Warning: spoilers, though minor, for WW TP, and OoT.
Warning2: this story involves rabid fangirls, do not read if you are allergic.
Warning3: Do not read unless you have a sense of humor! You may not agree with some of the pairings in this argument. Please do not flame my story just because you don't like a certain pairing. I don't like some of the pairings in here (ex: LinkXDark Link), but they're only in there to make it silly.
Don't own Zelda.
Navi and Saria walked in and took places at the table next to each other with little mishap. They are quickly followed by Nabooru and Midna.
"Oops, sorry little, whatever you are," Nabooru apologized after sitting on Navi.
Navi shook out her ruffled wings and they waited for the rest of the company to arrive.
"How many more are coming?" Ruto asked, trying to find a seat away from Navi.
"Well, there's five more," Midna told the zora.
"How do you know that?" the princess asked.
Midna rolled her eyes. "I counted the chairs, fish-girl."
"Hey, no name calling until the actual catfi— um, debate begins," the authoress told the gathered females sternly.
Next to arrive was Ilia, followed by Malon. The two farm girls found seats next to each other, with Ilia on Navi's right, and began talking about horses.
Zelda was next to walk through the door. She sat on Saria's left, with the authoress between herself and Midna.
Tetra sauntered through and dropped into a chair on Nabooru's right, two seats away from Malon. "Am I late?" she asked.
"No," the authoress replied, "we're just waiting on one more."
As if he'd been waiting for this, Dark link strolled through the door. "Hey, girls, did I keep you waiting?" he asked.
"What are you doing here?" Saria snapped, "This is a meeting for Link's possible love interests!"
"Well then I'm in the right place," he shot back.
Guffaws were heard around the table. "You?" Midna asked, once she had regained the power of speech, "The idea that Link would fall for his shadow is beyond ludicrous. It's like falling in love with your reflection!"
Dark Link sulked. "Hey, I'm a person. And if you want to use that line, how is Tetra not Zelda? I mean, Sheik isn't here."
Eyes around the table turned to the pirate captain in question.
"Simple," she said, "I'm a separate person. Got a crew, a ship, a life. Didn't know I was heir to the throne of Hyrule until King what's-his-face told me so. Sheik was just you in disguise, princess."
Dark Link, his logic defeated, sulked against the wall.
"Dark, last warning," The authoress growled, "get out or you will be thrown out." She glanced around the table at the faces and smiled wickedly, "or worse, we won't throw you out."
Dark looked puzzled. "How is that worse?" he asked.
"This room is filled with girls," she reminded him, "who are about to be discussing their love interest."
Dark yawned. "Your point?"
"Think fangirls," the authoress prompted, "rabid fangirls."
Dark shot away from the wall so fast, it was like he'd been burned. "Oh gee, um look at the time. I have to run, I mean there's this meeting I have to attend and um—see you!" He left at high velocity.
Medli dropped out of the sky, out of breath. "I am so sorry," she told the circle, "I ran into a headwind on the way here and got held up and, did I keep you waiting?"
"Nah," Midna said, "we had a very interesting conversation with Dark Link while you weren't here. Kind of sad you missed it."
"Did anyone think to record it?" Medli asked, settling into the seat between Midna and Ruto.
"With what?" Ruto asked.
The authoress glanced around the table. "It looks like everyone's here," she remarked. Around the table, going to her right were: Zelda, Saria, Weird ball of light, Ilia, Malon, Nabooru, Tetra, Ruto, Medli, and Midna. "I hereby declare this… debate? Meeting? Session? Well, whatever it is, it's starting now." She sat back down.
"Hey!" Navi cried, drawing the attention of everyone at the table, "I'll go first." She fluttered up into the air. "Link should be mine because I was actually with him the entire journey."
"Me too!" Midna interjected.
"Me three!" said the King of Red Lions.
"Go away, no one invited you!" yelled everyone at the table.
"As I was saying before I was interrupted," Navi resumed, glaring at Midna while pointedly ignoring both their unwanted visitor and the authoress making threatening gestures in his direction. "I was actually helpful and did something to aid Link on his quest."
"I did that too," King of Red Lions piped up.
