would flush.
As Bella dreams about Edward, Edward dreams about Bella.
Bella… lets Edward dream that maybe- just maybe- his life isn't as pointless as he thinks.
And Edward knows.
He pretends he doesn't- tries to shy from it, shut it up with denial (sometimes with anger)- but he knows.
Despite logic, despite common sense- despite his attempts at self-preservation- he couldn't fight back this feeling.
Edward has fallen in love.
And now Bella is going to destroy him.
And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.
a/n: yeahhh… ahaha XD I'm not a big fan of Twilight (I don't /hate/ it, though XD), but I reading some Twilight fanfiction, and it amazes me how people manage to flesh out these characters into people who are rather beautiful ^_^;;
Whilst it would be easy of me to condemn Edward's stalkerage as something 'ewww! Weird! Lolol!' I wanted to try and do something a little ~different~, and try to write the scene where Edward watches Bella in a way that makes him seem confused and upset and conflicted- and somewhat sympathetic, because he knows what he's doing is wrong and he can't stop himself. Plus, I find the idea of Edward being clueless about love completely adorable XD
I love writing emotional slush like this that features heavily on feelings (rather than a character's ~scintillating arms~ XD), and I was thinking about maybe trying to write a multi-chaptered Twilight fic in a similar vein to this, but idk. Does anybody /care/? XD;;