The authoress pushed a few buttons on her control panel, which no one had noticed sitting on the table in front of her until now. A door appeared in the wall and the King of Red Lions went flying out it. This door led to a cliff, because the gathered persons could hear him screaming and crashing against the cliff the whole way down.
"I did something too!" Nabooru interjected, as if talking boats were pushed down cliffs every day in her world, "Link couldn't have sealed Ganondorf away if it wasn't for me!"
"I helped with that too AND he's actually my fiancé, which is more than the rest of you combined can say" Ruto spat, though that last part was more smug.
Saria puffed up at this. "Yeah, because you tricked him," she accused, "therefore it doesn't count. Plus you two," she pointed at Nabooru and Ruto, "needed to be rescued. I did not AND I helped with the sealing away AND I gave him one of the most-used items on his quest."
The authoress used her control panel to get herself a bowl of popcorn and leaned back, watching the catfight begin in earnest.
"You mean that cheap ocarina that he threw away three dungeons in?" Zelda asked the forest girl, "I'm the one who gave him the lasting item. Plus, I taught him all the songs for it!"
Malon laughed. "And that's all you did, princess, you taught him a song or two. Been there, done that. I taught him one of the most-used songs of all time. I gave him his horse. I taught him to ride."
"Hey! Listen!" Navi shrieked, "he used me for every single battle and let me tell you, there were a lot of them."
"Really?" Ruto said wonderingly, "I witnessed his battle with Morpha, and he wasn't reliant on you."
"No offense, midget ball of light," Midna began. She stopped and pretended to think for a moment. "No, scratch that, lots of offense, but I just can't see Link going for someone with such a size difference."
"Then what are you doing here?" Medli asked, "You're an imp! Oh, and Navi, you just confessed to being nothing more than an object in Link's eyes."
"Who are you calling an imp, bird brains?" Midna shot back. The Rito and Twili started having it out, catfight style, with Midna pummeling every inch of Medli she could reach and the bird-girl smacking the Twilight princess with her harp.
"This is my cursed form," Midna yelled, accentuating each word with another smack, "You want to see my true form?"
"You mean the one where you look like a s***?" Tetra asked.
Nabooru stopped making bets on who would win, the authoress stopped eating her popcorn, Medli and Midna stopped trying to kill each other, everyone stopped what they were doing to gape at Tetra's language.
"What?" she asked when she noticed them all staring, "I'm a pirate, we curse."
Link chose that moment to poke his head in. Well, less chose and more was-dragged-in-by-authoress-pushing-buttons-on-her-control-panel. He took one look at them all, particularly Midna, who'd frozen trying to kill Medli, and said bird-girl, who was taking advantage of the Twili's distraction to whack her a few times upside the head with her harp.
"Heylooklisten!" Navi yelled. Link ran for it. "As I was saying…"
"You're one of the most annoying characters of all time and it's a miracle that Link hasn't gone deaf from spending so much time in your company?" Saria offered.
"Yes, exactly," Navi said, then an instant later, "I mean no!"
"Make up your mind," Ilia complained.
"Didn't you lose your mind, ranch girl?" Nabooru asked the Ordonian.
"Memories, not mind," Ilia corrected, "and I got them back! At least I didn't do atrocious things!"
"You're both so lame," Ruto yawned, "I mean, one of you got shot in the butt with an arrow and lost her mind, the other got sucked into a whirlpool, put under a spell, and stuffed in a suit of armor."
Medli extricated herself from the catfight with Midna, the two having declared a temporary peace. "Didn't you have to be fished out of a giant creature, fish girl?" she asked.
"Back, not butt," Ilia protested, "and I didn't have a choice about being shot!" Everyone ignored her in favor of watching Ruto and Medli.
"Didn't he imprison you in a temple beneath the waves?" Ruto shot back.
"That was to restore power to his sword," the Rito protested, "it wasn't like he was sending me to prison. I even helped him through that dungeon, instead of being carried like a dead weight!"
"I was looking for the engagement stone!" Ruto informed the circle, "Which he accepted, might I remind you."
"No, you may not" Zelda interjected, "you only gave him a stone, big whoop. In addition to the ocarina of time and all the warp songs, I gave him the light arrows, an integral part of defeating Ganondorf."
"I gave him a lot more than just items," Midna put in, "I was there every step of the way with valuable advice, not to mention serving as his mode of transport. Do you know how many times that guy wanted to warp to Castle town?"
"I gave him a mode of transport," Malon piped up, "Epona is integral before the gears clicked up there and you figured out how to warp."
"I made the charm that allowed him to call his horse," Ilia said, determined to have her bit.
"yeah, and he saw you how many times during his quest?" Midna asked. "Let's think, about three."
"And the horse call isn't very useful," Tetra added.
"I helped him through two dungeons," Medli said, "I gave him the item for the first and helped him through my temple. How many of you can say that?"
"I was there for two," Ruto said.
Saria guffawed. "Yeah, you were a weight to carry in one and you were there for about a minute in the other."
"You weren't there for any," Tetra reminded her, "I did help him into Forsaken the first time he went."
Midna laughed. "By launching him into a wall," she choked out, "I'm sure he was SO thankful when his head split open."
"His head did not split open, he's more resilient than that," Tetra shot back
"I taught him the song you need to calm Darunia," piped Saria, "so you could say I helped him into a dungeon."
"From a distance," Navi retorted, "I was there the whole quest and he only used that song maybe twice."
"If you think about it," mused Ilia, "I was the driving force behind his quest."
"Of course you were," Nabooru interjected, "that's why he left you at the end."
"He just needed some time to adjust," Ilia insisted.
Midna snickered again. "Adjust? Please, he ran off to find me."
This comment raised a chorus of "did not" and "not true" and one "MEOW!". The assembled Hyrule girls blinked and looked at the authoress, who was, of course, the one who'd said "meow".
"What?" she asked innocently, "it seemed an appropriate thing to say."
"Listen!" shouted the fairy at the table. Satisfied she had everyone's full attention, she started anew, "I think we ought to take a vote."
"I don't think that's a good idea, ball of light," Tetra put in, "we'd all vote for ourselves."
"I agree with Tetra," Saria added.
Malon pounded the table. "I second the motion."
"Thank you, Malon," Navi said.
"to not have a vote," Malon finished.
Navi scowled and fluttered her wings harder, inhaling like she was about to yell. Saria grabbed the fairy by a wing and shoved her back in her seat, clamping a hand over her mouth.
"Thank you," Ruto sighed.
"has anyone thought to count Epona?" Ilia mused aloud.
"Count her as what?" asked Medli.
"A love interest," Ilia said,as though it was obvious. This proposition was met with gagging around the table, but Ilia continued as if she hadn't heard. "I mean, he spends the most time with her, if you put all his quests together."
Saria released Navi, who immediately flew up and shrieked out "HEY! LISTEN!"
Ilia shut up, and there was a sigh of relief around the table.
Before Navi could get any further, Nabooru cut into the silence. "I promised him 'something great' that I never got to fulfill, therefore he ought to be mine."
"Because of a promise you never fulfilled," Zelda said, "yeah, that's a great reason."
"Says the person who made him risk his life," Midna scoffed.
"You weren't any better," Zelda accused, "you used him to get your Fused Shadows, never telling him what was going on. I at least had the sense to tell him that."
"that doesn't excuse the fact I was there for him, while you hid up in your tower," the twili spat.
"Oh, you were a less annoying version of Navi. Offense meant." Zelda retorted.
"Hey!" Navi protested, "I was not that annoying!"
"Yes you were," chorused the entire table.
"I only saw you a few times, and my only impression was that you were that annoying," Ruto said.
"Same here," piped Saria.
"Malon nicknamed Link because of me, so she doesn't hate me. Right, Malon?" Navi asked desperately.
"Nope, I called him that because you were the thing that stuck out the most. You stuck out most because you were loud and annoying," explained the red-head.
"You realize you just admitted to not noticing Link," Medli observed.
Malon turned red. "and I suppose you did?"
Medli ignored the jibe. "in fact, I bet he could go his entire quest without noticing you," she mused. Malon turned even redder. "Which makes you an optional character, while I am one of the two Sages that are necessary to find and travel with."
"And lock away under the sea," Tetra pointed out. "he did all that to rescue me, by the way."
"Same here," Ilia chipped in. "I'm the original reason that he ever went on that quest."
"Says the person who shows affection by stealing his stuff," Tetra pointed out.
"So says the pirate," said Nabooru.
"Says the thief," Tetra shot back.
"Point noted," grumbled Nabooru. tetra kicked her chair back on two legs and put her hands behind her head. Ruto kicked it under the table and the pirate captain fell flat on the floor.
"Who did that?" she demanded. When no one stepped forward, she grabbed one of Nabooru's scimitars and jumped up on the table. "Who did that?" she repeated, pointing the blade at each person in turn. Nabooru leapt up on the table and drew her other scimitar, locking swords with Tetra. The pair danced around atop the table, nearly taking the others heads off when a swing went wild.
Midna took advantage of the confusion caused by this impromptu swordplay display to kick Medli in the shins.
"Ow!" shrieked the bird-girl, and retaliated with a passion.
Just like that, the room descended into complete and utter chaos. Everyone trading blows and not caring who got caught in the crossfire. the authoress, who was the only one still in her chair and not turning someone else black and blue, watched the scene and ate her popcorn.
"Aren't you going to do something?" Dark Link, who had just sneaked back into the room, asked.
"Nah, they're having too much fun," the authoress said, as Navi went spiraling by, "and aren't you supposed to not be here?"
"Yeah, and I can see why," Dark admitted, quickly making himself scarce again.
Saria leapt up on the table at the same time Tetra landed from jumping over one of Nabooru's swings and Medli was slammed against it. The combined force of the girls was too much for the poor table. With a loud groan and a sharp crack, it broke down the middle, sending Tetra, Nabooru, and Saria into a tangle in the middle and one section falling on top of Medli.
"Obviously, this could have gone better," the authoress muttered to herself. With no better options presenting themselves, she pulled a Navi and yelled, "Hey!"
Everyone froze and stared at her.
"Does anyone have any points to present that don't involve insults or more destruction of my property?" she asked, pinching the bridge of her nose.
All the girls slowly regained their feet and replied in the negative.
"then we will have to vote," the authoress sighed. "We'll go one at a time, whomever garners the most votes gets a story pairing them with Link."
The girls looked at each other, excitement shining in their eyes. then one at a time, they cast their vote.
Ruto swatted the fairy floating next to her before voting, "Ruto."
Everyone glared at Dark and pulled a weapon from somewhere. under the onslaught of pointy things, Dark made himself scarce.
The Gerudo finished the vote with, "Nabooru."
The authoress pinched the bridge of her nose. "Can you not vote for anyone but yourselves?" she asked exasperatedly.
"Yes," was the resounding answer.
"but that means the vote will be forever tied, "Zelda exclaimed.
"I have an idea!" Ilia shouted, surprising everyone.
"Realy?" asked Midna, "you can have ideas?"
Ilia stuck her tongue out at the Twili. "Yes, I can have ideas, though they usually involve horses." she began to fall into a dreamy stupor at the thought of horses, but Saria kicking her in the shins brought her back from la-la land.
"Where was I? Oh yes, I had an idea!"
"We heard this already," muttered Tetra.
Ilia ignored her. "You can write a one-shot for each of us!" she exclaimed.
The authoress looked thoughtful. She glanced over the line, pausing particularly at Saria, Navi, and Ilia.
"I don't know," she began. Suddenly, everyone was pointing a sharp and pointy thing at her.
"How fast I can get them out," the authoress spluttered out quickly.
The girls relaxed and out away their pointy things. "So," Midna asked, rubbing her hands together, "who's first?"
All gazes were directed at the authoress. "um, we'll go alphabetically," she suggested.
A moment of conferrence later, they realized who that would mean.
"Me!" shouted Ilia.
Everyone else, including the authoress grumbled. "All right, everyone out, I need to write," said the authoress.
In two and threes, the girls filed out, a little worse for wear, but nothing that wouldn't come out in a day or two. The authoress sighed, rescued her control panel from where it had come to rest in a corner, and punched a button. Her laptop appeared in front of her and she sighed again before beginning to type.
The one-shots I promised the girls will be coming out. I will not EVER do LinkXDark, so first up will be LinkXIlia. *Grumbles*
I'd like you to vote for which one-shot was your favorite once they're all done, but for now, tell me what you thought of the *looks around for any remaining girls* catfight.